How much impact does verbal violence have on a child’s life?

We always think that the "mental abuse" suffered by such people with serious violent tendencies in childhood must be completely different from that of ordinary people like us. But after watching the video, you will find that they are not far away from us at all. They also grew up under the shadow of "other people's children", "you really embarrass me", and "why are you so stupid".

For a long time, many people have not realized that language can also become violence, because it leaves no traces, but the damage is more lasting. Someone vividly compared it - verbal violence against children is like detonating a time bomb, which will only explode after the perpetrator has left the scene long enough.

I once thought that verbal violence was far away from us, and the words spoken by parents in troubled families were unpleasant and full of bloody violence. However, after watching the movie, I discovered that it is actually in our daily lives.

"You are so useless!"

"In addition to eating, what else can you do?"

"Why are you so stupid? You spilled the rice again All over!”

“I’ve said it so many times, but I still can’t remember it!”

“Stop crying! I won’t ignore you!”

......

Does this sound familiar? A sentence or two like this really won't have any impact, but over and over again, regardless of the occasion, it turns into violence! The child's self-confidence, social skills, and personality will undoubtedly be greatly affected.

Sometimes just an unintentional word from a parent casts a deep shadow in the child's heart, which lingers for a long time. Let me share with you a true story.

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A story about bedwetting

There was a Beijing girl named Lin Yingying who lived with her parents in a courtyard with many neighbors when she was a child. Both parents are teachers and are modest people, but they are strict in disciplining their children, believing that "strictness is love, while laxity is harm."

One day, Yingying, who was already in elementary school, wet the bed. She was nervous and shy. Her mother was very angry at the time. She stood in the yard clearing the bedding and complained in front of the neighbors, "Such a big girl is still peeing on the bed, and other 2-year-old children are better than her!"

Now, Lin Yingying is 36 years old. I can still remember how I felt at that time, "I wanted to find a crack in the ground and crawl into it. The neighbors were listening to my mother yelling in the yard, and my friends were laughing at me. I felt like I had been stripped naked and stood there without any dignity." ....."

To make matters worse, Yingying has always had incontinence problems as an adult, and she has seen many doctors but has not gotten better. For this reason, she has been unable to get married. For a long time, she and Her parents thought it was a biological problem.

It wasn’t until she saw a psychiatrist that she realized that the problem was largely mental and directly related to the tremendous pressure she endured as a child. She said she would never be able to forgive her mother in this life...

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Why does verbal violence occur

In fact, every mother loves her child deeply. But being a mother is really not an easy job. Taking care of children is physically and mentally exhausting, and you also have to deal with pressure from work, conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and cold war between husband and wife... We are not "Holy Mothers", and it is inevitable that negative emotions will explode if they accumulate too much. I couldn’t help but yell at my children.

If you think about it carefully, the baby eats food all over his body. When we are in a good mood, we feel so cute, and when we are in a bad mood, we get angry.

The fundamental reason for losing temper with our children and speaking out loud is more that our own negative emotions are overwhelming, and the baby's behavior is just the trigger.

Why do we rarely lose our temper with others, but only with our children? A very important reason is that we unconsciously implement double standards for our children.

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Do you treat your children as children?

The most common problem we have with our children is that they wander between two extremes -

When doing things, ask them as if they were adults;

Make a mistake , and criticized them as bluntly and even harshly as if they were children.

Many people are practicing double standards unknowingly.

A child is an independent living individual. He has self-esteem and self, and needs your respect, understanding and acceptance.

“There are no parents in the world who don’t love their children.” But when your words are armed as bullets and shot into the child’s heart, all he feels is your hatred.

Just like we did back then.

The following ways of losing temper must be avoided:

Insulting and labeling children

Scenario 1: The child’s movements today are slow and slow. You picked up your schoolbag to go to school, absentmindedly kicked stones on the roadside, and slowly did your homework... Then you finally couldn't hold it back, "You naughty kid, why are you so lazy? You're so slow."

The negative consequence of labeling children is that they feel that their image has been damaged and rarely reflect on themselves. Instead, they just feel ashamed and lack self-confidence. In order to protect themselves, older children will fight back or find excuses to defend themselves.

Ignore the child and use cold violence on the child

Scenario 2: The child is playing in the room. After cleaning the kitchen, you go to clean the living room. When you get to the room, you see the child cutting up The pieces of paper are scattered in every corner... So you keep a straight face silently, sullenly, and no matter how the child calls you, you don't respond.

Inflicting cold violence on children often makes the child not know what he has done wrong, but he can also sense that the atmosphere is wrong, which will lead to anxiety and uneasiness. Being unable to please you will also make the child feel deeply Deep frustration.

Speak harsh words to stimulate the child

Scenario 3: You worked hard to prepare a large table of rich dinners, called the child several times, but still did not see the child come out... So you I lost my temper and said, "Little bastard, if you don't want to eat, I won't eat anymore. I'll leave you to the beggars outside to beg for food."

Say such angry and harsh words to scare the child, which will make the child feel Sudden fear and frequent threats can destroy children's sense of security and even cause rebellious psychology. Some children may say, "If you throw me away anyway, I won't eat."

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Controlling anger is the best way to avoid harm

1. Dissolve your emotions

When you are not in a good mood, simply stay away from your children to prevent them from becoming cannon fodder. "Baby, mommy has been under a lot of pressure at work recently and is not in a good mood, but it has nothing to do with you. Can you let me be quiet for a while?" This way, you can avoid conflicts and demonstrate the correct way to deal with emotions for your children.

If someone is taking care of the baby, the mother can also go out for a walk, go shopping, or ask her best friends to chat. When I returned home in a happy mood, I found that the baby was still the same cute little angel.

2. Accept that children can make mistakes

Children are children, and there are many behaviors they cannot control themselves. They really don’t mean to go against us. Accepting the fact that children will make mistakes can help them grow calmly.

Think about it, we can always make excuses for our own procrastination and laziness, why not be more tolerant of our children's dilly-dallying and misbehavior?

3. Allow children to express their emotions

Similarly, if we cry loudly when being scolded by our leaders, why are our children not allowed to cry? The child is a little "heartless", but there are also times when he is in a bad mood. Give him a hug when he cries and help him express clearly, "I know you're sad and you want to go out and play, but now it's time to go to bed." Encourage him to express his emotions, "You can cry if you want. Mom will be with you." ". In this way, the child will clearly know where the emotion comes from, so that he will not cry and fuss endlessly.

4. Directly tell the child what is wrong

“How many times have I said this, why can’t you remember it?” In addition to venting your emotions, this kind of words can only Make your children feel like they can do nothing. Criticizing children with a small amount of nonsense, not rehashing old scores, and specifically pointing out the current mistakes is the best help. "I'm angry because you didn't put your toys away". A simple sentence is enough to let the child know where he went wrong.

5. Apologize to your child as soon as possible

If you really can’t help but lose your temper with your child, the remedy is to apologize as soon as possible so that the child can feel our apology and like. Hug the child tightly and say, "Baby, I'm sorry, mom shouldn't yell at you today, mom loves you."

For children, we are everything to them. They firmly believe in their parents’ words, no matter good or bad. An unintentional word may affect a child's life. There are no perfect parents in the world, but we can have a heart to improve ourselves, realize that rough language is harmful to children, and do our best to reduce the occurrence of harm, which is a great progress.