A collection of little jokes

1. Dumb: "Why haven't the ramen I asked for come yet? I've been waiting for a long time!" Guy: "Don't worry, don't worry, the master is pulling it!" As he said, the master came with hot noodles. , and said with great enthusiasm: "This is what I just pulled! It's still steaming! Please eat, please eat!"

2. The invigilator, who had taken one bite, found out that a student was cheating, and pointed out angrily The student shouted: You...you...you...you...how dare you cheat, stand up! After the speech, 5 students stood up!

3. A mentally ill patient screamed: I am the president, you all have to listen to me! The attending doctor asked him: Who said that? Patient: God said so. Hearing this, a patient next to him suddenly jumped up: I never said that!

4. Cars from Xinjiang and Henan collided. People from Xinjiang came down and took a look, and felt that there was nothing wrong with the car, so they decided to forget it. The Henanese also smiled and said there was no problem, and took out a bottle of wine from the car. Henanese: Brother, there’s nothing wrong with the car. Let’s drink some wine to calm down! The Xinjiang man took the wine, took a big sip, and handed it to the Henan man. Xinjiang person: Brother, please have some too.

Henanese: I’m not in a hurry. I’ll drink it after the police come and take a look!

5. A girl lost her way in the forest and was caught by a group of monkeys and then raped by the monkey king.

I gave birth a few months after returning home. The husband waited anxiously outside the delivery room.

Finally the doctor came out.

Husband: Are mother and son safe?

Doctor: Everything is safe.

Husband: Boy or girl?

Doctor: I don’t know. He ran away before he could see clearly after he was born. Now he is still sitting on the chandelier and refuses to come down.

6. The husband drove out.

My wife was listening to the radio at home and heard a report. She quickly picked up the phone.

Wife: Husband, I just heard on the radio that there is a car driving the wrong way on the highway. You must be careful.

Husband: Where is that one? I see hundreds of cars going the wrong way.

7. Robber: "Tell me the password to the safe! I won't kill you!" Female staff: "I won't tell you if you kill me! I won't tell you if you ruined me!" Robber After looking her up and down: "You have a beautiful idea!"

8. The female bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily: "How many times have I told you, this ring is for bird research The person at the station put it on me, not a wedding ring! I’m not married yet!”

9. During the airborne troop exercise, the commander asked: How many recruits are there this year? The little warrior said: Just look at your butt when it falls and you will know! The officer said: Why? The little soldier said: The recruits have footprints on their butts!

10. Do you remember? That time you went to the TV station to sing a song, and 3 of the 4 referees knocked you down. Fortunately, one referee came on stage and shook your hand excitedly and said: What a talent! Others cost money to sing, but your singing costs your life!

11. Several people watched the sunrise, and one person pointed to the treetops and said: I saw it. Others also said they saw it. At this time, someone came out from behind the tree holding up his pants: "I saw it when I saw it, what are you yelling about?" !

12. The old lady on the bus is afraid of passing a stop, so she always asks questions at every stop. When the bus arrived at a stop, she kept poking the driver with her umbrella: "Is this an exhibition center?" "No, this is pork ribs!"

13. This afternoon, I was chatting with a group of female colleagues, and someone suddenly said, "I Not a man. I got angry, and I said, you said I wasn’t, so I took it out and showed it to you. The girls all laughed, but one of them was the best and said, “You take it, you take it”

So...I I took out my ID card.

14. Snakes, ants, spiders, and centipedes are playing mahjong at home. After 8 laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who should buy cigarettes. The snake said: I have no legs, I won't go, let the ants go. The ant said: The spider has eight legs, which are more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: No matter how many legs I have, I can't compare to the centipede. Let the centipede go. The centipede was helpless and thought: There is no way, who let me have more legs? So Centipede went out to buy cigarettes... More than an hour later, Centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, Centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone asked Spider to go out and take a look. As soon as Spider went out, he saw Centipede sitting at the door. Spider was very angry and asked: Why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. Centipede was also anxious and said: Nonsense! You have to wait until I put on my shoes! ! !

15. Late at night, Teacher Wang finished correcting the last test paper and turned on the radio tiredly, wanting to listen to music and relax.

The DJ's voice came from the radio: "The whole class of class ), giving them a valuable opportunity to practice..." Upon hearing this, Teacher Wang's eyes became moist, and a comforting smile appeared on his exhausted face. The DJ continued: "...let us listen to this song now, "You Will Not Have Good Results" by Li Huimin..." After hearing this, the teacher rolled his eyes, foamed at the mouth, and fell to the ground... …

16. One day you stood on the bus stop and laughed, causing passers-by to look at you like a rare animal. One of them asked you why you were giggling. You suppressed your laughter and said proudly: I tricked the ticket buyer and didn’t get on the bus after buying the ticket.

17. The man chased the bus all the way home but failed to catch up. When he came back, he told his wife that he had missed the bus, but it was okay because he exercised and earned 2 yuan. The wife was angry at that time. He said: "You are stupid! If you want to chase the taxi, at least earn a starting price."

18. In order to retaliate against the teacher, a classmate who had a QQ teacher changed his QQ name to "Your father was dying", so the teacher looked at it sadly every day: Your father added you as a friend before he died, your father stole your vegetables before he died, and your father watered your flower vines before he died. , your father invited you to play friend trading before he died, your father updated QQ space before he died, your father before he died... What's even more shocking is: your father left you a message before he died!

19. Mrs. Mary went to court for running a red light. The judge stared at her and asked: Mrs. Mary? Yes. You used to be a teacher at West District Primary School? Yes, how do you know? The judge smiled, I was your student. Mrs. Mary smiled too, relaxed. The judge then said, I have been waiting for this day for more than 20 years, and now I will fine you a thousand times by copying "I made a mistake by running a red light, and I will never do it again."

20. Xiao Ming and Xiao Hua went to the zoo to play, and entered the door. At this time, Xiao Ming pointed at Xiao Hua and said to the gatekeeper: "Look clearly! Come out later, don't say I stole your monkey! "

21. There was a man who was selling popsicles at the market for the first time. He was embarrassed to shout. There was a man next to him who was shouting: "Selling popsicles", so he had to shout: "Me too." ”

22. A foreigner who has learned some Mandarin. He greeted his female secretary in the morning, “How are you?” "The lady glared at him. He was stunned, and immediately said to her: "Mom, hello! "

23. Two drunk men drove wildly in a car. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. B: "What?" Aren't you driving? ”

24. A customer ran into the tailor shop angrily, pointed at the fashion designed by the shop owner and said: “I was standing on the corner of the street yawning, and two people actually stuffed letters into my mouth!” ”

25. A farmer’s daughter was so ugly that he had to let her go to the cornfield to be a scarecrow to scare the crows. As a result, she not only scared away the crows, but even three crows were so scared that they gave away some corn. Come back.

26. The Chinese, Americans and Jews were drinking together, and three flies flew into their drinks. The Chinese asked for a glass without flies, but the Americans drank it without paying attention. The Jews caught the flies. Shouted: Spit it out! Spit out the drink you drank!

27. There was an extremely ugly orangutan in the zoo. One day I went to see it, and I vomited it, so you went to see it! , the orangutan vomited... I was puzzled, why are there so many differences between people?

28. A farmer went to a car sales center and saw him take out 2,000 yuan and put it on the table. Previous shot: “Bring me a Santana. The salesperson was shocked: "You don't have enough money!" The farmer was puzzled: "Isn't it written 'Santana 2000' outside?" "Salesperson: "Oh... Then turn right when you go out. That company's Mercedes-Benz only costs 600! "

29. A gentleman went to take the driving license test. During the oral examination, the examiner asked: "When you saw a dog and a person in front of the car, did you run over the dog or the person? "

The gentleman replied without thinking: "Of course it's a dog run.

The examiner shook his head and said, "You can take the exam again next time."

The gentleman was very unconvinced: "If I don't run a dog, how can I run a human being?" "

The examiner shouted: "You should brake. ”

30. The class is undergoing vision training.

A smart recruit was called out by the squad leader to count the number of people mining in the wilderness in the distance. Those people looked like just a few small people, but the recruit answered without hesitation: sixteen soldiers and A sergeant, sir.

Correct, but how do you know there is a sergeant there?

He doesn’t work, sir

31. One day, Xiao Zhen’s mother saw Xiao Zhen’s father rummaging through boxes and cabinets looking for something and asked Xiao Zhen: “What is your father looking for?” Where?"

Xiao Zhen said doubtfully: "I don't know, maybe I'm looking for you, or maybe I'm looking for grandma."

My mother was puzzled

Xiao Zhen Zhen continued: "Because he was talking about grandma while he was looking for it. It's so damn hard to find."

32. Teacher: "There is a thing with beautiful feathers all over its body. It calls you every morning." Get up early, what is it? "Child: "It's a feather duster!"

33. Husband: "Why are you giving that beggar so much money?"

Wife: "Didn't you hear him say to me, 'Beautiful and kind lady...'"

Husband: "It seems he is really blind!"

34. Several scientists At a meeting together, someone asked what 11 times 11 equals. The American scientist wanted to use his feet to count. The Chinese scientist immediately answered 121. The American scientist immediately criticized severely: How can mathematics be deceived? Science is a very serious topic. Then I took out my calculator and pressed it for a long time. Sure enough, it was 121. I couldn’t help but be surprised: Damn, you are so accurate.

35. There was a boy chasing after a girl, but the girl was not attracted to him. She was interested and told him the truth many times, but the boy remained stubborn. One day, the girl couldn't bear it any longer. Under the boy's repeated entanglement, she suddenly turned around and shouted:

"What do you like about me? Can't I change it?"

36. Xiao Ming was lying down and occupying four seats in the cinema. When others asked him to get up, Xiao Ming only said a few favors and could not move. The security guard came and said: Hateful enough~ Brother, which road is this on? Xiao Ming gritted his teeth and said: He fell in the aisle upstairs!

37. The little turtle saw an ant practicing long-distance running and asked: What are you doing, so slowly? Ant: I was practicing long-distance running. The turtle said contemptuously: Come on up, I will take you. A snail on the turtle's back saw the ant and said: Sit tight, you will grow old soon!

38. The farmer inspected the orchard and found a little boy climbing up the apple tree. "Little naughty boy, just wait and see." , I'm going to tell your dad!" The boy raised his head and shouted: "Dad, someone down there wants to talk to you!"

39. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant nest, and the ants came out one after another. Climbing onto the elephant, the elephant shook its body, and the ants fell off one after another. There was still one ant on the elephant's neck. The ants underground shouted in unison: strangle it to death!

40. A jet fighter flew roaring in the sky. The little bird was surprised when it saw it. The little bird asked: "Mom, why does that bird fly so fast?" The mother bird said: "You Try putting a fire on your butt."

41. Two mountain friends went hiking together, and one of them accidentally fell down the valley... The other shouted: "Are you injured?" I heard. An echo came from the abyss: "I don't know, I'm still falling..."

42. One day, Xiao Ming dressed up carefully, drove a sports car, and was very excited to go to the party. He thought that with such good conditions, he must be the favorite of many hot girls. Unexpectedly, three dinosaur girls were assigned to ride in his car. Xiao Ming was so angry that he didn't want to say a word and drove with a sad face. Unexpectedly, the dinosaur girls started talking. : Handsome guy, you are in a bad mood! Otherwise, why wouldn’t you say anything? Xiao Ming replied coldly: Have you ever seen a garbage truck driver talking to garbage?

43. Once

The professor was having a great time in class

He found someone sleeping

He was so angry that he asked the classmates next to him to wake him up

< p>Unexpectedly, the student said in a very disdainful tone...

"It was you who made him fall asleep."

44. The pastor asked the church member : "When you are lying in the coffin, what do you want people to say?" One person said: "I want people to say that I am a rich person." Another person said: "I want people to say that I am helpful to others.

"The third person said: "I hope others will say: 'Look, he seems to be moving!'"

45. On the train, Passenger A's mobile phone was missing. He insisted that it was the one sitting next to him. Passenger B stole it. However, after a while, Passenger A found the mobile phone in his other pocket, so he apologized to Passenger B calmly. Said: "It doesn't matter, just now I regarded you as a gentleman, and you regarded me as a thief. It seems that we were both wrong. ”

46. A complained to B: “There is no stingier person in the world than my neighbor!” He was reluctant to lend me a hammer because it seemed like it would break if used. "

B said: "What will you do next? ”

A: “I have no choice but to take out my own hammer and use it!” ”

47. A young man proposed to the girl, and the girl said: “But we have only known each other for three days. Do you understand me?” "

The young man said hurriedly: "I understand, I understand, I have known you for a long time. "

"Really? "

"Yes, I have been working in the bank for three years. I know very well how much deposits your father has. "

48. Mrs. John bought beef and went home and found that the beef had been filled with water. The next day, she went to the beef merchant to reason.

The merchant said frankly: "I What is sold is buffalo meat! ”

49. A man knocked unconscious an unknown old man while riding a motorcycle in the downtown area!

The man was so frightened that he was at a loss! There were more and more onlookers!

< p>Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and shouted with tears in his eyes: "Dad, wait for me, I will find a doctor for you right now!" "

After saying that, he ran away...

The old man struggled and shouted angrily: "Come back here! "

Everyone sighed with emotion: "This son is really filial! ”

50. The company manager asked someone to hang a slogan on the wall saying “If you want to do it, do it immediately”, hoping to stimulate the enthusiasm of employees!

After a while, A friend of the boss asked him how effective this move was.

The boss said angrily: "The cashier took 100,000 yuan and ran away. The office director eloped with my female secretary, and dozens of employees asked for additional work." salary! ”

51. A child stood next to the blacksmith shop, watching the blacksmith forging iron! The blacksmith hated her, so he took out the red-hot iron and approached the child to scare him!

Child He winked and said, "If you give me a dollar, I dare to lick it! "

After hearing this, the blacksmith immediately took out a dollar and gave it to the little girl!

The child took the money, licked it with his tongue, put it in his pocket and left...

52. An old couple who were born on the same year and the same month celebrated their 60th birthday!

During the banquet, God came and said that he could grant the couple two wishes!

The woman said: “My dream is to travel around the world. "

God waved the magic wand in his hand, and wow! A stack of air tickets appeared.

The old man said: "I want to live with a woman 30 years younger than me. . ”

God waved the magic wand in his hand, wow! The old man turned 90 years old!

53. Xiaoqiang gave a speech at the rally, and the people below were all ears!

Xiaoqiang said: "I hate two kinds of people the most! One is racist, the other is black, and the third is illiterate! ”

The people below suddenly sweated profusely...

54. On a very cold winter day, two beggars, one old and one young, went to beg for food in the morning. They walked to the door of a restaurant and waited for the boss. Throw away the leftovers.

The hard work paid off. After a while, the boss came out with a bucket of leftovers. The little beggar hurriedly went to eat, but the old beggar stood aside.

< p>Because the weather was very cold and the rice was cold, the little beggar felt sick to his stomach after eating a few mouthfuls, so he vomited it out.

At this time, the old beggar rushed forward and said with great emotion: "Just wait! Your mouth is hot. ”

55. There was a couple, and the husband was very stingy!

When he woke up one morning, the husband found his wife dead in the bed.

He jumped up quickly, ran down the stairs with a pale face and stumbled, shouting: "Maid! Maid!"

The maid replied: "Sir! What's the matter?"

My husband shouted: "One hard-boiled egg for breakfast is enough!"

56. A group of fireflies were flying in the sky, but one of them did not light up!

The other one asked him curiously: "Brother, why don't you glow?"

The non-luminous firefly replied: "Hey, bro, I forgot to pay the electricity bill last month. ”

57. Two beauties were talking in the elevator about which cosmetics have the best whitening effect.

At the same time, there was a black man listening silently next to him.

Suddenly the black man said to the two beauties: "It's useless! I've tried it, but it doesn't work!"

58. One day, Mianpi was in trouble, so Ask Meatball for help, Meatball: Just wrap it up on me! So, there were dumplings.

59. One day, Bread was beaten by a bean paste bun, and Spoon went to avenge Bread. Later, Bread asked Spoon, and Spoon said: No problem, I beat that kid until the shit came out!

60. Xiao Min saw an old man on the bus, so she stood up and helped the old man sit down. After a while, the old man stood up. Xiao Min pressed the old man on his shoulders and sat down again: Old man, sit down! After a while, the old man stood up again, and Xiao Min put his hands on his shoulders and sat down again: Old man, sit down! After repeating this for several times, the old man finally started crying: Young man, please let me get off the bus. I have already sat at several stops!

61. The blind man and the stuttering man went for a drive. The blind man looked at the road while the blind man drove. After a while, the blind man saw a deep ditch in front of him, so he shouted in horror:

Ditch! ditch! ditch! The blind man sang back: Oh thunder! Oh thunder! Oh thunder! , the result...

I still hope to adopt it, please give me some face, okay? It’s not easy for me to fight so much! O(∩_∩)O!