Kneel for an ironic and humorous composition, and ask for two.

A young man will be recruited into the army, and an ophthalmologist in a military hospital will examine his eyesight. The young man will confess that he is nearsighted while receiving the examination. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you're right. < P > It's myopia." The young man was very happy to hear this sentence.

"Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "No ...

I wrote that I can take part in hand-to-hand combat.

Elephant Sandwich

A customs official stopped a passenger and asked him if he had anything to declare.

"No." The passenger replied.

"Are you sure you didn't?"

"of course."

"Then what about this elephant with a piece of bread in its ear behind you?"

"sir, what I put in my sandwich is entirely my own business!" "

gangster 1

A condemned man asked the criminal police, "What time is it? "%Interpol snapped:" I'm dying,

why ask for time! " The prisoner said, "This is the event of my life. It is very important for me to remember this time."

gangster 2

There was a gangster listening to the preacher.

The priest said, "It is better to make one more friend than to offend one less enemy ..."

"I don't have one enemy." The gangster said.

"Great, why don't you have an enemy?" "I killed them all!"

gangster 3

stole his son to attend mass in the church. The priest asked, "What brings you here? You didn't steal the chicken chops this week? " "No, none was stolen."

"Did other chickens steal it?" "No."

"Great, you are one step closer to God."

whispered, "If he asks me if I stole the duck, I will be far away from God."

gangster 4

The policeman asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast. "Yes, I remember,

I like peaches best." The criminal said.

"You know, it's winter, and there are no peaches! "The policeman said.

"Never mind, I can wait."

singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you understand singular and plural?"

nick: "I see."

Teacher: "Tell me, is' pants' singular or plural?"

nick: "it's singular above and plural below."

worried

The wife said to her husband, "Every time you go out, I am very worried." "Honey, don't worry," the husband comforted her. "I'll be back at any time." "That's what I'm worried about." Ku

I hope it's blood

A Scotsman was walking in the street with a bottle of whisky in his back pocket. Unfortunately, he was knocked down by a car. He got up and felt in his pocket. He felt a little damp. "ouch!"

he grunted, "I hope it's blood! ！”

Eggs don't eat

"The lioness gives birth to her cubs, and the cubs have to eat; "Bitch gave birth to a puppy, the puppy to eat;

"...

" That is to say, everything born to a mother has to eat. "

Little Tom thought and thought, always trying to find a guy who was born without eating, but he couldn't figure it out for three days in a row.

on the fourth day, he finally figured it out. That's what he saw with his own eyes. It's a fact. He ran to tell the old teacher, "Teacher, hens lay eggs, but eggs don't eat!" "

Of course

A man keeps a parrot that can only say "of course", so he decides to sell it. "How much is your parrot?" Asked the buyer. "1 yuan." The seller replied. "Why is it so expensive?"

"My parrot is very clever!" "Parrot, are you smart?" Asked the buyer. "Of course."

The buyer bought the parrot. When he found out that this parrot could only say "of course", he replied angrily

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and said angrily, "Only a fool would spend 1 yuan on such a parrot." "Of course!"

the parrot answers.

seeing-eye dog

John was about to cross the road when he saw a blind man who was crossing the road with his seeing-eye dog.

At the green light, the dog didn't take its owner across the road, but peed on its owner's pants.

Unexpectedly, the blind man reached into his pocket and gave the dog a biscuit.

John was surprised and said to the blind man, "If that was my dog, I would definitely kick its ass." The blind man replied very calmly, "Yes, I want to kick it, but I must find its head first!" "

Bad luck

Miss Jenny was on the night shift and saw a man coming towards her with his hands wide open. "Rogue!" Miss Jenny scolded and kicked the man in the stomach. There was a crash and the man shouted, "Oh, my God!"! The third piece of glass still can't be taken home! "

Hit a wall everywhere

A gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him in the trunk, "Do I bother you with a cigarette here?" The lady kindly said to him, "No, you are as good as at home." This gentleman immediately took back

the cigarette case and said with a sigh, "Still can't smoke!"

a new chapter on morality

"Dad, what is morality?"

"what is morality? Wait, how do you explain this? For example, someone left a wallet with 1 pictures of Gehrig in the shop, and I found it. Am I going to take the money alone or share it with the salesman? This is called morality. "

It's hard to get

The defendant promised his defense lawyer, "If you have the ability to make me go to prison for only half a year, then you will get an extra 1, yuan." The defendant finally got his wish.

The lawyer said while collecting money, "This is really a tough job. Originally, the judges wanted to acquit.

"

Get carried away

The father of the triplets called the newspaper office to report the good news. The reporter who answered the phone didn't hear you clearly.

"Would you please repeat that?" He asked. The proud father replied, "Yes, it is, but I don't want it anymore!"!

It's hard to come by

Someone invited a friend to his house for dinner. The friend asked, "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going to

for dinner?"

"of course. I argued with her for this matter all afternoon! "

Waiting for the cat to catch the mouse

Man: "Madam, I accidentally stepped on your cat when I was walking. I'll get you a

, ok? "

Woman: "Then you must hurry, there is a mouse in the kitchen at the moment."

Wait a minute

A man asked God, "Great God, in your eyes, what does a thousand years mean?"

god replied, "it only means one minute."

"Almighty God, what does 1, gold coins mean in your eyes?"

"It just means a penny."

"merciful god, please give me a penny!" "

"ok, poor man, please wait a minute!" "

Hell

After p>Bill Gates died, he came to the gate of heaven.

: Well, you can choose whether to go to heaven or hell. Check it out first, and then

tell me the result.

Bill looked around, and people sang hymns and praised God (maybe

ada) with a serious expression. He went to hell again, only to see the sunny sand beach, beautiful women like clouds, C and Basic everywhere, and people get drunk if they don't get drunk with wine. ．Bill said, Hell, I like it! He went back to St. Peter.

: Look, you are doing well here, but it seems better in hell. Well ...

: No problem, you go ahead.

Bill went back to hell, suffering in the flames of war and oil pan, and was tortured. He really couldn't stand it

.

he shouted: St. Peter-! Why, where are all the beautiful women here? I'm sorry, you said the DEMO version ...

The third possibility

The nurse said to the parturient, "Your husband called and asked if he had a son or a daughter?" "

please ask him, is there a third possibility? ".....

Telephone

In p>1876, Alexander G. Bell obtained a

patent for a device for transmitting sound through wires. Eight years later, a farmer in California, USA, went to the telephone office to try this new thing for the first time.

He first scribbled a few words on the paper, rolled up the paper, pushed it into the phone with a pencil, and then

sat down and waited for an answer. After waiting for a long time without response, the farmer kneaded the paper into a ball and threw it into the handle. After waiting for

half an hour, the phone still didn't work. The farmer was very disappointed and left

swearing. The staff unpacked the damaged phone, and was it caries? That piece of paper reads:

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ordered wrenches from a store.

Telephone

A man called home at work.

it was a strange woman who answered the phone.

the man said, "who are you?" "I am the maid here." The woman replied.

"We didn't invite a maid." "The hostess of this room called me this morning."

"Oh, then I'm her husband. Is she there? " "But ... she's upstairs in the room with a

man I thought was her husband ... doing ... doing something that couples can do." The man was very angry when he heard

. He said to the maid, "Listen, do you want to earn $5,?" "I want you to

take out the gun from my desk and shoot those two adulterers and adulterers!" The maid put the phone down.

the man heard footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

the maid came back and picked up the phone.

"What shall I do with the body?" "Throw them in the swimming pool." "What swimming pool?" "ah? ..... hmm ... is this phone 2621-5656, please?

The computer is broken.

The computer system in the office is broken frequently, so Cathy has accumulated a lot of work.

One day, when she was driving home after working overtime, a policeman stopped her and said she was driving too fast.

"I'm really unlucky this day." Cathy was full of resentment and cried, "The company's computer will be good for a while, bad for a while, good and bad, and bad and good. I have to catch up after work, and now I meet this. " The

policeman ignored her complaint and immediately issued a ticket. It was a long time before he took her driver's license and license

and came back with a wry smile: "Our computer is broken."

TV nerd

Ferguson likes watching TV very much. His classmates look for him in their spare time. Nine times out of ten, they see him sitting in front of the TV, so everyone calls him a "TV nerd".

No, the literature teacher announced in class that day: "I suggest you watch the lunar eclipse tonight." Ferguson immediately asked: "What channel?"

TV fan

Uncle Martin's chattering parrot is ill. Don't eat or drink. I took him to the vet, but after the diagnosis, I said there was nothing wrong with him. The vet asked Uncle Martin if there was any serious accident at home, which made the parrot feel < P > upset. Martin said that the only thing that happened was that the TV set was repaired.

"Bring it back quickly," said the vet.

Sure enough, the parrot's appetite recovered as soon as the TV was brought back.

store rules

manager: remember, the rule in this store is-the customer is always right. Now tell me, what did that gentleman say just now?

Shop assistant: He only said one thing-Manager your is a big idiot.

Fishing

Patrol: Fishing is forbidden here, and it will be fined 2. Fisherman: I'm not fishing, I'm teaching the earthworm to swim

.

patrolman: Really? Let me see.

angler: look.

patrolman: swimming naked will be fined 5 yuan.

Change

The future father-in-law said to Pierre, "I agree to marry my daughter to you, and I will deposit the wedding makeup of 6, marks in the bank for you."

Pierre said sadly, "You'd better give me 6, marks and deposit your daughter in the bank."

Stacking quilts

Instructor: Kameda, why is your quilt always worse than Yamamoto's?

Kameda: Sir, before I joined the army, Yamamoto made tofu, while before I joined the army, I made steamed bread with flower rolls

.

matador

A matador was drinking in the country, and his friends advised him not to drink too much, but in order to show his bravado, he swayed until he couldn't control himself, and then took a shortcut to the arena. There was already a bull lying on the field. The matador

immediately lay down on his horns and fought fiercely with him, and finally the bull fled. Afterwards, the matador said with his friends

: "The matador". ！”

Reading to cure diseases

A: "Where have you been these years?"

b: "medical university."

a: "then your illness must be cured."

Gambling

Four gentlemen got together to gamble. Before gambling, they said to John, "Go and see if there are

policemen outside the door."

John went for ten minutes before he came in panting and said, "There is no policeman outside the door, so

I went to the station to call one!"

object

I came to you to propose to your daughter. Said the young suitor.

have you talked to my wife? Asked the father.

yes, but I prefer to marry your daughter.

reinvent the wheel

A swimmer swam across the English Channel and when he landed, many cheering people surrounded him

. A Jew came up and asked inexplicably, "Don't you know there are ships sailing here?"

The more the better

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A speeding car was stopped by a police patrol car, and the police said to the driver while taking notes;

"You will get a speeding ticket, because your speed just exceeded 6 miles." The engineer

immediately said,

"Sir, would you please write down one hundred miles? You know, I'm about to sell this car

! "

Many years later

She (tenderly): "Honey, when did you first discover that you were in love with me?"

He (angrily): "When people say you are stupid and ugly and I start to go crazy!" "

Malicious slander

A plump woman came to court and asked the judge sadly:

"If a person goes around saying that I am a hippo, can I sue him for malicious slander?"

The judge said, "Of course. When did he take you as a hippo?"

"He has often said this to everyone since three years ago."

"what? Since three years ago? Then why do you think of suing now? "

"I didn't know what a hippo looks like until I went to the newly-built wildlife park yesterday."

crocodile's big mouth

The keeper of the zoo stood in front of the crocodile with its big mouth open, and kept looking into his mouth

.

Passers-by tourists ask, "What happened to the crocodile?" The administrator said, "I don't know yet. The doctor noticed his mouth

.