Who knows the jokes caused by mispronouncing?

1, five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, so I called the hundred-dollar bill:

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& gt& gt& gt "Hey! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

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& gt& gt& gt hundred-dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

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& gt& gt& gt "Tear it, you don't even have five dollars!"

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& gt& gt& gt3. A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

& gt& gt& gt magic lamp: "I can only realize one wish of you. Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

& gt& gt& gt man: "I want a wife ..."

& gt& gt& gt magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Say it.

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& gt& gt& gt man: "... cake."

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& gt& gt& gt4. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and played badminton.

& gt& gt& gt Mother Earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four sections and plays mahjong.

& gt& gt& gt Earthworm dad thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

& gt& gt& gt Mother Earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! "

& gt& gt& gt Father Earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football. "

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& gt& gt& gt5. Panda Man wants QJ Panda Girl, and Panda Girl struggles and resists to the death. Panda man said angrily after the failure:

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& gt& gt& gt "We are all going extinct ~ ~!"

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& gt& gt& gt 10, the tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

& gt& gt& gt The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, Come on, I'll carry you. ..

& gt& gt& gt Then, the snail came up. ..

& gt& gt& gt After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, Come up, too. ..

& gt& gt& gt So the ants came up. .

& gt& gt& gt When the ant comes up, he sees the snail on it and greets him.

& gt& gt& gt Do you know what the snail said?

& gt& gt& gt Snail said: Hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

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& gt& gt& gt 1 1. A man and a woman are eating.

& gt& gt& gt Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me?

& gt& gt& gt The boy took a look at the girl and went on eating dinner.

& gt& gt& gt The girl was very angry and asked: Do you love me or not?

& gt& gt& gt The boy finally said: Love.

& gt& gt& gt The girl asked again: Then how do you prove it?

& gt& gt& gt Suddenly, the boy took out 30 yuan money from his pocket.

& gt& gt& gt and ask the girl: Do you have ten dollars?

& gt& gt& gt The girl gave the boy ten yuan. ..

& gt& gt& gt The boys put forty yuan on the table.

& gt& gt& gt soon .....

& gt& gt& gt The girl was very angry and asked the boy: Do you want to prove that you love me or not?

& gt& gt& gt The boy said that I had been proved! ! !

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& gt& gt& gt forty is just around the corner!

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& gt>15, a day in the snack street.

& gt& gt& gt found a shop selling egg towers.

& gt& gt& gt each one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

& gt& gt& gt I asked the clerk, "Is this sold separately?"

& gt& gt& gt clerk: "No, it's from Japan."

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& gt>18, one day, a family caught fire.

& gt& gt& gt Both parents fled, leaving only one son inside.

& gt& gt& gt's mother is very nervous and makes a hullabaloo about outside.

& gt& gt& gt "Son ... what are you doing ... there's a fire, and you haven't come out yet ..."

& gt& gt& gt's son replied ... "I'm wearing socks ..."

& gt& gt& gt's mother said, "What socks should I wear when I catch fire ..."

& gt& gt& gt After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

& gt& gt& gt's mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ there's a fire, and you're still in there.

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& gt& gt& gt's son said, "I am taking off my socks."

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& gt>19 went fishing by the river alone.

& gt& gt& gt First, he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

& gt& gt& gt He had no choice but to change earthworms ~ and there was still no fish for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB ~ ~ and fell into the water.

& gt& gt& gt“* * * ~ ~ What to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! ! "

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& gt& gt& gt20. A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

& gt& gt& gt boss is American. He said to the Germans, "You have a good physique and are in charge of coolies. 」

& gt& gt& gt He said to the French, "You said you were an engineer in charge of the mining plan. 」

& gt& gt& gt To the Japanese, he said, "You are very thin. You are in charge of supply. 」

& gt& gt& gt Then every other week, they start to work.

& gt& gt& gt A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

& gt& gt& gt& gt work.

& gt& gt& gt When the Germans started working, the Japanese suddenly jumped out.

& gt& gt& gt shout out:

& gt& gt& gt "Surprise! 」

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& gt& gt& gt24. "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

& gt& gt& gt "Please come with me," the doctor took the patient outside and asked, pointing to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?

& gt& gt& gt& gt what "

& gt& gt& gt "The sun." The patient replied.

& gt& gt& gt "How far do you want to see!"

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& gt& gt& gt25. One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The>& gt& gt snake said, "I'm too young to fart like this. It must be a cow. 」

& gt& gt& gt Niu said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." 」

& gt& gt& gt Pig said, "People who fart will blush. 」

& gt& gt& gt Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and knocked the pig away, saying, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」

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& gt& gt& gt26. One day, a man met God. ..

& gt& gt& gt God suddenly kindly gave that man a wish. ....

& gt& gt& gt God asked ...

& gt& gt& gt Do you have any wishes? ...

& gt& gt& gt The man thought about it. ...

& gt& gt& gt I heard that cats have nine lives. ...

& gt& gt& gt Then please give me nine lives. ..

& gt& gt& gt God said, ..

& gt& gt& gt Your wish has come true. ....

& gt& gt& gt One day, this man was idle and bored. ...

& gt& gt& gt If you want to say death, forget it. ...

& gt& gt& gt has nine lives anyway.

& gt& gt& gt is lying on the track. ....

& gt& gt& gt As a result, a train passed by. ....

& gt& gt& gt that man is still dead. ...

& gt& gt& gt Why is this?

& gt& gt& gt because that train has 10 cars. ...

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& gt& gt& gt30. One day, three people came to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ...

The manager of>& gt& gt funeral parlour was puzzled and asked the police: Why do people's faces look like this after death?

& gt& gt& gt The policeman said that this is ... it's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... he and his wife are in the spring night. ..

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& gt& gt& gt& gt's most passionate moment .. I can't stand it .. Hang up the phone.

& gt& gt& gt administrator replied: Alas ... I wish I could die under the flower ... It's romantic to be a ghost ... How did the middle one die?

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& gt& gt& gt policeman: The man in the middle ... is really a human tragedy ... He is walking on the road ... and suddenly he hears his own voice.

& gt& gt Looking from a height or a distance

& gt& gt& gt& gt first prize. The prize money is over 700 million. ..

& gt& gt& gt I was so happy when I laughed ... but I was hit by an oncoming car ... and I died. ...

& gt& gt& gt administrator replied: Alas ... he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... What's left?

& gt& gt& gt& gt how about this one?

& gt& gt& gt policeman: ... It's a pity that he died ... He was killed by lightning while climbing a tree.

The>& gt& gt administrator replied: ... This is a bit wrong. Why do you laugh when you are struck by lightning? ...

& gt& gt& gt The policeman said: Because he climbed the tree and thought ... suddenly there was a flash of lightning. .....

& gt& gt& gt, he thought, someone is taking pictures of him. .....

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& gt& gt& gt3 1, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

& gt& gt& gt It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...

& gt& gt& gt Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. Once, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought them with him.

& gt& gt& gt& gt This couple will ...

Halfway through the>& gt& gt sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious, so she ran behind a tree to solve it.

& gt& gt& gt This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the Jade Emperor.

& gt& gt& gt The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. When the male dog saw it,

& gt& gt& gt& gt is very scared. ...

& gt& gt& gt From then on, every time a male dog urinates under a tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.

& gt& gt& gt In case the tree falls down by itself. ...

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& gt& gt& gt35. A middle-aged woman ran to the traffic police and said:

& gt& gt& gt "A boring person has been following me. 」

& gt& gt& gt The policeman looked at her face, looked at her figure and said:

& gt& gt& gt "I think he may be drunk for a while, but he will be fine soon! 」

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& gt& gt& gt37. In the theater, a performance is going on.

& gt& gt& gt An audience stood up and walked into the toilet along a row of seats.

& gt& gt& gt A few minutes later, he came back.

& gt& gt& gt asked the first audience in this row:

& gt& gt& gt "Excuse me, did I just step on your foot? 」

& gt& gt& gt "Yes, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't hurt now. 」

& gt& gt& gt "No, I just want to make sure whether I am sitting in this row. 」

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& gt& gt& gt38. A group of great scientists played hide-and-seek in heaven after their death. It's Einstein's turn to arrest people. He counted to 100 and opened his eyes.

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& gt& gt& gt& gt eyes, I saw everyone hiding, only Newton was still standing there.

> > > Einstein walked over and said, "Newton, I got you."

& gt& gt& gt Newton: "No, you didn't catch Newton."

> > > Einstein: "You are not Newton. Who are you? "

& gt& gt& gt Newton: "What do you see under my feet?"

& gt& gt& gt Einstein looked down and saw Newton standing on a square floor tile with a width of one meter each, puzzled.

& gt& gt& gt Newton: "This is a square meter under my feet. I stand on it, it is Newton/square meter, you grab it. "

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& gt& gt& gt& gt is not Newton, but Pascal. "

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& gt& gt& gt39. Woman: Say "I love you", say it, come on! Say it!

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& gt& gt& gt man: It!

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& gt& gt& gt40. One day, a kangaroo was driving on a country road, and suddenly he saw a white rabbit in the middle of the road, with several ears and a body.

& gt& gt& gt& gt almost completely on the ground seems to be listening to something. ...

& gt& gt& gt So .. Kangaroo stopped the car and asked curiously, "What are you listening to, White Rabbit?"

& gt& gt& gt "A big truck passed here half an hour ago ..."

& gt& gt& gt "Wow ... so God! .. how do you know? "

& gt& gt& gt "he NN! That's how my neck and legs were broken.

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& gt& gt& gt4 1, Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, and time waits for no one.

& gt& gt& gt A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

& gt& gt& gt Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

& gt& gt& gt A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

& gt& gt& gt Apa: "It will be the days of the elderly in a few decades."

& gt& gt& gt A song: "In a few decades."

& gt& gt& gt appa: ". Tomb-Sweeping Day. "

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& gt& gt& gt42. Zorro's death

& gt& gt& gt One day, Zorro went to his mistress's house to meet her. The hostess asked Zorro, "What should I do when my husband comes back?"

& gt& gt& gt& gt do it.

& gt& gt& gt "Zorro said," It's all right. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window, my horse.

& gt& gt& gt& gt will be in the

& gt& gt& gt, I'm next. "

& gt& gt& gt The hostess said that if I heard three knocks at the door, my husband would come back.

& gt& gt& gt Zorro said: I see.

& gt& gt& gt After a while, it rained. Suddenly there were three knocks at the door: knock, knock, knock. It's late.

& gt& gt& gt& gt, then

& gt& gt& gt Yes, Zorro flew out of bed and jumped out of the window in the blink of an eye. When the hostess saw Zorro leave,

& gt& gt& gt& gt then open the door.

& gt& gt& gt I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her, "Tell Zorro that it's raining outside and I'm upstairs."

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& gt& gt& gt is waiting for him on the road. "

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& gt& gt& gt44. The fat girl asked the racecourse manager: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

& gt& gt& gt Librarian: It's not a camel, it's the horse you rode last time. ...

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& gt& gt& gt45, the traffic police reprimanded: Son of a bitch, are you still driving with a red eye after drinking?

& gt& gt& gt Crab, crossing the road again?

& gt& gt& gt Kangaroo, don't ride with children in the future!

& gt& gt& gt Tortoise, who told you to take the fast lane?

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& gt& gt& gt46. There was an unfortunate man. He was badly injured at work, leaving only a middle finger of his right hand, but his bad luck has just begun.

& gt& gt& gt& gt, every time he stretched out his right hand, someone hit him.

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& gt& gt& gt47. A young lion and an old lion came to the zoo, in the same cage.

& gt& gt& gt breeders always give the little lion a banana every time they come to feed, while the old lion is a big piece of meat.

& gt& gt& gt The little lion thinks, maybe I'm new here. Don't worry too much.

& gt& gt& gt Three months later, the little lion finally couldn't hold back and asked the administrator, why did I bring three?

& gt& gt& gt& gt Why do you still only eat bananas?

& gt& gt& gt The administrator replied: Because you are the vacancy of the monkey.

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& gt& gt& gt48. The story that happened the day before yesterday:

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& gt& gt& gt A mouse was chased by a cat and strayed into a flower shop. Seeing that there was no way out, the mouse picked up a bunch of roses as a weapon.

& gt& gt& gt& gt, as tenacious resistance. ...

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The>& gt& gt cat was startled and immediately lowered its head and said shyly, you damn fool, it's so sudden.

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& gt& gt& gt Patient: Doctor, I have a hearing problem. I'm almost half deaf.

Dr.>& gt& gt: All right! You repeat what I said! ......88。

& gt& gt& gt patient: 44.

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& gt& gt& gt50. An advertisement posted by a dairy merchant:

& gt& gt& gt "If you drink a glass of milk every day for 1200 months, you will live to 100!"

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& gt& gt& gt5 1 Customer: "Is this bulletproof vest safe?"

& gt& gt& gt boss: "Of course, I have sold so many, and no one has ever returned them."

& gt& gt& gt Customer: "What if I wear it and get killed?"

& gt& gt& gt boss: "Then I promise to refund your money."

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& gt& gt& gt52. A patient who just woke up after surgery asked, "What's wrong with me?"

Dr.>& gt& gt replied, "You had an accident and just had an operation."

& gt& gt& gt "So I'm in the hospital?" The patient said.

Dr.>& gt& gt replied, "To be precise, most of you are in the hospital."

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& gt& gt& gt53. The police officer who executed the death penalty walked into the cell and announced the order to the prisoner while shaking his raincoat.

& gt& gt& gt The prisoner said in surprise: It's raining so hard to go to the execution ground?

Officer & gt& gt& gt said, what do you have to complain about? I have to come back in the rain!

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& gt& gt& gt54. The centipede was bitten by a snake and sent to the hospital for emergency treatment. After diagnosis, the doctor said: for the spread of anti-virus liquid, it must be amputated!

& gt& gt& gt centipede thought: Fortunately, I have many legs!

Dr.>& gt& gt comforted: Relax, brother, you will be an earthworm in the future.

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& gt& gt& gt55.w: Tomorrow is my birthday. What gift will you give me?

& gt& gt& gtm: Same as last year.

& gt& gt& gtw: What did you give me last year?

& gt& gt& gtm: Same as the year before last.

& gt& gt& gtw: When was the year before last?

& gt& gt& gt male: I didn't know you the year before last, so I didn't send anything.

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& gt& gt& gt56. A man went to the company to apply for a job.

& gt& gt& gt The recruiter asked him: What can you do?

& gt& gt& gt The man replied, I don't know what I can do, but my former boss said I can only do two things ~ ~ ~

& gt& gt& gt recruiters asked with interest: What are two things you can't do?

& gt& gt& gt M: My former boss told me that it is not possible here, nor there. ..

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& gt& gt& gt57. There is a Grenade.

& gt& gt& gt One day it was finished.

& gt& gt& gt Clean its teeth.

& gt& gt& gt Suddenly I found a thorn between my teeth.

& gt& gt& gt It's hard to pull out.

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& gt& gt& gt ... It exploded. ....

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& gt& gt& gt58. Man: Marry me! I love you! I can't live without you!

& gt& gt& gt female: No, my mother will be unhappy. She said you were so worthless.

& gt& gt& gt M: Oh, if you don't promise, I will die in front of you! With that, he picked up a pistol.

& gt& gt& gtw: Just a moment, please. I'll ask my mother.

& gt& gt& gt man: Hey, hey, I knew it would work.

& gt& gt& gt female: My mother said that I was an adult and could watch such a bloody scene.

& gt& gt& gt man: ...

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& gt& gt& gt59. The father and his little son are standing in front of the tiger cage in the zoo.

& gt& gt& gt The father told his son how ferocious the tiger was, and the son listened with a serious face.

& gt& gt& gt "Dad!" The son finally said it! "If the tiger rushes out of the cage and eats you ..."

& gt& gt& gt "What are you going to do, son?" Father asked expectantly.

& gt& gt& gt "So, which bus should I take home?" The boy raised his face and asked his father.