Please tell them 20 hilarious jokes to a friend of the opposite sex.

1. Yesterday, I received a QQ message requesting to be added as a friend: "I am your mother." I immediately replied "I am your father!" and rejected it. Then I received a message from my mother. The phone said: "Add me, hurry up!"

2. On the eve of Singles' Day, I received a text message from my girlfriend "Happy Singles' Day." I replied: I have a girlfriend, but I am not a bachelor! Received another one: When you receive this text message, you are.

3. I farted on the bus.

I saw people around me waving their hands with painful expressions.

I waved too.

The lady next to me turned her head and said to me: Stop pretending.

4. My wife and I went to the Temple of the Reclining Buddha. My wife couldn’t walk on the road, so I carried her on my back. An old woman saw it and said seriously: "Look, you are also a person who has read a book." If your wife is sick, you should go to the hospital as soon as possible. Praying to Buddha is useless.

5. I went to a friend’s house to play. It happened that the friend’s wife was breastfeeding (breast milk), and the child happened to be unwilling to breastfeed. So I joked to the child: Eat quickly, or the uncle will eat it.

6. The day before yesterday, my boss, a man who seemed to really understand, was looking behind my computer for a long time and said, "Xiao Ke, do you also grow vegetables? This is working time!"

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I collected the melon seed peels. . . . . Look at him

Say, "Mr. Zhang, this is my desktop. Which vegetable patch do you see standing on Super Mario?"

7. My brother is riding on the bus *** When driving, a beautiful girl in the car always looked at him. The younger brother thought to himself: The girl might be interested in him, and he couldn't help but feel happy. The girl got off at the station. When the younger brother saw this, he immediately followed. The girl walked in front, looking back from time to time. The younger brother mustered up the courage to run forward and chatted up humorously: "Miss, why do you always look at me? Is there a grain of rice on my face?" The girl glared at him and said, "Are you sick? You know that. "The dormitory is on the 6th floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn't bring the key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt to get it. Then I climbed up to open the door. I went down to return the key. When I climbed up, I found that the door was closed. , a classmate next door passed by and asked, "I see your door is open, let me close it for you."...

9. In the evening, my girlfriend said that I was too girly and I was very angry, so I quarreled with her. I got up, originally I wanted to look more manly, but in the end I couldn't control myself and started crying.

10. A buddy mustered up the courage to express his deep feelings to MM on QQ. After a while, MM replied: I am her mother, and I am here to steal food.

11. On the birthday of a female classmate, the four of us discussed sending her a "Happy Birthday" at midnight. Each of us sent one word, and I got the second one. As a result, they didn't send it.

12. When a student went to the toilet during class, he found that he had no paper with him after taking a pee, no one was waiting for him, and his mobile phone was in arrears. In desperation, he called 10086 and asked for help... It is said that there was silence for a long time. Later... his classmate received this text message during class: Hello, dear China Mobile user, your classmate so and so is in the toilet, Let you give him toilet paper. For details, please call 10086

13. I saw a NetEase comment when I woke up in the morning

First floor: Everyone, calm down, come over and listen to what the fifth floor has to say?

Second Floor: I think what Floor 5 said makes sense.

Third Floor: The 5th Floor speaks the voice of the people

The 4th Floor: The 5th Floor really speaks very well!

Fifth floor: Everything upstairs is SB

14. In 1955, China's per capita income was 3.2 times that of South Korea and 1.1 times that of Japan. But after more than 50 years of "earth-shaking" growth, China's per capita income in 2008 was 3% of Japan's and 7% of South Korea's.

15. When I had nothing to do in the morning, I checked the company’s homepage and saw new recruitment information. I clicked on it out of boredom and was shocked to find that my position was listed...

16. That classmate from Bei Feng fell in love with a mother-daughter duo. The girl was so nice. After a fierce ideological struggle, classmate Bei Feng followed them all the way to the parking lot and finally took action.

Bei Feng: Hello, aunt!

Mom: Well...

Bei Feng: That's right, I want to get to know your daughter.

Mom: She is my daughter-in-law~

Bei Feng fainted on the spot, the girl's face turned red, but her mother was very open-minded: "Young man, you are quite courageous, haha... ”

After that, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law drove away.

17. There was a big brother in the dormitory one day who asked who this wma was. Many of the songs in my MP3 were sung by him.

18. The teacher called the name in class: "Liu Hua!" "As a result, the next child shouted back: "yeah!" The teacher was very angry: "Why didn't you say 'to'?" The child said: "That word is pronounced 'ye'...".

19. I suddenly discovered that I have an aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt, and a fifth aunt, but I don’t have a third aunt. So I asked my dad: Why don’t I have a third aunt? I also thought for a moment: Did my third aunt die when she was young? My dad said: Your third aunt is your mother!

20. I wanted to make a joke with my boyfriend. I pretended to find a pair of women's underwear (actually mine) from under his bed, and then questioned him. At first he refused to admit it, but later he found it under my tight pants. After being forced, he actually hugged me and started to admit his mistake.

21. NetEase Hubei Yichang netizen [7] (221.233.*.*)’s original post:

Once my husband and I had a fight and felt very uncomfortable, so I took advantage of my husband’s deep sleep. At that time, I squatted over his head and prepared to fart for him to smell and relieve his anger. Unexpectedly, I used too much force and directly pooped a pile of shit on his face.

22. The man was on a business trip and suddenly came home. He heard the man snoring at the door. The man walked away silently and sent a text message to his wife: Get a divorce.

Three years later, his wife told him: He was the little lion of Rising back then!

23. Once the bell rang after class and everyone had to go home. When I went down the stairs, I stepped on it with my left foot. When I reached my right foot, it fell in the middle of the road with a big "snap"... I thought at that time: No, I'm really embarrassed, I'm pretending to be dizzy.

As a result, the classmate next to me saw that I was motionless, so he quickly helped me up, and then slapped me wildly from left to right...

24. A classmate, his computer will turn on every morning It turned on automatically (probably because it turned on instantly when the phone came in in the morning in the dormitory).

As a result, the old man took a charm and stuck it on the computer.

25. My father dislikes foreign singers the most. But one day, when I was watching Michael Jackson's MTV, I suddenly found my father standing behind watching with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Dad, do you like watching this too?"

Dad shook his head: "Mao Amin is getting more and more ugly."

26. A female friend shares a house with a gay man . One night when she was very depressed, the gay man thoughtfully ordered her a bowl of noodles. She suddenly felt very warm and said, "How about we just make do with each other." Unexpectedly, the gay man's face suddenly changed: "You don't want a man, but I do!" ”

27. One day, in the middle of the physical education class, I went to the restroom to solve a personal problem. As a result, I accidentally entered the men’s restroom in a hurry. I saw a boy peeing in the urinal. I was confused at the time, and I was about to prepare a second later. I quietly retreated, but was discovered and fainted. I saw the boy yelling "Rogue, indecent" and then covering his chest with his hands. Later, I said something that was incredible to me, "Classmate, you are covering the wrong place..."

28. When I was drunk and dizzy, I went to a restaurant bathroom to urinate. I saw a sentence written on the wall. I took a closer look and it said: "Don't look here and concentrate on peeing." "By the time I finished reading this sentence, I had peed on my own shoe.

29. I am a rescue doctor. Today a patient told me that he only had 6 months to live. I want to say Some words of encouragement! Comfort: Six months will pass soon, stay strong!

30. Every time my wife and husband quarrel, my wife will run to the toilet and stay there for half a day. This happens too many times. The husband had to ask his wife: What are you doing in the toilet? It seems to relieve the anger? The wife said: Brushing the toilet! The husband asked if brushing the toilet can relieve the anger? The wife said: I don’t know, anyway, I use your toothbrush every time. .

31. Once I went to a manga bar and rented a copy of Kindaichi. As soon as I saw the second page, I burst into tears. Someone drew a circle on a certain character with a blue ballpoint pen. Write, this is the murderer...

32. When I got on the bus in the afternoon, I took out my bus card and threw it into the coin hole

33. On a whim, I used my photo as a pawn. Computer desktop...then my computer was infected...

34. A classmate from high school talked in his sleep

"My beloved, my dear, don't leave me"

I turned to stone...

After a while

"The mighty Qing Dynasty has perished like this, I am not willing to accept it, I am not willing to accept it"

I collapsed directly ……

35. Our math teacher always likes to tell jokes that no one laughs at, so we decided to prank him as a class and wait until he said his first sentence in class. At one sentence, we all laughed in unison.

That day he came in and said after a moment of silence that his father had passed away

I immediately laughed loudly, and everyone else was silent.

36. When I was in primary school, I only had a few cents of pocket money every day. Once I saved up for a few days and finally bought a pack of spiced melon seeds. During class, I ate them all secretly and put all the melon seed shells on the table. The desk drawer is gone.

When I came to class in the afternoon, I was greedy for the melon seed shells again, so I put the melon seed shells in my mouth and sucked them all over again. I felt that they tasted good.

When get out of class was over, a classmate asked me what to eat, and I had to say melon seed shells. Specially bought spiced melon seed shells, only the shells without meat, just for the taste. . As a result, a group of classmates gathered around my seat that afternoon and ate the melon seed shells that I had licked twice. . . .

Is the 37.2L photo yours? It's so beautiful. It saved me a lot of money and I don't have to eat this year.

38. When I was visiting the supermarket, I saw a cashier counting a pile of coins very seriously. A child ran past, singing as he ran: There is a group of ducks passing under the bridge in front of the door, come on, come on, count them. Number, two, four, six, seven, eight. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and threw back the half-counted coins and counted them again....

39. We had a kid (male) in our previous dormitory who was a bit stupid (stupid) and Sometimes he's so cute. One night after the lights were turned off, everyone was chatting again, and he said that when I get rich, I will find three girls. Our tastes were aroused by him. When we asked him what to do next, we saw him calmly saying, playing mahjong...

40. Downstairs, the funeral team was playing "Go Home Often". I don't know. What did the family think.

41. I met a great guy on the subway in the morning. On the subway, suddenly a buddy's phone rang loudly. All the passengers heard: Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . . Grandpa, your grandson called you again. . . . Grandpa, your grandson called you again. . . . . I saw the guy slowly taking out his cell phone and answering: Hey, dad, what's the matter? . . .

42. Reminds me of an incident in college

In the final exam of the university, the exam number was required to be filled in on the test paper

I fucking wrote my QQ number

43. The head teacher in my junior high school was very cruel. Every Friday before school, he would hold a class meeting to lecture me. Once, she was so excited that she said righteously, "Why are you so unsatisfactory? I will drain my milk for this class." At that time, I and several classmates around me couldn't bear to laugh, so we had to bury our heads deeply. I remember a buddy lying on the desk, biting his hand hard. . .

44. A male colleague has been pestering his best friend to develop a relationship with her. He shamelessly made excuses to ask for her phone number all day long. My best friend felt helpless and touched her pocket. Last week, it was the 5th anniversary of the elderly family member. She went to a cemetery and happened to buy a pack of tissues with the phone number of the crematorium on it. Then he gave the number to his male colleague.

The next day, a man was very confused and told everyone that he called to ask if Ms. XX was there? The other party replied: Was it delivered before yesterday? The one from yesterday has been burned, but the one from today has not yet been put into the furnace.

45. There was a dating meeting where I had to fill in personal information.

I was stupid and naive and filled in my occupation and zodiac sign backwards.

Originally this was not a problem! But my zodiac sign is Rooster...

46. We went to Xuyang Township for research, and the township leader personally accompanied us to the village head. My stomach feels uncomfortable and I suddenly want to take convenience. The village chief pointed to the thatched hut in front and said, "That's right there."

I hurried towards the thatched shed. As soon as I pushed open the straw curtain, I saw my sister-in-law going to the toilet, so I quickly backed out. At this time, the sister-in-law in the shed shouted: Brother, I looked aside and moved, the two of us squatted down...

47. My friend in the dormitory raped him, and one day he found a mosquito in the mosquito net. After working hard for a long time and failing to catch any, the buddy sighed and said, "Damn, I'll starve you to death!" Then he quickly put away the mosquito net. He endured not hanging the mosquito net for several days, and finally the mosquitoes starved to death. Ours Sweat~~~~~This is nothing, right? Many people have done it.

One day, we found a fly flying into the mosquito net and told us: "I have to kill him." We said: "Flies are very hungry. It seems you can't rely on them."

"Look," the man picked up a novel, got into the mosquito net, and sealed it. While reading the novel, I kept waving my fan to prevent the flies from landing. After two hours, the flies finally stopped flying. He leaned over and poked the fly and said: "Fly, you, I haven't read enough of the master's book yet."

48. I remember one time I went to the swimming pool with my parents, and when I first entered the gate, I saw a social The young man had tattoos all over his body, a shaved head, and a big gold chain around his neck! When we got into the water and got used to the temperature, we saw the brother walking swaggeringly and stood in the water. The thunder thing happened. . . The big, thick gold chain around his neck floated on the water. . . . .

49. On July 22, 2009, I met a buddy on a BBS and said: "TMD, it turns out that the solar eclipse is during the day, so I waited all night in vain."

50. When female friends go to a wedding banquet and ask us what to wear, we will be hit on. The answer is: red or white cheongsam. So I went to the hotel elegantly wearing a cheongsam.

I came back to report in the evening, and I was struck by numerous chats today. The chat topics included: Haven’t all the dishes on our table been served yet? Miss, please serve some rice. Two bottles of snow beer! Where is the toilet? Is this the wedding banquet of XX and XX?