Joke Collection Website - Talk about mood - Do you have any funny jokes or jokes to recommend?

Do you have any funny jokes or jokes to recommend?

My birthday is toxic! At the dinner table, I learned that my colleague’s birthday was November 9th. I picked up my phone and wanted to save it in the notes in the address book. My colleague immediately stopped me nervously: “Don’t save it! I once had a friend who saved my birthday in his phone. , but the fire brigade came and fined him 500 yuan!”

It turned out that his friend mistakenly stored his birthday in the other numbers column of the address book, forming another phone number in his name. One day, his friend wanted to call him. After dialing, he found that it was different from usual. It sounded a bit strange, so he hung up the phone gently without thinking much. After a while, there was a rapid knock on the door, and the person came in and asked:

"What's the matter?!"

...

"Why didn't you call the police?!"

...

"Why didn't you call the police? Look at the call history of your mobile phone!"

...

"Also, why did you hang up the phone again? I thought you were burned!"

...

As a result, the fire brigade issued a ticket of 500 yuan to his friend in accordance with the "Public Security Management Punishment Law".

1. When I didn’t go to work, I saw someone driving a BMW, and said with contempt and curses: “You are so awesome. Sooner or later, I will be better than you.” After I went to work, I saw someone driving a BMW. The driver of a BMW had an envious look on his face: "I'm so awesome. When did I become so awesome?"

2. My best friend fell in love, but fell out of love again. I asked her why? Best Friend: My mother hates me for being greedy and always stealing my brother-in-law’s snacks. . . Damn it, how old is your brother-in-law? Best friend: Three years old. . .

3. It was the first time I steamed steamed buns at home. I was very happy. I took the steamed buns I made and happily said to my father: "Dad, how do you like the virgin steamed buns I made?"

4. Mother A: I am really worried. My son who is in college always writes to his family asking for money. I really don’t know why he wants so much money? Mother B: I’m even more worried. My daughter, a college student, never asks for money from her family. I really don’t know where she will get it from!

5. Question: "What is the relationship between Ai Fukuhara and the Chinese team?" Someone answered: "The relationship between Xiao Huihui and Yangcun!" Vivid image, nothing wrong with it!

6. Today, a little kid came over on the street: "Brother, lend me some money to spend." "Little brat, let's go play!" "Okay! Just wait for me!!" Lift up the long skirt of the woman in front! "Second uncle, this aunt's underwear is black!!" Miss, please listen to my explanation...

I had a fight with my wife today, and she was so angry that I felt like I was winning. Feel. I was lying in bed playing with my mobile phone at night, and I found that this guy used my mobile phone to send a WeChat Moments message at some point, "I was so hungry at noon, so I took a bite of shit, eh! It tasted pretty good!" Damn it, there are more than a hundred people below. Comment.

When I was in elementary school, there was an open class. The Chinese teacher said, "I am heartbroken for you. Who can change this sentence into a quilt sentence?" My idiot classmate stood up and answered. He said, "We are so heartbroken by the teacher." The Chinese teacher and the teachers who attended the class had dark expressions on their faces. But until now I still don't know how to change this sentence into a sentence with the word "bei".

Male: Boss, how much does it cost to take a shower here? Shop owner: Men’s bath is 10 yuan, women’s bath is 100 yuan. Man: Are you robbing money... Shop owner: Do you want to go to the men’s bath or the women’s bath? Man: ...I decisively handed over 100 yuan. When I entered the women's bathhouse, I saw that they were all men. Brother in the bath:... Damn, here comes another man!

I took my nephew to the park yesterday. He was playing with a paper airplane while walking, and accidentally flew into a girl. The girl said: My little friend, why did your plane fly to me? I said lightly: The plane is looking for an airport to land! Hey...hey...why do you hit someone?

I don’t know what happened today, but my right leg was extremely itchy, so I bought a dermatitis pill. At night, I took off my pants and applied medicine on the bed. My wife asked with concern, "What's wrong?" I said, "It's okay, my legs are itchy, maybe I'm allergic." Unexpectedly, my wife said calmly, "No need to apply it, just change into a pair of pants tomorrow. I used your pants to wipe my peaches yesterday."

1. Seeing auntie putting on makeup, my little niece ran over and said: Auntie, I want to put on makeup too.

Auntie: "Little girl, what makeup are you wearing?"

Niece: There is a boy in our class...

Auntie: Can't you tell? I'm only in the first grade and I already have a boyfriend? Do you want to dress up to make him like you more?

Niece: No, he hates it. I want to put on makeup like you and scare him to death!

2 Lao Tie: How is our relationship?

Me: Very strong!

Lao Tie: Then let me ask you? Since we have a strong relationship, if I ask you to borrow money, how much will you lend me?

Me: 80 yuan.

Lao Tie: Damn, they are all very close, so you only borrowed 80 yuan?

Me: Yes, scrap metal costs 50 cents per pound, and you weigh 160 pounds, so...

3 There once was a fool who liked to say no, others Asked him anything, he said no!

Mom: Son, do you still have living expenses this month?

Son:. . . . .

4 I remember my father told me that you should put your money away. If you drop it and someone picks it up, they will scold you! I don't know why.

One day on the way home, I picked up 100 yuan. I happily said: Which SX dropped this.

5 I was walking my dog ??for a walk in the morning. I met a girl holding a dog on the way. When the two dogs looked at each other, they started to get close.

The girl looked at me and said: Take good care of your son.

I lowered my head and said to my dog: Your mother-in-law doesn’t like you!

Share a hilarious joke. The picture is long but I think it’s funny. The climax is coming

Look at Lin Gengxin’s Weibo, you will find that it is even funnier than the joke!

1. The boy said to the girl: "My dear, I love you! I am willing to protect you from the wind and rain, and prevent you from being exposed to the wind and sun." The girl said, "I am willing to protect you from the wind and the rain." The girl said, "I am willing to protect you from the wind and rain." A little wind is worth it." The boy said, "No, not at all!" The girl was very moved and kicked the boy away from the electric fan. 2. I took my two-year-old daughter to eat wontons in a restaurant. As I was eating, my daughter shouted: "Dad, look, there are bees." I took a look and said to my daughter: "Baby, that's not a bee, that's a fly." The daughter then started counting loudly: "Dad, look, there are two flies, three flies, four flies. Wow, dad, there are so many flies." ." The lady boss at the counter blushed. 3. The teacher was helping a primary school student fill out the registration form. She asked: What does your father do? The primary school student said proudly: My father is the governor! The teacher was startled and asked: Which province is the governor of? The primary school student replied: When I was in kindergarten, my father never bought me toys. He would save as much as he could. The aunts said that my father was the most economical parent, and later he was called the governor.

I hope these jokes can bring you happiness!

Let me tell you one thing, it may be a bit indecent, but as the saying goes, elegance and vulgarity are the best!

In high school, many texts, according to the syllabus requirements, were played to students if possible. Films and television films of the same name were played to students. At that time, three classes of the same grade formed a large class. In the large multimedia classroom, first of all, After watching "Titanic", everyone was very excited. Who doesn't want to watch a movie during class? You can relax, you don't have to take exams, you don't have to worry about test papers, you can also chat, and the teacher even asked you to bring snacks. How cool!

Later, we learned about Du Shiniang’s Angrily Sinking the Treasure Box. We wanted to watch it. The teacher said there was no plate. A buddy raised his hand and said he had the version of Michelle Reis. The teacher said yes, you bring it!

The broadcast started in the classroom that day, and everyone was watching and chatting. The teacher was sitting in the last row. It may have been too hard (mock test the day before yesterday, and correcting test papers in the office for the past two days), so he fell asleep! Anyone who has watched Michelle Reis' version of Du Shiniang knows that there are scenes that are not suitable for children. When the indescribable scene appeared, the boy booed and woke up the teacher. The teacher woke up reflexively and said: "Don't talk, just watch carefully and study hard!"

...

Then the whole class burst into laughter!

1. A: Do you have "A Brief History of Time"?

B: Are you sick? I don’t pick up shit when I have time.

2. The fish he raised died and his roommate was very sad. I didn’t like burial, so I had to cremate it, and then it became more and more fragrant as it was roasted. Finally, my roommate bought a bottle of beer.

3. When I was walking on the road after school, I saw an old man carrying a big bag of things, and he looked like he was struggling. I wanted to go up and help him, but I accidentally said: "Old man, let me help you carry it."

4. During the dinner, a drunk girl pointed at the flower pot outside the hotel and muttered: Help me, I want to go into the soil and prepare to bloom.

5. In the past, our dormitory used a hot water heater to boil water. One day, my roommate just plugged in the hot water heater and heard a "bang" sound. The circuit breaker tripped and the dormitory was completely dark. At this time, Came the trembling voice of my roommate: Am I being blown blind?