English humorous jokes

The real friends around you have little to do with your beauty or ugliness, or whether you have money or not. Here, I collect English humorous jokes for you. Let's learn humor together and collect popularity!

1, I understand what he said.

While eating in a restaurant, I scolded my four-year-old son for talking with his mouth full. I only hear the sound of "baa baa".

"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand what you are saying.

"He said he wanted some ketchup," my husband said quietly. A woman sitting next to her leaned over and asked, "How on earth do you understand him?"

"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.

When eating in a restaurant, I scolded my 4-year-old son for talking with his mouth full. "Oh, what?" That's all I heard. "Joe," I scolded, "no one understands what you are saying." "He said he wanted some ketchup," my husband said quietly. A woman sitting next to her leaned over and asked, "How on earth did you understand what he said?" "I'm a dentist." My husband explained.

I can go home now.

One day after school, the teacher said to his students, "tomorrow morning, if any of you can answer my first question." I will allow him or her to go home early. " The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard painted. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up! " "It's me," Bob said. "Now, I can go home. Goodbye, sir! "

One day, after school, the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any of you can answer my first question, I will allow him or her to go home first." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found that the blackboard was scribbled. He was very angry and asked, "Who painted it?" Please stand up. "Bob said," it's me, sir. Now I can go home. Goodbye. "

3. How to take out the chewing gum?

The stewardess handed out chewing gum to the passengers, explaining that it was to prevent their ears from bursting. When the plane landed, a passenger rushed up to her and said, "I'm going to see my wife soon." How can I get the gum out of my ear?

How to take out chewing gum When the flight attendant distributed chewing gum to passengers, she explained that chewing gum helped prevent tinnitus. After the plane landed, a passenger ran up to the stewardess and said, "I'm going to see my wife soon." How can I get the gum out of my ear? "

Who is the first man in the world?

A teacher said to her students, "Who was the first man?" "George Washington," a little boy shouted at once.

"How do you know that George Washington was the first man?" The teacher asked, smiling tolerantly. "Because," said the little boy, "he is the first person in war, the first person in peace and the first person in the hearts of Chinese people." But then an older boy raised his hand. "Well," the teacher said to him, "who do you think is the first man?"

"I don't know his name," said the older boy, "but I know he's not George Washington, madam, because the history book says that George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man before him."

A teacher asked her students, "Who is the first man in the world?" A little boy immediately shouted, "George Washington." The teacher asked the boy with a coquettish smile, "How do you prove that George Washington is the first man in the world?" The boy said, "Because he was the first to wage war, the first to advocate peace, and the first to win the hearts of the people." At this time, an older boy raised his hand and the teacher asked him, "Who do you think is the first man in the world?" The boy replied, "I don't know his name, but I'm sure he's not George Washington, because history books say that George Washington married a widow, so of course there was a man before him."

I didn't expect it to be so expensive.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed while trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What if you say I bought this watch and then we forget about it? " The manager agreed and wrote down the sales slip. The swindler looked at the list and said, "This is a little more than my budget."

A thief was caught red-handed when he tried to steal a watch in a jewelry store. "Listen," said the thief, "I know you don't want any trouble either. I buy this watch, and then we pretend that nothing happened. What do you think? " The manager agreed and made a sales list. The thief looked at the list and said, "This is a little higher than my initial budget. Is there anything cheaper? "

6, the judgment of the blind

Once upon a time there was a blind man. One day, when he was walking, he

I woke up the sleeping dog's head. The dog barked for a while. The blind man walked on for several miles. This time he stepped on the tail of another dog, so the dog barked. The blind man thought it was the first dog, so he said in surprise that it was a miracle that the dog was so long.

Once upon a time there was a blind man. One day, while walking, he stepped on the head of a sleeping dog, and the dog barked for a while. The man walked on, this time stepping on another dog's tail, and the dog barked again. The blind man thought it was the same dog, and said in surprise, strange, this dog is really long.

7. I didn't see another piece

Mom: Johnny, I put two cakes in the cupboard this morning, and now there is only one left. Can you explain it? Johnny: Well, I think it was so dark that I didn't notice the other side.

Mom: Johnny, I put two snacks in the cupboard this morning. Now there is only one piece left. Can you explain it? Johnny: Well, I don't think I saw the other one because it was too dark inside.

Step 8 entertain

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest because there was no cheese in the apple pie she served. The little boy in this family quietly left the room for a while and came back with a piece of cheese and put it on the guest's plate. The guest smiled, put the cheese in his mouth and said, "Son, your eyes are definitely better than your mother's. Where did you find the cheese? " "In the rat trap, sir," the boy replied.

The hostess apologized to the guests because there was no cheese at home when they ate apple pie. The little boy in this family left home quietly. After a while, he returned to his room with a piece of cheese and put it on the guest's plate. The guest smiled and put the cheese in his mouth and said, "Son, your eyes are just better than your mother's. Where did you find the cheese? " "On the mousetrap, sir." The little boy said.

9. New teacher

George came back from school on September 1st. "George, what do you think of your new teacher?" His mother asked. "Mom, I don't like her because she said that three plus three equals six, and then she said that two plus four equals six ..."

On September 1 day, George came home from school. George, do you like your new teacher? Mom asked. "Mom, I don't like it, because she said that three plus three equals six, and later she said that two plus four equals six."

10, pencil

Astronaut's Pen In the hot stage of the space race in the1960s, NASA decided that it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero-gravity environment of the space capsule. After a lot of research and development, the development cost of astronaut pen is about1000000 USD. This pen is used as a novelty on the earth and has achieved some success. The Soviet Union faced the same problem with a pencil.

In the 1960s, when the United States and the Soviet Union were in the white-hot stage of the space race, NASA decided to develop a ballpoint pen so that it could still write in the zero-gravity environment of the space capsule. After a lot of research and development work, the space pen was finally developed at a cost of about one million dollars. That pen can really write in space, and it has really attracted some attention as a novel gadget after returning to earth. Faced with the same problem, the Soviet Union chose a pencil.

1 1, the absent-minded teacher

Absent-minded Professor One day, a notoriously absent-minded professor was seen walking in the street, with one foot in the gutter and the other on the sidewalk. A student who met him said, "Good evening, Professor. How are you? " "Well," the professor replied, "I thought I was fine when I left home, but now I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been limping for half an hour. "

One day, a famous absent-minded teacher was seen walking on the road, with one foot in the gutter and the other on the sidewalk. A student who met him said, "Good night, teacher. What's wrong with you? " "Ah," the teacher replied, "I think I was fine when I left home. Now I don't know what's wrong. I've been limping for half an hour. "

Whose son is the greatest?

The mothers of four priests got together to discuss their son. "My son is a bishop," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people will say,' Hello, sir'." The second mother went on to say, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people will say,' hello, sir'. "

"My son is a cardinal." Go on to the next one. "When he enters a room, people will say,' Hello, your eminence'.

"The fourth mother thought for a moment." "My son is six feet ten inches tall and weighs 300 pounds," she said. When he enters a room, people will say, "Oh, my God"! "

The mothers of four priests got together to talk about their son. "My son is a priest," said the first mother proudly. "When he enters the room, people will say,' Hello, sir'."

The second mother said, "My son is a bishop. When he entered the room, people said,' Hello, my Lord'. " "My son is a cardinal," continued the third mother. "When he enters the room, people will say,' Hello, Sir'."

The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is 6 feet 10 inch tall and weighs 300 pounds," she said. "If he walks into the room, people will say,' Oh, my God!

13, brother of the king

A poor man appeared before the king of Spain, asked his charity and told him that he was his brother. The king wanted to know how he claimed to be a relative, and the poor man replied, "We are all descendants of the same father and mother-that is to say. , Adam and Eve. " The king gave him a small copper coin. The poor man began to bemoan himself and said, "shouldn't your majesty give more to your brother?" "Go, go," the king replied; "If all your brothers in the world give you as much as I do, you will be richer than me."

A poor man went to see the king of Spain, said he was his brother, and asked the king for charity. The king wants to know why he wants to know his relatives. The poor man replied, "We have a common ancestor-Adam and Eve." Hearing this, the king gave him a small copper coin. So the poor man began to cry foul and said, "Is that all your majesty gave your brother?" "Go away, go away," the king replied. "If all your brothers in the world give you a copper coin like me, you will be richer than me."

Talk to God

He said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" God said, "a penny", and then the man said, "God, what is a million years to you? "God said: one second", and then the man said: "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Right away."

He asked, "Lord, what does a million dollars mean to you?" God replied: a penny. The man asked again, "What about a million years?" "God said," one second. Finally, the man asked, "God, can I have a penny?" "? " God replied, "Right away."

15, adult's choice

In the year before my son 18 years old, he kept asking for permission to tattoo, but I refused to sign the permission. He argued that he would soon become a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough, a few days after his18th birthday, he went home with a tattoo. Although I am not happy about it, I really want to know what symbol he chose. On his shoulder, there is a two-inch tall image of Mickey Mouse.

In the year before my son 18 years old, he often asked me to allow him to get a tattoo. But I refused to allow him to do so. He argued that he would soon become a man and said that he should be able to make an adult choice. Sure enough, a few days after his eighteenth birthday, he got tattooed and returned home. Although I am not happy about it, I want to see what male symbol he chose out of curiosity. It turned out that he had a two-inch Mickey Mouse tattooed on his shoulder.

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