Humorous jokes cost nothing if you laugh your ass off.

1. Walking the dog in the morning, I saw a pupil sitting on the steps pouting with his schoolbag on his back. The puppy rushed over and barked. The child cried at that time, crying and shouting: The puppy still bit me. Do you think I'm not miserable enough? ! I have started school.

I saw two children playing with fire while walking yesterday. Child A said, Do you know what this is?

Child b: it's on fire! What else can it be!

Child A: This is not an ordinary fire, this is a bonfire! Do you know what a bonfire is? The one who can call the army!

Child b: will you call the army?

Child a: yes! If we make the fire bigger, we will call the fire department. . .

My husband loves to drink, and he also likes to invite friends to drink at home.

That day, I found a bottle of wine in my daughter's room. Thinking of her unhappy expression when her husband and cousin were drinking the night before, I asked my daughter: Did you take your father's wine last night? ?

? You didn't see how drunk he was. If you want to drink more, I will confiscate their wine. ? Speaking of which, my daughter is angry.

? Did he quarrel with you? ?

My daughter gave me a white look: think about it, can the dog not worry about taking away the bones that the dog is eating? ?

Today, I was playing computer at home, and my son came to ask for money, but I didn't give it, so he left.

Later, he came over and said, do you believe I can turn off the computer with this?

As soon as I saw it, he took the air conditioner remote control and said, if you can turn off the computer with it, I will give you 100 yuan. ?

Then I saw him press the computer switch with the remote control.

I'll go. . .

5. People are rich, but money is worthless! People are worthless without money! People! A love word, a lifetime, a money word, a lifetime!

6. There are seven words floating in the sky, which are full of things all day; There was no road in front of the mountain, so I threw the car and ran; For fun, it's still me who looks in the mirror.

7. Time is a rolling pin, which sometimes rolls vertically and sometimes horizontally. . .

8. May you spend your whole life chasing plays, drinking and swiping your card. Eat snacks at night and sleep, and be woken up by courier in the morning.

9. Shanglian: The salary in hand is barely enough to live; Bottom line: at present, such housing prices are simply forcing people to jump off a building.

10, marriage is the grave of love, and all divorcees are ghosts who climb out of the grave!

1 1, the pressure is not that someone is working harder than you, but that people who are several times better than you are still working hard! ! !

12, people often say: that woman is not only ugly, but also has such a bad personality. ?

It is fair to think that the world is so bad for ugly people. Why should ugly people be gentle with everyone?

13. When I was young, I liked to push the road. When I was drunk, I bragged with my friends. Seven people defy eight, and I don't like anything. I think I'm great. I was proud and in full bloom. I scolded Fang Qiu. The road ahead is infinitely beautiful.

Now I walk out of the restaurant and see drunken young people walking side by side, but I don't feel any youthful and frivolous breath at all. I just feel like a bunch of homeless wild dogs licking each other's wounds.

14, two people get married and empty the savings of two families to buy a house, a car and decorate home appliances? This thing itself is quite boring.

The house was bought, the car was bought, and the home decoration was perfect. Is this happiness? What are those two going to do next? Looking after the family and having children?

Everything is perfect, so the next step should be downhill.

15, I went out on a date with a girl, fantasizing that I might play kiss. In order to prevent the trouble of taking off my glasses, I specially brought my contact lenses.

Now it seems that my decision is correct. If I wear glasses, my glasses will break!

16, went downstairs for dinner and saw a couple. The woman was playing with her mobile phone, the man was feeding her, and the woman said: Hey, very skilled! ?

The man is very proud: of course it's from practice! ?

The woman's face changed immediately, and she slapped the table with a meal in her mouth and scolded, Who did you practice with? ?

The man thought for a moment and said intermittently, Dog! ?

17、? My girlfriend's parents are superstitious and want her to break up with me. ?

? Say you're incompatible? ?

? No, say I have no five senses. ?

18, reading in the study, my girlfriend came in wearing newly bought lace underwear, looking sexy and charming.

She said to me in a charming voice, honey, do you want it? ?

I said excitedly:? Want! Take it off quickly and let me try it on! ?

19, a buddy was sitting next to a beautiful woman who was eating snacks while she was not paying attention. . .

The woman was not worried, but just smiled at him. This guy has more guts. She put her arms around the beauty's waist, and when she saw the beauty eating snacks, she reached for it. Dad? The beauty slapped herself, only to hear the girl say angrily: You can eat tofu, but you can't eat my snacks! ?