Want to joke! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 1 1

Professor Bravin is busy writing an academic report.

"Honey," he said to his wife, "where did I put my pencil?"

"Isn't it clipped to the ear?" The wife replied.

"Can't you see I'm so busy? Can't you be more specific? Which ear is the pencil in? " professor

A little angry.

* Husband is single *

"Nice to meet you," the professor casually said to an acquaintance. "How is your husband?"

"But I'm not married ..."

"Oh, really? That means your husband is still single. "

* To live longer.

The student asked the white-haired dean if he had read Tolstoy's War and Peace from beginning to end. teach

The professor thought for a moment before answering, "Everyone should read an immortal masterpiece like War and Peace before he dies."

It's done. In order to live longer, I haven't started reading. "

* Professor of Medicine

When the medical professor died, he said to the doctors around him, "I will leave you the names of three great doctors."

The doctors present all hope that these three people can have themselves.

The famous professor went on to say, "These three great doctors are water, exercise and a normal diet."

* The distance between comedy and tragedy

In our university, the psychological building and the music building are very close. If you don't close the window, it will be difficult for teachers of psychology department to study.

Listen to the lecture carefully.

This warm spring is an example. In the music building, a girl is practicing her voice, ranging from screaming to spelling.

A howl of life. Our professor is explaining emotions to us. He said, "The distance between comedy and tragedy is often very small."

Yes "

A serious student asked, "What's the distance, sir?" "About 50 feet." Our professor.

Answer and nod to the building next door.

* Lies

The psychology professor said to the students in class, "Today I will tell you what lies are." . in this regard

I made a detailed introduction to this problem in one of my academic works, On Lies. Have any of you read my book?

Raise your hands, please. "

All the students raised their hands.

"Good," the professor continued. "We all have our own understanding of what lies are. Because mine

This book has not been published yet. "

* Professor of Philosophy

A philosophy professor at Oxford University is telling senior students, "No matter what you think, smart people will reconsider."

Third, only fools jump to conclusions. "

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure it is." The professor answered affirmatively.

* Professor of Mathematics

A math professor was knocked down by a speeding car on the road, and the driver left without stopping. Dangjiao

When the police came to ask about the license plate number of the car, the professor thought for a moment and said, "The moment I was knocked down, I only

See an equation on the car: xy MINUS 5 17, and the final difference is 24 ... "

* Professor of Vocal Music

Outside the examination room of the Conservatory of Music, an unsuccessful girl stopped the examiner and asked, "Professor, don't you believe me?"

Will singing be a blockbuster one day? "

"Of course, miss, when you are afraid or attacked."

:: Professor of Psychiatry

The professor of psychiatry visited the psychiatric hospital and asked the attending doctor how to determine whether the patient was cured.

All right.

"We fill the bathtub with water, put a teaspoon beside the pool, and then let the patient drain. If the patient has a spoon, try your best.

Going to the ground to complete this task means that he has not been cured. If you unplug the bathtub, you will be a healthy person. "

The professor shouted, "Why didn't I have such an idea in my mind?" I want a long-handled spoon. "

* Professor of Astronomy

Glen Smith asked Professor Peter, an astronomy teacher, what kind of place heaven is. The professor replied, "I finished."

Students study the mysteries of the universe and existence. I hope the kingdom of heaven is a place where I can be asked questions instead of being asked questions.

"What is the answer to this question?" "

* Impact of modification *

John is a teacher who teaches writing. He found it difficult to convince students of the necessity of revising the article. For them, grass

This draft is the final draft. Finally, John put up a big slogan on the office door, which made many students get into the habit of repairing.

Change the habit of writing The slogan reads:

"Oh, it's hard, you know. I can't decide whether to commit suicide, you know. "

Shakespeare's draft of Hamlet, Scene 3, Act 1.

"To be or not to be, that is a question." Finalize.

* child prodigy *

A proud woman said to the teacher, "in my opinion, my child is really a child prodigy." He has many unique ideas.

Right? "

"That's right, madam," the teacher replied, "especially when memorizing new words."

* Resentment *

In a university in the southern suburbs of the United States, a sophomore wrote an evaluation assignment on Shakespeare's creation.

As ",got" excellent ". But the teacher who checked his homework invited the college student to talk.

"Dear," the teacher began, "you may not know that I graduated from this university, and now I live with you.

In my dormitory. Moreover, we still keep the exam assignments of former college students so that we can review them when necessary.

Take a look, you are the same now. It should be said that you are very lucky: you copied the copy I used to write word for word.

About Shakespeare's homework. Of course, what surprises you now is why I gave you an' excellent'. My friend, because

Because our conservative literature teacher only gave me a "pass" at that time, and I always felt that I should get an "excellent". "

* History teacher *

The father and the teacher talked about their son: "Please tell me, how is my son's history?" When I was a student,

Wait, I don't like this course. I always fail the exam. "

The history teacher replied, "History will repeat itself."

* What do you do most of the time *

Students especially like music history class because the music teacher is very humorous. He did this in an exam.

A topic: "Bach has 20 children; He spent most of his life on xx. "

Some students naughty answer "in bed". Some students are more serious and answer "in Germany". Others realize this.

For "composing music" But no one answered correctly. The students asked the teacher what the correct answer was. He smiled and said, "I'm paying my debts."

* Sirens

A girl who wants to be a singer has just finished a class. She asked the music teacher, "In your opinion, my voice."

Will Yin achieve anything in the future? "Oh, well," the music teacher replied, "speaking of fire alarm, your voice is OK.

Come in handy. "

* Literature teacher *

Our English literature teacher is very strict with us, but what we are most afraid of is the way he distributes test papers. Tafa

The way of examination papers varies according to the level of examination results.

He held the test paper with the highest score above his head and distributed it to the students. Secondly, put it on the table for students to pick up; once again

Just put it on your knee and let the students pick it up; Once again, put it on the floor for the students to retrieve. The final exam papers are distributed like this.

After that, three candidates still didn't get the papers, so they asked the teacher where their papers were.

The teacher replied, "Come back to the classroom in the middle of the night, and I'll dig a hole and bury the paper under the platform."

* misprint of component symbols.

The injured chemistry teacher Hansen was taken to the hospital and turned to safety after being rescued. The nurse took him to the ward and settled him down.

"Is it a car accident?" The patient asked with concern.

"No, alas! It's all because the element symbols in the chemistry textbook are printed wrong. "

* Spit it out quickly *

The teacher wrote a chemical molecular formula on the blackboard and then asked the students, "John, what molecule is this?"

Type? "

"This is ... this is ..." John muttered. "In fact, it's on my lips ..."

"Then spit it out, you know it's hydrochloric acid."

* Badger hound *

The student said to the physics teacher, "Sir, I have a question for you: How does the telephone work?"

The teacher said, "It's very simple. When you see the telephone line, you should immediately think of a badger dog with a long tail. you

Kick it in the back and it will scream in front! "

"ah! What about the wireless phone? "

"Same thing-only this badger dog has no tail!"

* To no avail *

A college student: "Where did you do my shirt?"

Roommate: "I sent it to the laundry room."

College student: "My God, what should I do when I get up for the exam?" You know, I wrote down all the main points in the history class.

On the cuff. "

* Treat it scientifically

A philosophy student collided with a young man riding a bicycle. Young people curse, college students laugh. one

Passers-by asked the college students, "Why did you laugh when he scolded you?"

The college student said: "Swearing only conveys anger to the other party." "When he can't reach his goal, he will be more angry.

Yes! "

* Botanical students

When the prison came to the dormitory, it found that briquettes were burning indoors and the windows were not opened. "You are very dangerous! Full of charcoal

Gas, without oxygen, people will faint. "A student smiled and replied," We belong to the botany family, so we spit oxygen and smoke charcoal.

Gas. "

* Different references

Two law school students are arguing about an important question: Can you smoke while studying code? They have their own opinions.

Disagreement, stalemate, and finally go to the rabbi referee.

"Rabbi," a student first asked, "can you smoke while studying the code?"

The rabbi said angrily, "No!"

Another student approached the rabbi and said, "He didn't ask the right question. Rabbi, when people smoke, they can

Research code? "

"Of course!" Rabbis ruled happily.

* Dialogue *

Professor: "A fool's question, 10 smart people can't answer it."

College student: "No wonder I always fail the exam."

* Optimism and pessimism

Professor: "Can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?"

College student: "Yes, sir. Two people * * * drank a bottle of wine in the middle, and the optimist said,' There is still half a bottle, and.

Pessimists say' half a bottle is enough', right? "

:: Disciplinary fines

The associate professor called an international student and said to him, "Listen, Smith, I noticed that you went to the girls' dormitory yesterday.

Area. According to the school regulations: the first discovery will be fined $ 10. You should note that the second discovery will be fined 15 USD.

The third time, a fine of $25. "

"Associate Professor, in order to save your time, you just say a price, and I will pay it once a semester."

* Blind cleaning *

The superior instructed that illiteracy should be completely eliminated in the whole province before May Day, but Ivan arrived in a hurry two days before May Day.

The village Soviet reported that he could not read!

Hearing this, the chairman of the village Soviet jumped up and cursed: "What did you say? *****! Why are you still illiterate? Juana

How comfortable! There are only two days left, you know? "

Ivan explained, "I'm stupid. Not easy to use. "

The chairman said, "What do you want me to do? There are no illiterates now, and you are the only one left. You are sabotaging it.

Not good! Go to the literacy group and beg them. Maybe they can teach you in two days. At least tell you vowels.

Go ahead. "

Ivan said, "I know vowels. Why do you always teach this! I have a headache. "

"What, what? Do you recognize it? Maybe you can write your own name? "

"That's not! Of course the name will be written. "

"Go home! You want to be illiterate, you are too * * *! I think you can still teach! "

* Dreams come true *

College student: "I often dream that I have become a professor." Teacher, what should I do to realize my dream? "

Tutor: "Sleep less."

* unimaginable

Someone wants to send his son to school. The teacher said, "We can take him, but you have to pay 20 francs."

Tuition and miscellaneous fees "

"What, twenty francs? So many! I can buy a donkey with it. " The teacher said, "If you really use 20."

After buying a donkey to keep the children from going to school, there will be two stupid donkeys at home. "

* Graduation examination

The detective school held a graduation exam, and there was a question: "There was a car speeding on the road and didn't turn on the light. suddenly

Suddenly, a drunk in black walked into the middle of the road. There are no street lamps and no moon. Seeing that person is about to become

The car was knocked down, but it stopped suddenly. What is the reason? "

Someone replied, "Because the drunk's eyes are shining."

Some replied, "Because drunkards shout loudly."

"All right. The correct answer is: it was daytime. "

God knows

Tom has a test paper in his hand, but he can't answer it, so he writes on it:

"God knows, I don't know. Merry Christmas to Mr. Wang! "

A few days later, the teacher handed the test paper to Tom, and the comment on the test paper was:

"God 100, you 0, I wish you happiness and progress!"

* Cheat *

"Did you hear that Jim was caught?"

"What's the matter?"

"During the exam, he reached into his clothes and counted his ribs."

"So what?"

"That's an exam in human anatomy."

* Pray

A middle school student is praying: "God bless, make London the capital of Denmark!" " I took the geography exam yesterday.

This is the answer ... "

* All questions.

There is something wrong with the school mimeograph, and the printed paper is often blurred. As a precautionary measure, the teacher went to every class.

Ask, "Is there anything wrong with your test paper?"

A student confused by the examination paper stood up with a puzzled face and asked:

"Teacher, aren't all the questions on the test paper?"

* Great people

Examiner: "Tell me, if Shakespeare were alive today, do you think he would be a great man?"

Things? "

Examinee: "Yes, he will be a great man, because there is no one in the world anyway."

A person who can live over 400 years old. "

* The fall of Jerusalem.

A Jewish college student named Jerusalem (probably a relative of the Vienna philosopher William Jerusalem),

Vlasak, a famous Viennese jurist. Jerusalem was poorly prepared, but Vlasak gave him a headache.

Curious students in Jerusalem are waiting at the entrance of the test center. Finally, Vlasak took the examinee to the door, and he saw one.

People waiting outside shouted, "Weep, Israel, Jerusalem has fallen!" " "

* The difficulty of suicide *

Potkin examined anatomy for a college student for the third time, but the young man still couldn't answer a question. Poter

Kim refused to pass the exam.

After a while, a group of college students came to Potkin and told him that their classmates were in a bad mood because of repeated setbacks in exams.

Extremely sad, he threatened to stab himself in the heart with a knife and end his life.

Potkin comforted everyone and said, "Don't worry, your friend can't find a heart at all."

Fang. "

* Self-awareness *

When the examiner in charge of the interview part of the entrance examination of the College of Education asked a candidate, "Why did you choose the profession of teacher?",

She said: "When I was a child, I decided to be a great man when I grew up. When I was in middle school, I thought it was too difficult to be a great man, so I changed my ambition.

For the wife of a great man. But now, I know that my chances of becoming a great wife are really slim, so I changed my mind and decided.

Be a great teacher. "

As a result, she was admitted.

* Deception.

The law department is taking a defense exam.

The professor asked a student, "Please tell me, what is a scam?"

The student thought for a long time and then said, "Sir, if you fail me in this exam, it's called a scam."

"Why?"

"According to the code, a scam is to use the ignorance of the other party in some aspects and in some cases to make the other party suffer a certain process.

Loss of a degree. "

* Geography exam

Mom: "How did you do in your geography exam? Tell me! " "

Son: "Where is America?" . Think about it, everyone can't be Columbus! "

* One point

"Why did you only get one point in the math exam?" Father thundered.

"Probably, there are not many points in the teacher's hand." The son replied.

* to blame.

Uncle: "How was Big's history exam this time?"

Mother: "It's a pity that the result is not ideal." But I can't blame him. The questions are all about the birth of the poor child.

Before. "

* With an axe in his hand *

In the moral class, the teacher said, "When I was a child, President Washington once cut down his father's cherry tree because of him."

His father bravely admitted his mistake and didn't punish him. Then the teacher asked the students, "Why didn't Washington get punished?

Who can answer that? "

A student stood up and replied, "Because Washington has an axe in his hand."

* An honest answer

"Willie, what is a synonym?" The female teacher asked.

Willie replied, "A synonym is a word that you replace when you don't know the exact spelling of a basic word."

* Grammar knowledge *

Grammar teacher: "Johnny' I love, you love, he loves'. What does this mean? "

A student replied, "I think that in this case, one person will always be killed."

* Books are the best friends

The Chinese teacher asked, "Why are storytellers our best friends?"

"When we are bored and bored with it, we can put it aside, no matter how long it lasts.

Won't get angry. "

Student: "Another ant."