Extramarital affairs China's marital turmoil Extramarital affairs are the biggest "killers"

Extramarital affairs: China's marital turmoil is the biggest killer.

Ye Fu Xinghui

Ancient China, which has always advocated "family and everything prospers", is suffering from the impact of marital turmoil.

According to the national civil affairs statistics released recently, in the first quarter of this year, 465,000 couples registered for divorce in China, an increase of 17. 1% year-on-year, with an average of more than 5,000 families breaking up every day. The divorce rate in China has been rising for seven consecutive years.

"Chinese divorce" has become a phenomenon worthy of attention. Even foreign countries have coined a new word "my generation" to analyze the reasons for the high divorce rate in this country, which once claimed to be the most stable marriage in the world.

What happened to China's marriage? How to run a healthy, civilized, happy and safe marriage and family in today's social transformation period?

(1) The influence of marriage in social transition.

People aged 20-35 are the main force of divorce, people aged 36-50 are in a stable marriage period, and the divorce rate of people over 50 is on the rise.

Donna, 29, got married two years ago and broke up a year later. "After marriage, I got the wrong person. Before marriage, he dared to take advantage, after marriage, he became arbitrary; Before marriage, he was very good at making friends with heterosexuals, thinking that he had a' woman relationship' and cheated after half a year of marriage! "

"Love at first sight, married. In a rage, I left. " According to a staff member of Chaoyang District Marriage Registry, more than half of the divorced couples registered there in recent years are under 35 years old. Among them, "post-80 s" are the majority, and the phenomenon of "flash away" is increasingly prominent. "Some people are still quarreling when they go through the formalities. After getting the divorce certificate, they hugged and cried. "

Not only has the post-80s marriage changed a lot, but the marriage of their parents' generation has also turned red. "Now children can stand on their own feet after graduating from college, and their family responsibilities have been completed, so they no longer make do with each other." In his 50 s, he sighed to the teacher, "After nearly 20 years of marriage, people only know how cold and warm it is after drinking water!" Zheng, a lawyer of Hongjian Law Firm, said that about 30% of the divorce cases he represented were middle-aged and elderly people.

"With the challenge of social transformation and social change to marriage and family, the' new divorce era' is coming soon." Chen Yijun, a researcher at China Academy of Social Sciences and deputy director of the expert committee of China Marriage and Family Research Association, said that since the founding of New China 60 years ago, the marriage in China has entered a turbulent period in the last 30 years, especially in recent years.

Statistics show that since the late 1970s, the number of divorces and the divorce rate in China have been rising, with the growth rate reaching 7.65% in the last five years. Last year, more than1.2000 couples got married, and more than1.9600 couples parted ways. At present, the divorce rate in Shanghai has exceeded 1/3.

From the perspective of age structure, the people aged 22-35 are the main force of divorce, the marriage between 36-50 years old is relatively stable, and the divorce rate over 50 years old rises rapidly; Education background and education level are inversely proportional to divorce rate. The lower the education level, the higher the divorce rate, and the higher the education level, the lower the divorce rate.

Chen Yijun said that the rising divorce rate reflects that social development and the progress of the times have brought more choices and space to personal life, but it has also brought interpersonal conflicts and emotional risks.

"The trend of marriage in China has converged with that in other countries." Chen Yijun said that the large-scale turmoil in marriage and family began in Europe and America in the 1960s.

"In an era of longer and longer life, is monogamy still suitable for those who get rich and pursue diversified life and enjoyment?" At that time, the countries led by the United States questioned. So a social and cultural wave of so-called "sex" and "family" was set off, namely, cohabitation culture, unmarried culture, infertility culture and divorce culture. Their original intention is to hope that modern people can have a better, more convenient and happier lifestyle.

With the tide of globalization and modernization, China's "eastward expansion" in the late 1970s brought great changes to our country, which is regarded as the most stable marriage in the world.

External connection of traditional marriage

Writer Chi Li said, "The family has always been a violent and turbulent region, and it is the fastest world to change its way and keep pace with the times." After more than 30 years of development and change, China society has entered a transitional period. As the family foundation and social cell, how will the family "keep pace with the times" and "change its course"?

"More than 30 years ago, the traditional marriage mode was' economic cooperative' and' birth * * * same body'. Coupled with the concept of' no divorce and no divorce' and the supervision of the masses on the studio, external contact has played a huge role in the stability of marriage. " Chen Yijun said, "At that time, getting married was a once-in-a-lifetime event. I never thought about getting married. If not, I will' change jobs, change terms, and optimize the combination'. "

"Now men have slush funds, women have private money, and no one can do without them. Generally, a family has only one child, and the blood relationship that maintains marriage is relatively weak. " Chen Yijun thinks, "More importantly, the concept of love has changed. What movies and pop songs are there now? I love you like a mouse loves rice',' This is love, but I can't say it clearly'. I didn't know before. Division should investigate it for you. Nowadays, the values of commodity economy have penetrated into marriage and family. The old does not come, the new does not come, and the pursuit of eternity is no longer pursued. If a person has an extramarital affair, as long as he doesn't take bribes and no one will pursue it, it will become a privacy issue. "

The feeling of extramarital affairs in the period of social transformation, when marriage is confused. Where is the cohesion of modern marriage when consanguinity, economic relations, traditional concepts and ties become important external factors on which traditional marriage depends?

"The world outside is wonderful, but the world at home is helpless." Xiao Zhang, a company employee, is troubled by the difficulty in communicating with his wife. "We are very depressed together and have no chance to quarrel. I would rather stay in the office and chat with my colleagues than go home and face her. "

"My wife is ok in other aspects, except that the version is not enough and the memory is too low." Li, a civil servant, regrets the cultural differences between husband and wife.

"In the past, a professor and a farmer were married for life. Nowadays, the cohesion of marriage and family has shifted, paying more attention to the psychological harmony, cultural compatibility and sexual satisfaction of husband and wife. " Li Yinhe, a researcher at China Academy of Social Sciences and an expert on gender issues, believes that China is completing the transformation of nuclear family through several generations, that is, from parent-child relationship to husband-wife relationship. In the past, in the strong atmosphere of familism, marriage played the role of inheritance between parents and families, and in the process of "nuclear family transformation", the relationship between husband and wife was paid more and more attention by individuals.

"Modern marriage relies more on internal ties such as emotion, culture and sex to unite couples. This kind of marriage relationship is called' psychological-cultural * * * identity'. " Chen Yijun believes that compared with the traditional model, it is much more civilized, advanced and fragile.

Why is it fragile?

Rich people. "Economic development is the real improvement of people's quality. When people don't have the ability of self-discipline, heteronomy is relaxed. " Chen Yijun, for example, said that the wife of the boss of a company in Shenzhen asked her for advice and regretted pulling her husband from Mianyang ravine in Sichuan to be the boss in Shenzhen. "He made a fortune, the heart is not at home. Now I wish I could pull him back to that poor ravine and say,' You fetch water and I'll water the flowers'. " Many women want their husbands to get rich, but you should weigh his qualities.

Responsible person. "Now many people overemphasize, but ignore or even stay away from responsibility." Sun Yunxiao, director of China Youth Research Center, said that they attach great importance to interests and seldom pay attention to the feelings of others. Economic calculation and utilitarianism are the deeper reasons for their high divorce rate.

People. Chen Yijun said that social mobility, including regional mobility and occupational mobility, increased work pressure, frequent business trips, shortened time for couples to get along, expanded social contacts, increased opportunities for the opposite sex to meet and communicate in entertainment venues, and extramarital affairs became the biggest "killer"

Engels said that any attempt to maintain a "dead marriage" is an inaction that violates human nature. In this sense, the more advanced the society, the higher the tolerance for divorce. However, after all, divorce is the result of the breakdown of marriage, which will bring many social problems.

"The biggest divorce is children." Chen Yijun said that many unfortunate couples ignore the most important point: children can never learn from it. Their inner wounds are often difficult to heal all their lives, and their worries, insecurities and fears may never be cured.

More than 5000 junior two students from 70 middle schools in this city were tested psychologically. The results show that at least 20% students have different degrees of psychological barriers. After follow-up visits to the families of these children, it was found that 65% of the children came from "problem families", parents disagreed, broke up or "fought" in the process of breaking up, leaving psychological trauma to the children.

Relevant research at home and abroad shows that children who grow up in unhealthy, unhealthy and unhappy marriages and families are more likely to have psychological obstacles such as crime, anxiety, depression, hostility and revenge. To some extent, under the same influence and social and academic pressure, which child is more prone to mental illness and crime depends on what kind of family they come from.

"The endless problems of teenagers can be traced back to family problems." Sun Yunxiao said that the growth of children needs the care of both parents. Without this, they will have problems. If love is really between two people, but there are children, this marriage is really for the children to a large extent.

Divorced people are followed by women. More than 100 conducted a five-year survey on divorced couples over 35 years old. These families all have one or two children. At the time of breaking up, 85% of the children were awarded to the woman. Five years later, most men remarried, while less than 15% of women remarried.

It is not easy for middle-aged women to remarry. Zhu Mingmei, president of the China Association for the Promotion of Population and Culture, said that they are all parents, with psychological overdraft, emotional overdraft, time overdraft and health overdraft, and some of them are financially strapped. Because although the man gave a certain amount of maintenance during the divorce, this fee did not take into account the factors of rising prices and the increasing cost of children's life and study year by year. Therefore, many women find that divorce falls from one trap to another. Now there is a new poor single mother in the city.

So, for the man, is divorce the best way to solve the marriage problem? A survey of 5000 divorcees showed that after five years, two-thirds of men expressed regret.

As far as the marital turmoil of China people in recent years is concerned, the exploration of "sex" and "family" that lasted for more than 30 years was unsuccessful. In 2009, Time magazine published an article saying, "No force is more serious than the pain caused by the disintegration of marriage and family. It makes children suffer, the life of single mothers is in trouble, and it brings great disaster to the most intolerant people at the bottom of society. " A few days ago, the latest American bestseller "Fixed for Life" defined marriage as "not only a personal love story, but also the strictest social and economic contract."

A happy marriage is one that is good at solving problems.

"Keep your eyes open before marriage and turn a blind eye after marriage". The emergence of marriage lecture halls, emotional clinics and marriage and family counselors makes it possible to save the society.

A psychologist said: no success in one's life can make up for the failure of marriage and family. Many people have successful careers and helpless marriages. Falling in love, choosing a spouse, getting married and having children are the most important tests in life. How many people handed in qualified answers today?

"How to manage feelings, how to feel and how to love deposits, modern marriage and family relations have become a science." Chen Yijun said, "A happy marriage is not a marriage without problems, but a marriage that is good at solving problems."

"At present, all walks of life in our country pay attention to post access certificates, and nannies and hourly workers should be trained. Unfortunately, there are only two most important professional exceptions: being a husband and wife and being a parent, whether academic or academic. " Chen Yijun pointed out that most couples have not received pre-job and on-the-job training, lack the guidance of modern marriage and family concepts and skills, and are not competent for their respective roles.

Marriage begins. For individuals, learning should have a sense of urgency; For the society, we should give full play to the strength of all levels and non-organizations and strengthen publicity and education. Schools should offer relevant courses. Zhu Mingmei introduced that in order to promote the construction of a new family culture, the National Population and Family Planning Commission, the China Family Planning Association and the China Population Welfare Foundation recently launched a "pilot activity to create a happy family" in 32 cities across the country. Open a "lecture hall on marriage and family culture" to acquire new knowledge and skills.

"Open your eyes wide before marriage and close one eye after marriage." Chen Yijun, a lecturer in Lecture Room, teaches the "secret" of family harmony.

What to see before marriage? The first is "the new door is correct." It doesn't mean family status, but cultural level, including similar family cultural background and considerable education level, which is the basis of marriage communication; Second, the recognition of values. Colleagues can disagree with their own values, but couples must agree; Third, the identity of husband and wife's role concept. As long as both parties recognize this role distribution, the marital happiness index will be high; Finally, there are complementary personalities. "Open your eyes" to see these and the family behind him (her).

After marriage, you should know that wearing a wedding ring is the end of "exploration". "Meet and hate late" is followed by "meet and hate late". Romance is not equal to a happy family. Marriage means supporting each other, supporting each other and helping each other in the same boat. Need understanding and tolerance. The relationship between husband and wife from love to grace is the strongest.

You still need an emotional clinic to stay married. Fan, secretary-general of the China Marriage and Family Research Association of the All-China Women's Federation, said that in the long life of husband and wife, there is no marriage without illness, but it is a pity that there is a lack of emotional hospitals. It is imperative to establish marriage and family counseling and social assistance mechanisms.

In this regard, many foreign countries have taken positive actions. Recently, the United States launched a "healthy marriage" program to encourage people to participate in marriage counseling and training before divorce, and finally decide whether to break up. South Korea implements the "divorce review system". After receiving the application for divorce, the court did not accept it immediately, but gave both husband and wife some time to reconsider. Families with children are 3 months, and families without children are 1 month.

At present, Shanghai has taken the lead in piloting the "divorce reconciliation" mechanism, and the emergence of "marriage and family counselors" has begun the exploration and practice of social assistance and treatment for marriage and family.