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1, a high school math teacher, Ju Niu B, brought a deck of cards into the classroom for the first time in class and sent one to everyone, asking them to remember their cards. Since then, he has been shuffling cards on the podium with this deck in class every day. From time to time, I lightly throw two cards and say, "Square 4, club J, come up and do the problem ..."

2. On the way to learn the scriptures, Tang Yan said, Wukong, let me give you a question to test you. There are four of us. If one of us dies, how many people are left? Wukong replied: zero. Tang Priest was furious: 4- 1 = 0? You tell the teacher how you calculated it! When Wukong heard that the Tang Priest was killed by a stick, he looked at Pig and Friar Sand and said, Who is there now?

3. Go to buy watermelons with your daughter-in-law. Selling watermelons is not cheap. Me: It's the same watermelon. Why do you sell one and a half when everyone else sells one? He: He is also a daughter-in-law. How come everyone's 100 Jin is yours 150? Me: Let me calm down for a while. ...

The secret question of her space visit is "What's my male god's name?" I typed the names of male stars and the most handsome boys in school that she often mentioned, and they all showed mistakes. My heart was suddenly blessed, my hands trembled, I entered my name and pressed enter ... Sure enough, it wasn't. ...

In summer, my dog got skin disease, and my wife washed it with Fuyanjie, and the effect was very good. One day, my wife went to buy Fuyanjie for the dog. The clerk came and said it would be faster to use some topical ointment after washing. My wife thought about it and said seriously, you can't lick it with ointment! The clerk's eyes were about to drop, and the wife realized that she had been misunderstood and explained, I mean, my dog can lick! ! Honey, did you really explain it clearly?

I dropped two coins on the bus just now. I'm going to pick them up. My uncle sitting next to me picked them up. I thought he would give them back to me, but I didn't expect him to put them directly in my pocket! I think my uncle may not have the money to take the bus, so forget it ... When the conductor came over, I took out two coins and gave them to the conductor. My uncle took out four coins from his pocket and said, "I'll pay the girl's fare together. "Uncle, what do you want? ...

7. Q: Why do you buy inflatable dolls depending on the date of production? A: Is it appropriate for you not to look at the horoscope when looking for a girlfriend?

8. There is a couple. The husband woke up first in the morning and said to his wife, "If I don't leave, it will be too late. By the way, this is your 800 yuan. " The wife accepted it without hesitation. At this time, they seem to understand something. ...

9. Wife: Do you know why the man below is called penis? Husband: I don't know! Wife: As a man, you don't even know this! Husband: Do you know why? Wife: Because a man has three eggs, and then he hatched one! Husband: ...

10, a gentleman caught a cold and went to the hospital for intravenous drip. The nurse quickly inserted the needle into the gentleman's body and hung salt water. 1 Many hours passed, and the water in the salt bottle was finished. When the nurse came, she immediately changed another bottle. The gentleman was puzzled and asked the nurse, "Miss, isn't there only one bottle on the prescription list?" The nurse pointed to the empty bottle cap behind the salt water and said, Sir, you are so lucky. This bottle won the lottery-another bottle ~!

1 1. An old man has never used an ATM before. When he used the ATM for the first time, a voice prompt came from the ATM: "Please enter the password!" " The old man looked around and didn't see anyone, so he bent down, folded his hands and whispered to the ATM, "Six zeros!" "

12, a young woman coaxed her child to sleep with your grandfather at night, but the child refused to leave. The young woman said, I can go without you.

Grandpa said in a positive tone: educate children to be honest. You can't fool children and old people at the same time.

13. The landlord is looking at the house with the new tenant.

Tenant: "It seems that this house often leaks water."

Landlord: "No, no, it only leaks when it rains."

George is drinking beer alone in the bar. He suddenly felt that he was going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer after he left, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup." When he came back, he found another sentence on the test paper: "I threw up, too."

15. Nowadays, touch screens are very popular in mobile phones and computers. A friend expressed special emotion: "With the rapid development of science and technology, it is hard to say which day TV will touch the screen." Another friend said, "You are so stupid! If you have a remote control, do you have to go over and poke it with your finger? "

16, a young girl married an old rich man. At the wedding, someone pointed to the back of the bride and said, "It's really wronged the girl. Look at that old groom, he is almost catching up with her grandfather. "

The old rich man retorted, "I am more wronged than her." Her grandfather is only two years older than me, but I still have to call him grandpa! " "

17, Grandpa posted a photo of a naked woman on the Internet. Hullova's seven brothers left messages and comments. Dawa: Great! Erwa: The lights are out! Sanwa: Thanks for your hard work! Shiva: It will be very hot! Wuwa: It's wet! Liuwa: Shit, it's a shame to hide! Qiwa: Good picture, good picture, accept it decisively!

18, a man and his wife often cheat, but if they don't see it, their colleagues will send a pair of couplets. Part I: As long as life goes by, Part II: Even if the head is a little green, Part II: Ninja Turtles.

19, once I suddenly remembered to go swimming, I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket because there were no other colors, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a wisp of red came out from my lower body and rippled in the water ... An uncle swam past me, looked at the red "blood" under me and looked at my bare upper body. For an instant, his expression was very contradictory …

20. Drive while eating! The foot of my bed is so bright that I want to drink noodle soup. People are thinner than yellow flowers, and they still remember pot-wrapped meat. Xiao He just showed his sharp corners when he saw the braised pork ribs with beans. Frosty night, pine nuts and corn. The spring breeze in Jiang Nanan is green. When will the bright moon bake cold noodles? When you ask about the date of return, stew the stupid chicken with hazelnuts. I advised god to cheer up, pancake fruit with chicken fillet. We hope to fly in heaven, and two birds will be one and sit on the street for a barbecue!

2 1, a whoring met Shi. Stone said: it is predestined friends to meet thousands of miles away, and 200 yuan is not expensive! A: Qianshan always loves thousands of waters. How about fifty dollars? Shi said: If you want to pass Yumen Pass, the minimum is 130! There are many fish in the sea. Can we do it for eighty dollars? A added: The world has its own true feelings. Today I only brought 90 yuan! Shi roared: I bet my youth on tomorrow that one hundred less is a traitor!

22. I came back drunk in the middle of the night, and when my wife fell asleep, I kicked her under the bed with all my strength. Then he swore angrily, "Fuck you! Laozi is a man with a wife and children! " Then fall back and continue to pretend to sleep. The next morning, the wife endured the pain, not only didn't blame her for getting drunk last night, but also brought steaming milk, half of which was moved tears. PS: Who came up with such a damaging trick?

23. My wife went shopping and saw a lovely child. Then I looked at my husband and sighed. Say to your husband: If you have a child who looks like you in the future, it's over! The husband paused and glared at his wife: "If you don't look like me, you are finished!"! ! ! "

24. At 1 1 in the evening, I started chatting with qq, a girl I secretly loved, and told stories about my childhood. When I became more and more speculative, I made a handsome confession at 12. Success. Chatting until two o'clock ... at four o'clock, I was still too excited to sleep. Cell phone rings. "I'm sorry, I am his brother. After chatting all night, I found that you are a good person. " ……

25. One day, I quarreled with the idiot in front. He called me a mad dog and I suddenly had an idea. I patted the table and said who was the mad dog cursing? This idiot is also striking the table. Let's have a mad dog scold you! Mad dog, mad dog is ... scolding ... you. ...

26. One day, a young man went to a small restaurant for dinner and saw a beautiful girl sitting there, which made him very excited. The young man summoned up his courage and went up to the girl and said, "Hello, what's your name?" The girl said without looking up, "Beef noodles, hurry up!"

27. I was forced to go on a blind date. Another person is a stumbling block to learning English. As soon as he arrived, he said that he was CET-8, Japanese-1 and German-2. Ask me what level? I told him QQ30, yellow diamond 7, red diamond 4, colored diamond 4 and green diamond 3. Blind date is also a pleasure in life. ...

28. I have the phone number of the goddess, and I can know whether she wakes up every day. Call her, no one answered, but she hasn't woken up yet; Call her and hang up. Just wake up and don't envy me too much. ...

29. I work in a bank, but I was cried by my colleague at work today.

It happened that a customer withdrew money, and I choked and said, "What business?"

The customer replied, "Take 50,000." I am still very angry, and my tears can't stop flowing.

The customer quickly said, "no, no, I don't want it." This money is saved! " "

When I first used QQ, I didn't quite understand it. In a chat, a netizen asked me: How to upgrade QQ software? I don't know how to pretend to understand. A: Please uninstall this old one first, and then I'll tell you how to do it! So, half a minute later, the netizen's head turned gray. Since then, this person has disappeared. ...

3 1, once, because I had something to contact a classmate, but his number was not stored in my mobile phone, I sent a short message to another classmate who knew him very well: "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. Five minutes later, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the message and wrote, "Yes". In desperation, I can only send a short message to this big brother again, "So, please tell me?" I waited another five minutes and received a reply. I can't wait to open it again, and the other two words are impressively written: "Good."

32. Friends are short, which runs in the family, and neither father nor grandfather is tall.

His father encouraged him in junior high school and said, Son, let's talk about a person before others grow up.

I met a friend later this morning.

So the teacher asked you what the reason was this time? Traffic jam again? This guy shook his head and said no.

It was foggy when I went out in the morning. I didn't find it when I passed the school. I passed by. ...

34. Go to your girlfriend's house for dinner. Show everyone a magic trick at the dinner table. Shouting: "It's time to witness the miracle!" "

My father-in-law's chair fell down and the whole family came to kill people. Old man, let me explain. I really didn't make a chair. ...

35. Kong Ming: Master, I think you should pay close attention to Xiao Qiao. Liu Bei: To win the world, why should we attach importance to a woman? Kong Ming: Because as far as I know, among the people you care about, Cao Cao, Sun Quan, Zhou Yu and others also care about her.

36. Change my girlfriend's phone number to mine while my classmate is taking a shower. Send him a text message in bed at night "Husband, I'm pregnant". I saw that buddy suddenly rolled over and got out of bed. Badabada smoked a box of cigarettes and asked the dormitory people to borrow money …

37. My son came home trembling: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today". Dad is very angry: "Don't call me dad if you don't pass the exam next time!" " "The next day, my son came back:" Sorry, brother! " "

38. When I was in the third year of high school, I went downstairs one day after studying by myself, thinking that the person walking in front of me was a roommate. I sneaked up to him and kicked his ass, yelling: You actually came to study for yourself? ! The man rubbed his ass, looked back at me piteously, and said with a trembling voice, hmm. After staring at each other for a few seconds, I hesitated how to apologize. The man replied, big brother, I'm a freshman, and I won't dare to do it again …

39. My girlfriend said that I agreed without much pursuit. She can't take it. Let me break up and I'll chase after you. I agreed. Then, it's gone. Deceiving each other is not fun.

40. Go shopping in the school supermarket today. Don't you have to brush the bar code when you check out ~ There will be a beep ~ I can't brush any marinated eggs I bought … I didn't know what I was thinking at that time … so a long sentence came up: "beep! ~ ~ ~ "Full-court petrochemical ~ ~ ~

4 1. Just now, I heard two pupils yelling at each other in the street. One said, there is a hole in your head. There is water in the hole. There are fish in the water. Zombies eat fish. Zombies will eat your brain when they grow up ... Sao nian, that's enough ...

42, a Sichuanese fell into the water, ups and downs, crying for help, is at stake. Some people can't take off their clothes and try to dive for help. The other man grabbed him and said calmly, "No need, watch me!" " "

The man turned to the drowning man and shouted, "One of three is missing! Three are short of one! "

At this time, a miracle was born. The Sichuanese in the water were shocked, and then they struggled to climb to the shore for a while. They should say, "coming! Coming! "

43. Bao Zheng was very naughty when he was a child. He always likes to take off the crescent moon on his forehead to play. An old man with a long beard passed by and happened to see him playing with something in his hand. The old man approached Bao Zheng and said earnestly, If you are well, it will be heaven.

44. The true and false Wukong hit Tathagata once, and Tathagata sink a track: "How do you prove that you are the true Wukong?" I saw one of the monkeys shrink to the size of the index finger, jump into the Tathagata's palm and shit in the Tathagata's palm. Tathagata was not angry, but his face lit up and he murmured, "It's still the original formula, and it's still familiar." .....

45. Do you remember the story that the Monkey King in The Journey to the West went to ask Princess Iron Fan to borrow a banana fan? The Monkey King got into the iron fan princess's belly. Wukong said, "Sister-in-law, I am already in your heart." Princess Iron Fan: "Come out! Uncle, I can't stand it! " Wukong: "Sister-in-law, I'm coming out soon. Open your mouth quickly. " Princess Iron Fan: "Ah!" Hearing this, Niu Wangmo left a letter of divorce outside the door. . Away from home. . .

46. Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a man. One day, he died suddenly and had no choice but to die.

47. The school suddenly fell in love. The dean called us to the auditorium and told us the reason for the governance: "A few days ago, I caught a couple in the garden while patrolling at night. Do you know what you are doing? " Some students below said they were flirting, while others said they were kissing. The dean said, "No, I'll tell you! In the middle of the night, your senior is holding two apples, a pair of red candles and a stick of incense to worship heaven and earth in a small pavilion! Scared me to death! "

48. Son: "Dad, there is a poor old uncle outside. He has been screaming outside, so dad, can you give me two dollars? " I wanted to give it to him. Dad: "Good boy, you will pity the old man when you are young." Commendable. This is two dollars. Dad: "Oh, by the way, what's the name of that old uncle?" "Son:" Ice cream ice cream, every 2 yuan! "Come on!"

49. I went to a remote town on business a few days ago. Due to frequent use of mobile phones, I quickly notified the arrears with 10086. There happened to be a vendor selling mobile phone recharge cards by the roadside. In case of salvation, I quickly bought a recharge card from 50 yuan, which is the kind of card that can get the password by scraping off the coating. When I saw it, I was dumbfounded. I saw it said: thank you for your patronage! Damn, I bought a prepaid card, not a scratch card! Damn it! Pit dad! ! !

I remember living on the fourth floor when I was in college. Someone spilled dirty water upstairs ... Theo! I got a computer desk, and I wanted to go up and settle accounts with him. Just walked to the door, my brother had a brainwave and hit a bucket full of water. Fall down the wall and hear the screams below. 1 people from the second floor and the third floor of the building all came up ... then, I organized them to fight the guy on the fifth floor together. .

5 1, there are too many homework, so you can play cards with your homework. "A Chinese test paper!" "Don't!" "I want it! Four English papers burst! " "I can't afford it. Keep walking." "Three historical papers and a political paper. ""or not. " ..... "A pair of math papers, declaration ..."

52. My friend has a password in his qq space. The question is: Who are you? This idiot didn't tell me the answer, so I had to ask him, so I tried again and again. His name, his dog's name and our classmate's name were all tried, but they were all wrong, so I had no choice but to send him a message: OK, I beg you! The goods replied contemptuously: My eyes.

Last night, I finally couldn't help yelling at my wife, "Did I marry you to let you bully me like this? Didn't you do this before you got married? Where is your conscience? " The wife said coldly, "You ate." ~

54. Passing a lawn, I saw such a slogan: Today you step on my head, and next year I will grow on your grave. . .

55. I invited a friend to dinner today. He may have eaten too much. I couldn't help burping three times in a row on the bus: "Eh. Um ... uh. " A child next door sat on his mother's lap. He said, "Qu", and the whole car was laughing crazy ... I was injured in the corner alone. ...

56. Just shopping, a counter MM kept smiling at me, which made me unnatural! I got up the courage to ask her, "What are you laughing at?" MM said, "A thief just took out your mobile phone, looked at it, shook his head and put it back!" " "

Some time ago, I learned to play mahjong and soon became addicted. As a result, my wife found out, and she resolutely opposed it. I verbally promised her not to play, but I played in secret. Yesterday, I played mahjong with Sister Wang, and my wife came to inspect the post halfway. I lied that I was sleeping, but my wife didn't believe me. I am anxious to say that I don't believe you. Ask sister Wang, she was by my side, and then she was gone. . . .

58. Two little boys stood at the door of the household registration room and looked curiously at a couple who had just registered for marriage. A little boy said, "shall we scare them?" The other said, "Good!" Run in at once and shout to the groom, "Hey, Dad!" " "

59. When relatives from their hometown come to Beijing to eat in high-end restaurants, there will be an extra service charge of 15%. The waiter's service attitude was very good, and he brought fruit tremella soup and souvenirs. Relatives happily asked the waiter, "What else do you send?" The waiter said with a big smile, "We'll see you out later."

Walking in the underground passage near the railway station, I found someone writing a big mobile phone number on the wall, which read "Looking for homosexuals in this city". There is a line of vague small print below, "Fuck you, who knows if you are a man or a woman" ...

6 1, I just went to college, and it's my turn to introduce myself on stage. I'm super nervous and tongue-tied. The monitor comforted the audience and said, just say something. Then I gritted my teeth and wanted to say, "I'm sorry, classmates." I'm shy. I really can't say it when I first met you. " As a result, when I got to the last sentence, I stammered: I really can't shoot the first time I met you.

62. My colleague is glad to have your son. When his son just learned to speak, he would say to his son every day, "Call Dad." The son also said, "Call Dad." Over time, my son formed this habit. When he saw him, he said, "Call Dad." He couldn't help it and began to correct it. Now he says to his son every day, "Dad."

63. A patient who just woke up after amputation asked: What's wrong with me? Doctor: You had an accident. Patient: I'm in the hospital? The doctor replied: to be precise, most of you are in the hospital.

64. The bachelor pony picked up a handkerchief embroidered with A Xiang and telephone number. Pony dialed the telephone excitedly: hello! Excuse me, is Miss A Xiang there? For a long time, there came a voice: grandma, your phone!

Passenger: Your drivers drive at an amazing speed, but they seldom have accidents. What is the reason? The driver said, sir, the driver with poor skills has long died in a car accident.

66.nurse: no! Just now, that patient took the medicine we gave her and fainted as soon as she got out of the clinic! Doctor: Come on, turn her body over and make it look like she just walked in the door!

One year, during the drought, a man went to a living fairy to ask for rain. The living fairy lit a candle and handed him a sealed note.

He said, "You can't open it before it rains, otherwise it won't work." As soon as the man got home, it rained heavily. He opened the sealed note, which read: "It rained today." The man exclaimed, "Ah! Living immortal, true immortal! "

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Carefully organized in person, not enough questions, satisfied with the adoption ~