Diary: My little production panda

—2003.2.17

A cold can be overcome by taking steroids, but what should I take for heartache?

Well, put a band-aid on your heart.

By the way, one may heal slower, so two are better.

I was shocked when I looked in the mirror.

My face is paler than usual, and my eyes are swollen and bloodshot.

How ugly. Is this me?

I will never be ugly again in the future.

Start my new life beautifully.

Yeah.

Change into pajamas first.

This white nightgown makes me look more like a ghost.

I am old before I grow up.

So I decided to catch up on my adolescence.

Start now.

My name is Shen Ke.

16 years old.

I like black.

Keep your nails very long.

I am a promising kid.

My smoking habit is bigger than that of some grown men.

I have deep dark circles under my eyes.

I don’t think it’s easy to be happy.

I am lovelorn.

I...

I took a short sleep.

Even with alcohol and sleeping pills, I woke up.

I must admit that I still feel pain in one place.

But that’s normal.

I give myself a day. One day at most.

It must get better.

I got home at 3:30 in the morning and started writing in my diary.

I am planning my new life with excitement and a little melancholy.

It would be even better if it was cloudy tomorrow.

I'm going to cut the split ends in my hair this morning.

How can they do it without me? They will become degenerate and have forked branches in a mess.

Then I cut my nails.

Leave nothing behind.

All cut.

I kept them for a long time, but now they are a bit annoying.

For example, every time I take out my contact lenses, I almost pull my eyeballs out because my nails are too long.

By the way, maybe I should buy some silver eye shadow.

My dark circles don’t look so beautiful after looking at them for a long time.

It’s covered.

If my mood heals faster, I should reward myself.

Kiss in front of the mirror or something.

Then I called Xiaohei and told him that I was fine.

When I go crazy, he is the only one who will be scared and crazy by me.

He is already old, and every time he is frightened by me, he becomes even older.

Like last night, I squatted on the street corner at 1 o'clock in the night and cried loudly. I called him and told him that I was going to jump to the river.

Xiao Hei was so frightened that his voice trembled and he started to stutter.

That poor old guy.

What will he do without me?

What would I do without him.

This is the only black guy I have left.

My best friend Xiaohei.

I really want to hold him for a while.

I should learn to run.

You know, as a future big star, it’s impossible not to work hard.

To increase your lung capacity, you have to rely on running.

How much I love music.

Music will love me too.

How good I am.

Fools don’t like me.

But before, I was just unlucky enough to fall in love with a fool among fools.

Look, how miserable I have tortured myself.

I'm going to get better now.

After all, there are not many fools in this world.

As long as I don’t meet fools again, the whole world is mine.

In fact, people who are lovelorn have the most right to lose their temper.

But I feel so aggrieved.

I still have to sign a contract for the fool who made me lose my love.

Forget it.

Be magnanimous...

Write. After all, it wasn't his fault that he was stupid.

Damn it.

This is the first day of my puberty.

I woke up.

I want to forget what I need to forget.

That’s it.

The future star is finally starting to thrive.

Come on, come on! ! !

-------------------------------

—2004.4.26

During lunch, Aunt Liu said that her father and mother had another conflict.

Mom will come back to see me in a few days.

I gave Aunt Liu a helpless smile. What more can be said?

Ran Ran’s cram school is almost over, so come back early.

The house suddenly became lively, and she liked to invite some of her classmates to play at home in the afternoon.

For a long time, Ran Ran will not be here and I will miss her.

Now it feels noisy again.

That’s how people are. Very strange.

I have stopped taking Xinsheng Fukang Pills for three or four days.

Apart from making people sleepy, it is a drug that has no effect on detoxification. Just stop eating.

There are also those black and white grams, which made me suffer from severe edema.

The injection volume stopped at 300 ml, but my body was still very excited and depressed.

I wanted to try smoking at night, but my whole body was shaking. Still no solution.

I kept forgetting to disinfect the needles in the past two days, and I couldn’t stop the bleeding after the injection.

After reading reports, I heard that someone was injected with venous sclerosis. Getting a little scared.

The stagnation period has come. The day after tomorrow I have to go to Dr. Tang to re-prescribe medicine and come over for an intravenous drip.

Still not willing to play left-handed. The right arm is already full of pinpricks.

Dr. Tang said that I am a little mildly anorexic, and my body’s immunity has weakened a lot over time.

But the topic was not mentioned. I should be grateful to him.

Panda’s good friend got into a car accident and left immediately.

Nothing is permanent.

A very lively girl. Only seventeen years old. Her parents found the panda on the day of the accident. I cried till my heart broke.

The panda couldn't reflect for a long time. She said it was like a dream.

She was extremely sad during this period. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I could only tell her to be quiet.

On QQ, Panda cried and said, "Do you know your idol?"

It still feels like a dream, always thinking about seeing her after school, always thinking about the new DVD I bought. Still waiting for her to come to my house to see me.

Okay, okay, it’s okay, it’s okay...

It’s useless to think I’m good. Not even one person can comfort you...

Life is extremely strong, but a moment's accident can always make life extremely small and fragile.

No one can resist.

Beibei... Do you think so?

------------------------------------------------ ----------

I felt flustered in the afternoon.

Something really happened at night. This is the fourth time. The first time was her, the second time was the abortion incident.

The third time was you. The fourth time is the fish’s turn.

A minor car accident, requiring four stitches. She was afraid of being scolded by her grandma, so she was dirty when she came to my house.

As I slept with her, I suddenly became scared thinking about it. Thinking of that panda friend, life is so fragile...

Fortunately, the fish is fine.

Watch Lily Zhou’s MV at dawn.

It was very quiet, and the desolate singing touched the auditory nerve. I kept drinking water and smoking for two hours.

I don’t feel bad when time is wasted like this. When I miss you, they become very close to me and make me happy.

Dear, I do these boring and interesting things every day.

I always get distracted when you are talking to me. But I never let my heart leave you for a second. real.

When you are sleeping,

I often walk around the empty room in my pajamas, looking very busy. But nothing was done.

I will also keep the computer on and the music will not stop. Or sit in front of the computer and watch movies for a long time.

I watched Suzhou River and Chibi Maruko-chan over and over again.

I will click on your avatar after a while. Click on, then off. Click on, then off. Say nothing. It seems to have become a habit.

I can never be as brave as she was in Suzhou River. I can never magnify happiness like Chibi Maruko-chan.

If one day, I do it, will you love me more.

The heart will suddenly become transparent at a certain moment.

I have seen all our changes.

I will slowly analyze a little bit of these, but I will always be interrupted by some sudden happiness or sadness less than half of the process.

You love me. You don't love me.

These became all the sensitive factors that controlled my emotions.

When tears want to fall, I look indifferent and indifferent in front of you. It is the thin and fragile shell of a mollusk.

I forget when I started to develop this habit. When I feel heartache, I always put a band-aid on my heart.

You always laugh and call me stupid.

There will always be hallucinations. I always feel like there's someone knocking on the door in the middle of the night.

At dawn, the curtains were opened, and the sunlight suddenly flashed in without warning, bouncing heavily on the face.

At that second, one could still hear the tiny dust particles in the air tearing apart. cracking sound.

I closed the curtains and kept my eyes closed for a while, not daring to open them. A little dizzy.

I tell everyone who asks me about loneliness that they should learn to enjoy loneliness. So I'm very happy.

But I know I am scared at this moment. I just want to tell you. Only you, the one I love, give me a deep, deep unspeakable loneliness.

I cannot and do not want to resist it.

Because those are part of the love you gave me...

But Beibei, will you also be lonely for me?

------------------------------------------------ ------------------

It has been two days.

Still in a daze, I am obsessed with the silly happiness of a person stubbornly dreaming.

It seems that nothing has changed, it seems that you will appear in the next second, saying that my wife, I am here...

I calmly indulged in my dream.

I think you just went to bed. One hour, two hours later, anyway, you will get up, you never left.

I sit in front of the computer and imagine that I am just waiting for you to get up.

Just waiting for you to get up...

You must be too tired to sleep for so long this time. When you wake up I will pretend to be angry and tell you that I am a little sad waiting.

Then, as usual, you will say okay, Shaoguai `` no.

I kept telling myself not to be afraid, just wait.

You should get up next second.

------------------------------------------------ ----------------Start paying attention to a boy.

Add me on QQ, but almost never talk to me.

In the diary of Beloved’s blog for two months, all I have written is about me.

I saw it occasionally, so I started to develop a habit.

I always read his diary when I was in a bad mood.

Let myself become better little by little. Be happy.

I am happy.

At least someone still likes me.

Maybe he and I will never have a conversation, and no one has ever looked for him.

But the gentleness of this stranger instantly put me in a trance.

What kind of feeling is this?

Dazed, warm, swollen with vanity, slight shortness of breath.

Shen Ke, you are not bad.

Don’t be so insecure.

I have already told you that you are a nice girl, don’t believe any slander that discriminates against the opposite sex.

Look, isn’t your heart beating now?

------------------------------------------------ ------------------

Something happened in Changsha on the Mid-Autumn Festival in Longze.

Xia Bo was a little scared when he called me over there that night to tell me. He was recuperating with his grandmother at the time and couldn't get away to rush over.

Sent a text message to Xiaoyan.

I don’t know what my mentality is. I am probably anxious about being powerless and want to find someone to share my anxiety with.

Turns out I did something stupid.

A certain girl has been thinking about it endlessly since the Mid-Autumn Festival until now, and she is worried about our Young Master Long.

It made my already anxious heart even more anxious.

But what can we do for you now.

If you do something wrong, you will always be punished.

Isn’t that right, Long Zeyu?

The company has a new security guard.

My name is Xiu Pu.

Xiu Pu raised a very mean cat.

I heard that it is only more than two months old.

When he sees someone, he grins and barks.

I thought it would be scary or something.

Xiu Pu feeds it small dried fish every day. Pork ribs rice.

The food was extremely luxurious.

Yesterday afternoon, Xiu Pu was out on business, so he asked a colleague to help feed the little cat before get off work.

My colleague was busy reporting plans later, and saw me sitting idle next to her with a shabby look on my face.

So the task of feeding the little bitchy cat fell on me.

Then tragedy happened.

I just stretched out my hand to feed the small fish with a cool expression.

Maybe it was used to Xiu Pu’s usually passionate eyes full of motherly love.

Before I could react, he bit my index finger and made a small cut.

After biting, I didn’t forget to take the dried fish into my mouth and swallow it.

Well, being bitten by a two-month-old kitten is not that embarrassing.

The shameful thing is that because of this, my colleagues took me to get a tetanus shot.

When the doctor at the clinic asked me why, I was really embarrassed to tell him.

No more complaining.

Frustrated to the point of silence.

Please see the original picture of the murderer.

------------------------------------------------ ------------------

The National Day holiday is only three days away.

The day before the holiday, there was a problem with the company's computer switchboard software database.

Resulting in nearly half a month of data loss.

So I was called to the company to work overtime.

Two consecutive afternoons, plus an overnight stay.

The vacation is ruined.

Thank you right here to everyone who said wishing me a happy National Day.

Still seriously sleep deprived.

After doing the math, from the 1st to now, I have barely slept an average of three hours a day.

I can probably hold on for a few more days until the day off, so I can catch up on my sleep.

I stayed up all night last night to finish recording He Guangguang’s songs.

I swear I have never cried so hornily in a song in my life.

This made me realize that I had not successfully transitioned.

What a sharp fact.

Then Guangguang’s classmate introduced on his song homepage that this song has a surprise, and you can hear CK’s voice that you can’t usually hear.

That's true.

Guangguang worked diligently in post-production all night long, amplifying the sniffling sound in the track about me crying so clearly.

As expected, it was CK’s voice that I couldn’t usually hear.

Can’t sleep.

There was a lot of chatting with Yi Ran on Q.

Falling in love with his three new snakes.

It is more beautiful than the lizard that fell in love with his house a year ago.

Incredibly sexy.

What a difference between hell and heaven.

A poor person is bitten by a little bitch cat, and a happy person is surrounded by cute snakes.

I plan to go back to Changsha to pick up Long Zeyu in two days to see if I can get to the black and white line Snake King from Yiran's A. (It seems to be the name of this bird)

It’s just that it’s not easy to get something from the hands of a flammable classmate.

We have to think of a good measure.

For example, 1: If you don’t give me a snake, I’ll cover all the female vocals in the future.

2: If you don’t give me a snake, I’ll fuck your mother.

And so on.

The night is long, let’s make plans first.

Clean up and wait for me, thank you.

To show my sincerity, I post photos of my targets here.

By the way, I can’t help but mention that Xiao Ranran’s rarely seen such sexy eyes, she is clearly trying to seduce me... If I don’t take away your snake, I will be very sorry for your expectations of me over the years. .

Writing a diary these days is like keeping a running account.

I am really in a bad mood.

Why am I so tired? My whole body aches all day long, I can’t feel energetic, and I’m too lazy to think about things.

Old E said that alcohol is effective.

That's probably true.

I am really about to turn into a wine barrel.

By the way, I would like to add a happy birthday to little T.

Okay, finished

-------------------------------- -------------------------------

I am really busy and exhausted. I didn’t even have time to take a picture of the new couple.

This is a photo taken on the back of a "Xi Xi" character while sitting in a ridiculous little float on the way to pick up the bride.

This is a terrible explanation to a few friends who clamored to take more wedding photos.

Or, you really don’t want to take pictures of the extremely boring salute process.

Attended a terrible wedding.

As a bridesmaid.

The groom is his childhood sweetheart who grew up in the same big yard before he was six years old, brother Huo Zi.

The bride meets for the first time.

Ordinary appearance.

But the smile is very sweet. The people are also kind.

Old people have many rules.

A Western-style wedding must be solemn from beginning to end.

Neither fish nor fowl.

I really dare not wear the goose-yellow dress that my godmother chose for me as the bridesmaid.

I pretended I forgot to bring it and wore a short military uniform. At least not stumbling.

The old people often mutter about how decent they are. Nothing serious.

Joke.

You have become immodest, but you have made the wedding a mess.

The bride and groom acted stiffly from beginning to end, with stiff expressions, fearing that their rules and etiquette would be broken by accident.

How tiring. How boring.

Maybe it’s the wedding night and you have to stand by and manipulate them into what posture they should use.

Just write down ideas.

I basically kept silent that day.

Except for the unsatisfactory appearance and clothing, the rest should basically be regarded as decent behavior.

We set off to Xiangxiang to pick up the bride at five in the morning, return to the city where the groom is, pick up an umbrella, and accompany the bride upstairs. After the ceremony, she and the best man help the couple make the bed and light candles.

Nothing went wrong and I barely passed the test.

2008-10-10 04:05:42

---Han Kerui, the original poster | Reply

[10th floor]:

Met Yaya at the wedding banquet.

Classmates in elementary school.

To be precise, we were in the same class for three years.

Preschool, first grade, second grade.

Until I transferred away in the third grade.

We have grown up together since childhood.

I was bullied very badly at that time.

Yaya used to be a tough kid.

There are always a few girls from my class surrounding me. Tear up my homework, pull my hair and so on.

I didn’t know how to complain. I just cried at first, but later I stopped crying.

Suffer silently.

As a result, the children became more and more excited, found it fun, and bullied them even more.

Yaya is a standard little devil among those children.

I haven’t seen him for many years.

Almost unrecognizable.

A girl with delicate eyebrows, petite figure and petite face.

Behave like a lady.

She hooked my arm delicately and talked to me about the memories of how she beat me when I was a child.

I put on my spiky hair and a men's jacket and stood next to her, grinning crookedly.

As many masculine women as there are masculine women.

------------------------------------------------ ----------------

Go home.

Lack of sleep, plus several long drives in two days.

Seeing stars.

Taking a shower with makeup on her face.

COMB called me and asked me to pick up MAYA’s sound card and have a meal by the way.

When I rushed to Orange Concept, I finally saw COMB.

Thought it was an old man.

Unexpectedly, wearing a pair of black-rimmed glasses almost looks like an artistic young man.

I also carry a laptop with me. Standard professional posture.

We had dinner for two and a half hours, talking about music, work, and his girlfriend.

I took a sound card and several recording and arranging software provided by COMB.

I actually said it was time to go home.

How rude.

I’m just too tired.

Otherwise, I would really like to accept the invitation and go play video games together again.

Supplement:

I forgot to say something important when I got home.

Thank you.

Add it here.

He was so busy that he took the time to send him his sound card and treat him to dinner.

I feel a bit sorry.

Record four.

My menstrual period came on the day of brother Huo Zi’s wedding.

What auspiciousness.

Big - red.

How happy those old men and women would be if they knew this.

My stomach started to hurt again.

It’s time to start recording He Guangguang’s songs.

His part has already been recorded.

I have been delaying this for a long time.

I'm really sorry to delay.

The tongue is petrified.

Stomach cramps.

The more I want to record, the less I can get into the state.

Although the lyrics are pornographic and have pornographic themes, I hope the recording is sincere and serious.

Time.

I need time.

A little more time.

Forgive me, my wife.

------------------------------------------------ ------------------

When I woke up this morning, it was the peak of stomachache during menstrual period.

It is really impossible to move.

I can’t go to the company anymore.

Salary deductions and deductions are non-stop.

This month’s new drug commissions and bonuses have already flown away.

My terrible money saving plan.

I really hate my stubborn donkey-like backbone.

But I don’t regret it.

I feel sharp when I struggle occasionally.

The debt must be paid off this month.

Otherwise, I will sell me to the Red Mansion. (He said it was called a brothel.)

Recently, I like to act like a crying Cinderella to the master endlessly.

Then, I need to save enough money before the end of the year so that I can have a good time and think about my future life path.

Well, if a joke is cold or not, it’s not called a joke.

You must buy something important to give to an important person.

Finally let me imagine.

Relying on his own invincible strength, he finally saved a huge sum of money.

Take grandma to live on the moon.

Just me and her.

Cure grandma’s cancer.

Record six.

Last month I agreed to cut my hair short.

The time has been agreed upon.

Then forget in the rush.

I need to get my hair done before the end of the month.

Auntie has already used a new warm adjective like Mei Chaofeng this month.

For peace in the universe.

There is no need to hesitate to shave your head into a crew cut.

------------------------------------------------ ----------------

I logged into an old MSN account that I haven’t logged into for a long time.

32 emails.

27 of them are yours.

Like you said before.

I probably really lack the foresight.

Always forget so many important things.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

It’s just that there is no longer the faint joy of receiving candy yesterday.

Ancestor...

How long has it been since we had a good talk.

As a result, I still habitually retaliate and hurt.

You still habitually tolerate concessions again and again.

Your friends are starting to hate me.

Even, maybe my friends.

Our friends.

Long Zeyu, Li Yu, old E.

They are always asking me, are you enough? Zu is so pitiful.

Enough.

In fact, it should have been enough.

It’s just that I got used to it without realizing it.

Forget to retreat. Forget to stop.

I forgot to tell you clearly.

I know, I have always known your mood.

It was profound, just like the slap that burned on my face.

I have always deliberately ignored the shock and regret in your eyes that day and that second.

I only choose to remember that I was going crazy with anger.

You are so gentle.

I trust you completely.

Give me so much warmth from you.

Fragmented.

Just like the set of crystal cups that was broken that day.

If you hurt yourself, you hurt yourself.

Then I will hurt myself and laugh at the same time.

Stupid?

No.

Only you and me know.

I succeeded.

Bad guy.

How can you force me to quit those.

Those are the spiritual food that allow me to see her.

You should know best that those things that make you fear and hate are all the power that once supported me to continue breathing.

You see, whenever I mention these things, I always sound resentful.

This is also a habit for you.

I have no need to apologize.

Just because you hurt me first.

No matter what your starting point is.

I just want to say that this has stopped.

It ends with me.

I obviously can't go back.

I have obviously lost myself in the process.

This is the punishment I deserve.

We are even, okay?

From today on, remove me from your world.

As you promised before, you cannot leave me or ignore me without my permission.

Do you still remember it?

You once made that oath like a fool but with a gentle smile on your face.

Now, I allow you to leave.

Allow you to be happy.

------------------------------------------------ ------------------

My stomach hurts.

He was sitting in a soft chair with a weird posture.

The whole body is covered in sweat.

Probably hungry.

I stood up and went to find some baking soda biscuits.

My stomach became more cramped.

He rushed into the bathroom and retched.

Can't spit anything out.

I can only squat down and pick my throat out of habit.

As soon as I put my finger in, I felt nauseated.

I finally spit out a little bit, and the gastric juice lubricated my esophagus.

I just want to spit out this discomfort.

After picking for a minute or two, my fingertips became harder and harder.

There are blood drops on the white tiles.

I don’t know whether it was the nails that punctured my throat or the nosebleeds.

Anyway, blood began to pour out of the throat and nose, mixed with stomach acid and filth, gurgling out.

His face and hands were covered in blood and saliva.

I was a little hysterical. I just wanted to vomit everything in my stomach, so that I could feel better.

When I stood up, my vision went dark.

Staggeringly, he leaned against the wall for a while.

He stared at his embarrassed self in the bathroom mirror.

This scene is repeated almost every day every year.

So tired.

What holiday is today?

It seems to be New Year’s Eve.

Fireworks were set off everywhere, and the night outside the window lit up like day.

Ears, but can't hear any sound.

The nosebleeds are still flowing.

Slide it across the corners of your mouth, along your chin and onto your collarbone and chest.

It tastes fishy and sweet.

I washed my face with cold water randomly.

With his neck raised and motionless, he finally stopped the nosebleed.

Go back to the room.

Online.

The dim light of the computer.

Looking at the little jokes about Mr. Bai and Mrs. Bai written in her signature.

Looking at her still gray profile for a long time.

I cried suddenly.

These are just some fragments of her diary.... .. .. ...