Reading Notes 2-Shi Tiesheng's Notes on Retreat

This is really an obscure book. Actually, I didn't even know it was a novel. Fictional characters and messy plots have never clearly felt that the author is imagining, and it has never been so difficult to persistently finish reading a book.

In order to be closer to the author's thoughts, I have to summarize each chapter, extract fragments, record my feelings, and try to leave something for myself in the future:

1. Writing night: a night to explore existence and nothingness.

"But that's not me anymore. No matter how that night is preserved in his memory, it is just his own history ... it is just his impressions and thoughts, and it is part of his own life. " What they think of us is not us, but has nothing to do with us, so don't live for the impression of others. They are not all we know, so don't define a person easily.

"I am part of my impression, and my whole impression is me." Is this sentence saying that I am not me? Because I can only feel my impression, not the whole me. So what? What does the author want to tell us? I hope there will be a tentative discussion after reading it.

2. Disability and love: Disabled person C finally waited for the return of his distant lover and decided to get married together for the rest of his life. However, people constantly cast questioning, questioning and sympathetic eyes on him, questioning his ability of sex and love and questioning his right to love.

3, the prelude to death: the mystery of the sudden death of painter Z's wife O.

4, the door of childhood: the god of fate let Z meet the white feather of childhood, his heart and his humiliation. White feather, white feather that struggled to land, white feather that lost its body temperature but refused to fall into gloom and cold. ...

5. Lovers: After Dr. F and female directors N were forced to separate, their hair turned white, as if they had lost their souls, and they became machines that only knew how to work. Although I got married in the future, I still can't escape a bad word before N left. During the day, the stagnant water is calm, and at night, I dream of waves.

"Probably from then on, the young F began to understand that not all the words in the world can be said, or not all for the sake of saying." N ask f to explain whether being born will make love a mistake; Whether there is nothing wrong with not giving up and not separating; Whether nothing is true except reality ... F gave up N between true love and parents, gave up himself, and then hid his desire in a night dream and blended in nonsense.

6. Birthday: Birthday here does not mean the date of your birth, but the date when something special happened in your memory, such as many firsts, such as things that stayed in your mind and became part of your soul. Those things also happened to poets L, teenagers WR and Z. They made different reactions and choices, which made them different.

7. Mother: No one can escape from dreams to reality, just like the mother of a teenager Z or WR.

8. Masses: When the Cultural Revolution struck, people's blind and wrong thoughts caused many misfortunes. Z naive happiness gradually evolved into humiliation, patience and resentment. ...

9. Summer Wall: The poet L began his most straightforward and passionate but fruitless love and desire for the girl T.

"How can she give the love letter that the boy gave her to the Revolutionary Committee ... she doesn't understand that it was a man's most honest time, that was poetry, that was his purest wish ... daughter, she said,' As long as he changed, he was still a good boy', but what do you want him to change that boy? Sex or love? No, what he can change is only honesty, only trust in people, only enthusiasm for the world ... Maybe others will always talk about it and use it to humiliate him ... Why, why is sex a shameful thing? Why does one person's desire and honesty for another person become a handle for others to attack you? How did those people think of putting a poetic love letter of teenagers on the wall? What do they want? What do you want to achieve? " Now is not the past, but many values and concepts are no different from the past. Recently, I suddenly feel that people's behavior is often determined by ideas, and the formation of correct values plays a decisive role in the progress of a person and a country.

10, Bai Niao: Young WR can't change people's ideas, can't influence the high-level decision-making, and is forced to walk into the distant world and leave his cherished girl O. Bai Niao, the bird that keeps flying, representing the unattainable pure and warm love. ...

1 1. Poplar: After being separated from N for more than 20 years, Dr. F finally mustered all the courage to come back to see her and protect her, just like the rows of poplars downstairs.

12, desire: there is desire in existence, and there is desire in life, so there is dream, creation and freedom to be a man.

"Desire will never die, and the name of desire will always be' I' ... As for what kind of human name' I' accidentally has, it doesn't matter. It's f, l, c, o, n, all the same. Just stand in the perspective of' I' to feel the pain and stand in the position of' I' to bear the pain. " The characters in the author's works can all be one person, and they become different people because of different experiences and different desires.

13, Guilin story: dark times and evil systems ruined the love and life of Guilin women.

"History will no longer remember that time. History has no time to remember a person's hardships, because the interests and desires of most people are the masters of history. " History is not complete. Maybe it's not true.

"She hid to see the outside world. At this time, she or I saw a more cruel punishment than torture, humiliation and gang rape: discrimination and loneliness. Discrimination comes not from the enemy, but from relatives. Loneliness is not a person drifting on an empty and cold sea, but a place where people gather together and a better life unfolds-there is no place for you. " In this world, there are always unfortunate, abandoned people who bear the consequences.

14, yesterday: Yesterday was a subjective expression, sorry. The past only represents an objectivity, disappearing. Many years later, N's father or WR came back from a distant place, but those past days were yesterday.

"I don't think I can create any complete or plump characters ... even I don't think there are any plump characters in any literary works except the author himself ... because I can't know any complete or plump others, and I can't follow anyone from beginning to end. I just passed them. I passed them in my life, looked at them from one angle, chatted with them for a while, approached them somewhere, and then separated from them for a long time, or forgot them or left an impression on them. However, what I remember is not really them, but really my various moods ... they have become many parts of my life. They make me and create me, not me. " This is the relationship between the writer and his characters.

"I don't think that only what I personally participated in is my experience (many things that I personally participated in have long since vanished, as if they never happened). I believe that imagination, hope, thinking and confusion are also my experiences. Dreams are also an experience, and the effect is the same ... I often, even every moment, feel like a sober old man at the end of my life, and find that everything yesterday has disappeared before my eyes, and many memories have escaped from my brain, but they have all become impressions and lived in my mind. And the people who live in the heart are no less than those who escape from the brain, because they weave and carve another boundless world there, that is my real world. The memory has been eclipsed, and the impression is my fresh life. " I just want to express that life is not just a reality, and it should not be just a reality.

15, Side Street: Z lives a vulgar and humble life with his mother, stepfather, sister M and later brother HJ in the side street.

16, Kwai Lin story: The concept of conformity has cast a wall, separating Kwai Lin woman from the other side of the world and enduring discrimination, abuse and loneliness, although she has not committed a heinous crime. ...

"Someone picked those sunflower leaves with words and put them together to spell out a sentence-'I am guilty, but I never doubted my original belief.' ..... It's like a joke, but it's a reality ... I've gone abroad to open a private restaurant, but the women in the sunflower forest will always be traitors who can't hold their heads up ... Some people give up their original beliefs and go to another life, and they are happy, leaving a traitor in the past to silently stick to his original beliefs in the sunflower forest and make amends for his cowardice year after year or even day and night. "When she was caught by the enemy, she could only choose between her relatives and her comrades. No, there is death, but she chose her relatives and chose to live, which doomed her to humiliation for the rest of her life. Human nature is so timid and selfish. People are afraid of being hurt and busy pulling away from each other, so they only insult her, torture her and punish her, but forget that she is also a human being. She also longs for equality, respect, freedom and happiness ... Only death is noble. She is called a hero and remembered by people. However, she has the right to live.

17, fear: c's disability comes before love. So C was afraid that his selfish love would bring X closer to his suffering. X is also afraid, afraid of all the doubts, explorations and condemnations of those people, and afraid that his love for C will be called pity, which is considered as a way to be a good person. Therefore, fate and dreams are always different.

18, loneliness and loneliness: loneliness is only for one person. Loneliness often returns to the group and enters the soul. Love is a proof of loneliness.

"So what is shame? It violates the rules of group traffic and the taboo of group establishment. It's group rejection. You are unique, but you must yield to unity. You are free, but you must yield to taboos. Because you are eager to be close to the group and eager for their acceptance. You are afraid of being expelled from the group. So you are lonely, you are a unique but lonely soul. Born this way. Life is like this. It will always be like this. Loneliness tempts you to join the group-otherwise it is not loneliness, you must compromise, and you must know shame. " Passive.

"All the nights of writing, rain, snow, wind and frost, I was thinking, what's the use of writing? Writing is to keep the weight of life from being easily erased. Let the past and the future exist heavily, and feel their weight on the shoulders and hearts, even oppressing and even stinging. It can exist now. Only now can we go back and forth between the past and the future and become dreams ... what can make us human? What can expand our life? What makes us unique? So we are not one of a batch, but a unique one, an irreplaceable one, and therefore an indelible one? Only desires and dreams! Desire and dreams lead us into an illusory, blank and uncertain reality, a kingdom of freedom and infinite possibilities ... The sun is shining in heaven, but writing is night. " Writing records the weight of life and feels the real heaviness of human instinct escape.

"If people can't protect their privacy and solitude, one's freedom can be controlled, bound, pasted on the wall and sent to the next door of the world …" Freedom requires ability.

19, the difference: o finally understands that White Feather is a distant and cold aristocrat, and all the wishes rooted in Z's heart are revenge, staying at the end of the strong and conquering the aristocrats in the eyes of the world. His resentment is deeply buried in his heart, hating his poor background, his humble companions around him, and the hypocritical nobility of others. People are born different, that is, unequal.

20. Infinite dimension: Maybe every dimension is the same, with honor and disgrace and differences, depending on who is lucky ... The mystery of female teacher O's death is gradually revealed.

2 1, guess: O was completely desperate about the love and meaning of life in this world, so she went to another world to pursue equal and sacred love in her heart.

"Can let fiend die, must be the metaphysical despair of love. If the logic of love cannot overcome Z's theory, if love is still a utilitarian choice, it still means that some souls are despised, discriminated against and abandoned, and love is fundamentally desperate. " This is a lot of reality, no, maybe all of it.

"Because love itself is hope, and it will always be the hope of life. Love is your own quality, your own soul, your own situation and has nothing to do with others. Love is not a noun, but a verb, an eternal verb, which will never be exhausted ... The question of eternal love is the answer of love, the pursuit of eternal love is the destination of love, and the desire for eternal love spreads evenly in this universe, everywhere ... "This is love, love without an answer, love that exists forever and is pursued forever.

22. End or beginning: The story ends here. Everyone in the story is the same, walking all the way, with an uncertain future and starting over.

"I hope I can answer: beyond reality, love is still true ..." ... "Dr. F gave the answer to the O question more than 20 years before his death. It seems that the author still believes in love. As written in the previous chapter, love itself is a kind of hope.

"Empty guesses can load any dream, and the real answer is to define the real pain ... just let the dream stay in the most beautiful position ... the most painful position, the most sad and painful position, just exclude the mediocrity ..." Just exclude most false politeness and keep a poetic truth.

"I am only a part of this world, so I don't know, but all parts of this world are me, so it knows the desires of this world, so it knows the actions of this world, so it knows the hardships and fears of this world, so it must know the prayers of this world ..." Am I in my body? No, not only that. I am in all the news in the world, in all the desires of all people ... maybe I don't know what the meaning of life is, but human beings know that the whole human race is always on the road ... I am in an eternal cycle.

To be honest, I still don't understand the meaning after reading it. I've always wanted to read it again, and read it again with these feelings. However, it is difficult. Now I prefer to immerse myself in online novels … just relax and immerse myself. When I read this, my soul is trembling and can't be calm for a long time. It seems that ordinary life is very tasty.

A little helpless, but also a little pity, I have no heart to think deeply about life and humanity. ...

You can have a look if you are interested.

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