Collecting some funny jokes!

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. I have diarrhea when I eat, cucumbers and watermelons, how can I get back to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

The blind man was riding with Stuttering. He was looking at the road. Suddenly he saw a deep ditch. Stuttering exclaimed: ditch ditch ditch!!! The blind man sang back: "Oh Le Oh Le Oh Le!" So the two fell into In the ditch.

A swimming coach is shopping in the mall. A pretty lady greeted him. He took a closer look and saw that it was one of his students. He then said loudly: "You put on clothes, I really can't recognize you!"

A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch, and a policeman came over: What happened? ? Drunk Man: I don’t know, I just arrived too!

It is said that on a dark and windy night, on the longest and scariest road, the taxi driver drove by, and a woman waved on the roadside and got into the car. It was quite quiet along the way until the woman spoke. She said to the driver: "I'll give you an apple to eat. It's delicious..." The driver thought it was great, so he took it and took a bite. The woman asked: "Is it delicious?" The driver said: "It's delicious!" The woman replied again: "I remember I also liked apples when I was alive..." Wow...amp;*$#@... ...When the driver heard this, he was so frightened that he rushed the car and turned pale... The woman slowly tilted her head forward and said to the driver: "But I don't like eating after giving birth!..."

Yesterday I dreamed about God and he said he could grant me a wish. I took out the globe and said I wanted world peace, but he said it was too difficult to change to another one. I took out your photo and said I want this person to become beautiful. He thought for a moment and said, "I'll take a look at the globe."

.Do you still remember when we ate roast duck together? You like to eat duck butts. As soon as the food was served, you grabbed it and stuffed it into your mouth like an arrow. I whispered: Why can't you see the duck butts? You pointed to your mouth proudly and said: "The butt is here!"

Little Pig established a club and said: Members should be called by nicknames, call me Little Piggy! Puppy: Call me Puppy! Kitten: Call me Kitty Cat! The little chicken blushed and said calmly: It's really boring, let's go first!

College entrance examination chemistry question: A and B can transform into each other, B can produce C in boiling water, C can be oxidized into D in the air, D has the smell of rotten eggs

What are the ABC and D? What is it?

My answer: A is chicken, B is raw egg, C is cooked egg, and D is of course rotten egg! (These guys are the ones who asked the question!)

Beijingers, Frenchmen, and Americans were walking in the desert together and were about to die of thirst. Suddenly the three of them found a magic lamp. When they touched it, they found a magic lamp and a demon. He said, "I can satisfy each of you." "Three wishes." The American said first, "I want a box of dollars." "There are two more." "Well, another box of dollars." "The last one." "Well, the last one is to send me back to the United States." Hey, The Americans disappeared, and the French were also anxious. "I want a beautiful woman." came "Well, I want another beautiful woman." "There's another one." "Well, send me back to France." The French also disappeared, leaving The Beijinger said calmly, "Give me a bottle of Erguotou," "I have two more wishes," "Another bottle of Erguotou," and "There's another one." The Beijinger saw that it would be pointless to drink two bottles of wine alone. Speaking of "bring them back and drink with me", the Americans and the French are back again.

So the three people continued walking, but with luck, they found another magic lamp and took out a magic lamp. "Haha, I am the younger brother of the magic lamp just now. My spells are not good." So high, I can only grant two wishes for each of you." This time the French and Americans thought that it was useless to say anything and they would die if they let him come back again. They asked him to speak first, so they pushed Beijing away. When we got to the front, the Beijinger said, "Give me a bottle of Erguotou first." Boom, a bottle of Red Star Erguotou, "Where's the other one?" Beijing took the wine and touched his head and thought about it, but didn't say anything for a long time. The French and Americans were both anxious. , urging him, "Speak quickly." So the Beijinger suddenly said, "Well, I don't have anything else to do, you can go back." After a few seconds, the god and demon went back

1 Child and Cat

The child sits at home and eats. The cat walked up to him and meowed "Mimi". The child threw a piece of meat to the cat. It ate it and meowed "Mimi" again.

The child threw another piece to it, and it ate it, but it still screamed "Mimi".

The child got angry and stood up and said loudly: "Sit on my seat and let me

scream, and give me meat to eat!"

2 What is "but"?

Primary school students are telling stories: "The cat turned into a tiger when it saw a mouse, but when it saw a tiger, it turned into a mouse again..."

Someone asked him, what does this "but" mean?

He thought for a while and replied:

"This is an animal larger than a cat and smaller than a tiger."

3 Bet

Two friends are betting.

"I dare say you don't have the guts to enter that dark room alone!"

"You say I don't have the guts? Then come with me and I'll let you have a look. ! ”

4 Tie Shoes

On the street, a little girl walked up to an uncle in police uniform. She looked up and down.

Carefully asked:

"Are you a policeman?"

"Yes."

"Mom said, no matter what difficulties you encounter, you can always ask for help. The police will get help, right?"

"Yes!"

"Okay," the little girl raised one foot. "Please help me tie my shoelaces."

5 babies in the belly

A pregnant woman was walking on the road, and a little girl came up to her and asked: "Auntie, yours

Why is the belly so big?”

“Because there is a child in the belly!”

“Are you afraid of trouble?”

"Ah? Why?"

"You thought it was inconvenient to hold the child, so you put him in your belly."

1 Notice

"What's wrong with you today? Why have you been fiddling with it for so long?" The father said, taking the notice from his son's hand and reading it. There are comments written by the teacher: "In class

Shooting slingshots, putting bugs in classmates' pockets... Parents are invited to talk about it."

"You are in school If you do this, who will you be when you grow up?" the father yelled at his son.

"Dad, this is not my notice. I found it in your old box."

2 ways

A mother educated him 7 year old son. She said to her son: "The car you are sitting in has no seats

and an old woman wants to get on the bus. What should you do?"

"I will rush at her." Shouted: "Go on, wait for the next one! There is no seat, little man."

3 Not Afraid of Ghosts

One day, Xiao Yang took his children to play in Wuzhishan. The children started running around all over the mountains and fields. Xiao

Yang was afraid that the child would be in danger, so he scared him and said: "Don't run around, be careful there are ghosts here who want to eat people."

The child immediately replied: "I'm not afraid of ghosts. . You forgot, the uncles and aunts next door all called you a gambler

My mother called me a kid; my grandmother called my grandpa a smoker; my mother called you a slacker; you called my mother

Mom is a dead ghost.

I deal with ghosts every day, so why should I be afraid of ghosts? ”

4 Let’s buy it next time

Dad: “If you get 95 points or above in this exam, I will buy you a violin.” …

Jibu "Dad, the test paper has been sent out, I got 96 points."

Dad: "Very good. Well, not bad..."

Son: "Then give me the violin!...

Dad: "Money is tight this month, let's buy it next month. ”

Son: “This is the second exam. Take a look.” "

Dad: "Ah! ? Only scored 59 points? You..."

Son: "The score is tight this time, let's talk about it next time. ”

5Why

Child: “Dad, what is this smoke?” "

Dad: "Remember, the smoke is from the chimney. ”

Child: “Hey, I know!” Dad, why isn't your nose called a chimney? "

Dad: "..."

Research on Slaughter Chemistry

In a certain restaurant.

A customer, holding a plate of dumplings, turned and left the sales window and said with a smile: "I

like eating wontons very much!"

Another customer held a bowl of wontons and declared: "I like to drink noodles!"

The customers were in a daze after hearing this, and one of the astute customers solemnly explained Said: "They

are all very knowledgeable about food chemistry."

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"Hygienic" kitchen

After the meal, a customer called the restaurant owner over. "Sir, congratulations. Your kitchen here is very hygienic!" "Thank you, sir... I'll do my best. But I want to ask you, if you haven't visited my kitchen, how can you praise it as very hygienic?" " Oh, that's easy, everything I just ate here smells like soap."

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"Household Shop"

A: "What is your occupation?" B: "I open a foreign goods store." ” A: “Why not sell domestic products?” " B: "What I sell is not foreign goods, but all domestic goods. Because the business is not good and I can't make money, I have to support a few workers, so I call it a 'household shop'. ”

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"Zhuang Wang" design Banquet

“I heard that your restaurant had a great business yesterday. How many tables were open? "Just open a table." "You can earn fifty-sixty from one table, right?" "Earn?" I lost more than 100 yuan! "This is unreasonable. How can you pay for it?" "You don't know, I am hosting a banquet for the King of Chuzhuang, and I am inviting the Five Hegemons!" ”

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10 minutes and 30 years

At the checkout window, the payer couldn't help but said: "I have been standing at your window for 10 minutes. The payee replied slowly: "I have been sitting behind the window for 30 years."

”

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Cold shrinkage of steamed buns

Customer: “Why are your 1-tael buns so small? "Salesperson: "It was quite big when it came out of the pot. "Customer: "Why is it so small now? "Salesperson: "Don't you understand how heat expands and contracts? ”

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The man in the bun

A man was eating steamed buns in a restaurant. As he was eating, he suddenly shouted: "Oh, there is someone in this steamed bun!" When the customers heard this, they all gathered around to see what was going on. The waiter was very angry and said, "I'm afraid you're crazy!" Where did the person in Baozi come from? The man said, "You said there was no one in the bun, so why is there someone's hair in the stuffing?" ”

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The buns have thick skin

Customer: “Boss, do you have a drilling team nearby? "Boss:" Why do you ask? "Customer: "I want to dig in and see where the stuffing is in the buns. ”

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Taste-changing mouth

A chili vendor saw a man with a Hunan accent approaching and shouted: "If you want to buy chili, come quickly. If it's not spicy, it's free!" "The Hunan customer bought a pound and left. At this time, a Shanghainese came to buy, and the hawker shouted again: "My pepper is not spicy at all, but has a sweet taste. "The Shanghai customer was about to buy it when he suddenly saw a Hunanese guy coming back and saying, "Your chili is sweet, I don't want it." The vendor argued, "This chili is a modified chili. Those who like spicy food will eat it spicy, and those who like sweet food will eat it sweet." A passing Cantonese heard this and said with a smile: "I don't want the chili pepper, can I buy your tasteless mouth?!" There was a burst of laughter in the street.

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No need to disinfect

Customer: "Don't you always disinfect your tableware?" Clerk: "It's never been filled with drugs, how can it be sterilized!"

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Collocation

"Uncle, I want to buy a copy of "Childhood"." "Buy it I need another book. ""What book is it with?" "A copy of "The World of the Elderly""

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Hairstyle

Barber: "What kind of hair style do you want?" Young man: "The most attractive hair style." An eye-catching hairstyle." Barber: "Okay! I'll shave your head.

”

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Epidemic vaccination

Customer: “Why aren’t the dishes I ordered brought? Waiter: "Sir, please wait a moment. The food is already ready." ” Customer: “Since it’s already done, why do you have to ask me to wait?” Waiter: "Because there are a few flies in the dish. I'll wait for you to get vaccinated before eating it." ”

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Snacks

Customer: “If you sell food on the street, you should add a dust cover. "Salesperson: "No need, I sell local snacks. ”

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Giving a small meal

The diner smiled slightly: "When I ordered, I didn't seem to order a fly! The waiter was very calm: "But there is no need to pay extra." ”

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Hang up the signboard

Bao Xiao did very funny things and got the nickname Mr. Funny. He was working as a waiter in a hotel. One morning, he went to hang up a sign and accidentally broke it in half. The owner was very angry. Said: "Why are you so careless, damn it! Mr. Funny said calmly: "Master: You are about to open a branch. This is a good sign!" congratulations! "The master laughed.

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Haili News

A man went to the market to buy fish. He picked up a fish from the fish stall and sniffed it with his nose. The fish seller was afraid that he would smell that his fish was not fresh, so he He said angrily: "Sir, it doesn't matter if you don't buy fish, what are you smelling?" He replied: "I didn't smell it. I was talking to the fish." "What did you talk to the fish about?" "I asked the fish if there was any news in the sea recently." "How did the fish answer you?" "The fish answered me that it didn't know the news in the sea because it had been out at sea for a long time!" ”

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Good radio

You once told me I could get all the stations with this radio," complained a man in an electronics store. "What? You can't hear it?" "Yes, but always at the same time."

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Pay additional electricity bill

Customer: "Why, this room costs 20 yuan? The room condition is so bad that I can't sleep at night. In order to kill time time, I had to get up and read a book.

"Innkeeper: "Ah, then you have to pay 50 cents for electricity! ”

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The wonderful use of lifebuoys

A swimmer: “The lifebuoy produced by your factory helped me learn to swim quickly. "Factory Director: "What a compliment. ” Swimmer: “No need to be modest. The lifebuoy produced by your factory deflated as soon as it hit the water, so I had no choice but to swim as hard as I could, and I quickly learned to swim. ”

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Just kidding

Some boys, thinking that they were adults, went to the barber shop to shave their faces. Once, a boy went into the barber shop and asked the barber to shave him. The barber asked him to sit down and shave his face. After applying soap and ignoring it, the boy got impatient and shouted: "Hey, why do you keep letting me stay here? The barber replied: "I'm waiting for your beard to grow." ”

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Can be returned or exchanged

A salesman from a plastics factory introduced to guests from all over the country at a nationwide ordering meeting: "The printed film ponchos produced by our factory are durable and novel in style. "As he spoke, he took out one and put it on his body. Suddenly he found that the rain poncho was torn on the shoulders. He smiled slightly and continued calmly: "Did everyone see it? We can return or replace something as bad as this. ”

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Big mouth

Female guest: "Your bread is very small. You can even swallow it in one bite. Shopkeeper: “Can you swallow this bread in one bite?” I'm afraid it's not that the bread is too small. ”

Easy to learn

Customer: “Excuse me, is Pipa easy to learn?” I want to buy one. "Salesperson: "Easy to learn, it's the simplest, you can make it sound as soon as you play it. Go buy one! ”

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The missing golden rooster

A customer went to a large restaurant and bought a plate of "Golden Chicken Fried Bamboo Shoots" priced at 4 yuan and 50 cents, but there was not even a small piece of chicken skin on the plate. The customer took the dish away in disappointment. Go to the manager and say: "Comrade, please lend me a magnifying glass. "What's it for?" "The manager asked puzzledly. The customer replied: "I want to look for the missing golden rooster in the bamboo forest. ”

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Discuss the secret

A man came to the fried dough sticks stall and said to the owner: "Yeah! How much oil does it take to fry fried dough sticks in a day? ? The host said: "How can you fry fried dough sticks without oil?" "What a waste. What a pity." "It's a pity that it has to be fried. How can you fry fried dough sticks without oil?" "My ancestors have been selling fried dough sticks for generations, and they have never been fried." "The master wanted to know his secret, so he invited him to dinner and entertained him hospitably. After the meal, he whispered to the master: "My family has been selling fried dough sticks for generations, so there is no need to fry them. . "When the master heard this, he was dumbfounded.

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Layman

Customer: "Why does the picture keep shaking after this TV is repaired?" Repairman: "Then you are an amateur. That was a film taken during an earthquake."

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万里香

Customer: "Why! This perfume doesn't smell good at all. ?” Clerk: “You don’t know that its name is ‘Wanli Xiang’? It needs to be separated by ten thousand miles to be fragrant?”

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Smile service

A: "Why do salespersons wear photos on their chests?" B: "Carry out smile service Ah!" A: "What does this have to do with wearing a photo?" B: "Didn't you see that everyone in the photo is smiling?"

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Why is the face swollen?

A saw a vendor with a bruised nose and swollen face. He walked quickly with a load. , asked B what was going on. B said: "This is a peach seller. He once swore to his customers: "The varieties of peaches I sell are expensive and extremely sweet. If it's not sweet, throw it in my face. ”

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Atheist

Customer: "Miss, you have this poster on the wall: The customer is God, but your service attitude is not like this. Doesn't it mean that your words and deeds are inconsistent?" Waiter: "That was posted by the manager. I'm an atheist and don't believe in God at all." ”

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Porridge

“Why is this porridge so thin? It has no taste at all and costs 2 cents for a bowl. It’s so deceptive. "Don't you know that rare things are valuable?" A big bowl costs 2 cents, which is a bargain for you. ”

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Acting with the camera

Son: “Dad, a customer asked us if the shirts we sell will shrink? "Father: "Does the shirt he picked fit? Son: "No, it's a bit bigger." "Father: "Then tell him that the shirt has shrunk. ”

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Xinbin Hotel

“Why is this hotel called Xinbin Hotel? "Because it's the first time for everyone to eat here."

"Are you sure of that?" "Dare, because people who have eaten here will never come back again!" ”

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Fix TV

In the TV repair department. "Sir, please excuse me. It's too late to repair your TV today. "Then what should I do tonight?" "I'll give you two sleeping pills!" ”

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Modify

Shop owner: "This is the most popular style recently. If it doesn't feel right, you can modify it voluntarily. "Guest: "I'm sorry! Please revise the price list! ”

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A little difference

There is a non-staple food store that always puts up a sign at the end of the week that reads: "We will be closed for one day due to inventory at the end of the week." "The surrounding residents were extremely dissatisfied with this. One day, the salesperson hung this sign outside the door, and several people chatted together. At this moment, there was a knock on the door. The salespersons were furious and opened the door. He opened the door and shouted to the people outside: "Why, didn't you see the sign? Today is off!" " "rest? Not to be outdone, the person who knocked on the door said, "Look at the sign you put up." "The salesperson looked at the sign and was stunned. It turned out that someone had changed a punctuation mark on the sign, and the notice became like this: "We will stop counting on weekends, and we will be open for one day. ”

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Achieve two birds with one stone

Customer: "You have repaired this radio twice, why is it still playing the same radio? Listen. " Repairman: "What's wrong with this? It's both music and recitation. It kills two birds with one stone. Just use it as a soundtrack for prose! ”

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Has been identified

Customer: “Why has your food gone bad? ” Shopkeeper: “How come?” The epidemic prevention station has been identified. If you don’t believe it, call the epidemic prevention station and ask. "Customer: "Hey, is it an epidemic prevention station? The meat at Li Lai Hotel has become flavorful and they are still selling it. "Epidemic Prevention Station: "We just appraised it yesterday and tasted it personally. The color, aroma and taste are all good. You probably have a cold! ”

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Admission on merit

A store is recruiting salespersons, and the manager personally takes the exam. Manager: “If a customer wants to buy 1 kilogram of snacks, how many grams should he give? ” Applicant: “945 grams. ” Manager: “Good answer, you are admitted.” ”

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Looking for a haircut

Customer: "You charged me 5 yuan for a haircut. I have almost no hair on my head! The money collected is too much.

” Barber: “Not much, not much. I charge you not for cutting hair, but because it takes me a lot of time to find hair for haircut!” ”

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Just enough for the fire

Salesperson: “Why did you move the cooking utensils to the counter? ” Chef: “I think your cooking style is just right!” ”

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Evidence

Woman: “Are these shrimps fresh? "Old fish seller: "Fresh! Look, isn’t it alive? ” Woman: “But you are alive too!” ”

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Meat

“The prices of 8 kinds of non-staple food have been increased. Why is the price also increased when I go to take a shower? "You belong to meat." ”

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The freshest

Dinner: “Why is there mud in this bowl of food? Waiter: "This is the freshest dish, just pulled out of the mud." ” ------------------- YOUTH Compilation

1: Zhang Sanfeng took medicine

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng had a severe cold the day before yesterday. The doctor handed him a prescription for good medicine:

"Please keep this prescription. Take it once every morning for three days. ”

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng returned home and carefully cut the prescription into three pieces.

He took one piece on time every morning.

It is said that he felt much better today Yes, I just feel a little sick to my stomach.

2: Zhang Sanfeng chat room with MM clips

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, you are as beautiful as flowers

MM: Thank you. .

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, you are as gentle as the moon.

MM: Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, you are as pure as holy water.

MM: Thank you.

Zhang Sanfeng: MM, can you marry me?

MM: You are as verbose as my husband! >Zhang Sanfeng: #$^$amp;^*^amp;(amp;*)*(_#^^

3: The reason why Sanfeng was late

Sanfeng had one day He was late for work. When the manager asked him why he was late, he said: "When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was so anxious that I squeezed out a section of more than 40 centimeters of toothpaste and waited for me to slowly put it in again." It took more than an hour to retract it!"

4: Staying in Sanfeng Hotel

Mr. Sanfeng has long wanted to try the experience of staying in a big hotel, and he has saved enough. After paying the money, he went into the hotel to go through the formalities and walked in happily according to the route indicated by the waiter.

But after a while, he turned back and got angry: "I." No, what kind of house is that? You want me to pay a high price to live in a room with a big cupboard and only a folding chair?”

The waiter laughed! He said: "You are mistaken, sir. That is the elevator."

5: Sanfeng first went online

Mr. Sanfeng bought a computer, took it home and pressed The instructions for accessing the network were set up one by one, and then I clicked the mouse and went online!

Wrong password! I reset it, but the password was still wrong. I had no choice but to go to the computer shop for help.

The service lady asked: "Did you put P before entering your user name?"

Only then did Mr. Sanfeng realize that there is such a rule,

I thought When surfing the Internet, you have to fart in front of your name (P).

6: Zhang Sanfeng buys shoes

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng bought a new pair of shoes but did not wear them. A week later I asked him: "Why don't you wear those shoes yet?" "You can wear them tomorrow." When I was buying shoes, the salesperson said to me, "First time." "This pair of shoes will pinch my feet tomorrow."

Mr. Zhang Sanfeng plans to wear new shoes to chat with girls in the chat room tomorrow, hoping that his shoes will fit.

7: Sanfeng’s dating encounter

Mr. Sanfeng asked MM to go out for dinner on the weekend...

Sanfeng: What do you want to eat...

Mr. p>

MM: Whatever...

Sanfeng: Let's go eat steak...

MM: No...it's too fishy to eat. ..

Sanfeng: Then go eat vegetarian food...

MM: No...it’s too monotonous to eat that way...

Sanfeng: Then let’s eat pork rice...

MM: No...it’s too boring to eat that...

Sanfeng: Then go and eat it Japanese food is ready...

MM: No...it’s too expensive to eat there...

Mitsuyo: Then let’s go to McDonald’s...

MM: No...it's too nutritious to eat that...

Later...Sanfeng couldn't stand it anymore...so he asked loudly:

Otherwise, what are you going to eat...

I saw MM was a little embarrassed...

She said a little shyly: "Whatever!!!"

8: Sanfeng cut the hard disk

The first day:

Sanfeng: Dance girl! My computer has just been formatted. Please help me with it!

Wu MM: Your hard drive has a lot of space. Well... it would be better to divide it into two or three pieces. Do you have the tools?

Mitutoyo: Of Course!

Wu MM: I don’t have time now, you can do it yourself first

The next day:

The Sanfeng computer table is full of kitchen knives and fruits Knife, watermelon knife...

The hard drive was shattered, poor Sanfeng did it himself

9: Zhang Sanfeng borrowed a donkey

Sanfeng's relatives in the countryside wanted to ask Sanfeng for help Feng borrowed a donkey to grind the mill, so he asked someone to send a letter to Sanfeng asking for the donkey. Mr. Sanfeng was accompanying a guest. He was afraid that the guest would know that he was illiterate, so he pretended to read the letter. While watching, he kept nodding, then raised his head and said to the visitor: "I know, I'll go by myself in a while."

10: Zhang Sanfeng teaches his son

Zhang Sanfeng leads He had just returned home from the bus with his five-year-old son... "Mom", the son said to Mommy: "When I was riding the bus just now, my father asked me to get up and give up my seat to a very beautiful aunt." Mommy Said: "Dad is right to do this. This is to teach you etiquette. Men should give up their seats to women." The son said, "But I am sitting on dad's lap!"