The witty words of the great leader

Boss: You're welcome. Without you, our company will be very different!

Clerk: If I work too hard, maybe I'll quit.

Boss: Don't worry, I won't let this happen!

Clerk: Can I take the weekend off?

Boss: Of course! This is the bottom line!

Clerk: Do you usually work overtime until the wee hours every day?

Boss: No way. Who told you that?

Clerk: Is there a meal fee?

Boss: Needless to say, it must be higher than peers!

Clerk: Is there any risk of sudden death at work?

Boss: No! Why do you think that?

Clerk: Does the company organize tours regularly?

Boss: This is our express rule!

Clerk: Do I need to go to work on time?

Boss: No, it depends.

Clerk: How about the salary? Will it be delivered on time?

Boss: All the time!

Clerk: Is everything done by new employees?

Boss: How is that possible? There are many senior colleagues above you!

Clerk: Can I compete if there is a vacancy in the leadership position?

Boss: There is no doubt that this is the survival mechanism of our company!

Clerk: Are you kidding?

Look at the real scene after entering the company (from the back to the front)

When I asked my boss for a day off,

The boss wrote this letter and answered me like this:

Do you want to take a day off? See what you want from the company.

You can work 365 days a year.

52 weeks a year, you have two days off every week, leaving 26 1 day to work.

You are absent from work every day 16 hours. If you subtract 170 days, 9 1 day remains.

You spend 30 minutes drinking coffee every day, which adds up to 23 days a year, leaving 68 days.

The time you spend on lunch every day is 1 hour, 46 days and 22 days.

Usually you take two sick days a year, so your working hours are only 20 days.

There are five holidays every year, the company doesn't go to work, and you only work 15 days.

The company generously gives you 14 days holiday every year, and you work 1 day.

Are you taking a fucking vacation today?

The content of my reply

Why don't you say something?

I go to work at 8:30 every day and leave home at 8: 10. In the meantime, I worked for the company (but ..... I didn't get the money).

I get off work at 17:30 every day and get home at 18:00 (I work in the company during this time, but ... I didn't get the money).

The company stipulates that you can't wear shirts, suits and shoes casually, but I hate wearing shirts, suits, pants and shoes. I had to pay for it myself, and the company didn't give me any money.

Watching the computer every day does great harm to my eyes. My myopia increases at least 100 degrees every year on average, and I have to pay my own medical expenses in the future. In order to damage my permanent health at work, the company does not provide subsidies in this regard.

Using the mouse and keyboard every day makes my shoulder ache to death. You have to buy your own salon stickers when you go back. This branch doesn't provide salon stickers, so you have to pay for it yourself.

Every time there is a case, you leave a message, and I will try my best to write a plan for you to make a job. No matter when and where, I will dream in the middle of the night, and the company will not pay me overtime.

The client was upset, and the company called me and growled in my ear, which made me weak and lost my appetite, and I had to burn the midnight oil to catch the case. I was suspected of overwork, and the company refused to give me money and insurance.

Every day, I hope my colleagues and customers can cooperate at work, so I should buy a souvenir for my colleagues and customers when I go out to play, and make good relations. I still have to pay for this souvenir myself.

I just took an extra day off, so I'll solve it there. I either work for a few hours every day or drink coffee for a few hours (although I seldom drink it).

If you are a few minutes late, you will deduct my money, and ask for a few sick days every year for work-related injuries, and count it with me.

Even if I have lunch every day, it's just to have a mental time to go to work in the afternoon. Count it in for me.

Then he finally asked me in dirty words, "Do you want to take a fucking day off?"

Are you going to sign me or not?

The picky boss happened to meet a difficult employee. On this day, the two of them started from a small matter and triggered the following dialogue-

Boss: The computer you use belongs to the company. Don't store any personal data, including photos of yourself, your wife and children. If you watch these things every day, you can't work well.

Employee: Then you can't let me use my computer to help you with anything at home. I can't waste my electricity, and I can't wear my finger for you in my spare time.

Boss: At the same time, I hope you don't deal with any personal affairs during office hours, such as haircut and manicure.

Employee: I have to remind you that the part of my hair I cut off and the part of my nails I cut off all work long hours.

Boss: You can't talk to others on the company phone during office hours.

Employee: Then when I rest at home, I won't take any calls from you.

Boss: The company gives you a car for company business. You can't always drive around in the company car.

Employee: You are matching me a pair of leather shoes. My own shoes are stepping on the accelerator of the company car, and I really can't bear to part with it. ...

Employee: Boss, I want to take a day off today. Leader: Do you want to take a day off? Employee: Yes. Leader: What else do you want from the unit? 365 days and 52 weeks a year. You have two days off every week, a total of 104 days. You still have 26 1 day to work, right? Employee: Yes. Leader: You are absent from work every day 16 hours. If you subtract 174 days, there are still 87 days, right? Employee: Leader: You spend at least 30 minutes surfing the Internet every day, which adds up to 23 days a year, leaving 64 days, right? Employee: Leader: The time you spend on lunch every day is 1 hour, 46 days, 18 days, right? Employee: Leader: Usually you take two sick days a year, so you only work 16 days a year, right? Employee: Leader: There are five holiday units that don't go to work every year. You only work 1 1 day, right? Employee: Leader: Every year the company generously gives you 10 days off, so you will work 1 day, right? Employee: Leader: You want to take a day off? Employee: I was wrong. Staff: Leader, I want to take a day off today.

Leader: Do you want to take a day off?

Staff: Well, of course.

Leader: Do you have any requirements with the company? 365 days and 52 weeks a year. You have two days off every week, a total of 104 days, leaving 26 1 day, right?

Staff: Well, of course.

Leader: You have 16 hours of no work every day. Cut off 174 days, and there are still 87 days left, right?

Staff:

Leader: You spend at least 30 minutes surfing the Internet every day, which adds up to 23 days a year, and the remaining 64 days are?

Staff:

Leader: You spend an hour on lunch every day, plus 46 days off. How much is 18 days?

Staff:

Leader: Usually you take two sick days a year, so you only work 16 days a year, right?

Staff:

Lead: All five holiday units have holidays a year. You only take 1 1 day off, right?

Staff:

Leader: Every year, the company generously gives you 10 days off, so you work 10 days, right?

Staff:

Leader: If I have a holiday today, I will be cursed?

Employee: I was wrong.

Leader: Every year, the company generously gives you 10 days off, so you work 10 days, right?

Staff:

Leader: If I have a holiday today, I will be cursed?

Employee: I was wrong.

Employee: Boss! Boss: What is it? Employee: My wife asked me to ask you to promote me. Boss: OK! I'll go home tonight and ask my wife if she can promote you.

supplementary question

If the boss's wife agrees, then she will summon the handsome guy alone?

If the boss's wife disagrees, does the boss dare to summon the employee's wife alone?

Scene 1:

Employee: Boss!

Boss: What is it?

Employee: My wife asked me to ask you to promote me.

Boss: OK! I'll go home tonight and ask my wife if she can promote you.

-As a result, the boss's wife didn't approve.

-

Scene 2:

Employee's wife: Hello, boss!

Boss: Hello! May I ask who you are?

Employee's wife: I come from a small family Are you free tonight? Shall we sit together?

Boss: Just us?

Employee's wife: Just us.

......

Scene 3:

Employee: Hello, sister-in-law!

Boss: Hello! You must be little A, right?

Employee: Yes.

Boss's wife: No wonder your boss often praises you in front of me. What a handsome guy!

Employee: I want to talk to you.

Boss: It's time to eat. How about we find a place to eat and talk?

Employee: Just us?

Boss's wife: Just the two of us.

......

The next day, the employee got a promotion as he wished.

If the boss's wife agrees, then she will summon the handsome guy alone?

Answer: dare not! .........., because she's not the boss.

If the boss's wife disagrees, does the boss dare to summon the employee's wife alone?

Answer: Dare! ..... because he is the boss.

Boss: OK! I'll go home tonight and ask my wife if she can promote you.

Why never criticize me?

The employee asked, "Boss, you have never criticized me. Why do you suddenly want to fire me now? Do I have any questions? "

The manager replied, "I criticized you, but you didn't care." And I find that no one dares to criticize you. You should leave. "

First, "you don't need a heavy hammer to play drums." Some people are not worthy of your criticism.

Second, there are some shortcomings that need no criticism. He knows he did something wrong, but he still has to do it, or he has made up a set of unreasonable reasons, or he always tries his best to avoid your sight.

Those who dare not talk about him had better ask him to go away, and don't let him affect the working mood of most people.

Who dares to challenge who?

Who dares to challenge who?

The boss said, "I don't believe you will resign. It's not that you don't have the ability to exert yourself, but that you get the highest income from me."

The employee said, "I believe you won't dismiss me, not because you can't find someone better than me, but because I am confident that I have found the most valuable person with your treatment and conditions."

First, I dare to challenge people after suffering losses.

Second, "I am most afraid of good people" means that you are not good to him and owe him.

Third, if you don't cooperate, it is not yourself who suffers, but the other party, so the other party is more willing to cooperate.

Value of employees

Value of employees

The employee asked, "How can I become a valuable person in the company?"

The boss replied: "Think of yourself as the cheapest employee in the enterprise, and you may become the most valuable employee."

First, the cheapest is not the least valuable.

Second, do the same job. If you are the most reliable and economical, then you are valuable.

Third, if you are not cheap, you will be laid off.

Fourth, either increase the income or minimize the cost, and then discuss your own value.

Funny leaders and employees 1, the new colleague's first day at work, I didn't know that the company has the practice of handing out fruit after meals. After lunch, he came back and found an orange on the table. He asked, "Whose oranges are those on my desk?" An old employee: "For you." He: "Why did you send it to me?" The old employee joked: "Because you are handsome." He looked at the old employee and asked doubtfully, "Then why did you send it?" 2. A company is recruiting a position. Boss: "We need a responsible person for this job." Applicant: "I am the one you want. In my last job, every time something happened, they said it was my responsibility. " I work in a company. One day, a female colleague complained that her computer was running very slowly. I went to have a look and found that there were more than 200 folders in her dustbin. "No wonder it's so slow. Haven't you emptied the trash can? " "Oh, no," she answered, a little embarrassed. "In my family, all these jobs are done by my husband."

My girlfriend was recently assigned to be a nurse in obstetrics and gynecology, and was recently sent to the front desk for reception. One day, a man came in and asked, "Is there a discount for giving birth here?" She didn't know how to answer at the moment, so she called the old nurse Yang Jie. Sister Yang heard the man's question and solemnly replied, "We generally don't give discounts here!" The man asked again, "How can I get a discount?" Sister Yang thought for a moment and said, "Unless you have a membership card and a gold card, you can get a 20% discount!" "The man hurriedly asked," what about the gold card? "Sister Yang said," Well, if I have more than three children a year, I can handle it. " ?

The company held a basketball benefit match in the gym on weekends. For each point, the company donated 50 yuan for Project Hope. The next day, I congratulated my colleagues on QQ: Yesterday, I saw that you were the scoring champion. How thoughtful of you! Just finished, my colleague replied: "Bullshit! Almost fired. "

6. At the company's product launch, beautiful Xiaoli was busy and accidentally broke the small clip on the breastplate. Looking at her with a big bag of information in her hands, I found a pin and asked her, "Use it to pin your badge?" Xiaoli said anxiously, "No, no, no". I was just about to lift my feet when I was suddenly confused: Should I go? ? 7. One day, I was crazy about rice noodles, but eating a pot of rice noodles was equivalent to eating three plastic bags. While struggling, colleagues comforted: "Nothing, go to eat. You usually eat so much garbage, you always have to eat a few garbage bags. "

8. The headmaster of a company's children's school came to the company office for instructions. "Manager, due to the need of teaching, our school wants to buy a tape recorder." "Teaching is not listening to singing. What's the use of a tape recorder? " "At present, we are engaged in audio-visual education, and audio-visual education is a necessary equipment." "What, telephone teaching? Teachers and students are in the same classroom, do you still need to make a phone call? " ?

9. A beautiful female colleague got up late for work and rushed to the company before putting on makeup. Therefore, she didn't go to work that day. 7. One day, I was crazy about rice noodles, but eating a pot of rice noodles was equivalent to eating three plastic bags. While struggling, my colleague comforted me and said, "Nothing, go and eat. You usually eat so much garbage, you always have to eat a few garbage bags. " 8. The headmaster of a company's children's school came to the company office for instructions. "Manager, due to the need of teaching, our school wants to buy a tape recorder." "Teaching is not listening to singing. What's the use of a tape recorder? " "At present, we are engaged in audio-visual education, and audio-visual education is a necessary equipment." "What, telephone teaching? Teachers and students are in the same classroom, do you still need to make a phone call? " 9. A beautiful female colleague got up late for work and rushed to the company before putting on makeup. Therefore, she didn't go to work that day.

10, tomorrow's internal assessment, I and a female colleague who have a good impression on each other. Me: I'm going to participate in the competition. Give me some spiritual encouragement! What are you most excited about in the internal competition? Besides, I won't be encouraged mentally, but physically. Me: Why are you ... suddenly so nice to me? ...

What are you thinking about? If you can't get through, I'll kill you. 1 1. During lunch break, Jane Doe sat in front of a blue grass and stroked its leaves, saying, "Raising plants is like raising children. You should always caress them and let the plants feel your feelings for them and grow well. " The manager on the side asked, "I can't keep a pot of plants at home." Does this method work? " Xiao Zhang smiled and said, "All right! Just give it to me. " The manager quickly called home: "Wife, move our cactus!" " Someone can cure it. "12, 20-year-old Xiao Ming bought an elderly crutch for his grandfather online as a birthday present with his first salary. After the courier arrived, Xiao Ming went downstairs for a walk with his wife on crutches, and felt that the quality was good, so he gave the store a bad review. What are you thinking about? If you can't get through, I'll kill you. 1 1. During lunch break, Jane Doe sat in front of a blue grass and stroked its leaves, saying, "Raising plants is like raising children. You should caress them often so that plants can feel your feelings for them and grow well. " The manager asked, "I can't keep a pot of plants at home." Is this method feasible? " Xiao Zhang smiled and said, "All right! Just leave it to me. The manager quickly called home: "wife, move our cactus!" "Someone can cure it." 12, 20-year-old Xiao Ming used his first salary to buy an elderly crutch for his grandfather online as a birthday present. After the courier arrived, Xiao Ming went downstairs for a walk with his wife on crutches, and felt that the quality was good, so he gave the store a bad review.

13, the weather has been dry recently, drinking less water is easy to get angry. My colleague found that my lips were chapped and asked with concern, "Your lips are chapped. Does it hurt? " ? How long has it been? "I brushed my blood casually:" Nothing, it's just cracked. "

14. It's particularly easy to get sleepy at work recently, and everyone's mental state is not good. When Liu Jingli saw it, he called us to the playground of the factory and asked each employee to run around the playground six times to refresh his mind and strengthen his physique. Usually lack of physical exercise, when I ran to the fourth lap, I was already out of breath. So, I dared to lie to the manager and said, "report to the manager, I have run nine laps." Why don't you let me stop? " The manager pretended to be surprised and said, "Really? then what How dare I let you suffer? In that case, you turn back immediately and run three more laps. This is called retreating more and making up less! " 15, colleague A: "What are your plans if you win the lottery?" Colleague B: "If I can win 200,000 yuan, I will rent a place near our unit and open a restaurant." Colleague A: "What if I win 5 million?" Colleague B: "Then I'll play all over the great rivers and mountains of the motherland until there are 200 thousand left, and then rent a place near my unit and open a restaurant." 14. It's particularly easy to get sleepy at work recently, and everyone's mental state is not good. When Liu Jingli saw it, he called us to the playground of the factory and asked each employee to run around the playground six times to refresh his mind and strengthen his physique. Usually lack of physical exercise, when I ran to the fourth lap, I was already out of breath. So, I dared to lie to the manager and said, "report to the manager, I have run nine laps." Why don't you let me stop? " The manager pretended to be surprised and said, "Really? then what How dare I let you suffer? In that case, you turn back immediately and run three more laps. This is called retreating more and making up less! " 15, colleague A: "What are your plans if you win the lottery?" Colleague B: "If I can win 200,000 yuan, I will rent a place near our unit and open a restaurant." Colleague A: "What if I win 5 million?" Colleague B: "Then I'll play all over the great rivers and mountains of the motherland until there are 200 thousand left, and then rent a place near my unit and open a restaurant."

16, colleague A: "When did you live to be the poorest?"

Colleague B: "When I was born." Colleague A: "Why?" Colleague B: "Naked, nothing." Colleague A: "How do you know?" Colleague B: "My mother always told me that she brought me up from bare ass." 17. Today, my boss talked to me and said: You have strong personal working ability, so I'll change your department. I asked: has the salary increased? Boss: No. I replied: I'm not carving cards, nor am I clarifying the facts. Can't you do something to increase the quantity without raising the price? 18, majoring in Japanese, working in a small import and export company. Today, my boss received a fax order in Japanese and threw it on my desk, saying, "Help me translate it into adult language." 19, unit dinner, leaders praised me in front of everyone. He said that because I was often late, I had the funds for this activity. High-speed railway station met an international student from Africa and asked my leader, "How can I get to the airport?" My leader held back for a long time, looked at me awkwardly and said, "My English is not very good." I was stunned at that time and said weakly, "Boss, what people asked you was from China."