About the material or story of the composition "Tell the Confusion in My Heart"

I am an only child. As long as I can remember, I feel that my mother loves me very much. She can give up many things for me. Indeed, she loves me deeply. But when I was a child, I was timid and cried when I saw someone holding a medicine bottle. But my mother gave me great spiritual protection. She often says, "Don't be afraid, I have a mother!" " With her, I will feel safe, because my mother can protect me.

It was quite likable when I was a child, because my mother was a teacher, so the kindergarten teachers took good care of me. I am always at art exhibitions, and I seem to like this state of being the "focus". Sometimes, I overhear adults talking about how to be likable, so I work hard in that direction. Once I get praise from others, I feel very happy. Perhaps, from then on, my vanity began to swell. I went to primary school. Because my mother was a teacher, I was once very ostentatious and even formed a small group, headed by me. However, in retrospect, I was actually very empty at that time, and I was actually worried about the feeling of being rejected. I didn't like reading very much in the first and second grades of primary school, so my grades were not ideal. However, I like fantasy very much and always think about what I will be like one day. Although that fantasy is really wild, I still feel it. I feel very happy. Sometimes when I play house games alone, I will enjoy it by fantasy. At that time, I began to love reading, because my cleverness attracted the attention of teachers and classmates and added code to my vanity. I began to study hard and try to get good grades in every exam. My mother was very strict with me at that time, and always sounded the alarm for me because I was excellent in my studies. I also won the respect of my classmates and the love of my teachers, which inspired my fighting spirit. My academic performance must be the best among my peers. I worked hard and I really succeeded. My idea at that time was very simple. I can give up everything in order to study. In order to win the first place, I will do my best. When I was in the third grade, my grades were always in the top two in my grade, and sometimes I was the first. But I don't think people like me should be left behind. Through my efforts, my grades have caught up again. In order to register, I enrolled in a very popular and sought after middle school.

My mother is a teacher in a technical secondary school, so my mother and my teacher are colleagues. However, there are also disadvantages. My usual every move will be paid attention to by my teacher, and then I will tell my mother about my little situation. Besides, my mother is very strict with me and always asks me to learn this and that. When I really don't want to study, my mother will push me. I started to resist. At that time, my mother said that she had never seen a rebellious child like me. So you can imagine how rebellious I was. In this case, I feel very free and deeply depressed at the same time, and then my inferiority complex deepens.

After taking part in the work, I have a good work unit. I feel much more free without the limitation of my mother's vision. At work, I am handy, and among several people assigned at the same time, my business level should be considered better.

I was very happy in the first two years of my work, because I felt that I had found the state of "concentration" again. Emotionally, I met a boy I like. I admired him at that time, and he was very kind to me. I felt that I was happy at that time, and I should be happy, because I felt that I was extraordinary. However, two months later, the boy began to alienate me, and I felt very painful. I don't know what happened. Later I learned that he was in love with someone else. I couldn't believe the fact. I asked myself a thousand times in my mind: Why? How come... How can I lose to others emotionally? Is it true?/You don't say. I couldn't believe the fact at one time. After a while, I felt a headache and my thoughts were a little confused. I didn't pay attention to this at first, but I was really depressed. Later, I myself felt unhappy for a long time, and my thinking seemed to be not agile enough. I started to panic, but I didn't know anything at that time, so I wrote the words "I found that my brain seems to be a little broken" in my diary. After that, I began to pay attention to my thinking and emotional tendencies, but I found that no matter what I thought, I couldn't get rid of it. For a while, I tried my best to keep a dialogue with my colleagues. I hope I can stop thinking about my bad mood and poor thinking during the conversation, or I hope I can find the spark of thinking collision in the communication with my colleagues and then make myself happier. Sure enough, once, in the process of trying to joke with my colleagues, I found myself suddenly in a good mood and open-minded. I'm so excited that I'm relieved that I'm fine. But after a while, I was on a business trip, only to find that when communicating with others, my heart was unnatural, and I subjectively wanted to avoid communicating with them, or I was pessimistic. At that time, I hated this state of myself, because before that, I belonged to a person who was eloquent and tried to overwhelm others in language, and I was proud of it and proud of my eloquence. However, I can't seem to get rid of this state. I try to adapt myself to the environment and others, and try and exercise myself in this respect, but I find that I can't control myself. But I want to solve it by myself, because I think I can. However, I found that the more I pay attention to it, the more I can't do it. There's nothing I can do, nothing I can do. Later, I don't know why, but I feel that my mood has turned around inexplicably. Now that I think about it, I don't know what the reason is, but I think my attention has shifted. Later, because I had to transfer my work unit at that time, I had to face the exam. But when I thought of my poor thinking and bad mood, I was afraid for a while. I was afraid that my exam would be in this state, wouldn't it be over? However, the more I think about it, the more worried I feel, and the more depressed I feel. The more depressed I am, the more I feel that my thinking is not working. The more you experience this feeling, the more you find yourself in a bad state. At this point, I feel as if I can't control my thoughts and emotions freely. At this time, I am very worried about whether I have depression. Because I have read reports related to depression, I began to consult a large number of medical magazines to understand the condition and treatment of depression. The more I look at it, the more I feel like depression: depression, depression and slow thinking, but the improvement does not affect the function of the brain. I told my parents about my situation and my worries in this respect, but my parents didn't believe me, only that I was imagining things. Later, I transferred from my old unit to a new one. When I go to get the notice of transfer, I don't want to see the person with this notice of transfer. I was upset at the thought of seeing her again, and then I began to worry about whether I would show her jokes if I was in a bad state and had poor thinking. However, the more worried I became, the more worried I became, and the situation came as scheduled. When I arrived at the new unit, for a period of time, my thinking was broken every ten days, so I wouldn't worry too much about myself within ten days. On the tenth day, I would have a hunch that I might be wrong, and then I was really wrong. And every time my mind turns to normal, it is also an unconscious distraction. Later, the experience was basically summarized. For example, I was riding a bike when a car passed by. I was shocked. At this time, my mind returned to normal. Playing chess with my father, I suddenly focused on a piece. As soon as my mind turned, I turned my attention to other things and my thinking was normal. However, I think I must point out a few things here. One thing is that the local doctor gave me a prescription from celeste. Who knows what disease he diagnosed me at that time? Anyway, he prescribed some conventional drugs, but I was superstitious about my depression and believed in this medicine. After taking this medicine, I feel at ease with myself. I remember it was 1999, and the medicine I took was naturally produced on 1999. But I feel that drugs can't control my thinking, so I suspect that there is something wrong with drugs. After carefully examining the drugs, I finally found a situation. I felt that the prescription of drugs produced in 2000 must be wrong, so I rushed to the hospital to mix the drugs in 1999 until I found out all the drugs produced in 1999. Once I eat it, I feel very good again. At this time, in order to take the medicine in 2000, I took the medicine in 2000 halfway and felt uncomfortable again. I was scared to death. The next day, I took 99% medicine and felt better again. Looking back on this matter now, it seems to others that it is purely a joke.

Another time, I was superstitious about taking ritalin, a stimulant (a drug for treating ADHD in children). I intuitively think that my brain must be excited and my thinking must be normal after eating stimulants.

. Therefore, the fruit brain is thinking normally. But not for a few days. Another time, when I was in a bad state, I felt that my brain was very disobedient. Suddenly I saw that my brain was relaxed at home, and I felt relaxed after eating my brain, and my brain thinking would definitely turn to normal. Under this psychological suggestion, the two brains easily enter the throat and immediately feel normal. However, this will not last for a few days. Later, I would feel that my behavior and thoughts at that time were ridiculous, but at that time I could really divert my attention.

However, such various methods of diverting attention can only be used once, because the first time is unconscious, natural and heartfelt. And if you deliberately seek this way to make a second transfer, it will never work again. Because I am very deliberate, very active and far-fetched things often have no effect.

On another occasion, I went to the local psychological consultation office for treatment, and the doctor gave me a psychological test. At that time, I always suspected that I was depressed, but I mistakenly thought that such a disease must be due to the lack of certain ingredients in my brain. But after the test report came out, the doctor said I was suggestive obsessive-compulsive, and then he listed the symptoms related to it. At that time, I felt that what he said was the same as mine. This is also called obsessive-compulsive personality, which has nothing to do with any illness. At most, it is a bad personality. I was relieved at that time. Fortunately, I'm not sick. On the way home, I told my father that I was not sick. Under this psychological hint, I lived a normal life for nine months. But once, I accidentally thought of the symptoms related to this before. I was worried, but I comforted myself repeatedly. It's okay. Didn't the doctor say that I just have a bad personality? However, I was still worried and comforted myself. In this way, I feel like I'm going to die again. I am very anxious. I'll talk to the doctor right away. The doctor said: Who said you were sick? The doctor didn't say. Your parents didn't say. Your friend didn't say. Only you said you were ill. Hearing this, my heart turned again. Yes, I should be fine. As soon as my mind turned, I returned to normal. Unfortunately, it didn't last long, and soon I fell into it again.

This is repeated over and over again. Until the beginning of July last year, I went to Shanghai Mental Health Center to see Dean Xiao Zeping. In my eyes, Xiao Zeping is an authority in the field of mental health. She simply said: do what you should do, do what you want, you are fine, and you don't have to come to me or take medicine in the future. After listening to her words, my heart relaxed again. This is what authoritative experts say. It looks like I'm really fine. Why should I worry? For the next two months, I relaxed and stopped worrying. Sometimes I get anxious, but I think it's normal. But the good times didn't last long, and soon I was dissatisfied with my work performance, but I couldn't seem to change this state. I am very anxious and worried at this time. As a result, the symptoms began to recur.

Now the situation is still good and bad, and every time it gets better, it depends on the shift of attention. But on purpose, there was no chance. Sometimes you can only do nothing, making it anxious and twisted in your heart, but you can't do anything. Sometimes I think this road can go on.

The above are all descriptions of psychological activities, I hope it will help you!