Let's tell a joke

Jenny, who is often late, is late again today. However, Jenny's mother asked her to take a note to the manager. The note said, "Sorry, my daughter is often late." This is because there are three young girls in my family and there is only one mirror. "

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Ugly little boy

There is a beautiful lady with a baby in her arms on the train. Passing by an old couple, the old lady glanced at the child and whispered to the old man, Ouch! Never seen such an ugly child! ! Unexpectedly, the young lady was heard in such a low voice, and she was very sad.

After I found my seat, I cried with my child in my arms.

When the train passed the next stop, a young man got on the bus and happened to sit next to the young lady. Seeing her sobbing, she said, Miss, what's the matter with you? Did someone bully you? The young lady kept crying because of her sadness. The gentleman next to him didn't know what to do, so he had to say, miss, you look like this.

How beautiful! Stop crying! Crying will make you ugly. When the young lady heard those ugly words, her emotions were completely out of control and she cried even more sadly. Finally, Mr. Wang had no choice but to take out a banana from his backpack and say to the young lady, Miss, don't cry! Here, give this banana to your monkey.

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infectious disease

You have a malignant infectious disease, the doctor said to the patient. We are going to let you live in the isolation ward, where you can eat pancakes and pizza.

Can pizza and pancakes cure my illness? Of course not. The doctor said, but this is the only food we can squeeze into the door.

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Clever parrot

A man bought a parrot and wanted it to learn civilized language, so he would say good morning when he passed it every morning. It is said that he is not in good spirits this morning. He didn't say anything when he passed by. The bird stared at him coldly and said, hey, what happened to you today?

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Denmark

One evening many years ago, I wandered in a recording shop on the streets of Taipei. While I was selecting CDs, a voice came from behind me ... It turned out to be a successful high school student ... He pointed to a group of three blank videos and asked his boss, who asked, Boss, do you sell them separately (in Denmark)?

But ... the boss actually replied: Sorry! ! High school students, we don't sell porn.

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lighthouse

On a military guide patrolling the far sea, on a foggy night, there seemed to be another military guide not far in front of the military guide, so the signal of "the ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees" was issued. Soon after, the other party also sent a signal-"The ship ahead is moving to the left 15 degrees". The patrol officer felt very strange and sent it again. Not long after, the other side sent another signal: "The ship ahead will move to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk." This time, the patrol learned that the fire was too big and sent a signal-

"The front ship moves to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk. This is a military guide for combat patrol." After about 1 minute, the signal light came. "The ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk. This is a lighthouse."

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plane

In a military exercise, a small team was ordered to wait for the arrival of a helicopter at a designated place, but the plane never arrived. At this time, the captain saw an old woman growing vegetables in the field. So, he asked. To make the old woman understand, he said, Aunt, have you seen an iron bird fly by? Aunt thought.

Think about it and say: the iron bird didn't see it, but the helicopter saw it.

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Husband and wife quarrel

One night, a couple were quarrelling.

Dave: OK, stop it. You will disturb your neighbors in the middle of the night.

The wife argued irrationally: it's five o'clock in the evening, obviously it's half past two in the middle of the night. Why three o'clock?

After quarreling for a while, the husband felt that his wife was unreasonable and slapped her in the face!

The wife shouted: help, you killed someone in the middle of the night!

Husband: I'll tell you why you were beaten in the middle of the night.

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catch cold

A: "My family doesn't care about me at all." B: "How can you say that you had a bad cold and a high fever last winter? Isn't your family around your bed all day? " Answer: "It was the days when my heater just broke down, and they came to keep warm! ! "

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Guan Gong is very relieved.

There is a warlord who likes watching Pingju very much. His most admired historical figure is Guan Gong. One day, the great warlord was watching the Lost Street Pavilion (Guan Gong was one of the main figures). The adjutant suddenly came in to report the failure of the battle ahead to the guards. The doorman flew into a rage and struck the table so hard that all the actors on the stage stood at attention. now

The guard looked at it and said, Guan Gong is at ease and the others stand at attention.

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tariff

The fool brought a myna when he entered the country. The customs officer stopped him and said, "Sir! You myna also have to pay taxes. " "How much should I pay?" "Live 50 yuan, if it is a specimen, it only needs 15 yuan!" At this time, I heard myna hoarse and shouted, "What a fool! Don't be stingy! "

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Dutch joke

One day, the Dutch went to the cinema. After buying the ticket, the Dutchman went into the cinema, but after a while, he went out to buy the ticket again. Then he walked into the cinema. The conductor thought it was strange, but he sold it to him anyway. As a result, a minute later, she saw the Dutchman go to the ticket booth and buy another ticket. This time, the conductor asked him, haven't you already bought the ticket? Why do you want to buy again? The Dutch are very depressed.

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Qi Guohe

The thief stole a chicken and was plucking its hair by the river when a policeman came. The thief hurriedly put the chicken into the river.

The policeman asked, what are you doing? What is in the river?

The thief said that it was a chicken. It is going to cross the river. I'm here to look after his clothes. ...

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Memory deep

Mother and daughter went to visit their daughter's boyfriend's art exhibition. Mother found one of the nude portraits of her daughter, so she asked:

You didn't draw him naked, did you? Ah, no, the daughter replied. He drew it from memory.

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amount to

A fifty-year-old woman. Dressed up. Charming and beautiful, as if she were a teenager.

At a banquet. The old woman met a great writer ... she asked, "I said great writer." How old do you think I look? " The great writer replied, "Madam, your talk is as innocent and lively as a girl of 14 years old, and your behavior is as light and charming as a girl of 16 years old." ...

Play with youthful energy. "The old woman a listen to not more than twenty years old. I was so happy that I almost hugged the great writer. ...

She immediately raised her voice and asked ... "Can you tell me how old I am?"

"Oh. Hmm! ! Just add up the three figures I just said. "

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swordsmanship

At the World Fencing Exhibition Conference, the third-ranked swordsman was the first to appear. The staff released a fly, and the swordsman quickly waved his hand and split the fly in half, and the audience applauded. Then the second swordsman divided the fly into four parts. At this time, the audience was silent, and people were waiting for the greatest swordsman in the world.

Performing. I saw him carrying a sword up the wind, and the blade of the sword cut straight at the fly, but the fly did not move. The greatest swordsman missed the target at all, and the audience was shocked, but the swordsman was still smiling. Someone shouted, "What are you proud of? You missed! " The swordsman replied:

"Look carefully, the fly is still alive, but it will never be a father."

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The same tone

After a few drinks, he walked behind a woman and took her arm: "Please dance." The woman turned back and he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife."

"I feel sorry for her," the woman said angrily. "You are a typical incompetent husband."

"That's strange," he said in surprise. "You even sound like my wife."

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Cold War

One day ... Mr. Zhang and Mrs. Zhang had another cold war. But no one will talk to each other first. So ... The two men have been continuing the cold war. ...

The next day. Mr. Zhang had a meeting early in the morning ... so ... Mr. Zhang took a note to Mrs. Zhang ... which read. Wake me up at 7 tomorrow morning.

The next morning. When Mr. Zhang got up ... it was already eight o'clock ... He was anxious and angry ... but he found a note on the side ... which said ... damn it. It's 7: 30, don't get up too fast. ...

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Chain reaction! !

When the female singer practiced singing ... the dog next door kept barking. ...

The female singer said, Mr. Wang ... can you stop your dog from barking?

Wang: As long as you don't sing. It won't bark! !

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road sign

A driver got lost in a foggy night, vaguely saw a road sign on the side of the road, and stopped his car. But it's so foggy that I can't see what it says clearly. So I decided to climb up and have a look. I finally climbed to the top and finally read the words on it: wet paint.

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The horse lost weight.

My wife wants to lose weight, so she goes cycling every day.

What was the result?

The horse lost 40 pounds in a month.

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The price fluctuation of cats.

In the market, a customer asked, "Hello! How much is this cat? "

"Sir, 100 francs."

"But yesterday you only wanted 20 francs."

"Because this morning it ate a parrot worth 80 francs from my family."

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Which way?

There is a man lying opposite the front seat of the theater, and four seats are occupied by one person. The lady with a seat said to him, sir, a person can only take one seat. He just snorted and didn't move. The young lady invited the theater manager, who said politely, "Please sit down, sir. One person can only occupy one seat. " He just snorted and didn't act. The manager had to call the police. The policeman said, "Dude, you are amazing! Where are you from? " The man snorted and said, "How about ... the one who fell in the upstairs aisle ..."

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Mechanical replication

Husband: What's the matter with you? This beef pie is undercooked.

Wife: But I made it according to the recipe. The menu is for four people, and there are only two of us, so I cut the material in half. Of course, the cooking time is also half less than that in the book.

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ballute

After the first class, the teacher of the skydiving modeling school asked the students if they had any questions. "How much do we have to pay for each jump?" A student asked, "10 $!" Another student looked a little nervous and stood up and asked, "What if the parachute doesn't open when skydiving?" "Don't worry, if you can't open the parachute, we will refund your money." The teacher replied.

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tooth

A father took his little daughter to the hospital to have her teeth extracted ... On the way home, he asked her if her teeth still hurt.

Daughter: I don't know Leave your teeth to the dentist? ……

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Ambiguity of language

A young girl and a handsome young man are dating in the park. Suddenly, I was a little embarrassed. The girl asked, "What's the matter with you?"

Xiao Sheng said shyly, "I want to be convenient."

The girl didn't understand, but I didn't know that "convenience" meant going to the toilet until I saw Xiaosheng walking to the public toilet.

After a while, the girl asked Xiao Sheng, "When will you come to my house to play?"

Xiao Sheng replied, "I want to go at your convenience."

……

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diagnose

Grandma and granddaughter are in the consulting room.

"unbutton your clothes." The doctor said to the beautiful girl.

"No, doctor," the old lady said, "I'm a patient".

"Are you? Then stick out your tongue. "

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evidence

The lawyer questioned the traffic police: "Can a person kneeling in the middle of the road prove that he is drunk?" "Of course not, sir," replied the policeman, "but this gentleman knelt in the middle of the road and rolled up the white line drawn in the middle of the road."

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Drunk people

One day, a drunk walked out of Portman Hotel, got into a taxi and said to the driver, "Get on Portman." I fell asleep. The driver was shocked, woke up the drunk and said, "You are in Portman now." After listening, the drunk handed the money to the driver and said, "Keep the change." Before getting off the bus, he said to the driver with concern, "Don't drive too fast in the future, it's dangerous.