Good husbands are all "boastful"

In psychological counseling, we often meet visitors who are troubled by the intimate relationship of counseling, especially women.

Most of the confusion that women encounter comes from getting along with their husbands.

What's more interesting is that these women who are anxious about their husbands usually have an obvious feature: inexplicably feel that their husbands are becoming less and less likable.

Ms. a said:

"My husband was half dead as soon as he got home. Of course, I also know that he works hard, and sometimes I want to care more about him. But he doesn't seem to want to talk to me, so I won't call at this time. Originally, I wanted to be caring and attentive, but all the words came to my mouth and I was scolded, complaining that he did nothing. At the beginning, he will come back, gradually began to cold violence, no communication ... "

Ms. b said:

"My husband is really like a giant baby. He is not self-motivated and doesn't care about his children's study. I don't know how to make him mature. I think, no matter what I say, he is the same. Recently, he seems to be more and more homeless ... "

Ms. c said:

"My husband has been in a state of barely maintaining his business for several years. He often goes out early and comes back late, so we have little chance to communicate. When two people get along, he avoids me. I want to get close to him. He's repulsive. I feel very lost. I think he is cold to me. But the more I chase, the farther he is ... "

It is not difficult to see that the interaction between these couples has fallen into a negative cycle mode, resulting in a huge gap between each other's real inner needs and actual results.

Although the state of each couple is different, the essence is the same: they need each other and want to be close, but they are drifting away.

Obviously, they are two people who need emotional support and comfort from each other. One wants to get close, but pushes people farther and farther. The other needs support, but feels the frost sword. This is really the furthest distance in the world.

Why is this happening?

You know, the more my husband scolds, the more disobedient he becomes.

In fact, many wives have an ideal husband in their hearts.

If the real husband is not satisfied, the subconscious will want to "transform" him into an ideal appearance. However, the way they "reform" their husbands is usually presented by expressing their dissatisfaction.

Many times, when a husband faces his wife's dissatisfaction and accusations, he will not break out directly, leaving the relationship completely deadlocked, but choose to fight back in a secret, circuitous and imperceptible way.

This is what psychology calls "passive attack". Passive attacks are often unconscious and imperceptible.

For example:

When you can go home early, you frequently choose to work overtime or eat out;

What can be done well is not done well;

Promises to his wife are always selectively forgotten;

Obedience on the surface, carelessness behind the scenes, procrastination, perfunctory ...

Whenever a wife does not express her needs positively, but expresses her dissatisfaction and sadness through negative emotions, her partner often chooses passive attack accordingly.

If you dislike his laziness, he will really break the jar, don't look after the children, don't clean, and even don't go to work well.

You think he is not motivated, so he is willing to cook salted fish every day until he dies.

You thought he was away from home all day, and gradually you found that you would never see him again.

It seems that in the matter of husband and wife getting along, it is really not by "brute force" that the problem can be solved.

At this time, we really need to think and learn how to actively express our needs and express our inner expectations in the right words and ways.

Why can't you always help criticizing your husband?

If women always look down on their husbands, there are actually deeper psychological reasons.

According to the theory of object relationship, the way parents treat their children will be gradually internalized by their children during their growth.

In children's inner world, there will be "inner parents" and "inner children".

When we grow up, even if our parents no longer live with us, the way our parents treat us will become the way we treat ourselves and others.

If we have strict parents, our "inner parents" will continue to be strict with us. It is difficult for a person who is hard on himself to be tolerant of his partner.

Ms. B has a strict father.

In the face of this strict father, she can't be spoiled and close, and many behaviors are intolerable. Her father's bad temper is frightening, and she is always afraid of being blamed.

Her father was not good to her mother, so she had long been dissatisfied and angry with her father, and this dissatisfaction and anger has been accumulated in her heart.

In this way, when Ms. B grows up, she may form a subconscious mind that wants to control the opposite sex and destroy the partnership. If Ms. B can increase her awareness of her old model and appreciate and praise her husband, maybe her husband will be more pleasing to the eye.

At the same time, insecure women are more likely to be "dissatisfied" with their partners.

Everyone knows that security is very important, but security is not innate.

Kohut, a famous self-psychologist, believes that the understanding and reaction from the nurturers play a very important role in a person's early life, and it can be a "psychological oxygen" for a person's life.

If a person gets enough and quality companionship and attention in childhood, he will form a stable self-consciousness, that is, he thinks he is valuable, precious and worthy of being treated well.

Such people are internally stable, can better cope with the changes in the external world, better establish high-quality relationships with others, and will not have self-doubt because of other people's attitudes and changes.

Women who feel unstable will be more likely to attach their sense of security and happiness to others, hoping that their partners will act according to their own wishes and treat themselves.

Only when your partner is what you expect, can you prove that you are lovely and excellent. If he is "disobedient", he will have a strong sense of anxiety and doubt his own value.

Ms. C grew up in an unresponsive family environment. Her parents are indifferent to her. They are always busy with their own affairs and ignore her needs. Her childhood was always spent in a state of lack of companionship.

Therefore, after Ms. C got married, when her husband was disobedient or showed the same indifference as her parents, Ms. C began to trigger a series of inner chain reactions, and negative emotions surged up, and she began to feel dissatisfied and felt that the relationship was becoming more and more unsafe. That man is a kite with a broken line, flying far away.

At this time, she needs to know what she should do to call back an obedient and lovable husband and let the intimate relationship return to a virtuous circle.

Therefore, if you want to figure out how to make your husband look more pleasing to the eye, you'd better know your behavior patterns in intimate relationships first.

The more boastful the husband is, the better.

After psychological counseling, Ms. B made it clear that our feelings and views on the outside world are largely due to our own way of getting along and problems that we didn't realize before, so she decided to make some changes herself.

She found a phenomenon: in fact, there is a good way to make her husband more obedient and pleasing to the eye.

One word: boast.

In order to make the behavior she wants continue on her husband, she often praises this specific behavior:

"Husband, you have worked hard outside for a day, and it is so considerate to come back to help with housework!"

"Husband, the way you do housework is so handsome, I like it very much!"

"Husband, you help me out to buy medicine so late. I really feel that I am the happiest woman in the world ... "

Gradually, she found that a person's language and opinions really have the function of self-prediction. Praising your husband can change the negative self-prediction and make him more and more in line with his expectations.

Her praise played a positive role in strengthening her expected behavior. His husband came home earlier than usual, and he was more considerate and patient with his children, which was very different from the past.

It turns out that praise has such great magic.

People need to live in a positive feedback environment, and everyone needs to be seen, affirmed and responded.

Kohut once said: Where there is no response is hell. Lack of response and feedback, or letting a person live in an environment of negative feedback all the time, will greatly dampen a person's narcissism.

What we call narcissism is not a derogatory term we usually understand. In the sense of self-psychology, narcissism refers to a person's level of self-esteem, self-love and self-identity.

In childhood, a large number of negative and unresponsive caregivers will lead to the defect of a person's narcissistic development and make it difficult for him to develop a healthy level of self-identity.

If you don't agree with yourself, it is naturally difficult to agree with your husband. Similarly, if you are critical of yourself, you will always be dissatisfied with your husband. In fact, you are also denying your choice.

Similarly, praising her husband is also reshaping a positive, recognized and nourishing family environment. In an environment where we are seen and recognized, we can heal again and move in the direction of re-integration of relations.

Being seen is a kind of light.

If we are not seen in the early life, it still plays an important role in repairing the soul in the intimate relationship of adulthood, allowing us to feel the nourishment of the relationship again and regain the ability to love and be loved.