What jokes make you laugh your head off?

1. I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend today. After ordering, the waiter said, "Hello, 250 yuan."

Boyfriend: "forget it, I'll change two dishes." More than 250 is ugly ... "

The waiter focused on it and said, "A * * is 25 1, so I'll charge you 250 ..."

2, chatting with good friends, from the past to the present, I regret that I didn't study hard and didn't create a good environment for today's work. I sighed: "I must study hard in the next life, and I can't live so mediocre any more!" " "

The friend curled his lips and said, "Cut! Maybe you will have a dog in your next life. "

A word choked me for a long time.

A female colleague at work today said that she accidentally swallowed chewing gum at work. She said that she had stayed up all night eating chewing gum when she was a child, so she was worried. . .

I comforted her and said, "Nothing, just let it out, but I'm afraid." . . "

"What am I afraid of?" She asked eagerly.

Me: "Well, I'm afraid there will be bubbles in case of farting."

4. A woman walks into the canteen. "Boss, give me a bottle of drink."

Boss: "Do you want something cold?"

The woman said angrily, "Don't you know that the woman has been ill for several days?"

The boss said helplessly, "Who knows, you didn't stick the sanitary towel on your face."

1, a hair salon near the school, washing, cutting and blowing 12 yuan, washing and blowing 10 yuan, an idiot went to ask Shan Jian if he was 2 yuan, and the boss immediately told him to get out. The boy still seems to be good at math. . .

2. High school military training. Nobody wants to train on a hot day. Seeing that they have no spirit, the instructor of the women's team said, "Practice hard, practice hard, and I will teach you women's self-defense."

As soon as the girls listened to the spirit, the queue went smoothly.

As soon as our men's team instructor saw how effective it was, he said to us, "You should step up your training, and then I will teach you how to crack women's self-defense."

As soon as we heard this, we were more energetic. As a result, the two teams didn't stop all afternoon, and even the headmaster praised us for being young. .

3. I went to the toilet at noon one day, walked to the door and saw a girl come out, wiped her mouth with a tissue, and happened to burp again. ...

4, thought class, teacher: "If God is in the sky, you can choose what to let God sprinkle, what would you let him sprinkle?"

I hope so. B: Money. C: Knowledge. "

A student replied loudly: "scatter B! The teacher sprinkled B! "

Sick and sick, 1 1 year!

5. A roommate said with emotion, "My brother is getting married."

I teased him and left a message: "Congratulations, how many months is your girlfriend pregnant?"

Later reply: "Nima, it's my brother ..."

1. One day, Ann's father and mother are discussing the name of the baby in their belly.

Ann's father: Let's call it safety!

Ma 'an: Fuck you, can't you think of a nutritious name!

Ann's father was silent for a long time before he spoke slowly.

Ann's dad: that's called angelic acid!

2. Take a bus. Sitting in the back row, I saw the legendary little sneaky thing.

I saw the thief gorgeously take out a police officer's card from the pocket of the man next to him.

Dazed for two seconds, gorgeous Li put it back! Discovered by plainclothes police!

The plainclothes policeman growled, damn it, I finally asked for leave to go back to my hometown to see my wife, and you have to go back to labor!

Our company doesn't have five insurances and one gold. Everyone is worried about this,

The boss promised many times: "It will be approved soon! Wait a minute! "

One day, an employee of our company said to the boss, "I heard several people speak ill of our company on the subway today!" " "

The boss said, "How did you handle it?"

A talented eldest brother said, "I wanted to fight with them at that time!" " But on second thought, I'd better forget it. I have no medical insurance! "

Dongdong is playing computer games.

Dad came over and asked him, "son, mom and dad are getting divorced." Who are you with? "

Dongdong didn't look back. He waved and said, "Show me your divorce papers."

Dad was surprised and said, "What are you looking at?" Dongdong said, "I'll see who the computer is distributed to."

Walking in the garden, I heard two little girls talking to each other.

Little Lolita: "By the way, did you hear someone setting off firecrackers this morning?"

Little Lolita B: "Well, I don't know which one is married, and they are all putting me to sleep!" " "

Little Lori A: "Yes, I wish them a hundred years of discord, a hundred years of discord."

Little Lori B was there and agreed.

Qian Qian must not mess with children, you can't mess with them, because, although you don't know, you don't know how many times you have been scolded by them!

6. Son: "Mom, I want to go out with my buddies ..."

Mom: "Are you asking me or telling me?"

Son: "I'm asking you for money."

7. My mother works in the kitchen and tells me to take out the garbage.

I don't want to, because my dad is idle, he mumbles, "My husband doesn't need to use someone else's husband."

My mother looked back at me and said, "Your own son doesn't need it. Why use someone else's son?"

8. Sitting in the old, weak, sick and pregnant seat of the bus, there is an old man standing next to him.

Grandpa seems to be unhappy, pointing to the words next to him and saying to me, young man, are you old, weak, sick and pregnant?

I think what uncle said is very reasonable and ashamed, so I hit my head on the car body three times.

9. Life has been tense recently. The 20,000 yuan borrowed from a friend yesterday has been squandered today. In desperation, I had to change my signature to: My number was stolen. Don't believe me when I borrow money from you!

10 Patient: "I always have insomnia. What can I do? "

Doctor: "Try counting from 1 to 500."

The next day, the doctor asked about the effect. The patient said, "It's too difficult. I can't hold on until I count to 200. I only counted it after drinking a cup of espresso. "

12, while waiting in line to buy tickets, suddenly an aunt rushed to cut in line. After buying the ticket, she said, don't be like me, don't be like me, I have low quality. . .