Collect jokes

1

Cao Chuanzhong

Lu Su: "Is it really possible to borrow arrows like this? Mr. Kong Ming? "

Zhuge Liang: "Trust me."

Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried ..."

Zhuge Liang: "There is no need."

Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat?"

Zhuge Liang: "It's a little inconvenient to say that ... Is there anything wrong?"

Lu Su: "Yes, I'm afraid the enemy is shooting rockets ..."

Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Amethyst ... Can you swim ... I can't ... "

2

Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place, and I remember there is a Merlin nearby, which may be there in a moment ... "

Soldier: "Oh ... there are plums to eat ... Oh! ! ! "

in half an hour

Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally have water to drink ... "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

three

Cheng Xia

Sima Yi: "The sound of the piano is very chaotic! Kill the city and capture Zhuge Liang alive! "

Shang Cheng

Qin Tong: "I told you not to play that sonorous rose. I didn't listen ... "

Jian Tong: "Impossible, the teacher is a fan of Yi Lian ..."

Zhuge Liang: "First, throw you two into the city to die ..."

four

Zhong Jun tent

Zhuge Liang (wearing glasses and opening the name book): "Zhang Yimou!"

Person: "..........."

Zhuge Liang (holding glasses and looking at the name book carefully): "Where is Zhang Yimou!"

Person: "..........."

Wei Yan: "Strategist ... Zhang Yide, right? Is Zhang Yide ... "

Zhuge Liang: "........"

five

Changbanpo

Cao Hong: "Look, Prime Minister! That enemy general is back! "

Xia Houdun: "Today is the seventh time. Isn't he tired?"

Cao Cao: "Damn it ... I won't stop until I kill all my men!" " ! ? "

Zhao Yun, who fought in the chaotic army, said, "Zhang Fei is XXXX! Let me go to the back of the house, don't give me a map. ..................................................................................................................................................................

six

Zhou Yu: "Born in He Shengliang ... Born in He Shengliang ..." ...

Reader: "Are you kidding ... As the commander-in-chief of the Soochow Armed Forces, how could you say such trivial things on his deathbed?" ? ! "

Luo Guanzhong: "Cheap ..."

So, in some lost versions of the Three Kingdoms, Zhou Yu shouted before he died-"Eighteen years later ... Lao Tzu was still a hero ..."

seven

Wuzhangyuan

Jiang Wei: "Teacher, I'm back! Today, I bought three pence a cart of celery and four pence five barrels of rice ... huh? Why are there seven lights on in the room? Lamp oil is very expensive now, and the military grain and oil subsidy does not include kerosene ... what! ? Three days and three nights! Still not going out? You can't live! ? Wow ... look at the big one in the middle ... put it out. Well, you see, the light is already on ...:) Oh, by the way, what did you want to say to me just now, teacher? "

The superstar fell down. ...

eight

The story of diusim: "............."

Dong Zhuo: "........."

Lu Bu: "I just want to hear your truth. Which one do you love more?" ! ? "

The story of diusim: "............."

Dong Zhuo: "........."

Lu Bu: "Answer me!"

Dong Zhuo: "It's really hard to decide. ..................................................................................................................................................................

Lu Bu: "Scum! ! "

-According to research, the first BL murder case in China history occurred in the late Eastern Han Dynasty. ...

nine

Zhang Fei: "Stop, old thief!"

Yan Yan: "Ring-eyed thief! Dismount and die! "

Police car: "Listen, two thieves ... you are surrounded ... Drop your weapon ..."

10

Sanjiangkou

Sun Shangxiang: "It's Ding Feng and Xu Sheng's people. My brother must have sent them to kill us! What should I do, husband? "

Liu Bei: "Oh, when I left Jingzhou, the military adviser gave me three tricks, and I have already used two. Now it's time to use the third one, Zilong. Open the prompt! "

Zhao Yun: "Yes." (opens) "Oh? There is a blue tights and a red cloak in it? ! "

Liu Bei: "Don't ..."

Zhao Yun: "There is also a note ... If you become Superman, you can repel enemy soldiers ..."

-Liu Bei returned to Jingzhou and exiled Zhuge Liang. ...

1 1

Liu Bei: "Yun Chang, let me introduce you. This is my great benefactor, Liu An. When I was in trouble, he skillfully acted as a wife to cut meat to support me. "

Liu An: "Nothing ..."

Guan Yu: "But he obviously raises pigs at home. Why ... "

Liu Bei: "Have you forgotten? I am a Muslim ... "

-

2 Humorous Three Kingdoms

Guan Yu: "..."

-Guan Yu Liu Bei cut his robe and broke his righteousness ...

12

Jiangdong Wuhou mansion

Liu Bei: "The sky is above and the earth is below. If Liu Bei can return to Jingzhou and realize his ambition, one sword and one stone will split him in two ... "

"hey!"

-The stone is broken.

Sun Quan: "Uncle, what are you doing?"

Liu Bei: "Well ... Oh, I just asked God for a divination. If I can break Cao Xinghan, the sword will cut the stone. Indeed as expected ha ha ha ha ... "

Sun Quan: "Don't pretend to be a grandson with me! Cut down our rockery as if nothing had happened! ? "

13

Soldier: "Report ... General Guan will raise the flag and return home victorious!" " "

Liu Bei: "Brave enough! Ah blare ... "

Zhang Fei: "There are two sons! Glug ... "

Guan Yu: "Big Brother, I'm back .................."

Liu Bei: "Well, I'm sorry, my third brother and I have already had lunch."

Guan Yu: "-_-b ..."

A year later.

Hu Lao handed the money

Marotta: "Master Xiang! A big red face came in and cut off General Hua's head and flew away! "

Dong Zhuo: "Hey! ! How cruel! ? "

Allied camp

Liu Bei: "Yun Chang has been moving faster and faster recently ..."

Zhang Fei: "Well, the wine is still warm ..."

Guan Yu: "Ah, ah, ah ............."

14

Si Mahui: "Ah!"

Liu Bei: "Sir, what's the matter?"

"Your monarch's mount seems to be the legendary fierce mahr. If you don't give up, you will suffer in the future. "

Liu Bei: "Thanks for reminding me, but I don't believe in superstition."

-after Liu Bei left

Linzhi: "Dad, did you get the white horse you wanted ..."

Si Mahui: "Don't worry …"

Zhao Yun: "Is anyone at home? Have you ever seen my master ... "

Si Mahui: "Hey? General, your mount seems to be the legendary fierce horse' Lu' ... "

15

Ma Chao: Who is the enemy general? Come out and die!

Xu Zhu: Yo, who should I be? It is you. Come on, we have a game today.

Ma Chao: Let's race. Come on! Rock, scissors, paper, I won.

Xu Zhu: Shit, slow down!

Ma Chao: I am willing to admit defeat and take off my clothes!

Xu Zhu: OK, you wait (take off your armor). Rock, cloth, scissors. Shit, how did I lose again ~

Ma Chao: You are stupid. Take it off again.

Xu Zhu: (takes off his helmet) Rock, scissors and cloth! Shit, what day is it today? How can you lose until now!

Ma Chao: Take it off again.

Xu Zhu: (takes off his underwear), I'm not wearing a shirt! Rock, cloth, scissors! .................

Ma Chao: Take off your pants!

Xu Zhu: Son, you are cruel. I'll let you go today! Withdraw your troops! !

-Later generations called this war Xu Zhu naked war horse super.

16

Changbanqiaoqian

Yan Ming: Who's that on the other side?

Subordinate: That's Zhang Fei.

Yan Ming: What does Zhang Fei do?

Subordinate: I heard that meat sellers.

Yan Ming: Shit, a butcher came to fight. Watch me take care of him easily! I'll take a sip of water first.

Zhang Fei shouted at the opposite side: Hello! ! !

Yan Yan was unprepared and died of suffocation.

Zhang Fei's men: The general is so powerful that he scared the enemy to death.

Zhang Fei: Nonsense, I used to shout that every day when I was selling meat.

The fart is too loud.

Zhuge Liang is a master of eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, I call you like a woodpecker. How about adjusting the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't hear it. "

secret recipe

After Mrs. Mi gave birth to Dou, she has been worrying about Dou's excrement all day. I'll ask Hua Tuo. Mrs. rice asked, "Dr. Hua, my peas have to shit n times a day." Is there a better way than using diapers? " Hua Tuo thought for a moment and replied, "Yes! You can raise a few dung beetles. "

The Writing is on the Wall

A few days before Dian Wei died in Wancheng to save Cao Cao, he said to him, "Wei, you should be careful recently, there may be a mass annihilation, because you have an ominous sign!" After Dian Wei's death, the ghost found Yu Xun and scolded him, "What nonsense are you talking about? You said that if I wore a bra, there would be a mass annihilation. I took off my bra before going to Wancheng, but I still died. " ! "

stable

When Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei began to conquer the world, they all had to recruit soldiers. I bought many horses, so the three of them built a big cage and locked all the horses in it. The next day, the three men found that all the horses had escaped from the cage, so they decided to change the height of the cage from 5 feet to 10 feet. On the third day, they found that the horse had escaped from the cage, so they decided to raise the cage to 20 feet. Then, the three of them went back to sleep. At this time, one horse asked another horse, "Do you think the three of us will raise the cage?" The latter said, "It's hard to say! If they continue to forget to close the door. "

Curettage of bone to treat poison (1)

In other words, Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisonous arrow. Hua tuo curetted bones and treated poison for him. Guan Yu asked Hua Tuo, "Sir, how successful was this operation?" Hua Tuo said, "I did the same operation 99 times." Guan Yu said, "Then I'm relieved. I believe you will succeed. " Hua Tuo said, "Thank you! I think I should succeed once! "

Scraping bone to cure poison (2)

In other words, Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisonous arrow. Hua tuo curetted bones and treated poison for him. Guan Yu suddenly ran away. Seeing this, Liu Bei asked Guan Yu, "What are you running for?" Guan Yu said, "Just now Hua Tuo's apprentice said,' Be brave! Don't be afraid! This operation is very simple!' "Liu Bei:" Easy. What are you afraid of? " Guan Yu said, "But this sentence was told to Hua Tuo by Hua Tuo's apprentice master elder brother! "

Scraping bone to cure poison (3)

In other words, Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisonous arrow. Hua tuo curetted bones and treated poison for him. Hua tuo comforted Guan Yu and said, "don't be afraid, it doesn't hurt at all." It will be all right in a minute ... "Guan Yu interrupted:" Ha ha! Stop it, I have been a doctor for two years before! "

Scraping bone to cure poison (4)

In other words, Guan Yu was shot in the arm by a poisonous arrow. Hua tuo curetted bones and treated poison for him. Hua tuo took out the knife, Guan Yu was afraid and wouldn't let Hua tuo do it. So Hua Tuo had Guan Yu poured a glass of wine. After drinking, he asked Guan Yu, "Do you have the courage? Are you still afraid? " Guan Yu said, "I'm still a little scared." So I gave Guan Yu another drink. Guan Yu is still afraid. So I've been drinking dozens of cups. Hua tuo asked again, "Are you full of courage now?" I saw Guan Yu prancing on the table and shouting, "I want to see who dares to touch my arm!" " ! "

Biography of Xia Houdun

It is said that in the battle between Cao Cao and Lu Bu, Xiahou Xian was shot in the eye by Cao Xing, pulled out an arrow, ate his own eye, and shouted, "The blood of father, essence and mother should not be abandoned!" From then on, Xiahou Jie often ate human flesh and became addicted. Later, Xia Houdun gave birth to a son, also because he likes to eat human flesh. On this day, the father and son went out for food. They hid in the trees by the roadside, waiting to catch passers-by and go back to eat. A thin man came over and his son asked, "Eat this?" Xiahou Xian said, "It's too thin to eat!" After a while, a fat man came over and his son asked, "Eat this?" Xiahou Xian said: "Fat people have high cholesterol and are not delicious!" After a while, a beautiful woman came along. Before his son could speak, Xiahou Xian quickly said, "Great. Take it back and cook your mother! "

Xu Zhu and Ma Chao fought naked.

It is said that Cao Cao and Ma Chao are fighting in Weihe River. Ma Chao called for the battle, and Cao Cao sent Xu Zhu out to fight. The two men fought in the dark, and the outcome was unknown after N rounds of war. Xu Zhu got angry, so he took off his armor and coat and hit Ma Chao again. Ma Chao paused when he saw it, and then his eyes lit up: "I didn't expect you to like this brand of bar."

Have a plenty of brave soldiers.

It is said that Cao Cao and other governors fought against Dong Zhuo together. Let's eat together During the dinner, Kong Rong, the magistrate of Beihai, took out a box of pears and distributed them to everyone. The remaining pears were thrown out of the window. Seeing this, Liu Bei asked, "What a pity?" Kong Rong said, "Never mind, we have many pears there!" After a while, Yuan Shao took out a box of gold and gave it to everyone. The rest were thrown out of the window. Seeing this, Liu Bei asked, "What a pity?" Yuan Shao said, "Never mind, we have a lot of gold there!" Liu Bei bowed his head, thought for a moment, stood up, and threw Zhang Fei around him out of the window without saying anything.

it's your turn

It is said that Ma Chao revenged his father and attacked Cao Cao. Cao Cao was defeated by Ma Chao in the battle of Tongguan and fled hastily. Ma Chao chased after him. Chasing Cao Cao took off his robe and cut a long beard. Two people, one running in front and the other chasing after. Finally, Cao Cao was overtaken by Ma Chao. Cao Cao got off the horse in despair and knelt on the ground feebly, waiting for Ma Chao's disposal. After hearing Ma Chao laugh a few times, he said, "Ha ha ha ha! I finally caught you! Okay, now it's your turn to arrest me. Don't peek. "

Go hunting

Both Guan Yu and Zhang Fei like hunting very much, and often discuss whether there are hunting places in the underworld. Then Guan Yu died. One day, Guan Yu had a dream for Zhang Fei and said, "Tell me good news and bad news." Zhang Fei said, "What's the good news?" Guan Yu said, "There is really a hunting place in the underworld!" Zhang Fei said, "What's the bad news?" Guan Yu said, "You are on the list of hunters next month."

Meng De has a concubine with both talent and beauty. One day, he heard that Liu Huangshu had a general named Guan Yu. This gentleman is the best all-rounder in the world, so he refused to accept it and wanted to test his talents. One day when I saw Guan Yu, my concubine drew a big circle with her hand as the stroke. Guan Yu took a look and drew a long arc with his hand. Concubine zheng, stretched out a finger, guan yu saw, then stretched out two fingers; Yuji nodded and drew a semicircle in front of her abdomen with her hand. Guan Yu saw it and shook her hand. Yu Ji went back to see Cao Cao and told Cao Cao that Guan Yu was very talented. She asked him with the rising sun first, and Guan Yu responded with the waning moon. She asked him that his talent was the best in the world at that time, but Guan Yu said modestly that he was the second learned. She praised Guan Yu, but he waved and said to Liu Bei ... Guan Yu went back to see Liu Bei and said to Liu Bei, "Why is Cao Cao's concubine so boring?" She said a big cake first, and I said a fried dough stick. " I said no, not yet ... Liu Bei felt strange, because Zhang Fei came to tell him just now that he saw Guan Yu having an affair with Cao Cao's concubine, because he saw that the concubine said she was so big and Guan Yu said he was so long. Yu Ji asked if it was enough once, Guan Yu said it should be done at least twice, and Yu Ji asked what to do if she was pregnant. The most exasperating thing is that Guan Yu said it's none of my business. ...