A collection of the most popular classic jokes and quotations

1. That night, my girlfriend told me to play a game in which whoever deals with the other person first loses. I excitedly agreed. . It's been a year and a half. No news at all. . . Oh my god! Did she dump me? !

2. The mother-in-law tests the three sons-in-law. First, I invited my eldest son-in-law to take a walk. He suddenly jumped while crossing a bridge. My eldest son-in-law jumped into the water and rescued me. My mother-in-law gave him a Guangben car as a gift. The mother-in-law followed the same pattern and tested the second son-in-law, but was also rescued. The injured second son-in-law received an Audi as a gift. She tried the third son-in-law again, but he couldn't swim and couldn't save her, and the mother-in-law drowned. The next day, his father-in-law gave him a Mercedes-Benz as a gift!

3. I suddenly discovered an interesting pattern: no matter what we watch is a romantic drama or a youth idol drama, in the end the male protagonist and the female protagonist get married, and the TV or movie ends. What does this mean? ? This is a profound explanation: once a man and a woman get married, there will be no future!

4. Valentine’s Day: I watch the sky at night. The hotels and guesthouses will be full tonight, and there will be countless people. A girl loses her virginity. Happily, the person lying on the bed was someone else's future wife. The tragedy is that your future wife has no idea who is in bed with you. What's even more tragic is that she lost her virginity in a hotel where she stayed for 40 yuan, but today she asks you for a house of 10,000 yuan per square meter before she will marry you. .

5. Come up with some more creative store names, those who want to open a store can learn from them: 1. Barber shop: People's Hair Institute, Flying Hair, National Development and Reform Commission. 2． Restaurant: A gourmet restaurant where you can sit down even if you are hungry, and get drunk after eating. 3． Clothes store: Keep a mistress, sell clothes diligently, and solicit customers with clothes. 4. Tea House: Purely looking for tea, Jing Tea Bureau. 5. Beauty shop: Please avoid acne and remove spots quickly.

6. The emperor said to the little plum beside him: Use one word to describe me. Xiao Lizi replied: Cha! Then Xiao Lizi was beheaded. . . .

7. A certain bachelor’s signature was changed to: Those who have a crush on me, how can you be so calm? ! !

8. A: Sister, if someone hurts you, how long will it take for you to forgive him? B: Forgiving him is a matter for God, and my task is to send her to see God. . . .

9. Our old man who teaches chemistry has 800 degrees of myopia. After writing on the blackboard during class, he suddenly turned around and pointed at me

and shouted: What are you doing standing there! ! Sit down! ! I was sitting in the last row of seats, and my coat was hanging on the wall behind me...

10. In the first aid class when I was in college, the professor was demonstrating cardiopulmonary resuscitation while talking about it. :

Professor: When pressing the chest with both hands, do not use too much force. Just press down 2~3cm. Too much force can easily break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Please see the demonstration below (press hard with both hands), there will be a click! The model's ribs were broken.

The professor said awkwardly that get out of class was over. . . . Classic joke quotations

1. "Tom, how dare you come to my orchard to steal apples? Come down from the tree quickly, or I will find your father to punish you!" "Oh, no need, he is right here. On the tree opposite.”

2. Today’s children are all precocious. On this day, his father called Xiao Ming, who was in junior high school, and said, "Xiao Ming, you are older now, and dad wants to talk to you about sex." Xiao Ming was very impatient: "Tell me, what do you want to know."

< p> 3. I found that in terms of study, we are like Big Big Wolf. We appear with an extremely NB attitude every semester, and exit with an SB attitude that everyone expected at the end of the semester. At the end, we have to shout One sentence: I will definitely study hard...

4. For my Audi, your Dior, and our child’s Oreo. effort! struggle!

5. A literary young woman writes an article to ask the professor for advice. Professor: There are two prominent points in the first half of this article, which is relatively plump; the middle is mediocre; and the lower half is more frizzy, and it requires a lot of work!

6. Be proactive in everything. For example, you can climb up the wall and wait for Hongxing.

7. When a man applied for a job, the female manager asked him what his specialties were. The man said: "The lower body is special." The female manager: "Rogue, dirty..." The man said angrily: "Who is a gangster, who is dirty, I said what's wrong with my long legs..."

8. Finally, the mist and rain from the south of the Yangtze River covered the world. After letting Hua give up, it was only a moment, and the mountains and rivers were silent forever.

9. In the Year of the Dragon, you are in a good mood and have no worries every day; you raise your head to embrace happiness and lower your head to embrace beauty.

10. When we are young, we often make faces in the mirror; when we are old, the mirror is even.

11. I miss those days when I ate single-celled animals (it’s absolutely popular when women use this as a signature)...

12. Don’t think that you are Wu Dalang, just think that Yao Ming is Made of two people.

13. Once you learn to break the jar, you will find that the world suddenly becomes brighter.

14. The person shitting on your head may not be your enemy, it may also be your neighbor upstairs.

15. The farthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when I beat away the Japanese and stood in front of you, you fell in love with a foreigner.

16. Boys must be poor, otherwise they will not know how to struggle; girls must be rich, otherwise they will coax them away with a piece of cake.

17. Life rounds us in order to make us roll further.

18. There are many wives and concubines, but there is one true love. Children surround our knees, but our family remains undefeated. Play if you want to, and do if you can. The air is free and there is never darkness. Looking back, I still have regrets.

19. Let me spend Christmas alone, New Year’s Day alone, and let me spend the end of the semester alone!

20. Whenever you are cleaning, the school will say "school is your home"; but when you are late, the school will say "do you think school is your home?"

21. Resist breast augmentation surgery and don’t contaminate the last safe source of milk!

22. Why did Guan Yu die earlier than Zhang Fei? Answer: Beauty is a bad thing...

23. Every woman who claims to be a "sister" is looking for a very manly man, but it turns out that the most manly man is herself.

24. What if you have a husband, but you still score goals with a goalkeeper!

25. An IBM interview question, with a monthly salary of 80,000, 90‰ of people get it wrong. Can you answer it correctly? 1+2*3=?, don’t think too much and answer immediately.

26. A thousand years of fame will bury you in one lifetime. The exquisite country is ridiculous but has no king's destiny.

27. I would like to turn into an angry bird and crash into those pigs.

28. When I came to this world, I had no intention of returning alive.

29. January is a rare month when everyone no longer cares about ferry tickets because they can’t even buy tickets to go home.

30. If you want to know what despair is, buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

31. During the final review some time ago, a classmate went to the teacher to highlight the key points. The teacher said: "What are the key points for you to study medicine? Could it be that when a patient comes to you for treatment, you tell him that your disease is not the key point." "You can't afford to be injured when you study medicine..." 32. In fact, you don't have to feel inferior, because you have won the championship among tens of millions or even hundreds of millions of players. .

33. People are like iron, and rice is like steel. If you don’t eat for a day, you will get hungry.

34. An extraordinary appearance is important even to beasts.

35. I allow you to enter my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in it.

36. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

37. Big Gray Wolf, big stupid wolf, can never defeat Pleasant Goat, and has to serve Red Taro.

38. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat and sleep well.

39. The so-called difference in values ????is that if given a candle, some people will feel that they are missing a cake, and some people will feel that they are missing a whip.

40. A telephone has just been installed in the dormitory. Everyone in dormitory 110 follows the example of other dormitories and waits for the phone to ring. Pick up the phone and say gently: "Hello, this is 110."

41. When I think that 20xx is coming, and when I think about the money I still owe the bank, I can laugh out of my dreams!

42. Female: "Why did you lie to me? Your father obviously burns boilers, but you said you can control more than 1,000 people." Male: "Yes, you can control the drinking water of more than 1,000 people."

43. If you are nice to me, I will not be able to help but bully you.

44. My dear, let me tell you, age is not a problem, height is not distance, weight is not pressure, and money is not ability. So we must be together forever! Happy to look at you every day!

45. A driver crushed a cat to death. He asked a child on the roadside: "Is this cat yours?" The child: "Its size and color are the same as mine, but mine Cats are not as good as it. ”

46. Life is a hundred times crueler than comics. It has placed countless fat tigers around you who like to bully you, countless strong men who like to laugh at you, and a Yijing who you can never catch up with, but it never thought of giving you a real Doraemon.

47. You are not a VIP, not even an IP, you are just a P!

48. Monitor, you look at me with such firm eyes.

49. I am cute and responsible. What mistake did I make?

50. Happy days are days when you go to bed with enough food.

51. A jet fighter flew roaring in the sky, and the bird was surprised when it saw it. Birdie: "Mom, why does that bird fly so fast?" Mother Bird: "Try putting a fire on your butt!"

52. Money can buy a house but not a home. Marriage cannot buy love, you can buy a clock but not time. Money is not everything, but the source of pain. Give me your money and let me bear the pain alone!

53. Life is like angry birds. When you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing.

54. Insomnia is caused by taking sleep too seriously and thinking that one will die if he or she misses one night's sleep.

55. Hongxing refuses to get out of the wall and pulls her out resolutely.

56. Even if you want to cry again, you must smile and say: Your uncle!

57. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.

58. Every time the nurse came to give me an infusion, I would deliberately pretend not to understand and ask what the rubber tube tied to my hand was, but in fact, I just wanted to listen to the nurse spit out the soft tube. Three soft words: tourniquet...

59. Youth is like mahjong, you either shoot or touch yourself. How many otakus and rotten women have exhausted all their mechanisms just to enjoy the moment of being overthrown.

60. The Phoenix Tour on the Phoenix Platform broke the promise and left, waiting all night. From then on, thousands of miles away from the south to the north of the Yangtze River wept.

61. Love means disregarding everything and enduring everything.

62. Eating is what I want, and losing weight is what I want. I can’t have both, so I’m done with it.

63. Looking forward to January, because there are only two serious things in January: vacation and waiting for vacation.

64. Sanlu and Mengniu tell us a truth: animals are unreliable.

65. If a person doesn’t push himself, he won’t know how good he is... Collection of classic jokes

1. In today’s society, walking to work is a bit tiring. Going to work by bus is a bit crowded, riding a bicycle to work is a bit awkward, and going to work on a motorcycle is neither tiring nor crowded, but it’s a bit cold. drive? A little distressed.

2. In the physical education class, the teacher asked: Which country has the largest population? Answer: China; Which sport is the most entertaining? Answer: Football. Which sport is the most entertaining? Answer: Chinese football!

3. I am very courageous, and I am often frightened; I have a very bad temper, so what does crotch humiliation mean? I have a very cool personality and haven’t found any characteristics yet; I am very shallow-skinned and can only pester you; when I receive a text message and you smile, I will frown.

4. The magician on the boat was exposed by his parrot every time he did magic. One day while he was doing magic, the boat hit a rock and sank. He and the parrot lay on a wooden board and stared at each other for three days before the parrot said: Brother, I'm convinced, where did you change the boat?

5. Light cigarettes often, and difficult things are not difficult; have a cocktail party to persuade, and work on public relations; play mahjong for a few rounds, and make a lot of friends; pat horses, and your career will always move forward; text messages are the most important, thinking about them The most wonderful. May everything go well for you!

6. Be an open person and don’t go out for a stroll if you have nothing to do. The world can't afford to hurt her, so Fleur lost weight and became a slender woman. Sister Feng immigrated to the United States, and Brother Sharp's model became popular.

We can't afford pandas, I'm just a tough guy, if you don't accept it, I won't do it!

7. Lao Li is frugal, his only problem is his stuttering, and the number of times he has been in love is one. Lao Li's girlfriend is even more frugal. Once on the phone, Lao Li stuttered nervously. Lao Li's girlfriend said anxiously: Speak quickly, it's all money!

8. Ways to relieve the heat with thoughts: Imagine that you are hit by an ice palm, and the ice suddenly melts; or imagine that you are romantic on the Titanic, and suddenly an iceberg hits and you fall into the cold and biting sea water; Why don't you try watching another ghost movie? I wish you a clear heart after being "scared"!

9. Life is easy, living is easy, but life is really not easy. No matter whether you are poor or rich, happiness is a good life. Crying is not life, laughing is not life, and smiling bitterly is life. Whether you cry or laugh, wonderful life is a good life.

10. My husband’s employer gave me a bonus, but only 40% of it got to me. So I asked coercively and coercively about the whereabouts of other large sums of money. My husband told me roguely: "You won't even tell me if you kill me, you haven't used a honey trap yet!"

11. "A young and beautiful woman asked a firefighter: "You saved me from danger? , it must have taken a lot of effort, right? Firefighter: "No, I fought off three firefighters for this!" ””

12. You know, when I miss you, I bite my fingers. Ever since I fell in love with you and developed this hobby, I have never used nail clippers and my nails are still very clean. This is the price of love!

13. The father looked at the test paper in his son's hand and shouted: "How could I have such an unsatisfactory son like you? He actually got 0 points this time." The son said: "This is me. I found the test papers from your childhood. ”

14. I want to hold you in the palm of my hand and serve you with all my heart; I want to hold you in my arms and raise you with all my heart; I want to use my best. I will give you the best care of my body and mind: I will make you a cute little fat pig. When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I graduated. I originally wanted to say 2000, but I got excited and said, "Two thousand years ago..." What was even more shocking was that the examiner actually said "Oh" and said, "Confucius' Student"

15. There are two difficult things in the world: one is to put your thoughts into other people's heads, and the other is to put other people's money into your own pocket. The former succeeded in calling her teacher, the latter succeeded in calling her boss, and both succeeded in calling her wife.

16. Thinking of you is so passionate, looking at you with lust, kissing your face, holding you with lust, loving you radiantly, pulling you into tears! You make me love and hate you, my favorite little pepper!

17. You don’t miss me, I feel a little lonely; you don’t contact me, I feel a little sad; in order to let you, remember me; pray deeply, may you fall when walking, choke on drinking water, and have no hope of getting rich. Don't blame me for being cruel, are you afraid? How to do it, you know! Collection of classic jokes

The commander ordered everyone to report to the mountain opposite

The first man was late, and he said: Report to the captain! I rode a bicycle, the bicycle broke down, I changed my car, the car broke down, I rode a horse, the horse died, I walked!

The second person was also late. He said: Report to the captain! I rode a bicycle, the bicycle broke down, I changed my car, the car broke down, I rode a horse, the horse died, I walked!

The third person was also late and said: Report to the captain! I rode a bicycle, the bicycle broke down, I changed my car, the car broke down, I rode a horse, the horse died, I walked!

The fourth person came and he said: Report to the captain! I ride a bicycle, but the bicycle breaks down, so I switch to a car...

Before he could finish speaking, the military commander roared loudly: "Don't tell me, if the car breaks down, you ride a horse, if the horse dies, come here!"

The fourth person who was late said: Report to the captain! No, there are too many dead horses on the road and the car cannot drive...

In a dormitory of Shenzhen University, classmate A was playing StarCraft when Huawei recruiter B walked into the dormitory.

B: Hello, classmate, I am from Shenzhen Huawei. This is an introduction to my company. Can you take some time to read it?

A: Didn’t you see that I’m busy!

(B waited for a while...)

B: Classmate, please take a look, our company pays well~

A: I'm not very good at studying. I failed several subjects!

B: It’s okay, we believe you will definitely pass the make-up exam and get your diploma~

A: I didn’t pass CET-4 either!

B: It’s okay, we believe you will pass and graduate successfully~

Student A had no choice but to sign the contract because it would not affect his gaming experience. . .

The company organized a trip to Huangshan. When passing by a toilet, a colleague wanted to go in and relieve himself. It happened that several foreigners also went in with him. I hadn't waited outside for half a minute when I saw my colleagues running out in a panic.

"Can it be done so quickly?"

The colleague looked like he was crying and replied: "Oh, I really can't do anything! Avoid it first, avoid it first..."

A novice went to collect loan sharks. He took out the IOU and said with a smile: It clearly says in black and white that you owe my boss 1 million! Do you want to default on your debt? !

The person said that he really didn’t have that much money, so he threatened: Hum! Don’t blame me for not reminding you! If you can't pay the money tomorrow, your house will be like it - he took out a lighter and burned the IOU...

In order to prove that spiders can hear in their feet, a university graduate student did The following comparative experiment:

1: A college student put a spider on the experimental table, and then yelled at the spider, and the spider ran away!

2: Later, the college student caught the poor spider again, put it on the experimental table, and cut off all the spider's legs!

He yelled at the spider again, but the spider stopped moving!

This proves that spiders’ hearing is in their feet!

There is a new wine in a bar. In order to attract customers, a sign is put up at the door saying: Whoever drinks a bottle of our new wine and can complete our three tasks will be free. I drank in our store for a month!

An alcoholic came to give it a try. After drinking a bottle, he staggered and asked the boss what the mission was. The boss said to him:

1. Skip a brazier we gave you

2. Pull out a broken tooth from the hippopotamus in the zoo opposite

3. Go to the 4th floor next door to satisfy a widow. Request

So the drunkard started doing it....

He jumped over the brazier easily

Then he came to the zoo , when he arrived at the hippopotamus, the bar owner stood at the door waiting for him. He only heard the screams of the hippopotamus inside. The boss thought to himself: This guy is really good!

Soon after, the drunkard became drunk. When he came out, he asked the boss: So... where is the woman... who wants to... pull out her teeth?

One day, the biology teacher asked: "There is no tail. "What kind of bear is it?"

A certain student said: "A koala"

The teacher asked: "What kind of bear is it?"

The student said: "A bear without a neck."

The teacher asked again: "What kind of bear is a bear without a penis?"

A certain student answered: "A bear without a bird."

Teacher: "Wrong!"

A certain student answered again: "Well~~~there is no chicken or bear."

"

Teacher: "Wrong! Alas...it's a female bear! ...Children of today...! ! "

The teacher said: "The pig is a very useful animal. Its meat can be eaten, its skin can be used to make leather, and its hair can be used for brushing. Who can tell now that it has other uses? Any other uses? "

"Teacher," a student stood up and replied, "its name can be cursed."

One day a professor suddenly stopped teaching and said to everyone seriously: If you sit in the middle If the chatting classmates can be as quiet as the male classmates sitting in the back playing cards, then the female classmates sleeping in the front will not be disturbed.

There was a primary school student who had a crush on his teacher for a long time. One day. I finally plucked up the courage to confess my love to the teacher. The teacher kept trying to enlighten him, saying that he was wrong and so on, but the primary school student was very stubborn and refused to listen. He also said that love has no age distinction. Finally, the teacher couldn't stand it anymore.

Just said: "I don't want children!"

The primary school student showed a satisfied smile and said: "Teacher, I will be very careful!"

One day Xiao Ming came to his future mother-in-law's house as a guest. Mother-in-law said: "You can sit down wherever you want, the food will be ready soon!" "Then he went into the kitchen to get busy. At this time, only the nervous Xiao Ming and his mother-in-law's dog Xiaobai were left in the living room.

Suddenly, Xiao Ming found that his stomach hurt sharply, and he thought to himself: No! I must hold back! But he couldn't bear it anymore. Poof! He farted loudly. He thought to himself: He was going to be kicked out! He shouted: "Xiaobai! "Xiao Ming then thought with relief: Fortunately, I have Xiao Bai as my scapegoat.

Then he couldn't help but let out a second fart, and his mother-in-law still shouted: "Xiao Bai! "

When he farted for the third time, he saw his mother-in-law rushing out and yelling: "Xiaobai! You have to wait until you are stink to death before running away, right? ! "

Early one morning, there was the sound of firecrackers, and someone opened a small cinema. A movie was shown on the first day, and the advertisement read "The Story of Seven Men and One Woman" with an explanation. : A beautiful woman fainted inexplicably, and seven men forcibly dragged her into the forest; everyone who was waiting for the beautiful woman found it very attractive and rushed to buy tickets. When the movie was shown, "Snow White" appeared on the big screen, and everyone left in anger. .

The next day, everyone passed by the small theater again and saw that the advertisement had changed. The advertisement read "The Story of Seven Men and One Woman" and explained: The stormy days between the beautiful woman and the seven men. It was so ecstatic (it was definitely not "Snow White"). Everyone felt it was more attractive than last time, and it was clear that it was not "Snow White", so they bought tickets to enter again, and the words "Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea" appeared on the big screen!

Two students with extremely poor grades came together after the exam.

"Jack, how did you do in the exam?" "

"Nothing, I handed in a blank paper. What about you, Xili? "

"Hey, me too! "

"How can it happen? People will say that we are cheating. "

There was a forty-year-old girl who was growing up well, had a job, and had a stable income. One day Xiao Ming asked her: "You are in such good conditions, why aren't you married yet?" The girl replied: I When I was a child, I was on the track and field team. I was injured once and had a scar on the sole of my foot. Xiao Ming asked: What does the scar on the sole of my foot have to do with whether you are married or not? The girl replied: Yes! It doesn't matter to you whether I get married or not. What happened?

One day Xiao Ming fell in love with a very beautiful girl and wanted to chase her. But the girl told him: Wait a minute, I will look in the mirror and see where I am. Even you can’t. Want to chase me?

One day, Xiao Ming dressed up carefully, drove a sports car, and was very excited to go to the party. He thought that with such good conditions, he must be the favorite of many hot girls. Unexpectedly, three dinosaur girls were assigned to ride in his car. Xiao Ming was so angry that he didn't want to say a word and drove with a sad face. Unexpectedly, the dinosaur girls said: Handsome guy, you are in a bad mood! Otherwise, why didn't you say anything? Xiao Ming replied coldly: Have you ever seen a garbage truck driver talking to garbage?

When I was in high school, my classmate from the next door class did a wonderful thing.

There was a teacher who was very bad at teaching in their class. He raised his hand:

"Teacher, I have to make a phone call..."

"Class time What phone number should I call?"

The teacher said displeasedly.

"I'm going to call the police! Someone here is cheating money on the podium!"

The whole class laughed wildly, and the teacher was so angry that he could not speak