Find a long joke

The Confessions of a Bad Person (Absolutely Classic)

1. When I was born, I happened to catch up with the delivery nurse who fell in love. Because I didn’t cry out at the first time, the result was She was beaten violently.

2. When I was one year old, I just learned to crawl and walk. I crawled all over the house and found a mousetrap under my bed. It is said that two years after I bought that mousetrap, not a single mouse was caught. The first time it caught a mouse, it was my hand.

3. When I was two years old, I learned to walk. Play hide and seek with your parents at home. I hid under my bed and stepped on another mousetrap. It is said that it has been three years since I bought this mousetrap, and the first time it caught it was my leg.

4. When I was three years old, I wanted to go down the stairs. The old lady Zhang next door said she would lead me down the stairs to prevent me from falling. As a result, before she could finish her words, she fell down the stairs. He fell down the stairs from the fourth floor to the first floor and entered the stage of Alzheimer's disease.

5. When I was four years old, the police uncle led me across the road, but I didn’t say thank you. He was hit by a motorcycle and hit the opposite side of the road. He was disabled in the first degree.

6. When I was five years old, my father sent me to kindergarten. The kindergarten aunt complimented me on my beauty. As soon as I finished speaking, a vase fell from the fifth floor and hit my aunt's skull directly.

7. When I was six years old, I went to the zoo for the first time. I said, that male panda is prettier than that female panda. The next day, the panda I praised me for died in childbirth.

8. When I was seven years old, I went to primary school. In the final exam, the math teacher said that if I scored 59 points, I would consider it 60 points. The next day, the math teacher died in a car accident.

9. When I was eight years old, I praised the girl in our class for being so beautiful. Five minutes later, the girl caught a rare meteor shower.

10. When I was nine years old, I learned to rob. I robbed a five-year-old kid on the road. As a result, he was beaten violently. He claims to be a lay disciple of Shaolin Temple.

11. When I was ten years old, Xiaopang and I went to the toilet together. Little Fatty complimented me on how handsome I looked when I went to the toilet. I was about to say thank you, but Little Fatty had already fallen into the toilet.

12. When I was eleven years old, the teacher asked me what the value of thirty-seven was. I said three-seven-twenty-one. The teacher said, you are so smart, but you died of a heart attack before you finished speaking.

13. When I was twelve years old, I took the primary school graduation exam. The invigilator said to me, hurry up, time is running out. I said, thank you teacher for the reminder. Just as he finished speaking, the electric fan above the teacher's head fell down...

14. When I was thirteen years old, I was in junior high school. My previous experience scares no one from approaching me. Only a classmate named Wang, who was known as bold, said to me: I don't believe you can carry it like this. That afternoon, Wang boldly was chased by two bulls for eight streets.

15. When we were fourteen years old, the teacher asked us to write a composition titled "Our Bridge". I mentioned in my essay: The bridge in the city is very majestic... The next day, when I went to class, I found that the bridge suddenly collapsed.

16. When I was fifteen years old, I fell in love with a girl. I didn't dare to say it for fear of hurting her. But I couldn't control myself, so I finally chose a sunny day to confess to her on the empty playground of the school. .According to the weather forecast, there will definitely be no meteor shower that day. But after I confessed my love, the earthquake happened, and I watched this girl cry and fall into the crack...

17. When I was sixteen years old, I was in high school. I fell in love with playing football, and the opponent's goalkeeper praised me for playing well. So, the goal suddenly collapsed...

18. When I was seventeen years old, I followed the crowd to watch the real scene of jumping off a building. As a result, I was pinned down by him... Two months later, he and I were both discharged from the hospital. At the entrance of the inpatient department, he said thank you to me for saving him. As a result, he was pinned down by another person who jumped from the building. This time he did not survive...

19. When I was eighteen, I became an adult. The first time I went to the bank to withdraw money, I ended up being robbed by robbers. The lady at the counter said: Shhh... don't make a sound, otherwise the robbers will kill someone. Before he finished speaking, the counter girl was beaten to a pulp by the robber...

20. When I was nineteen years old, I went to college to drink with my classmates. Four of them drank two bottles of wine, and three of them drank. Follow the king of hell. I was expelled and placed on probation...

21. When I was twenty years old, I told my classmates that flying was safer than taking the train.

So, the plane started to fall...

22. When I was twenty-one years old, I told my father that if I had the chance, I must go to the Twin Towers in the United States to see it. So, 911 happened...

23. On the 22nd, my colleagues and I made a bet that the Chinese team would definitely achieve good results in the World Cup. So... Later, I was invited to attend a national seminar, and the topic was why I was so unlucky. After I submitted my story to the organizing committee, the topic changed to why I am so lucky. I listened.

24. When I was 23 years old, in April, I quit my job in a bank and worked for an airline travel company. Soon SARS came. The company closed down...

25. In the same year, I was unemployed and at home. I really had nothing to do. I dated a girlfriend. After the same old routine, it was time to have sex. As a result, masks faced masks...

26. Seeing many people making a lot of money from SARS, I was moved and collected 150,000 yuan to pull a cart of vegetables. When I arrived in Beijing, someone paid 250,000 yuan to buy it, hum! Wait a little longer, no need to negotiate until 350,000 yuan. On the third day, the price of vegetables stabilized, but the vegetables started to rot. I quickly found a buyer. The other party offered 3,000 yuan and sold...

27. There is an old saying in China : Get up wherever you fall! I found that the supply of masks has always been in short supply and the price has gone up, so I started to set up a factory to produce "Shuai" brand masks. Using scrap materials saves money, and I make 10,000 yuan a day. The next day, the Bureau of Industry, Commerce, and Technical Supervision closed my factory and fined me 30,000 yuan...

28. It seems that I am not a business person, so I should become an official! I spent 48,000 yuan to the director. He promised to get it done for me! He will go to work tomorrow. The next day, I went there, and the director was taken away by the procuratorate's car. Not only was my money wasted, but I was also involved...

29. A month later, I was released on bail pending trial. As soon as I got home, my girlfriend collapsed in the hospital. I heard she had SARS. She left when I arrived. Wearing a "handsome" brand mask on my mouth...

30. I'd better take the right path. I learned how to surf the Internet from a netizen named "Love to Eat". With her encouragement, I posted a post called "Why do you need to reply after reading this post?" She praised her greatly and quickly followed the post. As a result, her computer was "scammed" and almost became scrapped. The next day I posted another post called "I love it and don't reply to it after reading it. Why?" 》She was too scared to reply, and all the computers in her company were paralyzed...

31. I met three female netizens online: the first one had a very sweet voice - 56 years old; the second one was 20 She is pretty, but her sister doesn't like boys; the third one is 21 years old, beautiful, talented, likes boys, and likes me. When we met, I told her a joke, but she couldn't even finish it, and she laughed to death...