Who can tell me some jokes in Mandarin?

A patient came to see a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always thought I was a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?

Patient: Because I am a bird.

(2)

A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient, What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied, then I can't hear you.

The doctor listened: mm-hmm. It is normal.

The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?

The patient replied, then I won't watch it.

The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.

(3)

There are two mental patients. They escaped from the hospital.

They run and run. They climbed a tree.

One of them jumped from the tree.

Go away, go away.

Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey, why don't you come down?

The man above answered him: no-good-ah.

I'm not familiar with it-

(4)

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.

Squatting in front of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two spent a month in silence.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

(5)

When a mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting. The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people are going to meet them at the door. When welcoming, all patients should stand on both sides of the hospital gate and stand neatly. When I cough, everyone should clap together. The more enthusiastic the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, I can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, no one will eat steamed buns, remember? " The patients in the audience shouted together, "Remember 0.

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the welcoming patient was already standing at the door. At this time, with the cough of the hospital dean, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. The visiting leader was infected by the warm atmosphere, smiled and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital. Seeing the leader enter the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and the applause stopped completely, very neatly. Only the leaders smiled and applauded. The dean is very satisfied. Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily, "You won't eat steamed buns?" ! ! 0

(6)

Mental patient A stole the phone book from the nurse's office and went back to the ward. He asked B, "Look at this little book I recently finished."

What did you say?/Sorry? "

B looked at it and replied, "Not bad. However, there are more characters. " .

At this moment, the nurse in the mental hospital came in and said, "Give me back my phone book 1."

(7)

The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.

When the doctor heard about it, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. After a few months, the doctor felt that the patient seemed to be able to leave the hospital and decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Making money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take out the rubber band in your underwear, make a slingshot and find some stones to smash all the windows in your hospital.

(8)

Two mental patients, A Jun and B Jun, recovered at the same time. Their attending doctor said to them, "If one of you is ill, the other one will take him to the hospital at once."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "Great, Mr. B has been crawling in my toilet since this morning, which means he is my toilet." "Come on, send him quickly. 1A Jun was silent: "So ... I don't have a toilet? "

(9)

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fishes in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked, "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted, "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see it was an empty fish tank? "

( 10)

There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.

One day, the dean was there, and in order to see the patient's recovery, he thought of a way. He told these patients to come here and drew a door on the wall, saying, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

As soon as psychopaths heard this, they flocked around the painted door. The dean was very disappointed. At this time, he found a patient still sitting in the original position, feeling ok. He stepped forward and asked, "Why don't you open the door?"

He looked at what the dean said and made the dean laugh and cry.

The patient secretly told the dean, "I have the key here."

( 1 1)

Mental patients in hospitals usually have a worship complex for doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …

A funny parrot

1. Little X goes to Bird Market. Found a parrot with a price tag of 3 yuan money. So he asked the seller: Why is your parrot so cheap?

Vendor: My parrot is stupid! Shit, I've been teaching for a long time. Up to now, I can only say one thing: who is it?

Xiao X thought it was cheap anyway, so he bought it.

When I get home at night, he thinks I won't believe in religion or you! So little x taught him to say something else all night.

But in the morning, parrot a still only talks; Who is it? So little X got angry, locked the door and went to work. After a while, a gas collector (Z for short) came.

Little z: dong, dong ... (knocking at the door)

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

……

In the evening, little X came back. I saw a man lying on the ground in front of my house, foaming at the mouth.

Little x: yo ~! Who is this?

I heard the house say, gas inspector.

2. Little X especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird walking market and found a parrot with a price of 30,000 yuan.

Curious, he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive? Buyer: My parrot is very clever! I'll say anything.

Little X bought it as soon as he heard that he was so clever.

He was very happy when he came home at night. Just play with this parrot.

X: I can walk.

Parrot: I can walk.

X: I can run.

Parrot: I can run.

X: I can fly.

Parrot: You are bragging!

3. A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that all the other birds in it were killed by it.

Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.

The host said: Don't be awesome this time.

But when you look closely, the eagle is dead, and the parrot says naked, this grandson is really amazing. You can't beat Yating without taking off your arm.

There is a bird lover who likes parrots very much. One day, he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned inside.

He decided to buy this parrot because of its beautiful fur, so he shouted: I am willing to pay 10 dollars for this parrot!

Then someone bid: I am willing to pay 20 yuan dollars!

The bird lover didn't want to give the parrot away, so he called 30 yuan ... but the other one.

The voice seemed to be against him until the bird lover called 200 yuan. ...

The man was happy to buy a parrot, but it suddenly occurred to him: I spent so much money on this parrot. If it can't talk, wouldn't I lose a lot?

So he went to ask the boss: boss … can you talk?

Then he heard the parrot shout: Can't talk? ! Who do you think was bidding to you just now? !

5. A bird dealer has three parrots. A customer came to have a look, pointed to the first parrot and asked the price.

1000 yuan, said the bird dealer.

The customer was surprised: so expensive?

Of course, because it will use Windows.

How's this? The customer pointed to the second one.

2000, because it can use UNIX

Oh, what about the third one?

3000。 Will it ... The bird dealer shrugged his shoulders and replied, I don't know what it will be. He pointed to the first two parrots,

But the two of them call it' CEO'.

6. A man was walking in the street and saw a businessman selling parrots. Seeing that the parrot was beautiful, he asked the businessman if the parrot could talk.

The businessman said: Of course! Hold its right foot.

The man shook the parrot's right foot as he said. Only the parrot clearly said: hello! Hello!

The man is very happy, said the businessman. You can hold his left foot again.

The man shook the parrot's left foot according to the words, only to hear the parrot say clearly: goodbye, goodbye. ...

The man was even happier and immediately bought a parrot.

After returning home, be in heaven touched the parrot's left foot and the parrot's right foot.

The parrot also obediently said: Goodbye, hello.

It suddenly occurred to him: What would it say if I put its feet together?

As soon as he grabbed the parrot's foot.

I heard the parrot say loudly: You want to kill me! ?