Joke website for men and women

Dictator .. I don't have to worry about that. There is no fixed heart in the world. No matter how much he hates you or doesn't want to date you, it doesn't matter. I don't think what you said is enough. You should let him talk more. Don't be impatient when chatting. I have a sentence that may be useful to you. "Abandoning what should be abandoned is helplessness, abandoning what should not be abandoned is incompetence, not abandoning ignorance, but abandoning what should not be abandoned is perseverance.

I only have a few jokes. ..

1, the soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

I haven't heard from you for a long time, and I feel very distressed. I thought of death, and I cut my pulse with potato chips; Hit you on the head with tofu; Jump over buildings with parachutes; Noodles. Everyone can die. You can invite me to dinner and support me to death.

If you feel cold, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live such a life of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: leave! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "I'm so stubborn when I'm fucking ripe."

6. Have you eaten? Please receive the short message. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7, you have grown up, there are some things you should know: the sky is used for wind and rain; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I used it to prove how great human beings are; You are used to stew vermicelli.

8. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

9. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

10, God, it's so blue! Sea water, too salty! Life is too hard! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! What can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

1 1, send you 12 Zodiac. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, cute as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!

12, the beauty of learning is that people are confused; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in her stupidity.

No regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

13 I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you or not. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!

14, have you heard of it? Looking back 500 times in my last life, I brushed it in my life. Close friends like you and me, it seems that they didn't do anything in their last life, but H turned his fucking head!

15, two counterfeiters inadvertently made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried, and the farmer gave them two 7 pieces.

16, your life portrayal: at the age of ten, learn to bathe yourself-pigs wash themselves; Brilliant at the age of twenty ―― when the pig is young; Looking for a job at the age of 30-starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of 50 ―― throw pigs!

17. A female soldier disguised as a male soldier went to the front. After the glorious injury, he was sent to the operating room for rescue. After the operating room doctor came out, he said excitedly to the director: it's too tragic! His lower body was blown away, leaving only a seam, which I sewed.

........

And learn humor. So what is humor?

■ Humor is the embodiment of a special emotion. It is a tool for people to adapt to the environment, and it is a way to relieve mental and psychological pressure when human beings are facing difficulties. Russian writer Chekhov said: People who don't know how to joke are hopeless.

■ Humor is also a display of taste and quality. It is not glib, nor is it sarcasm or satire. As a famous person said, it is difficult to be humorous if you are impetuous, pretentious, boring, stretched and clumsy. Only when you are calm, generous, equal, detached, intelligent and thorough can you be humorous.

■ Humor is a clever and wise expression. It must be based on mature experience and rich knowledge. Only when a person has the ability to assess the situation, extensive knowledge and quick thinking can he be rich in conversation materials and interested in Miao Yan.

There is a difference between a person with a sense of humor and a person who tells jokes or makes people laugh. Only those who deeply understand the inner meaning of humor, point out the shortcomings or advantages of others with wit and agility, and affirm or deny them with a smile, are the people who truly understand humor. Such people are full of interest in life, but they easily deal with many seemingly painful and troublesome things. Dealing with troubles and contradictions with humor can make people feel harmonious, happy and friendly.

The development of humor culture in China is relatively backward. China is a country that has experienced feudal system for thousands of years. People have strong self-restraint and worry too much. They prefer to show their perfect self when interacting with others, and it is difficult to laugh at themselves. Even if humor is mostly directed at a third party, it is simple and direct, with less wisdom and meaning. Now it has developed into a situation where "dirty" jokes, text messages and limerick are flying all over the sky. Personally, these yellow jokes are mostly vulgar and low-level and should be eliminated. Therefore, in life, we should all learn humor, be more humorous, less flustered, less paranoid, less desperate and less vulgar.

So how to cultivate a sense of humor?

■ The first is to expand knowledge. Knowledge is the foundation and source of humor. Knowledge lies in accumulation. To cultivate a sense of humor, first of all, we should read widely, enrich ourselves, constantly collect humorous radio waves from a sea of books, and extract humorous gems from the essence of interesting stories of celebrities.

■ Secondly, cultivate sentiment and face life freely. We should have a tolerant heart, be good at understanding others, learn to be generous and overcome haggling over every ounce. Meanwhile, we should be optimistic about reality. Optimism and humor are close friends. If we have more fun and relaxation, more smiles and games, more optimism and humor in life, there will be no insurmountable difficulties, and we will not be sad and worried all day.

■ Finally, cultivate insight and improve the ability to observe things. Cultivating tact and flexibility is an important aspect to improve the quality of humor. Only by grasping the essence of things quickly and laughing off humorous language with appropriate metaphors can people feel relaxed. Of course, at the same time of humor, we should also pay attention to the flexibility of dealing with different problems, so as to be humorous and unconventional, and truly reflect the charm of humor.

1. When introducing new friends to your girlfriend, please hug her waist instead of standing by pointing fingers.

2. When you meet a beautiful woman in the street, you can stare for less than 5 seconds and quickly point out the fly in the ointment of that beautiful woman compared with her.

If she has done something wrong, she is already very sad. Please take the initiative to bear the responsibility you should or should not bear.

A man who listens to his girlfriend is sure to succeed, so you should listen to her.

She can bully you, but you must never bully her, because although she bullies you, the first thing she thinks of every time something good happens is you!

6. If she cries at you, you should try your best to coax her until she smiles through tears!

7. Post her photo in your wallet, mobile phone ... all the places you often see.

8. Never leave her for more than ten days.

9. In front of her friends, I hope you can show that you love her more and are more nervous about her than usual.

10. A big man doesn't mean bullying.

1 1. Being gentle doesn't mean having no opinion.

12. Being chic doesn't mean not explaining.

13. Don't always say "whatever" when I ask her questions like "where is better to go" and "what to eat". This is not to say that you are accommodating her, but that you can't bear to talk to her.

14. Always say "I love you" to her, otherwise she will think that you don't love her.

15. Never yell at her in public or leave her alone.

16. It doesn't matter to teach her when she does something wrong, the most important thing is to coax her later.

17. Don't ignore her when you lose your temper. Don't give her time to calm down. Actually, she doesn't need time to calm down at all.

18. You can accompany your friends, but you must value your friends.

19. She watches cartoons. Not only are you not allowed to laugh at her, but you should watch it with her.

20. When she misses you, race against time to find a date with her.

2 1. Look at her eyes intently.

22. The tone is low.

23. You can objectively see other excellent girls, but subjectively think that she is the best.

24. If a girl talks to you, you should hold her hand. If she happens not to be around, please keep your distance from them.

25. Hold her hand when crossing the street.

26. Know how to cherish every minute with her.

No matter how busy you are, don't forget to call every day.

28. Sing her love songs often.

29. Two people have the right to be angry, but not on the same day. If she is angry that day, you can't be angry.

30. If your girlfriend's life is not smooth, you should be persuasive, help analyze and put forward some constructive solutions.

3 1. Love your girlfriend very much, resolutely support her decision and obey her leadership.

32. Pay attention to other girls for no more than 5 seconds and look at the same girl for no more than 5 times.

Even if people all over the world don't believe her, you should believe her unconditionally. Because she would do the same to you.

She is wearing beautiful clothes, so you should praise her sincerely.

35. It is forbidden to play poverty and discharge in front of women (3-80 years old). If there is a violation, depending on the seriousness of the case, the girlfriend will crack down severely and quickly. Anyone who quibbles in any form will be punished for obstructing judicial justice.

36. Don't smoke. Fire as soon as you find out.

37. Do not quarrel with your girlfriend for more than 3 minutes (inclusive), and the volume should not exceed 20 decibels (inclusive).

38. To strengthen exercise and keep fit, carry her to the fifth floor in one breath.

39. When she is in a bad mood and loses her temper, hug her instead of arguing with her.

40. I hope there won't be a phenomenon that her mobile phone is dead and there is no other way to contact you. It would be better if you could call her often and tell her "I miss you" and report her whereabouts at any time.

4 1. She has many shortcomings, which is distressing enough. Please don't remind her at any time.

42. Girlfriend's irrationality is coquetry rather than wildness.

43. She wants to share everything with you. Although you may not understand, I hope you pretend to be listening.

The most important thing is to always think that your girlfriend is right. Because she loves you most.

This is my sweet talk to you.

. If one day you think of someone who once loved you, then I am far from one of them. If one day no one in the world loves you anymore, it will be the time for me to die.

4。 Marrying you is not my ultimate goal. I want to grow old with you. I used to accompany you quietly, accompany you and spoil you.

5。 Meeting you in the dust and loving each other is my biggest dream in my life. Let me realize my dream and engrave your beautiful image in my heart.

6。 When happiness comes, I am always afraid that it will disappear at a glance.

7。 May good luck, like a mine, step on you forever; Bad luck is like a meteor, which will never catch you; Wealth, like garbage, can be seen everywhere; Happiness is with you all your life, staring at you like a fly.

8。 I love you, but I dare not say. I'm afraid I'll die as soon as I say it. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm afraid that no one will love you like me after I die.

9。 Miss your every night, miss every moment of your happy time; I hope that every time I miss you, I love you in every second between breaths.

10。 It is a pity that the night is so beautiful, but it has become a habit to miss out on love. Love songs make me waste my romance, and finally the song ends.

1 1。 I understand now that what you lose is always the most precious, but if you only cherish the past and don't grasp the present, you will lose a better future.

12。 Don't ask me how much I love you. I really can't say it. I only know that you have become a habit and an indispensable habit in my life. I can eat and sleep every day, but I can't stop thinking about you.

13。 If every time I miss you can turn into flying dust, it won't be long before there will be a second Sahara desert in this world.

14。 You can eat and sleep every day, and you can't forget that you are my heart. When you stop beating, I mean disappearing.

15。 I always want to tell you something, but I'm afraid of making the same mistake again. I always want to dial a phone number when I want to sleep at night, but it's already early in the morning.

16。 The furthest distance in the world is not the ends of the earth or where will you go, but standing in front of the person you love, but he has already forgotten you.

17。 Maybe I'm just a meteor that glides quietly when you look up at the starry sky occasionally, but I'd like to fall with your pious heart.

18。 I want to rely on you all my life and be the last angel in your relationship.

I hope you can succeed .. You must catch this perfect girl. Don't give him up easily.