Why do lovers torture each other?

Why do people you love drive you crazy the most? Psychologists will come together for you.

Two people meet, fall in love, enter the marriage hall and respect each other for life. There are such lucky people in the world, but not everyone among the 7 billion people living on the earth.

Whether men or women, they often describe their partners as "the love of my life", but at the same time they may be "the most annoying people in the world", which is indeed a puzzling paradox. Let's take a look at the following example, which will be repeated in many dinner occasions.

Four couples are sitting around the dining table. After three glasses of wine, one of the men began to tell jokes:

"Words, three ropes to the bar to drink. The first rope said to the bartender, "I want a glass of Tom Collins." "The man's wife interrupted him. "Please don't tell that joke again."

He stared at her. "But they haven't heard of it."

She hung her head. "I have heard it a thousand times."

"But it's interesting."

"That's your idea."

The story takes a turn here. The man can insist on telling this joke, but it will annoy his wife or stop telling jokes, but it makes him very angry. It is not hard to imagine that when they go home, they will have this conversation:

"Why do you always interrupt me when I want to tell jokes? When we first fell in love, you liked to listen to my jokes. "

"But you tell jokes at every dinner party, and even when talking about politics, you tell that stupid rope joke."

"Can't you let me express my thoughts in front of others? Can't you let others decide what they want to hear and what they don't want to hear? "

……

A couple who can rationally adjust their emotions will calm down the quarrel, but for a marriage full of contradictions, it will only make the husband and wife have deeper grievances. Diane Farmer is a sociologist at the University of California, Davis. She made an in-depth study of this situation that caused the contradiction between husband and wife. In the 1980s, when she was doing research at Indiana University in Bloomington, she first found the answer to this question. She still remembers that day clearly. She was having lunch with some female friends, and the conversation turned to partnership. "A lady complained that her husband never accompanied her on weekends," farmer Li recalled. "He is always busy with his work, and she wishes he could spend more time with her. I asked her what attracted her husband in the first place. "

Li's friend replied that she and her husband had been in love since high school, and she fell in love with him at first sight because he worked hard. "I know very well that he will be a promising person in the class," said a friend of farmer Li. "Another lady said that her fiance had never shared his feelings with her. I asked her,' What attracted you to him?' She replied,' He is deep and has a deep temperament.' I thought to myself,' Deep and steady men really don't exaggerate their feelings and rarely talk about their feelings'. In these examples, it seems that the qualities that attract your partner most at first have turned into shortcomings that annoy you.

Fatal attraction

When Danver Millie decided to study this problem, she was teaching a large class. Sophomore students often provide the foundation for the birth of new psychological theories, so she decided to carry out experiments in her class. I asked the students to take out a piece of paper, think about their boyfriend or girlfriend, and then write down what attracted them to that person at first.

As a teacher, when you ask students to answer questions, they often give the answers they think you want to hear. So she went on to ask some unimportant questions to cover up the answers she wanted. "Finally, I asked them what characteristics they least liked about that person. If they have broken up, I asked them why. "

The results of the study confirmed her initial hypothesis that it is very common for students who are in love or have broken up to gradually turn the characteristics that initially attracted them into those that bothered them. In the past few decades, Farm Li has explored this issue with couples as the research object and named it "fatal attraction". "We asked a boy what he liked about his ex-girlfriend, and he listed all the parts of her body, including the most intimate parts. But when he answered why he broke up, he said that the relationship was only based on sexual desire and there was not enough love. I thought,' Well, he got what he wanted from the beginning'.

And the list goes on. Farm Li said that people who are humorous at first may be considered "unreliable" or "immature" later. A woman reported that she was initially attracted by her boyfriend's sense of humor, but later she complained that he "never took other people's feelings seriously (made too many jokes)". Caring is another positive quality, but it also has a negative side. Farmer Li said that there was a woman who was attracted by a "very careful" and persistent man, but she didn't like him always trying to control. Another woman described her ex-boyfriend as "caring", "sensitive" and willing to listen to others. But what she can't stand is that he is jealous. "He hates her going to parties with friends."

Almost all the positive qualities you can think of will become annoying in the end: amiable people will be regarded as passive over time;

A strong-willed person, if he does this often, will become stubborn and unreasonable;

Extroverts and talkative people may also become nagging nuisance;

Enthusiastic and intimate pursuers have become entangled partners;

A passionate adventurer will become an irresponsible parent;

A beautiful and moving goal may become an unbearable partner;

Laziness makes people lazy;

A fanatical hobby may be considered a workaholic.

To some extent, the concept of fatal attraction is very similar to the opposite of another concept, that is, hedonic inversion. According to the theory of happiness inversion, some unpleasant things, such as eating Chili peppers, will become a kind of enjoyment after repeated experiences. At first, we found an attractive quality in our partner, which gradually became annoying as time went on. Li, a farmer, carried out verification all over the world and got the same result.

In addition, she often finds that the more strongly a person expresses a certain trait, the more likely it is to become an annoying trait. This may be a matter of degree in essence. For example, a person who is extremely funny and tells jokes endlessly will soon bore his partner; But if this person only occasionally makes some humorous comments, it won't be like this.

What the hell happened? Why do advantages turn into disadvantages and loveliness into troubles? "I call it disillusionment," Farm said. She thinks this can be explained by social exchange theory. "Extreme quality can bring rewards," she said, "but it can also lead to the loss of related things, especially in a relationship."

Take independence as an example. "Your independence is highly appreciated by your partner, which means you can stand on your own feet," said farmer Li. "But if you are too independent, your wife will feel that she is not needed. And this is the loss in a relationship. "

Farm Li also thought of many ways to help couples avoid these problems effectively. Self-awareness is very useful. She recalled a man complaining that his wife was too stubborn. "But from another angle, what he loves most and makes him fall in love at first sight is her strong personality. And he said that he must marry her and spend his life with her. " This person seems to realize that positive qualities also have inevitable negative sides. "Moreover, he also realized his limitations. He said,' I am also stubborn, and she has to tolerate this'.

"You can't find a lover without faults," said farmer Li.

Social allergen

Even if your partner only occasionally gets disheveled or talks while eating, living together for a long time will give you plenty of opportunities to see these behaviors. Elaine hatfield, a psychologist at the University of Hawaii at Manoa, believes that "in marriage, the same thing will happen again and again, because we all have stupid little quirks". Hatfield believes that according to a theory called equivalence theory, this nuisance will be amplified.

This view holds that social norms encourage groups and individuals to treat others fairly, and individuals feel best when they are treated fairly. The equivalence theory explains that if you feel that your relationship is out of balance, you will change the status quo by restoring psychological or actual balance or even leaving this relationship. But if you are the beneficiary of this relationship, you will be more willing to ignore your partner's "bad" habits and criticize his weaknesses less. "But if you think,' That guy uses everything, I have to take care of eight children and can't go anywhere, and he's still there', it will only make you angrier," hatfield said.

Michael Cunningham is a psychologist at the University of Louisville. He put forward the concept of social allergen: social allergen refers to some small things that will not cause any reaction at first, but with the accumulation of contact times, it will lead to a concentrated outbreak of emotions. Such trifles can be divided into four categories: rude habits, such as farting loudly or digging nose excrement, are actually annoying, although they are not intended to annoy others;

Behavior that doesn't care about others' feelings, even if it's not intentional, will annoy someone. For example, your wife said she would go to the dry cleaner to pick up clothes, but she forgot again and again;

Deliberately offended, "there is a person who always imposes his views on you, whether you are interested or not," Cunningham said for example;

He said that breaking the rules "is not aimed at you, but violates some of your principles." For example, you know some people don't pay taxes. Although you don't need to supervise them, you have paid taxes, so it is annoying for him not to pay taxes. "

Generally speaking, these four social allergens bring challenges to our life and that of another person. Cunningham believes that it is not just repeated contact that leads to contradictions. When a relationship is first established, lovers fall in love, but beauty is in the eye of the lover. At this time, you don't know that lovers are used to breaking their knuckles, but you don't think this is a big problem. Slowly, when the passion fades-Cunningham calls this process de-romanticization, couples are no longer willing to ignore these rude behaviors.

Another reason why these social allergens become more and more annoying over time is that they will appear more frequently after falling in love. Rowland S. Miller, a psychologist at Sam Houston State University in the United States, gave a very good explanation: once the love period is over and people enter the marriage hall, people usually don't pay so much attention to their own image. Therefore, in love, a lover who shaves and wears cologne for breakfast will become a husband who wears underwear, does not comb or wash, and steals the last doughnut.

In different societies, men and women have different preferences and dislikes for allergens. With the development of relationships, men tend to think that women are inconsiderate, annoying, more and more savage and controlling. Not surprisingly, women find men more and more rude. Women will be more angry than men when they encounter things that violate social regulations, such as seeing someone smoking in a non-smoking area or evading a parking ticket.

Most couples have this experience. If the same behavior appears on your partner, you will be very angry, while if it is someone else, it is (relatively) easy to ignore. Cunningham believes that there are two reasons behind this. One reason is that if this person is not your partner, you believe you can avoid this behavior. You can stand sitting next to a very annoying person when you eat, because you know you can be free after dinner. But if your spouse is as annoying as that person, you have to endure not only today's dinner, but also the next day's lunch, which is endless.

So what should you do? How can we prevent these social allergens from ruining your relationship? Cunningham said that you should try to accept your partner's annoying habits, although the effect of this advice is like warning you that eating more fruits and vegetables is good for your health. "These shortcomings are part of this person," he said. "To love their advantages, we must accept their shortcomings."

Another slightly more practical method is to try to reclassify behaviors. "You can regard those annoying quirks as a lovely trait," Cunningham said. Unfortunately, this reclassification often happens after death. Your partner used to chew gum loudly, which made you angry, but when you think of him at the funeral, this behavior seems to become cute. "If you can think like this when he is still alive, you will be one step ahead," he added.

solution

Of course, there are still some factors that we may have overlooked. Arthur Allen, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, said that sometimes we dig at our partners intentionally or unintentionally. Allen believes that sometimes we consciously retaliate against our partners, and we know each other's weaknesses best. Allen said: "When you go out to play with others, you usually don't talk about some sensitive topics. Even if you do, you won't hold on to it." "But between husband and wife, you know what sensitive issues are, so when your partner brings up these topics, you will be particularly angry."

Intentionality of behavior may be an important factor leading to our anger. Just like the fierce wind blowing on the door, it won't hurt our feelings, but the angry people close the door. Allen believes that this deliberate "persistence" does not only appear in adult relationships.

The child deliberately didn't tidy the room, drank milk directly from the milk box and didn't hand in his homework. These are the ways they use to annoy their parents, who let them go to bed too early or refuse to give them more pocket money. Like hatfield, Allen believes that when a relationship is very stable, these rebellious behaviors will be ignored, otherwise they will be exaggerated. More and more conflicts are a sign of relationship problems.

Fortunately, there is a way to solve this problem. Allen believes that one of the best ways to have a relationship is to celebrate when something good happens to your partner. "This is more effective than offering help when he or she is in trouble," Allen said.

Another suggestion is to do something new, challenging and exciting with your partner. When you do something beneficial to your relationship, your partner will not be so angry.

Translation: Han Han