Ask a few jokes that can make me laugh until my stomach hurts.

1. One night, a naked man called a taxi, and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and roared: You have never seen a naked man before! The female driver is also furious: I see where you pay for it!

2. Boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a line: those who cross the line are animals. Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line, and the woman slapped the man hard: you are not even as good as an animal!

3. One day, when Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest, he stepped forward and said, I am Hong TaoLiu, and the foreign guest said, I'm still a square seven!

4. Zaizai was repaired by his father. He went to his mother to complain: "Mom, what would happen to you if someone hit your son?" Mom: "I will take revenge on his son!" " Aberdeen: "..."

5. An old lady can't read, but she likes listening to the radio, and she must listen to the weather forecast every day. One day at dinner, I asked my family, "I have a question. Do you know where the local area is? It rains there almost every day. "

6. A little mouse on the cliff waved its short front paws, jumped down again and again, and tried to learn to fly. The mother bat next to it watched its head fall and said worriedly, Dad, don't tell it, it's not ours!

7. Going to the top of Mount Tai with friends to watch the sunrise, a friend pointed to the sky and said, "I saw it!" " "I saw it too!" At this time, someone in the distance came out with trousers and scolded: "See it when you see it!" What are you yelling about! "

1. Ghost: God, I want to be as white as an angel and have a pair of wings next time, but I still want to suck blood.

God: Then reincarnate as a nurse.

2. A friend sold popsicles in the park for the first time, so he was embarrassed to shout. At this time, someone suddenly shouted, "Sell popsicles ~ ~ ~ Sell popsicles ~ ~". Hearing this, the friend was so happy that he shouted, "Me too ~ ~ ~ Me too ~ ~".

3. The ant and the elephant died soon after they got married. While burying the elephant, the ant cried bitterly: "Dear, why did you go so early? I will bury you if I do nothing else in my life!" "

4. A boy has a crush on a girl, so he dared to ask her what kind of boy she likes.

The "congenial" girl answered, and the answer was the same even after asking several times.

The boy was discouraged and said, "How about a flat head?".

5. One day, I was out of breath to catch up with the last bus, shouting: Master! Master, wait for me ~

Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me slowly, Wukong, please stop chasing.

6. One day, I took a physical examination, and one of the questions was to guess the name of a bird by looking at its legs. A student really didn't understand, so he tore up the paper angrily and prepared to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, "What class are you in? What's your name?" A student lifted his trouser leg and said, "Guess, guess."

7. After the performance of the beautiful Mongolian actress, lingdao went to the stage to receive her. Then she took her hand and asked after a long time. She refused to let go and asked kindly, What's your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Marla Gaby Matsumoto"

8. A man bought a parrot that can only speak two words. One day, the owner was not at home, and a gas changer knocked at the door.

parrot: who is it?

A: Parrot changing gas

Who is it?

Answer:

...

When the owner came home, he was lying at the door. The owner wondered who it was.

Inside the door: the gas changer

9. A man saw a pile of things on the road, squatted down and smelled it, saying it might be poop, touched it with his hand and licked it in his mouth, saying it was really poop, but fortunately he didn't step on it. ~

1. The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. A: I felt that there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole, and I shook ... A man thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks.

11. A professor teaches in the field: "Scientific research should not be afraid of being dirty. . 。” Then he squatted down, poked the cow dung on the ground with his finger, and then put his finger in his mouth to lick it clean. A classmate quickly said, "I'm not afraid of being dirty. . 。” Then I poked the cow dung on the ground with my finger and licked it in my mouth. Professor: "In addition, I should be good at observing. I poked the dung with my middle finger just now, but I licked my index finger. . 。”

12. In a public toilet, Mr. A was constipated and couldn't pull it out for a long time. At this moment, another man, Mr. B, rushed in, and just squatted down, he pulled it very happily. After hearing this, Mr. A said, "Man, I really envy you, pulling it so happily." Mr. B said, "What's there to envy? I haven't taken off my pants yet ..."

13 Stop! " Pedestrians stopped in a daze. But a gentleman was so bad at riding that he knocked down a pedestrian. The pedestrian got up and was furious: "You still told me to stop! You aim well, don't you! "

14. Beautiful sister, 2 years old. One day, I called her mother and the little guy answered the phone. Out of courtesy, I also want to have a greeting with her. "Darling, where's mom?" "Go to Huaguoshan!" "..." "Darling, what are you doing?" "Aunt, you are so funny. I'm not calling you!"

my colleague's son, 4 years old. Classic sentence: "When I was young ..."

15. There was a car accident on the highway-a turtle trampled a cow. The police are investigating the cause of the accident and said, Wo Niu: How did the tortoise hit you? Woniu, who was hanging in plaster, recalled in dismay: I don't remember, he was too fast at that time!

16. A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. He was really bored and began to pull out his own hair. One … two … three … finally, there was not one left. Suddenly, he shouted ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… how cold! ! ...................

17. My colleague's daughter is a little beauty embryo. When she comes back from kindergarten, her mother often asks her, "Beauty, did anyone call you that today?" The little girl sighed: "I guess they see me too much, so they don't think I'm beautiful."

18. A couple gave birth to a little boy after contraceptive failure. After the child was born, he clenched his fist and kept laughing. The nurse broke his fist and found a contraceptive in it. Then the little boy spoke: "You two want to kill me, it's not that easy, hahahaha ..."

19. Two men went to the mountain to play, one alone. I only heard the man who fell answer, "I don't know, I'm still falling ~ ~ ~ ~"

2. A man was riding a bicycle, holding his hands on his chest, and when jing saw it, he said, "Good palms!" The man replied, hello, comrades!

21. The monkey asked the fox how to describe the fart of the elephant with a song. The fox said: Ku Kui Kei's <; Think about it > The ant heard and said, "cao, I thought it was a power train.": When > Yes. "

22. The two brothers were chased by a tiger, and the younger brother really couldn't run, so he said, "Brother, let's stop running and fight this beast to death." Brother said, "Don't talk nonsense, I can't outrun it, as long as I can outrun you."

23. Noodles were beaten by steamed bread, so I went to my cousin's instant noodles to get revenge. When the instant noodles saw the bean bag, they beat it violently. When they came back, they said to the noodles, Don't worry, I beat the shit out of it.

24. When a fashionable woman got on the bus, she took out a paper towel and wiped it for a while. She was just about to sit and fart. A man next to her said with a smile, "I'm KAO, so I have to blow it after wiping it."

25. Penguins are bored, so they want to go to the North Pole to play with polar bears.

After walking for many years, it's almost here, and suddenly comes to mind. Come out and play!

polar bear:

-no play.

26. In junior high school, a math teacher talked about equation transformation, and on the podium, he rolled his sleeves and shouted loudly: Attention, students! I'm going to transform! ......

27. A judge squinted and tried three suspects in one day.

The judge said to A, "Did you steal something?"

B replied, "No"

The judge was furious, "I didn't ask you."

c said, "I didn't say anything either."

28. On the plane, the crow said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water", and the pig said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water, too!" After hearing this, the stewardess threw the crow and the pig from the plane together. The crow smiled and said to the pig, "Be silly, I can fly ~ ~ ~ < P > 29. A rabbit walked into a shop and asked the boss, Do you sell carrots here? The wife said: No. After a while, the rabbit asked again, Do you sell carrots here? The boss impatiently said no! After a while, the rabbit asked again, and the boss finally couldn't bear it: if you make trouble again, I'll cut your ear with a pair of scissors!

After a while, the rabbit comes again: Do you sell scissors here? The boss said: No. The rabbit asked again: Do you sell carrots here ...

3. The devil caught the princess

The devil said: Just scream your throat out, no one will come to save you!

princess: break your throat, break your throat!

Nobody: Princess, I'm coming to save you!

devil: speak of the devil!

Cao Cao: Devil, what do you want me to do?

devil: wow, I saw a ghost!

ghost: shit! Found out.

Shit: Nonsense, who found me?

who: it's none of my business!

devil: oh,my god!

god: who called me? !

who: nobody called you!

nobody: I didn't! ! !

It is said that the demon king has suffered from schizophrenia since then.

31. A king wants to marry the princess, and puts an apple on her head. Whoever tries to shoot it will have a chance to marry the princess.

The first man shot the apple. He said, "I'm Robin.

The second man also shot the apple. He said, "I'm Houyi.

The third man accidentally shot the princess to death. He said, "I'm sorry ..."

32. Someone was practicing in a mental hospital, and suddenly a psychopath came after him with a kitchen knife. The man turned and ran until he reached a dead end, thinking it was over. The patient said, Here's a knife, it's your turn to chase me.

33. The flight attendant advised passengers to wear seat belts

"Those who didn't wear seat belts in the last forced landing were all bloody."

Q: "The one with the seat belt"

A: "Nothing, everyone is sitting well, just like a living person."

34. A new sculpture was built in a school-a girl holding a book in her left hand and holding a dove in her right hand. The school leaders publicly called the names to the students in the school. There was an endless stream of replies, and one of them had the highest voice: reading is a bird's use!

35. the sun calls the grass

the sun: hello, is the grass ni? Holy shit.

Cao: wo Cao, who are you?

sun: oh, my god

grass: oh, my god, who are you?

sun: oh, my god, you grass

grass: TMD, who are you?

sun: oh, my god,

grass: wo grass.

Sun's mother grabbed the phone: Cao, I'm ta Ma, how's Cao ni Ma?

36. Boyfriend and girlfriend go shopping together.

Girlfriend: Ouch, my feet are so sore.

The boyfriend is very nervous: What's the matter? Did you step on a lemon?

37. Little Bear asked the white rabbit, "Have you lost your hair?" The white rabbit said, "No," and the bear asked, "Do you really lose your hair?" The little white rabbit said, "It really won't drop", so the little bear wiped his ass with the little white rabbit. < P > 38. The little white rabbit went to the bakery: Boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: No. The next day the little white rabbit came again: boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: Sorry, there isn't.

On the third day, the little white rabbit came in: Boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: I'm so sorry, but I still haven't.

On the fourth day, the little white rabbit came skipping: Boss, do you have a hundred buns? Boss: Great! There are a hundred buns today ~!

White Rabbit: Great! Give me two!

39. Father and son take the bus.

son: dad, when will you arrive?

father: just stop.

son: when will it stop?

father: stop when you arrive.

4. A man and a tiger were tied to two big trees, and there was a candle under the rope that tied the tiger. If the rope was burned, the tiger would eat the man. As a result, the man said a word and was not eaten by the tiger.

He said, "happy birthday! ！” The tiger blew out the candle ...

41. The wolf was just lovelorn. When he was foraging, he passed by a hut and heard a man lecturing his child: "If you cry again, you will be thrown out to feed the wolf. The child cried in the house all night, and the wolf stayed outside all night. When he got up in the morning, the wolf choked and said: Men, men are liars! ! !

42. The girl asked her boyfriend, "What do you like about me?"

Her boyfriend was entangled, "I, I, I like you to stay away from me."

43. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, but he didn't catch anything and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but still caught nothing and went home.

On the third day, when the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

If you dare to use carrot as bait again, I will crush you to death!

44. A certain gentleman was afraid to open his eyes when flying for the first time. After 15 minutes, he opened his eyes, looked out of the window and shouted, "Gee, flying so high, people are like ants!"

The neighbor said, "That's the ant. The plane hasn't taken off yet."

45. My girlfriend sent me a text message, "Let's break up!"

after a while, I received another message: "Sorry, it was sent by mistake! ！”

46. Sanmao went to the hair salon to have her hair done, and said to the stylist, Give me a braided hair. The stylist accidentally dropped a hair of Sanmao. Sanmao sighed and said, then it's good to split it. But the stylist accidentally dropped the root again. Sanmao saw the fire: Do you want me to have long hair?

47. Once upon a time, there was a soft candy. After walking in the street for a long time, it suddenly said, My feet are so soft.

48. Man: Do you like me?

female: guess.

male: yes!

W: Guess again.

49. A mental patient was writing something, and the doctor asked, "What are you writing?"

"Write a letter."

"To whom?"

"Me."

"What did you write?"

"Idiot, how can I know if I haven't received it yet! ?"

5 ... while ...

Child: He is undressing while wearing pants.

Teacher's comment: Is he going to undress? Still have to wear it?

Topic: Among them,

Children: One of my left feet is injured.

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede?

topic: one after another

children: after work, dad went home one after another.