One hundred cold jokes in ancient and modern times

One hundred cold jokes in ancient and modern times

Confucius' wonderful answer and the portrait of a great official are the funniest jokes. Let's have fun together.

Portrait of a great official

An official asked the painter to draw himself. The painter painted his portrait truthfully. When he saw it, he flew into a rage and scolded the painter, saying, I saw you draw a tiger the day before yesterday and put gold foil on your eyes. A big official like me, why don't you give me a pair of gold eyes?

Sacrifice Zhenwu

Jia Sidao entertained the guests, and the chef served a pot of steaming turtle soup.

A guest refused to eat and said, I have always believed in and worshipped Zhenwu Bodhisattva (the god worshipped by Taoism). That turtle is like the tortoise in the Bodhisattva case, and doesn't eat.

There is sugar cane in the soup, and another guest also said: No, because I have always believed in and worshipped Zhenwu Bodhisattva. Isn't that cane like a flagpole in front of a bodhisattva?

Laughter broke out at the party.

Public toilet

Wu from Sichuan likes telling jokes. One day, a neighbor built a new house. He congratulated him: This house is really nice (temple).

The master said: to be a temple? Don't! This is just a public toilet.

Wu asked: Why do you say that?

The host smiled: it's not a toilet. Why do you fart as soon as you enter the door?

Lizhangyi fish

Zhang Li was invited to a neighbor's house for dinner. This neighbor has always been stingy. When eating, he put a big fish in front of him so that the guests couldn't catch it.

Zhang Li asked: Every time I see someone else writing something? Sue? (Su's complicated writing style), is it average? Fish? Written on the right, and the general? Fish? It is written on the left. What is the reason?

Neighbor replied: the ancients wrote casually, so it is better to move left and right.

Zhang Li moved the big fish in front of him and said, Then the fish on your left might as well move to my right today.

Hard kill half price

There is a customer who wants to buy Suzhou goods. Someone taught him that Suzhou people always kill half the price when they buy things. No matter how much he bargains, you won't suffer if you cut it halfway. The customer nodded again and again.

Sure enough, he went to a silk shop to buy silk materials, and whoever bargained for two taels of silver, he bargained for one or two taels; If he bargains 125 yuan, he bargains 7 yuan 50 cents.

The shopkeeper was very angry and sarcastically said, well, don't buy it either. The store will give you two horses as gifts.

The customer gave a military salute and said, no, the student (who boasted of being a scholar in the Ming and Qing imperial examinations, expressing humility) just wanted a horse.

The tailor answered the question.

An official couldn't understand the sentences in the book, so he asked his subordinates: Is there any talent in this place?

The subordinate mistakenly heard that he was a tailor with a surname of Gao, so he replied: Yes. Then call the senior tailor in.

The official asked him: What do you mean by being poor but not embarrassed (being poor but not flattering the rich)?

Answer: A skirt without wrinkles (wrinkles on clothes) is unacceptable.

One more question: What does it mean to be rich but not arrogant?

Answer: pants without waist are not acceptable.

The official was furious and scolded, Go!

Gao tailor said, if it is wrinkled, I'll iron it with an iron at once.

The quilt is too hot.

Sleeping alone with a quilt on a hot day. Asked why he covered the quilt, he said: Because the quilt is too hot.

Confucius' wonderful answer

Two pedants who believe in Confucianism will quarrel as soon as they meet: one boasts that he is true Confucianism, and the other says that the other is a fake Confucian scholar.

They argued endlessly, so they went to consult Confucius together.

Confucius walked down the steps, bowed to them and said, the content of Confucianism I advocate is very wide. Why are the specific arguments the same? I have always admired the fact that both old gentlemen are true Confucians. Is there a fake one? Both of them are happy to leave.

Disciple asked: Why does the teacher flatter them?

Confucius replied: this group of people just need to coax them away, and it is not worth talking to them.

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