What can we do to deal with other people's criticisms and accusations?

I think everyone is familiar with criticism and accusation. In life, it can be said that this kind of scene can be seen everywhere. For example, parents criticize children and children blame their parents. Leaders criticize subordinates, and subordinates accuse leaders; Friends blame each other and complain when they encounter something wrong. The reason why we criticize and blame others is because others have not done what we know, and most criticisms simply don't work, or even backfire. Once the other party doesn't do what we know, we seem to feel betrayed. He is wrong.

If we look at the problem from the perspective of criticizing others for a long time, it will make us form the habit of avoiding responsibility. If something goes wrong, our first thought is his fault, and we start to blame others, as if it has nothing to do with ourselves. When we meet this kind of person, I think everyone basically contacts him once or twice and then never wants to make friends with him again, right? This will lead to worse and worse interpersonal relationships. If you want to improve your interpersonal relationship, you should first learn to pay attention to yourself and quit the habit of blaming others at will.

In the face of other people's accusations and criticisms, there are often the following five kinds of people, all of whom have their own different coping styles. Here, I write a common example in life: my colleague Xiao Fei put his beloved pen on the table, and Xiaoming accidentally dropped his clothes and broke them when crossing the road. At this moment, Xiao Fei angrily said to Xiao Qiang, are you blind? Can't you see my pen there?

The first one thinks it's all my fault This kind of person, in the face of accusations from others, admits his mistakes and blames himself for all the responsibilities. Its reaction may be that it is scared stiff after being scolded; It is also possible to admit immediately: I'm sorry, it's all my fault. In short, he takes all the responsibility on himself and is prone to inferiority, self-blame, guilt and shame. He may keep attacking himself internally. Such people are often insecure and prone to depression.

The second is to blame others. The possibility of this kind of person facing problems is to pick other people's problems first and start all kinds of throwing pots, and it is almost difficult to blame themselves for the problems; If he is accused by others, he will often have a conditioned reflex, that is, he will go back without saying anything. It can be said that he has a fear of people who disagree with him. If Xiao Qiang, his colleague, is also a person who accuses others, Xiao Qiang's reaction may be to say angrily, "Who do you say is blind?" If there is a language like "say it again", it is possible that the war between two people will begin, and there may be quarrels and fights.

The third kind of people will understand their feelings and needs in the face of accusations and criticisms from others. Also in the above example, Xiao Fei's reaction may be to feel angry and sad. He may say: I'm sorry, you knocked my pen off, because it is very memorable to me. Colleague Xiao Qiang's reaction to colleague Xiao Fei's accusation may be: First, he will be aware of his emotions. When he is told by others, he will also feel very angry, angry and sad. He will feel that he has not been respected and understood, and he will feel misunderstood because he did not see it. He may say: I'm really sorry, I really didn't mean to. I didn't see your pen here just now. I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope I can get your respect.

The fourth kind of people will understand the feelings and needs of others when facing the accusations of others. Similarly, in the above example, Xiao Qiang's possible reaction in this situation is that he first noticed that the other party was very angry and angry. And then I thought I could be so angry if I knocked off a pen. This pen seems very important to him. He will say: I'm very sorry, I didn't see your pen there just now. I didn't mean to. You look angry. I suppose this pen is very important to you?

The fifth kind of people will understand their own feelings and needs when facing the accusations of others, and will also understand the feelings and needs of others. Similarly, in the above example, Xiao Qiang was accused of stealing Xiao Fei's pen. Xiao Qiang's reaction may be that he will realize that his feelings are sad and angry, and what he needs in his heart may be respect and understanding. At the same time, he will also feel that Xiao Fei's feelings may be sadness, anger and anger, and he will also feel that this pen is very valuable and meaningful to him. Xiao Qiang's reaction to this accusation may be: I'm sorry, I didn't see your pen there just now. I really didn't mean to. In fact, I feel very sad when you say that about me. I also hope to get your respect. You look angry. This pen seems very important to you?

If we stop reacting in a conditioned way and consciously use language or behavior to express our observations, feelings and wishes from an objective perspective, there will be no more contradictions in our lives. I believe almost no one likes fighting, right? Such consequences are often either life-and-death or both. When we consciously use the third, fourth and fifth ways, we often avoid a lot of unnecessary troubles and make our interpersonal relationship better.

Many people may say that I also want to use these methods, but when someone accused me, I went straight back before I could react, or when someone criticized me, I felt that the criticism was right and took all the responsibility on myself, but afterwards I felt very uncomfortable and felt that both sides had responsibilities/problems in this matter. How can I use my own language consciously?

No matter learning a skill or consciousness, it is inseparable from deliberate practice, which will go through five stages. Let me give you an example to show that these stages are all demonstrated by this example. Some people don't know the difference between h and f, and I think many people must have met it. For example, some people say "spend money" as "give money". Later, the man went to learn Mandarin, and the teacher also taught him some ways to pronounce this word correctly.

The first stage is unconscious, that is, the person has not realized his mistake, or says that he has to pay money every day, not to mention using skills. This stage is called the accident stage;

The second stage is to know later, that is to say, after paying the money, I realize that I have done something wrong, remember the methods taught by the teacher, and meditate on spending money in my mind with corresponding skills. This is called hindsight;

The third stage is when you realize, that is, when you are about to say that you are spending money, you realize that this is wrong, think of the method taught by the teacher and immediately correct it in your mind, saying that you are spending money. This is enlightening;

The fourth stage is foresight, that is, I pay attention first, then I say it, then I think about what method I should use to say it, and finally I say "spend money" correctly. This is called calling beforehand;

The fifth stage is unconscious, that is, at this stage, you can pronounce the correct pronunciation directly without deliberately thinking about this skill. This stage is called "thinking without forgetting".

What we are talking about here is the conscious use of awareness, so how can we improve awareness? First of all, you should remember what your purpose is, just like you need to know what to take when you run upstairs to get something. Otherwise, if you forget it when you run upstairs, you won't know what to take. It's impossible to scratch your eyebrows and beard at this time, right? The second point is that we should remember the method, just like this thing is hidden in a complicated darkroom or somewhere, you should know how to open it; The third point is to master the essence of this method, otherwise you won't know how to operate it if the problem appears on the vest. For example, this secret compartment can't be opened after a little change.

Be sure to know the importance of remembering and understanding goals and methods. Don't tell me you know, but you just can't express it. This shows that your cognition is vague. If it is vague cognition, it can't guide our behavior at all, which also shows that you don't know your goals and the skills to accomplish them at all.

When we started practicing, you knew that this time you were consciously practicing using the language. Our skill is to feel our own feelings and needs and those of others. We may have lost our temper in the initial state, but we still don't realize it; After further development, we began to realize our mistakes gradually, but only afterwards. At this time, we can use our own skills to rehearse the scene in our minds or with paper and pen. At this stage, we have practiced for a long time; Once again, our reaction is that in life practice, when we encounter such a scene, we may be almost conditioned at that time. When we consciously use these techniques, they are awkward to use. When we practice enough at this stage; The fourth stage of development is that once we encounter such a scene, we begin to realize the emotions and needs of ourselves or others. When we are skilled enough at this stage, we will gradually make this method invisible and use it.

Deliberate practice is actually a process of building new roads around the old ones, establishing new ways to deal with problems, and gradually forgetting the original methods.

Actually, there is another way to deal with criticism, that is, we speak with facts. First, if the criticism is correct, you should write it down, admit that you will go back and correct it, and be a person who will correct it when you know what is wrong. The second method, if the other party is vague, can use the partial consent method. I admit some of the problems you said. What did I do badly? The third way is active exploration. You said I was wrong. Can you tell me specifically where I am wrong? If the other party can't say a thing or two, then his accusation will be broken. If you can say it accurately, it may help you see what you don't realize.

When we master some communication skills, it can often help us avoid a lot of unnecessary troubles and make our interpersonal relationship more harmonious. I think these methods are better ways for adults to deal with contradictions.