Girlfriend humor jokes

1. An old and new humorous quotation: The authorities are obsessed with it, but bystanders dare not say it. The mountains never get too high, the water never gets too deep, and the money never gets too much. The official career is long and far away, I will take care of it up and down. After searching for her for thousands of times in the crowd, I suddenly looked back and saw that the person was at the luxury car. The Master said on the river: How polluted! The well water does not pollute the river water, but the river water pollutes the well water. Who is the rival of the heroes in the world? No! I am the leader.

2. The vast sky allows you to fly high, and you can tell beautiful stories. Kind children should chase them. Send humorous short messages to the little turtles!

3. Turtles The rabbit is racing, and the pig is the judge. Do you think the tortoise or the hare is faster?

4. The child is thinking about the issue of "heredity and environment". The mother interjected: This question is very simple. Everyone knows that if a child is like his father, it is genetic; if he is like his neighbor, it is environment.

5. Sleeping with a beautiful girl will make you excited to death; sleeping with an ugly girl will make life worse than death; sleeping with a hot girl will make you tired to death; sleeping with a lover will make you drunk and dreamy; sleeping with a supermodel will make you expensive; and your wife Sleep and play dead all night. Sleeping with a man hurts so much

6. Khrushchev visited the farm, and the reporter took a photo of him in a pigsty with pigs. In the newspaper the next day, there was a postscript next to it: The third person from the left is Comrade Khrushchev.

7. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the poop of the gibbon. The gibbon gently and carefully cleaned it and they fell in love. Others asked how they got together? The chimpanzee said with emotion: Ape dung! It’s all ape dung!

8. When the nurse saw a patient drinking in the ward, she walked over and whispered to him Said: "Be careful!" The patient smiled and said: "Baby."

9. A: "My wife and I had a big fight last night, and she gave us all the dishes in the house from the balcony." Throw it out, and the result..." B: "What was the result?" A: "This morning, the building where I live was surrounded by a group of scientists who specialize in studying flying saucers."

10. Marry Give it to me and I will flush your toilet with petroleum, bathe you with Pepsi-Cola, and take you to and from get off work with Boeing. Promise me?

11. There will be a meteor shower tonight. I heard that there will be a big pig flying from the sky. It's a pity that I have to go to sleep. You will be fine. There are so many people watching you fly. !

12. In the mid-1990s, my family bought a new TV set. It was several times larger than the previous one. Of course, the whole family was very happy to watch the big TV, especially grandma. I remember she asked my dad at the time: "Should the two announcers on the news network be able to watch the whole body this time?"

13. When you see an old man fall, help him. Emperor Kangxi said: You are one of ours, if you see someone fall, go and help him! If he blackmails you, don’t be afraid, Lao Jiu will bribe you, Lao Ba will defend you, and Thirteen will defend you. Take courage. If you lose the lawsuit, it doesn't matter. Old Ten and Fourteen will help you beat him up. If nothing else works, Old Four will ransack their house.

14. Are you crying? Are you stupid? Are your happy days gone? I have warned you not to be greedy and sleepy, but you just don’t listen. Now you should remember that pigs will be slaughtered when they reach a certain size.

15. In front of the ramen shop counter, a beautiful girl is waiting in line. When it came to her, the ramen master asked: Do you want thicker or thinner noodles? The girl replied: I will eat whatever you want.

16. The blue sky makes you special, and I miss you helplessly; the white clouds are lovely, and I miss you helplessly; the green wind makes you far away, and I am affectionate and waiting for you. ;The soft rain makes you romantic, I am thinking of you when I am lonely!

17. When the wolf comes, the pig's nest becomes a mess. Mother Pig arranges: the big pig blocks the door! The second pig blocks the window! When the wolf comes, the pig's nest becomes a mess. When she saw the little pig, the mother pig got angry and shouted: Third brother, stop reading the text messages! You have a lot of meat, go out and lure the wolf away.

18. Wolf pups are vegetarian from birth. Wolf parents and wolf mothers racked their brains to train their wolf cubs to hunt. Finally, the Sirius parents were delighted to see their son chasing the rabbit. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit and said fiercely: Boy! Hand over the carrot!

19. The husband held an orchid bowl and said to his wife very solemnly: "Don't throw the bowl again in the future. This The bowls were left by your mother. Now there are only two left. You threw the rest." The wife rolled her eyes at her husband and said, "Then don't be angry with me in the future. I was also left by my mother. I was the only one left.

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20. After the tiger read about the Three Kingdoms, he went to catch wild boars and saw that there was no pig in the pig nest. He touched his beard and said: "Empty City Strategy". When he turned around, he saw a dead pig on the animal trap and was shocked: " "Bitter meat trap", suddenly saw you again, overjoyed: "Oh, there is also a beauty trap"!

21. The teacher wanted the sports committee member to confirm whether all the girls in the class were here, so he said to him: "You Go and clear out all the girls in the class. "The sports committee was a little pervert and asked quickly: "Which one should I kiss?" The teacher said: "I know I want you to go!" (The relationship is already close)

22. Two dumplings got married. After seeing off the guests, the groom returned to the bedroom and found a meatball lying on the bed! The groom was shocked and asked where the bride was. The meatball shyly said: "I hate it, you won't recognize her if she takes off her clothes!" (a bit ambiguous)

23. Your *** is similar to Bin Laden’s, and the US has targeted it! Please take it off quickly, throw it into the water, and run naked ten kilometers away!

24 , Your eyes are like two stars in the sky: one big and one small; like the sixteenth moon, more white than black.

25. You can’t imagine that my wife loves to nag. To what extent! We went to Hainan for half a month last summer, and guess what? Even her teeth were tanned when we came back!

26. Do you have a TV there? Come on now. Look at CCTV Zhao Benshan being bombed to death, pol.ice blocked the Northeast, 19 people died, 11 were missing, and 1 was deceived!

27. You have the right to remain silent, but what you say will become Evidence that I am making trouble; you have the right to hire a lawyer to protect your personal safety during divorce; if you don’t have private money to do so, I will not provide the funds!

28. The young priest is walking in the forest, A big bear suddenly appeared. The priest ran away desperately, but the bear chased him. The priest accidentally stepped into a puddle and fell to the ground. In despair, he prayed to God: "Lord, turn this ferocious beast into a man." Be a devout Christian. ”

29. You eat yours, I eat yours, don’t eat mine, I just eat yours, and after eating yours, you go your way!

30 , The woman said: Why do you look so old-fashioned? The man said: If you like RMB, do you still care about the year it was issued? Female secretary: "Boss, your wife called, she said she wanted to be on the phone. Kiss you. Boss: "You collect it for me first, and come over and give it to me later."

31. It was his girlfriend’s birthday, and Shuai Guo spent a lot of money to buy a QQ number and give it to her. The number is 1314520, which means "I love you forever". After I bought it, I couldn't log in and it said the password was wrong. The handsome guy took a closer look and saw that the number was 1314250.

32. The mother-in-law is sewing a quilt on the bed, and the son and daughter-in-law are kneading dough in the kitchen. The son called: "Mom, what should I do if the noodles are thin?" Mother-in-law: "Add more noodles!" After a while, the daughter-in-law called: "Mom, what should I do if the noodles are dry?" The mother-in-law said: "Add water!" After a while, my son My daughter-in-law and I ran out of noodles! The mother-in-law yelled angrily: "You're so damn stupid! If I hadn't sewed myself into the quilt when I was sewing it, I would have gone down and kicked you two idiots to death!"

33. Marrying a wife is even worse. When I feel tired, I wash my feet, rub my legs and beat my back, and then sleep with them on the bed after beating them, as if I hate the old society and shed tears of bitterness!

34. When I was traveling, there was a temple in the scenic spot, so I stopped by the temple. When buying tickets, I asked if there were student tickets? As a result, the conductor's answer was super classic. He said: before Buddha, all living beings are equal, and there are no student tickets!

35. Go to your girlfriend’s house to play and have dinner with her dad. There were only three of us in the room. There was a very wretched-looking old man on the TV, and my girlfriend joked: "He looks like your dad!" I was eating without even looking up: "Looks like your dad!"

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