Come on! Not alive! Give me a few jokes and laugh me to death! !

Inherited an old man, saw that his daughter-in-law was beautiful, but there was no good way, sighing all day. When the wife asked why, the old man told the truth. The wife said: If you threaten that she is not afraid of shame, tell her to see who is more shameful. Morphology did work. When the old man was satisfied, he asked his wife how she came up with this idea. His wife said, that's how your father got me. Mother rabbit = a staff member of obstetrics and gynecology is late. The manager asked discontentedly, "Why are you late!" "The clerk said," My wife has been having a baby all night! " "The manager believed. Three weeks later, the clerk was late for the same reason. The manager asked, "Is your wife a female rabbit?" The clerk said, "She is an obstetrician and gynecologist." A newly-married soldier wrote to his wife and said that he would come to see me next week if possible. Physical needs and lack of money, please bring one hundred dollars. Ps: If you can't come, send me 200 yuan. The couple are going to attend a masquerade party together. When I left, my wife suddenly felt uncomfortable, so I said I couldn't go, so my husband had to go alone. After taking medicine at home, my wife feels much better. She had a whim to see what her husband was doing when he was alone, so she changed into a suit and went to a fancy dress party. When I saw Mr. Wang, he was flirting with a woman. His wife suddenly got angry and wanted to make up a code to scold him. On second thought, why not fool him? So the wife tried her best to let her husband just turn around her, and the two were still caressing in the garden ... The dance was almost over, and the wife returned home early, but she didn't come back until almost 3 o'clock. My wife asked my husband how he was playing, and he said, "I'm bored to death. I played cards all night, but a guy borrowed my clothes and mask and had a good time. When he left, he told me that he had the best and most passionate night. " Wife "Ah ..." The wife who suffered the second crime always felt that the married life was not romantic enough, and sometimes said to her husband, how about we talk about love again? Who knows that the husband hurriedly waved his hand and said, forget it, that thing is too tired! At least I lied to a wife, so I can live in peace in the future. I never want to go back to the evil old society! Careful wife A man came home late on a business trip. The careful wife was afraid that her husband couldn't find what he needed when he got home, so she wrote a note on the table before going to bed: "Dear, the beer is on the third floor of the refrigerator, the roast chicken is in the microwave oven, and I am in bed". Marry a bride with the wrong surname: "Everyone is complaining about the bad surname. Only when you become a bride will you become Mrs. Chen (old)!" " Groom: "alas! If I married Mr. Yang, wouldn't I become Mrs. Yang as soon as I got married? Forever foreign wife. " Because of fear, eldest brother got a heavy double-barreled shotgun at home. Whenever eldest sister-in-law loses her temper, eldest brother always cleans the gun without saying anything. Sister-in-law turned pale with fear, and a civil war ended before it started. I can't help asking my sister-in-law, "Big Brother dares to kill you?" Sister-in-law said, "No, I'm afraid he will commit suicide." Once upon a time, there was a foolish son who married a good wife. Dale was surprised. He asked his daughter-in-law, "Hey, hey, what should I call you?" The daughter-in-law, angry and funny, replied, "It's called the king of hell." On the wedding night, the husband and wife sleep together, and the wife hooks her husband with her feet. After being awakened, I didn't know what to do, so I called his father: "Dad, look, the ghost king is hooking me." His father was startled and told the terrifying story loudly. "Terrible, terrifying, my son is still young, I am old. Hook me if you want. " Pretend that a couple are on the train, and a man and a woman meet by chance. The problem is that they are in the same sleeping car. Of course it was embarrassing at first, but soon, fatigue made them fall asleep. Men slept in the upper bunk and women slept in the lower bunk. In the middle of the night, the man woke up and woke up the woman sleeping in the lower bunk: "I'm sorry, I froze to death up there." Can you pass me another blanket? " The woman looked at the man with water in her eyes and said to him, "I have a better idea." Shall we pretend to be husband and wife? " The man paused, but immediately promised: "Good, great, what a surprise!" " "He was obviously a little overexcited." So what do we do now? "The woman turned on the bunk and faced the trunk wall and said," You can't get it yourself! " "A warlord's fourth aunt A warlord has a fourth aunt who likes to burn incense and worship Buddha in the temple. She often runs seven or eight times a month. When the warlord asked, he told him that he only worshipped Buddha for his future and health, and the warlord was relieved. One day, on a whim, the warlord asked Xiao Luzi, the attendant of the fourth aunt, what she did every time she took her wife to the temple. Little Lu Zi said, "Tell Master that after burning incense and worshiping Buddha, Madam will have dinner with Master in the meditation room of the temple." The warlord said, "Oh! That must be Su Zhai. " The little deer said mysteriously, "Tell the master that he still eats meat with four dishes and one soup." The warlord was stupefied and asked, "What is one soup and four dishes?" Xiao Lu Zi said, "I once waited too long, so I hid outside the meditation room to eavesdrop because of curiosity. At first, I heard the master shout "a lot of water", and then I heard the sound of drinking soup. Then my wife started calling "Duck" and "Duck". Later, my wife said that the master's chicken was fat and big. After eating the chicken, the master kept calling "burning hooves", as if eating pig's hooves. Then after a while, the master shouted to turn it over, this time obviously eating. The warlord turned blue with anger, but Xiao Luzi didn't know yet. He continued, "The food cooked by the master is good and full. My wife shouts "Great, Great" every time she eats, gasping for breath and saying that she can't stand it, obviously because she is too full. . . . . "The clever man advised his wife to find out that the man was eating in a secret restaurant and had a big fight. The man took his wife home and advised her, "Just for fun, don't take it seriously." The woman cried and said, "Did you have a good time? Why don't you take me to play? " The man said, "Do you want me to take you to play and let her cook at home?" The woman said, "Then why don't you let go of her hand?" The man said, "that's someone else's hand, isn't it fresh and serious?" "Woman:" Then why don't you hold my hand so affectionately? "Man:" I hold my hand, what kind of affection do I need? " The woman cried and said, "You have no feelings for me at all. "Man:" Of course, you are already my right-hand man and a part of my body. Although I won't miss her deliberately, I can't live without her. If I leave, I will become disabled. Which of these two hands is more important? " The wife thought for a moment, smiled through tears and said, "You are really bad. "The old man's hearing aid The old man bought a hearing aid, and he was afraid of his wife's criticism, so he praised the effect of her hearing aid. He said, "This is the best time to spend money in my life. I can hardly hear what others say without hearing AIDS. But now, even the water in the kitchen downstairs can be heard. The sound of cars starting can also be heard clearly half a mile away. My wife has always been the first, and asked him, "What's the price?" The old man looked at his watch and said, "It's a quarter past two." "Why do men want to marry women and play mahjong with men? Their luck is very bad. His luck improved after his wife called his mobile phone. He came home late, and his wife was noisy and broke things. Men are very angry, and calling women names is a disaster. The woman said, "Why do you men always say that women are a disaster?" The man said, "haven't you heard that there is always a silver lining behind the dark clouds?" "Tom, a pure bride, is a playboy. One day, it occurred to me that I wanted to turn over a new leaf and marry the purest girl in the world. After some efforts, I finally got what I wanted. The day after the wedding, Jack met Tom with a sad face in the bar. He said, "You just got married, why don't you stay at home with your bride?" "And a person drinks here." "ah! You don't know, I gave her a hundred dollars as soon as I got up this morning. " "Can you explain to her and admit your mistake?" Jack said. "Not for this, but she followed me and gave me twenty dollars." A couple with long hair passed by a jewelry store. The wife said, "My neck is bare and there is nothing!" " "The husband said," Do you still want to grow hair around your neck? There is a taciturn doctor in The Past of Famous Doctors. Other doctors always ask patients questions before making a diagnosis. But he began to treat himself without waiting for the patient to speak. The neighbor said to his wife, "Your husband is really a famous doctor. How glorious your face is! "The lady said," I don't know if he is a famous doctor, but he has been a veterinarian for a long time. "