Humorous jokes about children

1. Dad bought a cantaloupe, and my son asked two friends to share it.

One said, "I want half."

The other said, "I want the third one."

The son finally said, "Dad bought this melon, so I will eat more. I want one percent! " "

2. When his son Qiqi came home from school, his father asked, "Say, what's new?"

"Terrible, I failed the exam twice," the son replied.

Dad sighed: "Alas, this is nothing new ..."

3. When my daughter saw her father shaving every day, she asked curiously: Why do you shave every day?

Dad said: this beard is like leek. If you don't shave for a day, you will grow.

The daughter said seriously: just dig out the beard root.

5. The father said to his son who often makes trouble outside, "Be a man, take a step back and broaden the horizon ..."

"What happens if you don't advance or retreat?" The son interjected and asked.

My father was anxious and shouted angrily, "Then ask the Meteorological Observatory!"

6. "Mom, do you know whose roots are black and whose teeth are white?"

"I don't know, daughter, what is it?"

"Silly, it's the piano."

Xiaoming took a fancy to a plane, so he took out 1000 yuan from his pocket to buy toys.

Salesgirl: *, this is a fake toy bill. You can't buy a plane!

Xiaoming: Your plane is not real either!

8. One day my daughter came home and said to her mother, "The family next door must be very poor. 」

Mom: "How do you know? 」

Daughter: "Because their child just swallowed a dollar, the whole family is extremely nervous." 」

9. Teacher: Our school will switch to English teaching from next semester.

Some classmate: Wow! We won't understand.

Teacher: Don't worry about not understanding. Learning languages means listening more.

You listen to me speak English every day, and you will understand it after a long time.

Student B: But I listen to the dog barking at home every day, and I don't know what it is saying.

10. In a final exam, a student was faced with questions on the test paper.

If you can't write a question, just write it on the paper:

"Lao tze planted this year and come back next year! 」

The test paper will be returned, and the teacher will give it back:

"Boy, the old point for you! 」

This case has been completely clarified.

In class, the teacher said, "Who can make sentences with facts?" I stood up and said, "I have a pig named Dabai. Dabai gave birth to a baby this year Compared with the baby, Dabai is really like Dabai! ~

small tortoise

One day Xiaoming cried and said to his mother, "Mom, my little turtle is dead."

Mom said, "I obviously don't cry." Mom will take you to buy your favorite ice cream, then take you to buy your favorite toy dog, and then hold a small funeral for the little turtle. "

Xiao Ming turned grief into joy and said, "Thank you, Mom."

At this time, my mother saw the little turtle move and said, "obviously your little turtle is not dead!" " "

Xiaoming burst into tears and said, "Mom, can I kill it?"

Two letters

One day, Xiao Ming's father gave Xiao Ming two letters, some money and asked Xiao Ming to buy two stamps and send them. Ten minutes later, Xiao Ming came back.

Xiao Ming said: Dad, I sent two letters, which cost only half the money!

Dad was surprised and asked Xiao Ming: How did you send two letters with half the money?

Xiao Ming proudly said, I put one letter in another, so that only one stamp is needed, and half the money can be saved!

Daughter Bao jiaozi.

My daughter (Grade One) loves her work very much and has learned to do simple housework. One day, when I came home, I found that she was making dumplings alone, and more than twenty of them had stood high on the plate. Just as she was about to praise and encourage, she accidentally dropped jiaozi on the ground. She immediately got under the table, picked it up and put it on the plate. I was shocked: "Don't drop anything! She smiled and said, "Never mind, everyone fell to the ground. 」

idol

Xiao Ming always goes to bed late. One day, Xiaoming's mother criticized him and said, "Look, Xiaohua next door gets up before dawn every day. Can't you get up early? "

Xiao Ming confidently replied, "Mom! I'm not like him. The idol of Xiaohua is Dawn! My idol is the writer Longsheng Wo. "

Chocolate

There are two women in the hospital. They are nursing their children (one white and one black). At this time, the white child pushed his mother's milk away, pointed to the black milk and said, "Mom, I want to drink chocolate!" " "

One day haha died, hee hee said, "haha, you are dead!" " "

Yinhe hate

There is an American student John in the Chinese class I teach. He is full of interest in Chinese characters.

Fun. One day, John came back from the street and found my office: "Teacher, I miss you from China.

Very modest. ""why? "I'm surprised." In the street, I saw many big signs.

Everyone is showing off themselves, such as: China is good, China people are good, and China agriculture is good. ...

I regard "silver" as "very".

What gift do you want?

Three children asked their mother; "Mom, today is your birthday, and we want to give you a gift. What do you want? " "I just want three obedient children." "Ah," cried the boss, "so we are not six brothers?"

Who am I?

A child lost his memory. One day, the teacher asked his name and the child answered. "I will ask my parents," he asked his mother, who answered the phone. She said, "It's you!" He went to ask his father again, and his father comforted himself and said, "There is nothing to doubt." He went to ask his sister who was on the phone, and she said; "good!" He went to ask his brother who was eating ice cream. He said, "How cool!" "He went to ask his aunt who was chatting with her lover online, and she said," Dear, let's go! ""Tomorrow, the teacher will still ask this question. He said, "It's you." The teacher was puzzled. He added, "There is nothing to be confused about!" The teacher said, "Stand up for me!" He said, "Good!" After class, the teacher asked, "What's up?" He said, "How cool!" The teacher immediately flew into a rage and said; Get your ass back to the office. "He replied," honey, let's go! ! ! "

Treat unfairly

Yao Ming ran out of the house crying. The neighbor asked, "Mingming, why are you crying?"

"Dad hit me!"

"Why did Dad hit you?"

"Because I stole from others."

"Obviously, this is your fault. Remember what Dad said when he hit you! "

"Remember, dad said, next time you steal useless things and break my legs!"

ring?the?doorbell

An old man walked slowly along the street and saw a little boy reaching for the doorbell, but the doorbell was too high to reach. The kind old man stopped and said to the child, "I'll ring the doorbell for you." So he rang the doorbell so hard that the whole house heard him.

At this time, the child said to the old man, "Now let's run away, quick!" " "

look forward to

Today, my daughter came back and showed me her arithmetic scores. She only got 80 points. I was so angry that I told my daughter that you should not look at the person in front. He said that the person in front of him got only 50 points.

My name is Blister

In the animal court, the lion judge is trying three ducks.

The lion asked the first lion, "What's your name?" Huahua: "My name is Huahua" Lion: "Why were you brought here?" Huahua: "I play with blisters when I swim." Judge lion thought there was nothing wrong and let it go.

The lion asked the second lion, "What's your name?" Mao Mao: "My name is Mao Mao" Lion: "Why were you brought here?" Mao Mao: "I play with blisters when I swim." The lion thought about it and let it go.

The lion asked the third duck with a black face, "What's your name?" The duck said, "My name is Paopao."

Ride a bike

One day, Xiaoming was playing in the yard on a bike bought by his mother.

Mother told him to be careful!

Xiao Ming said to his mother on the first lap, "Mom, you see I can ride without hands."

Xiao Ming said to his mother when riding the second lap, "Mom, you see I can ride without feet."

Xiao Ming told me on the third lap.

Don't think I don't understand.

My son is three years old. He usually lives in kindergarten. After taking him home at the weekend, he slept between my wife and me.

Last Sunday night, he said to us, "Sun Jie in our class said she would marry me."

I was surprised and asked, "What about you?"

"Of course I want to marry her!" Son, answer loudly! "Mom and Dad, let's buy a house quickly."

"Why buy a house?" The wife asked.

"I married her! By the way, you have to buy me a two-bedroom apartment. "

"Why buy two bedrooms? Why don't you two just share a bedroom? " I made fun of him on purpose.

But the son said, "don't think I don't understand, our children have to live in a room!" I don't want to talk to children.

Like me, I sleep among you adults. "

Extra dad

Child: "Mom, are we supported by God?"

Mom: "Of course, dear."

Child: "Is the gift also from God?"

Mom: "Of course."

Child: "Then I don't understand. What do we want dad to do? "

A barking dog doesn't bite!

Father and son are walking on the boulevard. Suddenly, I saw a big black dog barking at them. My son was frightened.

, hiding behind his father.

Dad said, "Don't be afraid, son. Do you know the proverb' barking dogs don't bite'? "

"I know, dad. But does the dog know this proverb? "

Hit my dad

A little boy ran into the police station and said to the policeman on duty, "Mr. policeman, hurry up, someone hit my father in the street."

Dad! "

The police immediately ran out with the boy, and sure enough, two people were fighting.

"Which is your father?" Asked the policeman.

"I don't know, that's why they fight."

Just for you.

One day, Mr Wagner took little Tom to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter brought two pork chops, and Tom picked one at once.

I bought a big piece and put it on my plate.

Mr. Wagner was very unhappy and said, "Why are you so rude?"

"So if you choose first, which one do you choose?" Tom asked.

"Of course it's small."

"Isn't that just right? I just left you a small piece. "

1 Hao kindergarten

Question 1: What will fish do if there is no water in the sea one day?

Child A: The fish went to the river. (Thinking for a moment, continuing) Oh, no, what about whales? It's too big to get in. How thoughtful! )

Child b: change the stone. (The fish is vomiting blood ...)

Question 2: Where does the milk come from?

Child A: There are several mouths under the cow's stomach, from which it flows out. Are you sure that's a mouth? )

Continue to ask: How did coconut milk come from?

Child B: Coconut milk is goat's milk. That's too far, brother

Keep asking: what is goat milk?

Child B: Goat milk is yogurt, right? Don't drink at home, order bright milk. (What terrible logic)

Question 3: What is a child's face for?

Child A: It's for mom.

Follow-up: Do you miss dear dad?

Child a: for dad.

Keep asking: then who are you kissing your face for?

Child A: It's for mom. (Dad is in tears)

Child B: It's for sticker heads. Is your face a billboard? )

Question 4: Why does the child come out of the mother's stomach instead of the father's?

Child A: Girls come out of their mothers' bellies, and boys come out of their fathers' bellies. (what a fool)

Little boy B: Because boys are cute! (Little girls shout together: Boys are not cute! )

Question 5: What's the use of children's hair?

Little girl A: It's used to comb my hair.

Question boy B: What's the use of hair that can't be braided?

Child b: it's used to shave the hair of the barber shop. (Precious dedication)

2 nd kindergarten

Question 1: Why do people only have two legs?

Child A: Because we are not animals. Are ducks four-legged? )

Child B: You can't grow four legs. (this is the arrangement of heaven, the biggest)

Child C: (laughing to himself) If you have four legs, you will fight.

Follow-up: But can a four-legged dog run fast?

Child C: (in a daze) ... (All the children shouted: I run faster than a dog! )

Question 2: How can we make fat people lose weight immediately?

Child A: Eat diet cookies. (still smart)

Follow-up: you can't lose weight immediately after eating diet cookies. How can you lose weight at once?

Child A: Then don't eat diet cookies. (Are you kidding? )

Question 3: How can we make thin people fat immediately?

Child A: Drink milk. (Milk is not pig feed)

Child B: You can be a policeman if you eat too much. (The police are all fat? )

Question 4: Why did the balloon fly into the sky?

Child A: Because it is angry. If you are out of breath, can you call a balloon? )

Follow-up: Then why can't some balloons fly into the sky?

Child A: Because there is too little gas in it. (What nonsense)

3 rd kindergarten

Question 1: What animal has two feet and will wake you up when the sun rises in the morning?

Child A: Chicken, rooster. (Another child cries: Daddy Chicken)

Curiously asked: What is a chicken father?

Child: The hen is called hen, and the rooster is called chicken father. (It dawned on me ...)

Child b: mom.

Child c: the sun. (Khan ... The sun is an animal. )

Continue to ask: Does the sun have feet?

Child C: The sun has five feet. (Another child retorts: Seven, rainbows are seven colors. )

Question 2: What do you mean by gossiping?

Child a: it's just gossiping. It's a mess Add: We are talking now. (I still have self-knowledge)

Child B: Make a lot of tongues. (It's terrible ...)

Question 3: How to distinguish between men and women?

Child A: Look at the hair. Girls with long hair and boys with short hair. (A girl with short hair is crying next to her ...)

Child b: peeking at his (her) urine, boys standing, girls squatting. (This era is lewd ...)

Child C: Look at what socks he (she) is wearing. The red one is a girl and the blue one is a boy. (so innocent ...)

Child D: Look at its eyes. (so erratic ...)

Question 4: What happens if a stone is thrown into a fish pond?

Child A: Water will turn into waves. (……)

Child B: The fish will come up. The fishermen are very happy ...

Child C: A fine of five yuan. (Khan ...)

No.4 kindergarten

Question 1: Why is Tangshan called Tangshan?

Child A: Because it is a mountain for drinking soup. (Really looking for meaning ...)

Child B: Tangshan is a hot spring and a place to take a bath. (irrelevant answer ...)

Child C: It's very hot down there, so it's called Tangshan. Khan ... turned out to be a hot mountain ...

Child D: Who is Tangshan? (……)

Question 2: An old man lost a horse. Do you think the horse will come back?

Child A: No, because horses are playing on the road. (Naughty horse ...)

Child B: No, Marta can't read rings. I've never seen a horse walk to see the rings ...

Child C: No, mom went to marry another horse. What a romantic child ...

Child d: no, grandpa is not nice to the horse. The horse has gone to find a new owner. The reality is cruel, and horses need to jump ship ...

Question 3: Why does the aunt who gives medicine in the hospital wear a mask?

Child A: Because the dean is afraid that they will steal food. (Is the medicine delicious? )

Immediately, a child scrambled to say: Are those uncles with scalpels and masks afraid of their meals? (dizzy ...)

Child B: I'm afraid of drooling, because I have to pay attention to hygiene. Wearing a mask is to prevent saliva from flowing down ...

5 th kindergarten

Question 1: What's the difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi?

Child a: the name is different. (This is even known to Martians)

Child B: The bottle of Coca-Cola is red, and Pepsi is blue. I know you're not color blind, good boy.

Child C: Pepsi has Jay Chou, and Coca-Cola has vanilla.

Child D: Coca-Cola is sour, and it will get angry if you drink it! (I will be angry, which means it is a special cola. )

Question 2: Why does the subway run underground?

Child A: Because the subway has the word "ground", it should be underground. I know someone who will answer this question.

Child B: The subway has no wheels, so it can't run on the ground. Do you have wheels? No? Really? )

Question 3: Is there a chicken or an egg first in the world?

Child A: Eat the eggs first.

Q: Where did the eggs come from without chickens?

Child A: ...

Child B: Hens come first, and then eggs are laid.

Child C: There are 30 eggs in a * *!

Surprise: What? Thirty eggs, right?

Child C: Because there are two old hens, each laying 15 eggs, there are 30! Hello, children, God.

Question 4: What festival is April 1?

Child a: mother's day.

Child b: Women's Day.

Reminder: March 8 Women's Day.

Child B: That's Arbor Day!

I can't help it: When is April Fool's Day?

Child C: It's 65438+1October 8th! (This ...)

Child D: I see, April 1 is the festival of uncle driver! (How did you come up with it, out of curiosity)

Question 5: How can we become beautiful?

Child A: Sticking cucumbers, my mother sticks them at home every day.

Child B: Stick papaya. My aunt always sticks papaya.

Child C: Paste the eggs! (It's really hard)

Child D: Sticking potatoes, my mother-in-law sticks her hand to me.

Little boy e: I've burnt mango skin! Is that you fooling around? )