Animal jokes (English version)

A cat suspected of multiple personality disorders;

As an experienced veterinary psychologist, I have treated many cats suffering from various diseases, including feline pseudodisorder (F.F.D), Siamese schizophrenia, generalized Angora anxiety syndrome (G.A.A.S), hysterical hairball, catnip dependence, picky personality disorder and, of course, MPD (commonly called cat dissociative disorder, various types).

My small success is the result of strict application of multi-stage empathy to individual generation. It has high requirements for therapists and patients, but it is the only hope if there is enough motivation and understanding of the owner.

In the first stage of treatment, it is necessary to repeatedly apply the external empathy anxiety exercise (F.E.E.D.M.E) until a stable period of at least one month is established. The next stage begins to challenge separatism, which requires observing xenophobic strategies (L.I. t。 t。 e。 r。 b。 o。 X。 ) give a cordial explanation to the transferred terrain entity, in which the division itself is toxic to cats. The last stage produces a single and complete personality through active and unified re-integration and reinforcement (P.U.R.R). Although this stage may last for more than two years, it must be completed accurately with a strong focus. A comprehensive explanation of M.E.O.W' s therapeutic methods can be found in my new book, Analytical Theory of Cats & Characteristics: Evaluation and Technology (F.A.T.C.A.T).

Maggie is telling her friend Grace how she gets her son up in the morning. "I just opened his door and threw the cat into his bed. He sleeps with his dog. "

Kilkenny once had two cats.

Everyone thinks there is an extra cat;

So they quarreled.

They dig and bite.

Tilt, except nails

Their tails are pointed,

There are no cats except two.

Can cats see in the dark?

Yes, but they have trouble holding flashlights!

Do you call a cat that swallows a duck a cat?

A duck full of fat.

Peter: Have you ever seen catfish?

Paul: Yes, I have.

Peter: How does it hold the fishing rod?

A black and white cat walked across my road this morning, and I have been unlucky ever since.

Customer: Do you sell cat meat?

Butcher: Yes, as long as they have a company.

A man's dog died. He took the dog away before burying it.

The dog went to the vet to see if the dog was really dead.

The vet said, put it on the table.

He opened a door, a cat walked around the dog, and then returned to the house.

The box and the vet closed the door.

The vet said, "Yes, your dog died. That will cost 200 dollars. “

$200, the man said, don't you think it's a bit much?

Is it too much to tell me that my dog is dead?

The vet said, "Well, this is my $40 fee, 160 cat scan."

What do you call a cat traveling by train?

a computer

What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?

She is wearing gloves.

The U.S. Army tried to explain this problem:? Why did the chicken cross the road?

TRADOC: The purpose is to familiarize chickens with the procedures of crossing the road. ? Crossing the road can only be done between sunset and sunrise. A solo chicken must have visibility of at least three miles and a safety observer.

Special forces command:? Chicks cross at a 90-degree angle to avoid long exposure to communication lines. ? In order to achieve the greatest surprise, chickens should use NVGs (night vision goggles) for this maneuver at night, preferably near the bend in the valley.

PERSCOM: Due to the needs of the army, this chicken was involuntarily redistributed to the other side of the road. This will be a controlled trip for three years, and we promise to give the chicken a good task later. ? Every chicken will be required to cross the road once in its career, which will not affect its future promotion opportunities.

Defense intelligence agency? No matter what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any transit behavior of poultry performances. ? Is there a problem? See SSO.

Army foreign technology center: This event requires confirmation; We need to repeat this process with different chicken breeds, road types and weather conditions to confirm whether this will really happen within the specific parameters of chickens and whether it is possible for them to cross the highway designated by some people.

Fort Laker:? Chicken should record this as a GCC sortie only if it meets the road crossing conditions. ? Only when crossing on Monday or Thursday or during the full moon will the crossing update the 60-day crossing currency of the chicken. ? Coach chickens can update their money at any time. They observed another chicken crossing the road.

Force Command: The purpose is not important. ? Importantly, the chicken is still under the operational control of the commander-in-chief of the US Transportation Command and has not flown to the war zone on the other side of the road. ? Without chewing, this chicken can cross the road seamlessly with near-perfect real-time visibility on the road.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need time to cross the road and time for chickens to cross the road again.

Command post: What chicken?

Tower:? Chickens were instructed not to go near the road. This road intrusion was reported in the Dangerous Chicken Crossing Report (HCRCR). ? Please emphasize again that the chicken is required to read back all short instructions.

Army Equipment Command (AMC): The recent technological changes, coupled with the current multi-polar strategic environment, have brought new challenges to the chicken's ability to cross the road. ? Chickens are also facing great challenges to create and develop the core competitiveness required by this new environment. ? STRICOM has been asked to develop a virtual intensive chicken trainer using ADA language (virtual food). ? The expected use of this device may benefit the "Army of the Day After Tomorrow" (AAN), and it will certainly benefit the "NAATNA" (Army of the Day After Tomorrow). AMC's Chicken Raising System Project Office (CSPO) has established a cooperative relationship with customers to help raise chickens by rethinking its logistics strategy and implementation process. Using the poultry integration model (PIM), CSPO helps chicken farms to adjust their personnel, processes and technologies by using their skills, methods, knowledge capital and experience to support their overall strategy within the framework of planned management. ? CSPO convened road analysts and retired chickens from all walks of life, as well as MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry, to take advantage of their personal knowledge and capital (implicit and explicit) and enable them to collaborate with each other to achieve the implicit goal of delivering and successfully designing and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across poultry and median process continuum. The meeting was held in a park-like environment, creating an influential environment, which is based on strategy, mission-centered, based on a consistent, clear and unified mission statement, and consistent with chicken's mission, vision and core values. ? This helps to create a comprehensive business integration solution. ? The Chicken System Project Office helps the chicken to continue its mission.

A librarian was working at her desk when she noticed a chicken coming into the library and waiting patiently at the desk. When the chicken saw that it caught the librarian's attention, it shouted, "book, book, book, book!" "

The librarian agreed and put some books in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly caught them and disappeared.

The next day, the librarian was disturbed by the same chicken again. He put a pile of books from the previous day on the table and shouted again, "Books, books, books!" "

The librarian shook his head, wondering what the chicken was doing with these books, but finally found more books for the chicken. The chicken disappeared.

The next day, the librarian was disturbed by the chicken again. It shouted (looking angry), "Book, book, book!" " Now, the librarian's curiosity overcame her, so she took a bunch of books for the chicken and followed it when it left the library. She followed it through the parking lot, walked a few blocks along the street, and finally entered a big park. The chicken disappeared into a small forest, followed by the librarian. On the other side of the trees is a small swamp. The chicken stopped at the edge of the swamp. The librarian is really curious now. He hurried over and saw a little frog next to the chicken, checking one book at a time. The librarian just heard the frog say, "Read, read, read …"

Chicken or egg first?

Rooster.

A chicken and an egg are lying on the bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on her face, and the egg is frowning and looks a little angry.

The egg muttered to herself, without aiming at anyone, "Well, I think we answered this question ..."

A chicken walked into a bookstore, went to the counter, looked the sales assistant in the eye and said, "bah!" " .

The salesman was a little surprised. He took a book from the best seller shelf and put it on the counter and said "book". To the clerk's surprise, the chicken then paid for the book and left the store with it.

The next day, the chicken went back to the bookstore and went to the sales assistant and said, "Bah! buk！” .

The puzzled assistant shrugged his shoulders, took two more books from the shelf, put them on the counter and said "Books". The chicken paid the money again and left the shop with two books.

On the third day, the chicken went into the bookstore again, went to the shop assistant and said, "Bah! buk！ buk！” .

Now the sales assistant doesn't know what books a chicken wants, but selling is selling, so he chooses three more books for the chicken, puts them on the counter and says "books, books". As expected, the chicken paid the money, took three books and left the shop.

The sales assistant could no longer restrain his curiosity, so he decided to follow the chicken to see what happened. He grabbed a jacket, hastily closed the shop door and locked it, just in time to see the chicken turn the corner at the end of the road. Running to the corner, he saw the chicken in the distance enter the local park. He ran to the park, crossed the gate and found the chicken farm on the other side of the pond. After running through the park, he finally caught up with the chicken in the grass by the pond. The sales assistant is really out of breath now and can't talk to the chicken, so he just watches the chicken hand over each book to a toad by the water. Whenever the chicken handed a book to Toad, Toad looked at the cover and said, "Look again, look again, look again."

Three people were shortlisted for a position in the CIA. Candidates are told that they need to bring their wives in at the last stage of the selection process. They were told, "We need to know about your family life".

No problem, all three men brought their wives the next day. Three wives were arranged in different rooms, and so were the candidates. The CIA interviewer walked into the room with the first candidate:

"Sometimes CIA agents are asked to do something that they think is wrong. We need to be sure that your conscience will not hinder our goal, and you will be able to complete any task we ask you to complete. "

After that, one of the interviewers pulled out a gun. "Go to the other room and kill your wife", which was his instruction.

"What, are you crazy?" He responded. "I have two great children, and I love my wife. You can keep your stinking job! " With that, he left with his wife.

The agent approached the second candidate with the same explanation and explanation.

"You must be joking!" He said loudly. "We have been married for 30 years. I am very happy with her. Fuck you and your job! " In this way, he left with his wife

Finally, the agent approached the last candidate and gave him the same explanation and explanation.

He immediately rushed out of the room with a gun and ran into the room where his wife was. Six shots were fired. After a short silence, the agents could hear all kinds of crashing sounds. Finally, the candidate came out of the room, exhausted and bleeding.

"What happened inside?" Asked the agent.

The candidate replied, "Some idiot put a blank bullet in the gun. I have to strangle this bitch! "

I drove through the countryside, and there were some cows by the roadside. We are all mature adults, so we have all done something like this: I put my head out of the window and shouted, "Moo!" " Just like we thought the cow was thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving! How can he afford this? "

What do you call a cow that has miscarried? No caffeine.

How does the rancher manage his account? On a motorcycle.

What do you call a cow that has miscarried? =

No caffeine.

Niu Jiao without legs. What?

Ground beef.