Kneel down and beg! Do you have any funny jokes, funny jokes with sharp twists, funny jokes, riddles and text messages? Thank you! !

Liar

A rural girl stood on an overpass and counted the floors of a tall building. A liar came over and said, "Say, how many floors did you count?

"The fine is five yuan per floor." The girl said, "It's fifteen floors." After paying the money, a bystander said, "Why are you so stupid?" What a fool! I deceived him. I counted eighteen levels!"

Zi Lu asked: If one angle of any quadrilateral is known to be thirty degrees, what are the degrees of each of the remaining triangles?

Confucius said: I am dying!

New understanding of health

The so-called health is just the slowest state of death.

You will be clean next time

Passenger: "Comrade conductor, why are the chairs in the carriage so dirty?"

Conductor: "This is the first train. Once the passengers on this train are cleared, they will be clean on the next train."

Talking in sleep

The chatty wife said: "You were talking in sleep again last night."

The docile husband replied: "Yes, otherwise I would not have spoken. opportunity."

Apology

"Sir, a big rooster in my house ruined the flowers in your garden. I'm really sorry."

"Ma'am, you don't need to apologize. My dog ??has already eaten your big cock."

"That's great. When I was driving, I just ran over your dog to death." ."

It only leaked when it rained

The landlord accompanied the new tenant to look at the house.

Tenant: "It seems that this house leaks often."

Landlord: "No, no, it only leaks when it rains."

Trick

The eldest brother has a very heavy automatic rifle at home. Whenever his sister-in-law loses her temper, the eldest brother always goes to the side to clean the rifle without saying a word.

The sister-in-law turned pale with fear, and the civil war was over before it even started.

I couldn't help but ask my eldest brother: "My sister-in-law is afraid that you will kill her?"

The eldest brother said proudly: "No, she is afraid that I will commit suicide."

Recommendation

A patient visits a doctor for the first time.

"Have you consulted anyone about your condition before coming here?" the doctor asked.

“I only asked the owner of the pharmacy on the corner,” the patient replied.

The doctor hates people who are not doctors often giving medical advice, and he does not hide this.

"What bad idea did that fool give you?"

"He asked me to come to you."

The Age of Fossils

A tour guide led the tour When the delegation visited the museum, he said: "The fossils in this glass box are already two million and nine years old."

One person asked with appreciation: "How can you tell so accurately? How old is it? "

"It's very simple," the tour guide replied. "When I first came here, it was 20,000 years old."

Fake Ticket

A: I bought a fake movie ticket. This kind of person is so wicked!

B: Where are the tickets?

A: I sold it to someone else again.

Double exchange

Section chief: Have you sent both letters on the table?

Worker: They have been sent, but I put the stamp on them Wrong. Domestic ones pay 15 yuan, while foreign ones pay 2 yuan.

Section Chief: You were so careless. Did you repost it later?

Worker: Since the stamp couldn’t be removed, I exchanged the letterheads inside.

Shrew Tiger

A: Last night I went to a restaurant with my friends, and a thief came into my house.

B: What did you steal?

A: My wife thought I came home drunk at night, so she beat him up indiscriminately. The thief shouted for help, luckily

The police came to his rescue.

Simple and grand

Wife: How do we celebrate our wedding anniversary?

Husband: How about a minute of silence?

No Died by the enemy

A: Is your talking parrot still alive?

B: Oh, forget it, I didn’t expect that she died after I had it for a week.

A: Did he die of illness?

B: No, she competed with my wife in talking, and she died of exhaustion.

Interesting Quotes

1. My aunt gave me a mini walkie-talkie as a birthday gift. She said if I behaved, she would give me another one next year.

2. The bank said it is open day and night? But how can I spend so much time with it! ?

3. Really bored. I drove to a large parking lot in the city center, sat in the car, and counted how many people came over to ask me if I wanted to leave.

4. There is a sign at the gas station that says: "Employees Wanted", and another sign below says: "Please help yourself." I just

hired myself and became my own boss. Fill up the gas and I pay myself. Finally, resign and leave.

5. Why doesn’t the fattest guy in the world become a hockey goalie?

6. You tell a joke in the forest, no one hears it, no one laughs. Is that still a joke?

Because I can wait to go home

On the third day after my son started attending day care, I asked him: "Do you like going to day care now?"

"I like it." "Why?" "Because there I can wait for you to take me home."

It will be too late until I am rehabilitated

Fox Seeing the rabbit running away, he asked why. The rabbit said: "God has given an order to kill all the rams

." "You are not a ram, why are you nervous?" "If you make a mistake, you will be righted later

It’s too late.”

What is the greatest happiness for a person?

It is vindication after being wronged for a long time. A rightist has always been looking forward to being rehabilitated. Twenty years later, this day finally came. When the old man heard the party branch secretary announcing the decision to rehabilitate him, he was so excited that he suffered a stroke and died on the spot.

This is truly the happiest and most perfect death for human beings: he died at the moment when his twenty-year wish finally came true, without the slightest taste of the disappointment and bitterness that often comes after a wish comes true.

Alcoholic

In order to illustrate the disadvantages of drinking, a doctor put two small worms in a bottle filled with wine and a bottle filled with

water. inside. The little bug in the wine died quickly, but the one in the water was still struggling.

The doctor said to the people around him: "You see, this is the harm of drinking." At this time, an alcoholic in the crowd shouted: "That's right. , there will be no such bugs in the stomachs of people who drink wine!"

One year there was a parrot speaking competition, and the parrot that won the first place was named Coco. He walked out of the cage,

looked around, and shouted: "Why are there so many parrots here?"

It's better to be careful

Little Mosquito begged his mother to allow him to go to the theater to watch a play. After begging for a long time, his mother finally agreed. "

Okay, you can go," she warned, "but you have to be careful when people applaud."

The two gentlemen went hunting together. While walking, one of them suddenly raised his gun and fired, and a wild duck fell to the ground! Another person said: "Good marksmanship! But your shot was completely unnecessary.

If you fall from such a high place, you will fall to your death!

”

02. Modern Jokes B (29)

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"I have money and you don't, so you should respect me."

"You have the money, why should I respect you?"

"I will give you a quarter of my money, can you respect me?"

"You only gave me a quarter, why should I respect you?"

"What if I gave you a half?"

"If that's the case, my money is as much as yours, so why should I respect you?"

"I will give you all my money, can you respect me?"

"What are you talking about! I had money at that time and you had no money, how could I respect you!"

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The secretary asked the boss: "Do you want me to write it down word for word?" The boss replied gruffly: "I just said it, didn't you understand? Now sit down and write it down word for word."

Write it down without missing a beat!”

An hour later, the letter was typed and the content is as follows:

“Manager Wang:

Damn it, why is this guy’s handwriting so ugly! I don’t know how to ask the secretary to type!

The parts you want to buy are from Shengsheng Automobile Factory.

How much? Oh! Two thousand yuan? Okay, according to the accounting department of our company, it is calculated as 2,000 yuan. Humph! This is a punishment for his sloppy handwriting. I hope I can receive your order soon.

Okay, you can get started. You are really not an ordinary person. My legs are numb from sitting there!"

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The son was carrying a big bag and said to his father: "I can't stand this family anymore. I want to leave. I want to live a life of excitement and fun every day, and have a beautiful sister every day. Dad, you can't stop me in any way. Me." When my father heard this, he said hurriedly: "Who will stop you? I will prepare my luggage and go with you right away."

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A lifeguard protested to tourists: I have been paying attention to you for three days, Mr. Wang, you

cannot urinate in the swimming pool.

Mr. Wang: Everyone urinates in the swimming pool.

Lifeguard: Yes! Sir, but only you are standing on the diving board...

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Three surgeons are bragging about their medical skills...

Doctor A said: "I once helped a man join his arm, and now he has become a baseball The best pitcher on the team. "

Doctor B said: "That's nothing. I helped a man join his leg, and now he

is a world long-distance runner."

Doctor C said: "All this is nothing. I helped a fool to smile.

Now he is the chief executive of a certain country.

”

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Taiwanese people came to heaven with Japanese and Americans.

In order to test their loyalty to the country, God

They were asked to find their leader among the three masked men:

As soon as the Japanese saw the mustache under the mask, they happily shouted "Long Live the Emperor".

When the mask was taken off, it turned out to be Hitler, and the Japanese were sentenced to ten days in hell;

The Americans saw the fat man wearing the mask and said he must be Colin Suddenly,

It turned out to be Yeltsin, so the Americans were punished like the Japanese;

Finally it was the turn of the Taiwanese, and I saw that the Taiwanese were full of confidence Say "You don't have to turn around."

God asked him in surprise why, and the Taiwanese proudly said:

"The one who talks nonsense must be our president!!"

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A drunkard came home, climbed into bed and woke up his wife and said: Dear, our house is haunted!

His wife sat up and said: What did you say?

The drunk man said: I went to the toilet when I came back, and as soon as I opened the door, the light came on.

His wife said: Really?

He nodded vigorously. Said: It's absolutely true!

His wife thought for a while and said: Do you still feel the wind blowing out?

He quickly said: That's right! How do you know? ?

His wife then slapped him hard and said:

Damn it! This is the third time you have peed in the refrigerator when you were drunk!

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In order to increase his prestige, the president of a certain country decided to issue a stamp with his face printed on it. After more than a month of issuance, The President decided to go to the post office to check the sales situation...

The President: "How is the sales situation?"

Employee: "Not bad... It's just that some people often complain that it's not firmly attached..."

The President: "How could that happen?"

After finishing speaking, the President picked up a stamp and spit on the back. I took a sip of water and stuck it on a piece of paper...

The President: "Don't you see it's very firmly attached?!"

Employee: "But...everyone...everyone...spit on the front..."

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Xiao Ming has been chasing Xiao Hua for several years and proposed to her dozens of times.

Xiao Hua finally agreed to him, but with a condition: a shoe box under the bed.

Unable to open it to see, Xiao Ming had to agree to her request. Five years passed quickly,

Xiao Ming stuck to his promise and never opened it to see the shoe box

One day Xiao Hua didn't At home, Xiao Ming couldn't help but open the box and found three eggs,

and 1,200 yuan inside. Xiao Ming didn't understand why there were eggs and money, so he pretended to be mysterious?

When Xiaohua came back, Xiaoming admitted to her that she had peeked at the shoe box.

Xiaohua said: Since you have already seen the shoe box, I will confess to you. I said it,

Every time I had an affair, I put an egg in it

Xiao Ming wanted to have only two affairs in five years of marriage, forget it, it’s up to you: Then why put the money? What about inside?

Xiaohua: Whenever I collect a dozen eggs, I will exchange them for money

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Marriage is---- ------------------ Mistake

Having a child is a ---------------- mistake

Divorce is----------enlightenment

Marrying after divorce is----------obsession

Being unmarried and being hated by women is a waste

Marrying and having a boyfriend is a beauty

Marrying, having children and having a girlfriend And divorce is------abominable

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Zhang San, Li, Si, Wang and Wu went to the shoe store to buy shoes together

Three pairs*** for three hundred yuan

The boss felt that three pairs at a time was enough Ask Huo Ji to refund fifty yuan to the three of them

On the way, Huo Ji felt that the fifty yuan was not easy to divide between the three of them, so he took out twenty yuan

Each person returned ten yuan

So for three people, a pair of leather shoes is 90 yuan

90 * 20 yuan for 3 groups*** 290 yuan

There are still ten yuan to go there Went

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A woman in her 20s is like a football, with 20 people chasing her.

A woman in her 30s is like a basketball, chased by 10 people.

A woman in her 40s is like a table tennis ball. Two people are playing back and forth.

A woman in her 50s is like golf, the farther she can hit, the better.

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