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Super violent and super awesome B’s classic funny quotes that break your stomach with laughter

1. When a couple is having sex, the man always likes to say: I’m going to kill you! Suddenly, after not seeing each other for a few days, the woman found the man’s work unit, and the man asked: Is something wrong? The woman said softly: It's okay, I just don't want to live anymore

2. A woman is so ugly that even ghosts run away after seeing her. A poor designer made it into a New Year picture. The slogan reads: Hang it on the door to avoid evil; hang it on the bedside to prevent pregnancy! This designer won a prize and entered the well-off class.

3. A mosquito enters the city and is very hungry. Seeing a young lady with high breasts, she dived in and bit into it. Her mouth was full of silicone, so she looked up to the sky and sighed: Alas, food safety is such a problem! Where can I find breast milk?

4. The farmer went to the city to buy condoms and forgot what condoms were. I wandered around the drugstore counter for a long time and still couldn't remember it. Finally, I had to ask the saleswoman in a low voice: Miss, do you sell plastic bags for jj?

5. A certain gentleman stayed in a hotel and called the bar in the middle of the night: How much does the cheapest girl cost? Answer: One hundred, but ugly, five hundred for beautiful. A certain gentleman said he wanted to be ugly. After the young lady came, a gentleman asked her to sit naked on the sofa, then went to bed and slept soundly until dawn. The young lady asked in confusion: Why did you ask me to come? Someone answered: There are too many mosquitoes in the room! (This story shows that as long as I change my mind, any resource can be used for my use.)

6. A group of women were waiting for a B-ultrasound examination. The nurse shouted: It’s ready, color B’s stand on the left; black and white B’s The station is on the right. One woman didn't understand, so she lifted up her skirt and took off her underwear, and asked the nurse: What do you think mine is? The nurse said angrily: You are a jerk! !

7. The hen complained to the bull: Humans ask me to lay more eggs, but I plan to have children. This is so unfair! The old bull said: What the hell are you talking about? People all over the world drink my wife’s milk, who the hell calls me daddy!

8. A blind couple agreed on a secret code for sex, and the man said: play cards. The woman said: Start. The young man next door often hears cards being played and wonders how a blind man can play cards. So I took a peek and saw that it was like this. One day, a young man sneaked into the blind man's house while he was out and said to the blind woman: "Play cards." The blind woman said: Start. So the two of them had sex. The young man has great abilities, and at the climax, the blind woman repeatedly praised: "Good cards." At night, the blind man wanted to play cards with his wife again. The blind woman said: Didn't you play cards once during the day? When the blind man heard this, he was anxious and angry, and exclaimed: No, someone stole the sign!

9. The female leader returned home at night and was suddenly picked up by two men in the car. One man threatened: Be honest, you are a pervert. When the female leader heard this, she laughed and cursed: Damn it, such a happy thing made me so nervous and scared to death. I thought I was being cheated!

10. The car married the train, but they divorced soon. Everyone asked why, and Qi Qi said sadly: He worries about me getting hit every day, and I am always afraid that he will cheat on me. I can't stand it!

11. The former director of a certain county did not have much ink in his stomach. A college student newly assigned to the bureau admired Lu Xun, so he put a photo of Lu Xun under the glass of his desk. After the director found out, he said to him with sincerity: Young people, you should learn more about the works of Marxism-Leninism and Chairman Mao; if you want to display their photos, you should also display their photos. How can you put your grandfather here?

12. In the countryside, a little boy was sweating profusely and pulling a cow. Tourists passing by asked curiously: "Where are you going to take the cows?"

"Go to the neighboring village to mate with the cows."

"Your father cannot do such a thing Do you want to do it? "

The boy shook his head repeatedly: "No, it must be a bull! "

13. The village announced: "artificial insemination" of sows. The aunt led the sow to the yard of the veterinary station. The veterinarian comrade pointed to the patio and told the aunt, "Tie it there and take it back later."

The aunt saw that the patio was dirty and hesitated. After a while, he asked: "Is it good here? How about I go and bring you some straw."

"No, no, no, it will be fine in no time."

After a while, the aunt went to get the sows, and the comrade said to her: "Okay! This time, we guarantee a litter of twelve."

The aunt looked puzzled and said: "Twelve pigs are good, but they all look like gays when they are born. How can you sell this pig? "

15. My sister was on a business trip. My brother-in-law and his sister-in-law were chatting in the living room in the evening. My brother-in-law asked: "How much money do you have after tax?" My sister-in-law blushed and whispered: "You still need money for sleeping with your brother-in-law! ”

16. Thoughts on the U.S. election situation: If Hillary is elected President of the United States, Clinton will be the most happy--he has been the President of the United States for 8 years and can be the President of the United States for at least 4 years!

17. In the late period of the Cultural Revolution, the police, procuratorate, and law had not been restored and improved, and arrests were all subject to the approval of the director with a pen. We had a young policeman who was getting married, and he wrote a report to the director who was playing cards with a big pen. With a wave of his hand, he signed four words: Agree to arrest!

18. When Mr. C came back from traveling in Hainan, I asked him if he had gone to the Wanquan River. He said that he had gone and saw many women’s soldiers. I added in my ear: They are all yellow!

19. A medical student went to a rural hospital for an internship and did not know how to speak rural dialect. One time, he saw a sister-in-law and told her not to have sex with her husband. My sister-in-law didn't understand. After explaining for a long time, she still emphasized: "My husband's surname is Zheng!" "Super classic funny quotes

Super classic funny quotes

1. You must come online to me tonight, otherwise, I will write your name on the monument.

< p> 2. My advantage is: I am very handsome; but my disadvantage is: I am not too handsome.

3. Agent A: I will be lenient if I confess, but I will be lenient if I resist. What is your name? Zeng Xiaoxian: My name is Jackie Chan. Agent A: Why don't you call me Chen Zhen? Tell me, what's your name? Zeng Xiaoxian: My name is Chen Zhen... I said, my name is Brother Zeng. My name is Brother Zeng, you believe me!

4.: The method of "counting sheep" was introduced from abroad. The pronunciation of "sheep" in English is Sheep, which is very similar to Sleep. There will be psychological cues. But how do Chinese people use psychological cues? I have a new one that is more direct and effective - counting dumplings - sleeping. This is the Chinese psychological cues!

5. After all, he is a man, and he screams like a little Shenyang.

6. From the big bang to the collapse of the universe, I will never find anyone more shameless than you. **.

7. Our credibility, credibility and reputation have always been the first priority!

8. I am not a celebrity, I am just a celebrity

9. If you are careful, I am worried. If you are caring, I will be happy. If you are heartless, I will be sad. A blessing from my heart, your moon, New Year. The blessings are sincere. 56. That makes sense. Let me count how many people listen to your program. One, two, three, four... What is 6 billion times 0? 10. What if? If my relationship fails, it will be the other person lying on the ground.

11. As the saying goes, if you are not afraid of a leader who is like a donkey, you are afraid of a subordinate who is like a pig.

12. You are. What seat is that?

13. Close the door and let Xiaoxian

14. You are more Donnie Yen than Jet Li

15. You How can you say that his brain is wet? The premise is that he must have a brain.

16. The three cobblers are so stinking

17. I am Brother Zeng. I told you to believe me.

18. Opportunities came to me like raindrops, but I avoided them one by one. 19. I am a good man. Zeng Xiaoxian

20. A sturdy life requires no explanation!

21. Question: What are the four most popular sentences spoken by Monk Sha in Journey to the West? Answer: 1. Senior brother, the master was captured by the monster 2. Senior brother, the second senior brother was captured by the monster 3. Senior brother, the master and the second senior brother were captured by the monster 4. Second senior brother, the master was captured by the monster

22. Life is like a drama, one person loves one, and another one gets married and has children. Very normal.

23. If the left eye jumps, the peach blossom will bloom; if the right eye jumps, the chrysanthemum will bloom.

24. I will definitely be chopped into potato chips.

25. Let’s face it, life is often much more tasteful than those idol dramas.

26. Help me cut the carrots into cubes.

27. What is your identity? You have an ID card

28. You chat with them until midnight every day, how can they have time to create humans?

29. Bet with me, not to see what you want, but to see what I have...

30. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning

31. What is the difference between this and reincarnation directly? !

32. Is this a turning point? It's clearly the fracture point.

33. Now the uncooked rice has been cooked into porridge.

34. Death is not scary, sitting and waiting for death is scary.

35. Oh my god, I couldn’t even wash myself off after jumping into the Sea of ??Japan.

36. A strong life requires no explanation!

37. Hitting someone is not recommended. A slap in the face will destroy your self-esteem. We are brothers. As long as you dare to use violence against any one of us, the other two of us will call the police.

38. Quarrel is always bad, why not just have a duel?

39. Your head and butt are on the other side again, right?

40. If you are driving a car and Xiao Hong and Xiao Ming are sitting in the car, who is the owner of the car? Answer: Yes

41. You can escape the monk, but you cannot escape the abbot.

42. I can go to the hall, I can go to the kitchen, I can kill the wooden horse, I can climb the wall, I can drive a car, I can afford a bungalow, I can fight with the mistress, I can defeat the gangsters

43 .We are two ambitious young people standing on the street who are about to release their ideals

44. Question: A turtle got out of its shell, took it apart and built a new one, then got in and lived in it. Answer: : Calcium Zhonggai asked again: The turtle got out of its own shell, took apart its own shell and built a new one, then got in and lived in it, and took some health care products. Answer again: New cover in the cover. Question again: The turtle once again got out of its shell, dismantled it and built a new one, then got in and lived in it. After taking some health care products, answer again: Ju Neng Calcium

45. Your explanation is a cover-up, and what you cover up is the fact, and the fact is the beginning of sin

46. When you fall down and have only one bar of blood left, call Brother Xin Zeng three times and you will be resurrected on the spot.

47. Counting sheep was invented by foreigners because sheep and sleep are homophones and should be counted as dumplings

48. This is the road to success, but it is still under construction. Remember to wear Good safety hat

49. "As quiet as a virgin but as active as a mad rabbit."

50. "It is the duty of every citizen to despise you."

51. Say what you are unhappy about to make everyone happy

52. One seven makes seven, two seven forty-eight, March 8th Women’s Day, May 1st Labor Day, June 1st Children’s Day… …

53. Ten thousand and one million are the same, because I don’t have either!

54. Let me tell you, it is not a question of whether I will win an Oscar, but a question of...how many!

55. Zi Qiao: That was when I was in high school. One day I dreamed that I was taking an exam. Then I suddenly woke up. Something even more terrifying happened. It turned out that I really Taking exam!

56. The one who can fly is not necessarily a big bird, it may also be Li Ning 23. Ha, you just don’t understand the movie at first glance, "The Promise" is a horror story

57. Now Those who acted were all singing, those who couldn't sing were writing books, those who couldn't write books were acting, and those who couldn't act were singing again. The entertainment industry is a circle.

58. If Conan were alive, he would be angry like Kogoro Mouri if he didn't play by common sense.

59. Being narcissistic and mentally retarded is self-mutilation! Funny classic quotations that break your belly with laughter

1. Vulgarity is a kind of breakthrough, especially when elegance and nobleness don't work

2. Living in a snail's nest and living a useless life, I'm very angry

3. Don't always call me a beast. Get to know me better, and you will know that I am not as good as a beast.

4. A cold-faced person is ashamed of an adulterer, but he is willing to act like a cow under his skirt.

5. I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and I’m chewing Wangwang snow cakes more than others.

6. Cow dung is cow dung. No matter how fragrant you are, flowers usually won’t do it. Inserted in your body, because it is degrading to the sense of beauty

7. Cows are ordinary people, and cow organs are literati.

8. Why do we all give the darkness to the devil, because they are brave and not afraid of the dark

9. Lying is a man’s prerogative, and being deceived is a woman’s patent

10. I don’t like her, I like my script, but my script is that I deeply love her

11. When you chase the prince charming in your heart, The frog waiting for you is actually a prince and will be fished away

12. No matter what, don’t let your feelings sow seeds at will, otherwise they will take root and you will have to struggle to pull them out. The roots are deep. You can't pull it out even if you want to.

13. If only one person has to work hard to mix the relationship between two people, then in the end, the other bee will turn into a fly

14. Only after you have been drunk can you realize that you are stupid, and only after you have fallen in love can you understand what a fool is.

15. The reason why you cannot tolerate sand is because the sieve you use to select flour is too fine. Bear with me, I used the net to catch the big fish and let the small fish slip through

16. The happiness you lost is the chrysanthemum on your asshole. Often you can only catch it when you have diarrhea. I think it looks particularly brilliant

17. Being ugly is not your fault, and being stupid is not your fault, but making the most of your ugliness and stupidity cannot be used to flaunt your great achievements. Be humble

18. You are a very kind person, especially when you feel sorry for others

19. Feelings are like buying stocks. If you choose junk stocks and lose money, it doesn’t matter. The key is to learn to stop. But the biggest fear of loss is that you don’t admit the failure of your vision, hold on blindly, and wait for a rebound. As a result, you wait and wait until the flowers have withered several times

20. Pretending to be talented , revealing the essence of dress B.

21. Women still wear cosmetic masks, but men wear moral masks

22. Those who are conceited will always be able to help but crow among the cranes. Among

23. What is irony? The irony is that even if you are willing to be someone else's toilet paper, they still think your paper is soft and stains your fingers, while the paper is hard and scratches your buttocks

24. Don't always say that mud cannot climb up the wall, because even if You are concrete, and no one will dig it with you. You have to stay on the ground. If someone digs it, no matter how rotten the mud is, it will still stick to the wall.

25. Treat your boss as a baby , and then treat yourself as a breast, put more pressure on yourself, and squeeze out some milk, because babies don’t know how to appreciate breasts that can’t produce milk yet

26. People rely on clothes, Buddha relies on gold Pack. But the essence is still the essence, just like you, whether it is Li Ning or Adidas, Impossible or

27. Love at first sight must happen at least once in a person's life, so it seems that I have made many people live their lives in vain< /p>

28. It is said that beauty matches a beast. I will also be a beast for a while.

29. If the person who wants to be soaked cannot be soaked, then at best he or she will be soaked; if the person who wants to be soaked is soaked, then it is soaked in formalin, which is called bleeding

30. As the saying goes, brothers are like limbs, and women are like clothes. This saying is still quite valuable, but reality has added some elements of the times to it. Now, brothers are like prosthetics, and women are like underwear. You can be a one-armed man, but you can't meet people naked

31. A movie can become a story without a director; a story without a screenwriter is nothing.

So in life, you must at least become a screenwriter. If you want to be wonderful, work hard to develop as a director.

32. I think you are a professional net-weaver, and you specialize in catching penguins.

33. Are you the frog at the bottom of the well, or have you not even reached the bottom of the well?

34. Life always likes to throw me into a tug-of-war rope between angels and devils. In order to retaliate against them, I decided to make a straw rope, break it, and then they all go away

35. Most people will not say that I am handsome, they usually only say that I am domineering

36. Being able to mix so many bad habits of human beings so perfectly, I believe that if you go out on the street in the rain, Thor will feel sorry if he can't touch you

37. There once was a woman who wanted to She transformed me, but in the end she only dismantled my parts and never put them back together with me

38. Romance is always priceless, otherwise I would have been worth a million

39. Such strenuous exercise as going out on the street is not suitable for me. My great wish is to sit in front of the computer and compete in meditation on Sundays.

40. People don’t waste their youth in youth! It doesn’t feel good to pounce!

41. Living is to make a leap in the chaos.

42. Even if I am small, when I work hard to live for myself, I am still great, but I don’t know the size of greatness.

43. My happiness does not have to be established. On top of your pain, it’s just that you have to let your pain make me laugh so hard it’s so funny

1. Vulgarity is a breakthrough, especially when elegance and nobleness don’t work

2. I live in a snail's nest, live in a cowardly way, and live in a cowardly manner