Does anyone know the lines for the kung fu skit?

Line of the skit "Kung Fu"

Zhao Benshan: I heard that he is not a chef, but has switched to an anti-scam hotline. How dare he threaten to never be deceived again? The cruel reality has become clear. It forces my psychological defense. If I don’t sell him something this year, I won’t be able to fulfill the topic I promised for three years to the audience.

Apprentice 1: Master, go in!

Zhao: Don’t worry, make a harassing call first. (phone call) Got through. Hello!

Fan Wei: Hello. Here is the anti-scam consultation hotline to lend you a pair of eyes. I am Lao Fan, a senior scammer. With many years of scam experience, I can make a clear judgment on whether you have been scammed: if someone is selling abductions, please press 1; if someone is selling a car, please press 2; If someone has a brain teaser, please press 3; if someone sells a stretcher, just dial 110.

Zhao: Hello!

Fan: Hello!

Zhao: Are you Master Fan?

Fan: Who are you?

Zhao: I am... I have a question that I would like to ask you directly.

Fan: Well, you say.

Zhao: I have an old sow at home, with white flowers on the black ground. She opened the door in the morning and ran forward at a speed of 80 pulses per hour. She hit a tree and died. !

Fan: Killed? Is there something wrong with this pig’s eyesight?

Zhao: Both eyes are 1.5.

Fan: Do you have any mental illness?

Zhao: Is your mental health healthy?

Fan: How could you be killed?

Zhao: That pig’s brain doesn’t know how to make sharp turns!

Fan: I said you don’t play by the rules! For brain teasers, you have to press 3! In that case, let me ask you a question.

Zhao: You said it.

Fan: It’s the Chinese New Year. Our family didn’t buy any new year’s goods, except for a pig and a donkey. Do you think I should kill the pig first or the donkey first?

Zhao: Then you kill first... (Talking to the apprentice) Give you two a chance.

Apprentice 1: Kill the donkey first.

Zhao: Kill the donkey first.

Fan: Congratulations, you got the answer right. The pig thinks so too.

Zhao: Sample! sorrow! It makes me feel so sad for you! Now that I am about to venture into the world alone, how can I feel at ease?

Apprentice 2: Master, just kill the pig first.

Zhao: That donkey thinks so too! Let me tell you, on this issue, it won't work if you kill whoever you first. Why didn't I answer? Just because I think about it is problematic. Did you see it? He has grown from being a muscle at both ends to being blocked at both ends!

Apprentice 1: Master, he is so powerful, let’s go back!

Zhao: Can’t go back! Selling crutches deceived him into lameness; selling cars deceived him into becoming weak; if he is not dealt with within ten minutes, I will no longer be able to be a teacher with you two.

The disciples all said: The master brought me in, it’s just me who is fooling me!

Zhao: OK. Just follow my cues and go in! He's so beautiful!

Apprentice: Excuse me, is Master Fan here?

Fan: Who? I'd like to ask you for advice... (Looking at Zhao) Oops! oops! ah! ah! ah! ...What kind of look is this? Quite unique! Very 6 7? ! How did the all-powerful liar end up in this situation? Heaven, earth, is it the angel sister who gave me this tone? The pig hit the tree, did you hit the pig? It was a rear-end collision, right? Why did it change to three again?

Zhao: It’s been three years and I’ve missed you so much.

Fan: Flirting!

Zhao: I am here to confess to you.

Fan: Go ahead and cheat!

Zhao: My apprentice is the witness.

Fan: They formed a group to fool me. It's not easy to use, it's a huge scam. As long as we kind people are more vigilant towards you, what else will you do? A few brain teasers coming soon? There is one monkey on the ground and seven monkeys on the tree. These are two monkeys, or maybe eight monkeys.

Zhao: Maybe three monkeys, maybe nine monkeys.

Fan: Why has it changed again?

Zhao: A monkey is pregnant.

Fan: Is it interesting?

Zhao: Boring. I'm not here to give you a brainteaser in the early stages. I'm here to apologize to you as a gift. For three years, the person I feel most sorry for in this world is Chef Fan. What a nice guy. I often tell you, why do you think I lied to him? How loyal and honest you are, you say something about me, you hit me twice, but you can't do it. You scold me a few words, but you can't open your mouth. In this way, anyway, I will come if you forgive me, and if you don’t forgive me, I will come. If you forgive me or not, I will come with sincerity.

Fan: Yeah yeah! Still blowing. You see, cheating, hey, keep cheating.

Zhao: Help me up.

Fan: Can you stand up? Yeah yeah yeah. Go, take two steps. Take two steps, come, go. Hey, is that blackmail? Is it blackmail? Everyone is watching. Whatever accident happens has nothing to do with me. Why are you always hanging lanterns? Do you always stand up? If you have anything to do, please tell me quickly, okay?

Zhao: Do ??you want to hear it?

Fan: I want to hear it.

Zhao: Do ??you believe it after listening to it?

Fan: I will believe you as long as you stand up.

Zhao: Then withdraw, I can stand up.

Fan: Humph, tell me.

Zhao: It’s a long story. I remember it was the first snow in 2003, which was a little later than the one in 2002.

Fan: What are you doing with the lyrics? If you have anything to say, please tell me directly.

Zhao: I won’t play tricks with you anymore. I’m here to apologize to you today.

Zhao: Loading the goods! Does it look familiar?

Fan: Is this the hundreds of dollars you defrauded me of?

Fan: Not a penny was moved.

Fan: Which watch is this?

Zhao: When you wear it on your hand, there is no sign of it.

Fan: This, brother----

Zhao: The grudge between the two of us should be settled, right? And it, this wheelchair is the culprit that has delayed the relationship between the two of us in the past few years. Today I have to smash it in front of you.

Apprentice: Master, you can’t smash it. Master, this wheelchair is a testimony that your two brothers are getting back together.

Zhao: Don’t talk nonsense, I can’t pull me away.

Apprentice: Master, ouch, Master!

Fan: Brother, if you want to hit me, just hit me. Brother, you are so sincere! The children are right, it is not only a testimony of our reconciliation, but also a warning for me to avoid being fooled in the future. I have collected it.

Zhao: No, the students paid me to make it, how can you collect it?

Fan: Okay, I’ll give you more money.

Zhao: How much did it cost?

Apprentice: Two thousand.

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: I’ll give you two thousand and five.

Fan: Me, three thousand.

Zhao: Me, three thousand and five.

Fan: I have four thousand.

Zhao: I have five thousand.

Fan: Deal.

Zhao: You are Chef Fan. Hey hey.

Fan: You shouted five thousand, I won’t, it’s a deal!

Zhao: That’s not right. You remembered it wrong. Why did you shout?

Sheng: I heard it was Chef Fan who shouted.

Fan: What, what?

Student: No, the master shouted.

Zhao: It’s a mess. That's it, it doesn't matter who shouts. You see, let's take a look, it's a bit chaotic, who shouted first?

Fan: I shouted first.

Zhao: How much did you shout?

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: Me, two thousand and five.

Fan: Three thousand.

Zhao: Three thousand and five.

Fan: Four thousand.

Zhao: Four thousand and five.

Fan: Five thousand.

Zhao: Look, it’s clear.

Fan: Hey, it’s a bit messy, a bit messy.

Zhao: Do ??the math again.

Fan: Don’t talk to anyone. I’ll figure it out myself.

Zhao: You just messed up on your own.

Fan: Stop talking, two thousand, two thousand and five, three thousand, three thousand and five, four thousand, four thousand and five, five thousand, hey

Zhao: Just wait. On the contrary, it was you who asked for two thousand.

Fan: Two thousand, two thousand five, three thousand.

Zhao: No.

Fan: Two thousand, two thousand and five, three thousand, three thousand and five, four thousand, four thousand and five, five thousand.

Zhao: Yes.

Fan: Oops.

Sheng: I remembered wrongly, it was you who shouted.

Fan: No, no, brother, after I shout four thousand, you can just shout five thousand, right?

Audience: Yes!

Zhao: That’s it, it’s a mess. Since we brothers, you agree to collect it, let’s shout it again, right? Let’s understand who is shouting these five thousand. What's the starting price?

Born: two thousand.

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: (falling vertebrae) Deal! No more chaos this time.

Fan: Are you going to stop shouting?

Zhao: I’m afraid of causing chaos again.

Sheng: It was you who shouted this time.

Fan: Hey, okay, don’t move, don’t move, this wheelchair is mine, don’t move, I’ll pay you, two thousand.

Zhao: Brother, logically you shouldn’t ask for money, but you want face, and you want face, right? It shouldn't matter what you want, but it's not your character not to give it.

Fan: I was fooled if I gave it to you.

Zhao: Fooled? Let me tell you, at all, I didn’t think about it from the beginning...

Fan: I snatched it instead.

Zhao: You misunderstood. I want to ask you for...

Fan: Stop pretending. From the moment you entered the room, you used the trick of playing hard to get, master. The gangster cooperated with the plan to smash the car, and the plan to suddenly fall off the vertebrae in a daze, I only used one plan.

Zhao: Take advantage of the situation.

Fan: I’ll give you a trick.

Zhao: Walking is the best strategy.

Fan: No!

Zhao: It failed. Do you know why it failed? This chef doesn't read the recipe, but focuses on the art of war. Retreat!

Apprentice: (Xiang Fan) Master!

Fan: Hey, master, master

Zhao: What are you doing? Where are you kneeling? I'm here. What are you two doing? What are you doing?

Apprentice: Master, I’m so sorry. Your IQ is too low for this bluff, and I can’t learn anything from you. What are you supposed to do? Go quickly. You won't be able to catch the No. 2 bus in a while.

Zhao: Oops!

Apprentice: The master is here, please bow to me!

Zhao: Oh my god, oh my god, this world is so crazy, mice have become bridesmaids to cats, oh my god!

Apprentice: Master! Please accept us!

Fan: Hey, children, there is no cliff in the sea of ??suffering, but when you turn around, you just have to learn well. It is the Chinese New Year, I will give you red envelopes, give you red envelopes.

Zhao: Sad, indeed sad. Can you two ask for this money? Didn't I pay you two wages last month? sorrow!

Fan: Come on, one for each person, keep it in hand.

Zhao: Sad

Apprentice: Master Xie

Fan: Oh, no, you’re welcome

Apprentice: Master, Master, Take it!

Zhao: Counter-treacherous plan.

Fan: Oh, it’s hard to guard against! But it’s a big liar, I don’t accept it. You fool me, fool me, am I still in a wheelchair?

Zhao: What do you want?

Fan: What is your promise to the audience?

Zhao: What promise?

Fan: Where is your stretcher?

Zhao: Develop it yourself!

Fan: Hey!

Zhao: This is custom-made for you. If it is short, it can be lengthened.

Fan: Oops, you worked so hard for me. Thanks to my outsmarting you, I opened the red envelope. It’s the Chinese New Year, and I’d like to give you a couplet:

One year of turning around will bring about another year of destiny

Every time you go through a hardship, you will gain wisdom. Thank you

Zhao: I’ll do it again Let me give you a horizontal review

Self-taught!