More safety knowledge jokes! !

1. Examiner: What academic qualifications?

Candidate: Didn’t graduate from elementary school.

Examiner: Have you ever had a fight?

Candidate: It’s a common occurrence.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: Not bad, I can kick over the vendor's tricycle with one kick.

Examiner: Do you dare to take other people’s things?

Examiner: This is my strength, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Do you dare to beat me, old man?

Examiner: Xiaocai, my father asked me to beat him.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question? What should I do if something goes wrong?

Examiner : Let’s just say I’m a temporary worker.

Examiner: I’m going to work tonight.

2. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding.

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

Che The Master snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?"

Everyone on the bus burst into laughter!

The bus driver stopped and leaned on the steering wheel laughing!

Two things:

The bus was overcrowded and there was one The woman stood in the doorway.

A GG squeezed in from behind the car and wanted to get out of the car. He said to the woman: "Make way and get out of the car."

The woman did not move.

GG stepped on her when he squeezed past.

The woman turned out to be very powerful. She kept scolding: "You're crazy! You're crazy!" She was so loud that the whole car was watching.

GG remained silent. When he got off the car, he couldn't bear it any longer. He turned around and said to the woman: "Repeater, you!"

There were some funny children behind, who kept talking. Act out the scene just now,

A said: "You are crazy, you!..." B said: "You are a repeater, you..."

Everyone in the car Laughing loudly~!

Later, a little girl also wanted to get off the car, squeezed over and said timidly: "I~I~I want to go on, I am not crazy~!"

The whole car burst into laughter again~!

The woman did not speak, but a word floated from the side: "Are you out of battery?"

The whole car burst into laughter. I can’t stop laughing~!

3. The Master said: Use bricks to shout when fighting, it will not cause chaos! Shine your head! You will never die again!

Buddha said: Nonsense! I am the Buddha who is compassionate !It’s too much! One? Brick is almost dead!!!

4. On Monday, I got on the bus and took nothing with me except the 1 yuan for the bus. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt calm all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "Isn't it a shame for a grown-up to go out without taking a single thing with him? --?"

On Tuesday, I had a bad wallet Wallet with 1 cent in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. --?"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet. , containing 100 counterfeit bills. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to hide large denominations in private, please go to the relevant departments and hand them in. --?"

On Thursday, I got an envelope with a stack of expired Straits Talent News. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and looked at it. The newspaper had been replaced by the latest Straits Talent News. I took a note with me: "This is the era of consultation. Only by updating information in a timely manner can we seize opportunities and win success." !--?”

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the phone was still there, and there was an additional note: “Please don’t make this joke and affect the normal work of our company.

--?"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in my trousers: "I hate you guys who rob the most. , no technical content at all! Confiscated crime tools!--?"

On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people to squeeze in. While waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket , I found an extra 20 yuan, and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for us to be exposed to wind and sun all day long in our industry. I would like to pay you 20 yuan. You can take a taxi wherever you want to go. Please don't Are you going to punish us again?"

6. There were too many people on the bus one day. It was very hot and stuffy. I don’t know who farted. This made the environment worse. My friend really suffered. No, I don’t know who it is, so I can’t help it. Just then, the conductor was asking: “Who didn’t buy a ticket?” My friend suddenly had an idea and said loudly: “The one who farted didn’t buy a ticket!” Suddenly, a very fat woman, Holding the ticket high in his hand, he said loudly: "I have already bought the ticket!"

7. A sculpture was completed in a new university building: a girl holds a book in her left hand and a book in her right hand. The dove that symbolizes peace. The school publicly solicited names from students. As a result, many people’s slogans coincided with each other - studying is useless!

8. The situation of bicycles being lost in the school is particularly serious, and new cars are It disappears in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with good luck, the lost bicycle will appear again every few days. One day, Xiao Jing, a classmate in the same dormitory, bought a new transmission bicycle. New style lock! "The next day, Xiaojing came back from her evening self-study with a depressed look. She also held a piece of paper in her hand, which said: Don't think there are no experts here. I borrowed the car. I'll give it back to you in a few days!

A few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiaojing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again, so she bought ten large ones. He locked the car tightly and posted a note to the thief: See how you can "borrow" it! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, she found that there were five more locks on the car. There is also a note: Let's see how you ride!

9. There were three tadpoles. They went to a restaurant to eat... After waiting for a while, the first dish was served... fried frogs. .

The three tadpoles sang in unison: I don’t want to, I don’t want to? I don’t want to grow up...

10. One day, Cao Cao captured Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. . Cao Cao said to the three of them, each of you go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought out an apple. Cao Cao said that if they could put the fruit they brought into their butts, he would let it go. They, Zhang Fei, tried for a while, failed, and were killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes. Cao Cao also said the same thing to him, and Guan Yu started to stuff them... When there were three grapes, Guan Yu suddenly burst out laughing. As a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed again. After going down to the underworld, the King of Hell asked Guan Yu: "You are so stupid, why are you laughing? If you don't laugh, you won't die." Guan Yu sighed. He said, "I don't want to either! I'm so jealous of beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu walking out with a durian in his arms..."

12. Yesterday, I went to eat KFC and ranked second in the queue. There seemed to be a couple behind me. They ordered a lot of food and then sat next to me. After sitting down, the girl began to eat voraciously, as if she had been hungry for several days, while the boy gnawed on the French fries one by one, as if he had something on his mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the fries, moved forward, and asked seriously: "Qingqing, can I chase you?"

The girl said directly without raising her head. : "No!"

The boy asked again: "Isn't it possible at all?"

The girl simply said: "It's not possible at all!"

The boy was stunned, looking straight at her and staying there...

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a burger in the other. She felt that the boy was looking at her, so she stopped eating, and then He looked at the boy with pitiful eyes and whispered: "Then...can I still eat it?"

The people next to me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and hurriedly said : "Eat, eat..."

This girl is so cute...If I don't let you chase me, I will definitely chase you...Chasing with all your might!!!!

13. I have always been restless in school. When I was a freshman, I went to self-study for the first time. I would sit in the classroom and feel depressed, and then I would go to the corridor to smoke.

Not long after I lit my cigarette, a PL girl came and asked, "We are studying in self-study now! Why did you run out?"

I said, I'm bored. Smoking, mm, which class are you in? Why did you run out?

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, "That class is from that class!"

I was very excited and said, "We are in the same class? What, are you depressed too?"

She said: Well, a new student in our class ran out during self-study, so I came out to look for him.

I smile, but it seems that there is still someone who can’t sit still. Why are you looking for him? You are not his mother!

MM: There is no way, I am his class teacher. !

I was confused at the time...

A minute later, I held back a sentence: Teacher, you look so young...

14. Dad is glass Factory workers have the habit of wearing gloves when working.

One day after the night shift, he took a taxi home. As the car passed through a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze came. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out his gloves from his pocket and put them on. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously: "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm used to it. , I have to wear gloves every time I work, so that I will not cut myself or leave traces..."

15. A middle-aged man went to a local restaurant on a business trip. Private hotel.

While dining the first night, the middle-aged man saw a few stains on the edge of the dish and was very worried.

He asked the hotel owner: "This dish doesn't look clean." The boss replied: "Don't worry, the mineral water will make it very clean."

Hearing With such an answer, the middle-aged man started eating with great peace of mind.

A week passed. The middle-aged man ate at the hotel every day and became familiar with a big dog in the hotel.

When the middle-aged man walked out of the door, the dog reluctantly caught up with him, clinging to him and refusing to let him leave.

The hotel owner saw it, walked up and patted the dog on the head, and said softly: "Let the guest go, mineral water."

16. Hunters hunting, watch There were two birds on the tree. I raised my gun and shot down one. I found that it was a hairless one. Just as I was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes and you beat her. Came down. . .

17. A certain restaurant keeps a parrot hanging at the door. When a guest arrives, he says: "Hello, welcome!" A regular guest thought: I'll come in quickly and see how you react. One day he "sneered" He ran in, and the parrot said: "His grandma's! It scared me!!!"

18?, a child in the delivery room laughed loudly after being born. The delivery nurses were very strange. They gathered around and observed that The child clenched his fist, and after breaking it open, he found it was an abortion pill. The child said: Damn it! You want to kill me? It’s not that easy!!

19. After the performance, the leader came to the stage to stop him. The beautiful Mongolian actress kept her hand warm and warm, and kept asking what her name was? The actress said excitedly: Malegebi

20?, Stand higher and see farther. ; If the water is clear, there will be no fish; if the people are mean, they will be invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Wear someone else's shoes and let someone else find them.

21?, What does depression mean? It means that I was beaten three times one by one, hugged by others, my wallet was stolen, my wife ran away with others, and there was only porridge left in the house. It's sour, my eyes twitched, I went to the hospital and the ambulance fell into a ditch!

22?, Mooncake fell in love with steamed buns, and pursued her desperately, but steamed buns refused to obey. Mooncake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed bun: My mother said, your stomach is full of intestines.

23. One day, the hen flew up to the roof, and the owner angrily said, "Come down, if you don't come down, I will kill all the roosters here, and your life will be worse than death." The hen laughed and said "Finally we can go find ducks."

24?, an American, a Frenchman and a Chinese were walking in the desert. As they walked, they saw a bottle and after opening the cork A man came out and said, "I am a fairy. I can grant three wishes to each of you!" The American was the first to say, "My first wish is for a lot of money." The fairy said. : "This is simple, it will satisfy you! Tell me about your second wish." The American said, "I want a lot more money!" After the god fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: " Take me home." The god said, "No problem." So the Americans returned to the United States with a lot of money. ?The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy gave him the beautiful woman. The Frenchman said again: "I also want a beautiful woman!" The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The French finally said: "Send me back to France." After the fairy sent the French back to China, he asked the Chinese what they wanted. ?The Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. The Chinese said: "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The god asked him what his third wish was. The Chinese said: "I miss the French and Americans very much. Please bring them back." The French and Americans were extremely popular, but they had no choice but to continue walking. ?While walking, I saw another bottle. After opening the stopper, another person came out. The person said: "I am the younger brother of the fairy just now. My magic power is not as strong as his, so I can only grant two wishes for each of you." ?The French and Americans jointly thought it would be better to let the Chinese speak first, lest they come back later. So the Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god fulfilled his wish. The French and Americans urged the Chinese to express their second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, the Chinese said to the gods calmly: "Okay, it's okay, you can go." An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese were exploring in the jungle. . As a result, they were all captured by the cannibal tribe. But the tribal chief said: "I am in a good mood today and I will not eat you, but you will all have to suffer a hundred blows. But before you get a blow, you can have a wish come true." The Americans were the first to suffer the blow. He said: "Before I hit the board, put a cushion on my butt." After putting it on, the boards fell like raindrops. At first, 70 boards were okay, but after 70 boards, the cushion was smashed, and then the boards were bloody... After the beating... , the United States walked away touching its butt. ?When the Japanese saw this, they asked for 10 mattresses. After 1, 2, 3...100 beatings, the Japanese stood up, patted their butts, and said they were fine; then they boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate, and wanted to sit back and watch the Chinese show.

The Chinese slowly lay down and said leisurely: "Come on, put the Japanese on my back."...