Looking for bad jokes, really funny ones.

Cold jokes

1. A bear is coming/come prepared (BEAR is coming)

2. The eleventh book/incredible (BOOK11 )

4. Xiaoyu said to Xiaoming that her father is impotent/can’t stop (Yu’s father can’t)

5. The sheep stopped breathing/became proud (the sheep didn’t exhale)

< p>6. Don’t drop your cell phone in the toilet/Don’t lose the opportunity (wet)

7. The dog will stop barking after crossing the single-plank bridge/Have a photographic memory (don’t bark when you cross a tree)

< p>8. The bee stopped on the calendar/The wind is harmonious and the sun is beautiful (Bee He Calendar)

10. The painter likes to draw thick ropes but does not like to draw thin ropes/Perfect (thick ropes enter the painting)

13. There are ten sheep, nine squatting in the sheep pen, and one squatting in the pig pen/cadence (one sheep squats wrong)

14. The sheep called the eagle, and the eagle picked up The phone says "Hello"/Yang Feng Yin Biao (Sheep PHONE Eagle "Hello")

15. If the hat is dirty, turn it over before wearing it/Put it on with the crown and Li wearing it (wear it with the dirty crown inside)

16. A man watches five women taking a bath/colorful

17. Whose house doesn’t have a phone? /天衣(天衣综合phone)

18. Who knows the birds best? /Frightened Bird (Frightened Bird) Zhiniao

22. How to make a sparrow quiet? /Squeeze it (squeeze the bird silently)

23. Which kind of snake has many mouths? / Chatterbox (snake)

25. What medicine is not poisonous? /Yam

26. Why is "seven up and eight down"/seven above eight? Because eight is under seven

27. Which kind of snake has the strongest vitality? /The Immortal Tongue (Snake)

28. Why is there only the tip of the iceberg? /The other corner was broken by the Titanic

1. The little penguin asked his grandma one day, "Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin. "The little penguin asked his father again, "Dad, daddy, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong?" "But, why do I feel so cold?"

< p>2. There was a polar bear who had to wear sunglasses to see because the snow was too harsh, but he couldn’t find the sunglasses, so he closed his eyes and crawled around on the ground to look for it, crawling and crawling, using his hands and feet. I was crawling all dirty before I found my sunglasses. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror, and then I realized: Oh, it turns out I am a panda

3. Xiaobai, Xiaohuang and Xiaolan take a long-distance bus, who will get motion sickness? (Xiaobai) Rabbit, dusk)

4. Little White + Little White =? Answer: Little White Rabbit (Little White TWO)

5. Which animal is most likely to fall? The fox, because he is the cunningest

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly rejected it. Spider asked: Why? why is that! Butterfly said: My mother said that those who hang out online all day long are not good people.

7. One day Xiaoqiang asked his father: Dad, am I a stupid boy? Dad said: Silly boy, how can you be a stupid boy?

8. One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will Get what you want. So the three of them decided to give it a try.

The first one was a pervert, so he shouted "Woman! Woman!" When he jumped down, there were a lot of beauties waiting for him.

The second one One was a bookworm, shouting "Books, books, books, books!" Then he jumped into the valley and got a pit full of books.

The third one was an indecisive person, always unable to think about things. After an hour of deciding on his favorite, he finally made up his mind and felt that banknotes were the most useful, so he walked towards the edge of the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and cursed "shit!" Unexpectedly, there was a sudden change in the center. Unsteady and falling down the valley

9. As for Xiao Ming, he has to take the exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV at night

Xiao Ming’s mother asked worriedly: Have you finished reading all the books? There is an exam tomorrow

Xiao Ming replied readily: Mom, I’ve finished reading.

Xiao Ming’s mother happily praised Xiao Ming: Good boy, you will definitely do well in the exam tomorrow

Xiao Ming cried and said: Mom, I mean, ‘Mom, I see , finished'.

10. The panda loved the deer deeply, but was rejected when he expressed his love. Panda roars ~ Why? Why is all this happening? Xiaolu said timidly: My mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad boys.

11. One day Xiao Ming was walking on the road! As I was walking, I suddenly felt my feet were sore! Why is this happening? Because Xiao Ming stepped on a lemon!

12.Which Chinese character is the coolest? Thongs (cool).

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student, there are ten birds in the tree, if one is shot and killed, how many are left?

The student asked: Is it a silent pistol? Wasn't the gunshot loud? 80-100 decibels. Is it illegal to hunt birds in this city? Don't commit. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Sure. At this time, the teacher was already impatient: "Just tell me how many birds are left, okay? Are there any deaf birds in the tree? No. Are there any that are locked in a cage and hung on the tree? No." Are there other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the trees? If a bird is pregnant, does it count as a baby in the belly? Are there any flowers in the bird's eyes? Ten. The teacher was already sweating, and the bell rang, but the student continued to ask: Are there any birds that are so stupid that they are afraid of death? Will the student be confident? Say: If your answer is not deceptive, "If the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and does not fall off, then there is only one bird left; if it falls off, there is no bird left." "The teacher immediately foamed at the mouth and fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone was passing by the intersection and discovered a super scary thing. He found that Sesshomaru and Sanzo were actually laughing!`

< p>15. A long time ago, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Hahaha, a female ghost farted and died.

16. There was a fat man who jumped from a tall building. Turned into a dead fat man.

17. There was a man who was crossing the road and was accidentally crushed by a truck. When he was dying, he looked at his body and said, "So I am." The ones filled with bean paste, not meat."

18. The little snake asked the big snake in a panic..."Brother, are we poisonous? The big snake said: "Why do you ask?" "The little snake said: "I accidentally bit my tongue just now."

19. Two people fell into the trap. The dead ones are called dead people. What are the living people called? Call for help. < /p>

20. There once was a swordsman. He was very cold, his heart was very cold, his sword was very cold, and finally he died of coldness

21. A deer ran on the road, running faster and faster, It turned into a highway

22. There was a tomato that was hit by a stone and smashed, another tomato fell and smashed again, and there was another tomato that dropped to pieces countless times. One tomato was smashed and the last one was also smashed! Ketchup!

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a landmine during combat? The company commander was very angry: Damn, yes. What should I do? I’ll pay the price if I step on it.

24. I haven’t heard from you for a long time, and I feel very sad. I have cut my veins with potato chips, hit my head with tofu, and jumped with a parachute. Crossing the building; hanging myself with noodles, but you can't die, so just treat me to a meal and let me die.

25. The elephant pooped in the middle of the road, and an ant happened to be there. Passing by, it looked up at the mist-shrouded peak and couldn't help but sing: Yalasuo, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. When I was playing a trumpet next to the railway but didn't bring any paper, Don't worry, the train will remind you: wipe your pants, wipe your pants, wipe your pants! When you go to the river but don't have any paper, don't worry, the frog will tell you: stick scratch, stick scratch, stick stick scratch!

27. Two counterfeiters accidentally made fake banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan. They decided to spend them in a remote mountainous area. When they took a 15 yuan bill and bought 1 yuan of candied haws, they After crying, the farmer found them two pieces worth 7 yuan each.

28. Portrait of your life: When you are ten years old, you learn to take a bath by yourself, and you are clean; when you are twenty, you are shining brightly, and you are prosperous; when you are thirty, you find a job, and you are successful; when you are forty, you hire a servant, Pigs get servants; when they learn to play basketball at the age of fifty, pigs shoot!

29. A person climbed the wall and left the school. He was caught by the principal. The principal asked: Why don't you leave through the school gate? The answer is: Metersbonwe does not take the usual path. The principal asked again: How can you climb over such a high wall? He pointed to his pants and said: Li Ning, everything is possible.

The principal asked again: What does it feel like to climb over the wall? He pointed to the shoes and said: Xtep, it feels like flying. On the second day, he entered the school through the main entrance. The principal asked: Why didn't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a gangster costume, and the principal said: You can't wear a gangster costume! He said: You are what you wear, Semir clothing. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school. The principal said he could not wear a vest to school. He said, men, keep things simple and love Dengbao clothing. The principal said I'm going to give you a serious offense. He said: Why? The principal said, M-Zone, I have the final say on my territory.

Life at 30 is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4,000 yuan from me and said he wanted to have plastic surgery.

As a result, I don’t know him at all now. What has it become? Oh, 4,000 yuan.

31. Note to robbers: Our bank staff only understand Spanish. Please be patient when robbing. It is best to bring a translator with you. Thank you!

32. You are blind. Blinded? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw a stone at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight. The last time I donated blood, a hundred milliliters of lard actually leaked out.

34. Tourist: Master, is that thatched house over there a toilet? Monk: Except for the thatched cottage, the rest of the place is a toilet.

35. The hair is gone and the dandruff is even better!

36. We should keep quiet when listening to sermons in church. It is very impolite to disturb others' sleep.

37. Yesterday I signed up for a weight loss training class. They asked me to wear loose clothes during training. Is this unreasonable? If there are loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

38. My wife and I haven’t spoken for 18 months, and I have no chance to interrupt her.

39. Thief A: Count how much money you robbed today? Thief B: No, you will know after reading the newspaper tomorrow.

40. The higher you stand, the farther you pee.

41. Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

42. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them find it.

43. Late one night, a young woman was passing by a mental hospital when suddenly a "wow" sound came from behind. The woman turned around and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman was so frightened that she ran away, followed by the man behind her. No, there is a dead end ahead. The woman is desperate. She knelt on the ground and cried and begged: "You can do whatever you want. I just ask you not to kill me." The man smiled slyly and said, "Really? Now you Start chasing me."

44. At a literary evening, the host came on stage to announce: Please enjoy: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

45. If a tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

46. A person in our dormitory had to pee after drinking too much and then made a cold remark: If you drink too much pee, you will have too much wine.

47. My sister and I went to Li Ning to buy shoes. My sister said, "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound?"

51. In the past, people came to my aunt's house as a guest. Just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

52. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about an issue, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. He slapped the table and stood up shouting: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid! I spit on your face like shit

53. When I was young, the popsicle and ice cream sellers usually pushed bicycles to sell ice cream. Once, I heard an aunt in the house shouting: New ice cream, hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)

54. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, "Do you think I grew up eating?" I always wondered what he ate to grow. Big ones.

"

55. Once at a ktv, when I asked for a song, I shouted loudly: Order me a song called "Double Jay Chou" by Zhou Jiegun

1. I was not honest when I was a child. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me: It has been hard for sixty years, there is no food to eat, and the nose excrement picked out is never thrown away

2. There was a rich man looking for a servant, and the interview question was When he went to the toilet, the first few came out without washing their hands, so the rich man sent them away. Only one of them washed his hands, so the rich man kept him. But one day, the rich man found that he came out without washing his hands. The rich man asked him why. The servant replied: "I brought toilet paper today..."

3. A man saw a sale in a store and walked in. "What do you want to buy? "I want to buy dog ??food." “We have a rule that you have to prove you have a dog. "Where is such a provision?" “That’s what it’s like with sale items. "The man spent a long time with the salesperson, but the salesperson still refused to sell it to him. There was nothing he could do. The man had to go home and bring the dog with him, and then he bought the dog food. A few days later, the man went to the store to buy cat food again and said, "Give it to me. Two boxes of cat food. “We have a rule that you have to prove you have a cat. "It was the same salesperson, and the man spent another long time with her, but in the end he had to go home and bring the cat with him before buying cat food. A few days later, the man came to the store carrying a large cardboard box with a hole dug out. Go to the salesperson and ask, "What do you want to buy?" “You’ll know it when you put your hand in it. The salesperson put his hand in and said, "What is it? It's sticky." "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper." ”

4. A man took his friend to visit his grandma. While he was talking to his grandma, his friend started eating peanuts on the coffee table and finished them all when they left. At that time, his friend said to grandma: "Thank you for the peanuts" and grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Since I lost all my teeth, I can only suck off the outer chocolate layer of them. Old, cough." . .

5. Someone liked the dish "Spicy Vermicelli Pot". Once, he ordered this dish again, but the waiter told him that it was sold out. " Is it really sold out?" he asked disappointedly. "Sir, it is really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. "The waiter replied. The man followed the waiter's instructions and saw a very respectable gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman had almost eaten his meal, but the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" was still full. The man He felt that the gentleman was wasting delicious food, so he walked up to the gentleman, pointed at the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" and asked politely: "Sir, do you want more of this?" "The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he was halfway through the meal. Suddenly he found a very small but full-furred one lying at the bottom of the casserole. The little mouse felt disgusted and vomited all the vermicelli he had eaten back into the casserole. When he was turning his stomach, the gentleman looked at him with sympathy and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" It's the same..."

6. On this day, the hotel owner was patrolling the lobby. A beggar came up and said, "Can I give you a toothpick, boss?" "The boss sent him away. After a while, another beggar came and asked for toothpicks. The boss thought to himself, why did the beggar ask for toothpicks instead of rice? He also sent him away, not too old, and again A beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to ask for toothpicks too?" The beggar said: "Someone vomited, but I was a step too late. The two beggars in front had already eaten everything I could eat. Now only the soup is left." Can you give me a straw?

7. The eldest and second child were on a plane. The second child got airsick and kept vomiting. One bag was full, so the boss had to go get it. When he came back, he found that everyone on the plane was vomiting. The eldest son asked the reason and the second eldest son said: "I saw that this bag was also full of vomiting, so I had to drink half of the bag, and they all vomited."

One day, the eldest and the second oldest brother vomited. I went to the theater to watch a play again, and saw the two of them arguing about the development of the plot, and they made a bet about it. The boss pointed to the row of spittoons in front and said, "The loser has to take a sip of what's there." Unfortunately, the boss lost, so he frowned and took a sip. The two continued to bet on the following plot. This time, the second child lost. The second child picked up a spittoon and drank fifteen gulps in a row.

The boss was shocked and looked down in admiration. He said to the second brother, "You are so amazing. You can drink fifteen gulps in a row!" The second boss shook his head. "It's not that I want to drink. The phlegm in the spittoon is too thick. I really don't want it." Keep biting!"

I have a friend named Xiaocai. One day he was taken away

Gu Shi actually predicted the top four super girls last year

(Yu) The rain knocks the dream into pieces and sighs in wasted time

(Spring) When spring comes, the flowers bloom and fall

(Yes) It is still unknown whether it is a dream or waking up

(1) Smiling and sighing for a hundred years

(Prit) I have been tired of state affairs all my life

(Chang) Drinking to dissolve the heartbreak

(Pt) The emperor does not anger others. Afraid

(2) Why do you need to be so humble

(Beautiful) The cool breeze is not intoxicating and makes people drunk

(Ying) No one in the shadow doubts himself< /p>

(Should) It should be a good time

(3) Three questions to the sky if he is coming back

(Why) Why bother before the old god has mourned

< p>(Jie) It’s all about lovesickness

(No. 3) I laugh at myself

(IV) As if lingering in the clouds

A priest While playing golf, a nun was watching. The first shot was missed. The priest cursed: "TMD, you missed the shot!" He hit again, and the priest cursed again: "TMD, you missed the shot again!" The nun said: " God will punish you for swearing as a priest." As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, God's voice came from the sky: "TMD, I missed the shot too!"

The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would be able to return to heaven. To win the World Cup, God said: South Korea will need 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. God said again: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I can’t see him anymore. The Chinese coach quickly asked: Where are we? God cried loudly: I can’t see him anymore.

One day Ami went to see King Yama for trial (he was the third in the list)

(King Yama asked the first one first)

Yan: What have you done in your life? What's the matter?

Person 1: Killing

Yan: Give you a black key and go to hell!

(King Yama asked the second person) < /p>

Yan: What have you done in your life?

Person 2: Save people

Yan: Give you a white key and go to heaven!

(King Yama asked Ami)

Yan: What have you done in your life?

A: What men love

Yan: Give it to you A pink key!

A: What key is this?

Yan: Well...how should I say it?

1. Three little white rabbits I picked a mushroom

The two older ones asked the younger one to get some wild vegetables to eat together

The younger one said I won’t go and I left, so you ate my mushrooms< /p>

The two big ones said no, don’t worry, so the little white rabbit went~~~

Half a year passed, the little white rabbit still hasn’t come back. The big one said it won’t come back. Come to my door and eat it

The other big one said wait a little longer~~~

A year has passed and the little white rabbit hasn’t come back yet. The two big ones discussed that there is no need to wait for us. Eat it

At this moment, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the jungle next to it and said angrily: Look! I knew you were going to eat my mushrooms

2. A lot When things are cooked, they will have various aromas... So cooking?#123; has always been very particular.

But... On the contrary... There is something; take it It will be more fragrant if frozen. What is it?

Electricity. Because... Refrigerator->Electricity-Ice-(Fragrance)......

< p>3. Cars can fly. Please guess a drink...coffee...

Because...(Car)-(fly)

4. We say A bear without a tail is called a koala, so what do we call a bear without a penis?

The answer is a female bear, because a female bear does not have a penis to begin with

5. Once upon a time, there was a steamed bun~ After eating a meatball, it turned into a steamed bun~

6. Once upon a time, there was a 5-rare steak and a 7-rare steak. Why didn’t they say hello when they met on the street? ?

Because: They are not familiar with each other...

7.Q: One day, the bird flew from Kaohsiung to Taipei for an hour. But it took 2 hours to get back! WHY?

Because it was raining! So you have to cover the rain with one hand and fly with the other.

8. Q: Which chicken is the fastest in the world? What kind of chicken is slow?

A: KFC Chicken Nuggets (fast)

Nicole Kidman (slow)

9. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl Said: "Why does the plane fly so high without hitting the stars?"

The little girl replied: "I know, because the stars will 'flicker'!"

10 .Excuse me: Who gave me Wangqing Shui?

Answer: Aha~~~

Reason: “Aha, give me a glass of love-free water~~~~”

11.Q: What animal Most likely to be posted on the wall?

A: Poster Leopard

12.Q: Who will help you refill your meal when you are full?

A: The flying dragon, because the flying dragon is added to the (sky)

13. Which one is dumb: the stars, the moon, or the sun?

The stars, because: there is a sentence in Lu Binghua's song " The stars in the sky don’t speak

14. What’s the last name of the pencil?

Xiao, because: sharpen (Xiao) pencil

15. Which cartoon character is always in the dark?

Tinker Bell (Doraemon) because he couldn’t see his hands

16. 4 people were playing mahjong in the house. Why did the police take away 5 people?

Because the person they are playing is called "Mahjong"

17. Xiao Ming: "Do you know the name of Muhammad Ali's father? Ruobing: "I don't know." Xiao Ming: "Idiot!" Of course it’s called Alibaba. ”

18. Ming: “Do you know what mosquitoes don’t bite? Ruobing: "I don't know." Xiao Ming: "Of course it's jelly, jelly pudding!" Ha ha ! "

19.4. The mother of (birth) is called Huami! What is the name of the mother of (flower) - Miaobi, because (Miaobi gives birth to flowers)

20. Let me tell you something Touching story

Get out of here! Story of chasing people away

21. There is a family... The whole family is very lazy...

Dad told mom to do it If mom doesn't want to do it, she asks her elder sister to do it. If her elder sister doesn't want to do it, she asks her younger sister to do it...

But my younger sister doesn't want to do it either, so she asks the puppy to do it...

One day A guest came to the house...and found the puppy doing housework...

I was surprised..I asked the puppy: "Puppy...can you do housework...?!"

The puppy said: "There is no way...they don't do it, so they ask me to do it..."

The guest was even more surprised...: "You can talk...!!!" !"

Puppy: "Shh! Keep your voice down...otherwise they know I can talk...and they will ask me to answer the phone...!!"

22. Fox Why do we often fall? !

Because foxes are very cunning (slippery feet)

23. A psychology professor said to the host of the meeting: "If you want the women in the meeting to quiet down all of a sudden, just Ask them a question: 'Ladies, who is the oldest among you? ' and the room becomes silent." 24. Woman: "I married the devil. It’s better than marrying you.”

Male: “This is impossible because marriage between close relatives is prohibited.

”

25. Lele ran to the zoo one day to feed the monkeys...throwing peanuts to the monkeys...but there was a monkey who would stuff peanuts into his butt every time...and then take them out to eat...Lele felt I was so disgusted that I ran to ask the director...why did the monkey behave in such a strange way...The director explained: Because

Last year a man threw a big peach to him...but it turned out that The big peach's penis can't be discharged smoothly from the butt... He was killed miserably... So now he must put the food into his butt and measure it to make sure it can be pulled out before he dares to eat...

26. Demon King: "Princess, if you scream, no one will come to save you! "

Princess: "Broken throat! "

No one: "Princess! I'm here to save you! "

Devil: "Damn it..."

Ghost: "Who discovered me? "

Who: "What does it have to do with me? ”

The devil is dead!!

27. Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat

One day

The white cat It fell into the water

The black cat rescued it

The white cat said something to the black cat

``Q: This sentence What is

............"Meow"

28. It is said that on a dark and windy night , on the longest... scariest road...

The taxi driver drove past there...

There was a woman waving at the roadside to get in the taxi... Hmm ...The whole journey...it was quite quiet...

Until the woman spoke...

She said: "I'll give you an apple...it's delicious... "The driver thought it was great... so he took it...

Then he took a bite... The woman asked: "Is it delicious?

The driver said: "It's delicious!" "The woman replied again: "I also liked eating apples when I was alive..."

Wow...&*$#@...When the driver heard this, he was so frightened that he braked suddenly and turned pale. ...

The woman slowly tilted her head forward and said to the driver...

Want to know what she said? …………………………………………

“But I didn’t like eating it after giving birth to my child

29. Book Eleven Unbelievable (book11)

30. A person was painted gold and became a blockbuster (a golden man)

The eldest and the second went to the theater to watch a play, and saw the two of them falling in love with each other for the development of the plot. Arguments arose and bets were made about them.

The boss pointed to the row of spittoons in front and said: "The loser has to take a sip of what's there."

Unfortunately, the boss lost, so he frowned and drank. Take a bite.

The two then bet on the following plot, and this time, the second child lost.

The second child picked up a spittoon and drank fifteen big gulps.

The boss was shocked, fell to the ground in admiration, and said to the second child, "You are so amazing, you can actually drink fifteen gulps in a row!" The second child shook his head, "I don't want to drink, the spittoon is The phlegm is so thick that I can’t stop biting it!