Bullshit joke on the second floor

The cattle man was stopped by the traffic police: "Comrade, you pressed the line."

The driver looked down at the line and cursed: "I didn't run it over for you!" "

The traffic police fainted, and the cattle man refueled and slipped away.

Soon, another traffic policeman stopped the cow. After the cow got off the bus, the traffic police said, "Comrade, you drink and drive."

The driver sneered: "Does beer count as wine? So you say soy sauce is also oil? Japanese are human, too? "

The traffic police fainted again, and the cow ran away.

1. When a hungry wolf was looking for food, he heard a woman training her child: If you cry again, I will throw you out to feed the wolf! The child cried all night, and the wolf waited outside until dawn and sighed, liar, women are liars!

2. A prisoner was shot. Because the bullet was inferior, the first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... At this time, the prisoner cried: Brother, strangle me, it's really fucking scary!

3. After watching the black 100 meter run, an old lady said with tears that she was scared to death! Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot, but they fired without aiming. The children ran in fear, and the rope couldn't stop them!

Mr. Huang loves revolution. To commemorate the Red Army, he named his son Jun.. One day, he sent his son to class, and when he saw that the No.8 bus had stopped, he shouted to his son: Huang Jun, run, the No.8 bus is coming! ~~~

A bear went to the mountains to start a business. The farmer gave him a sickle and the carpenter gave him a hammer. When the bear came to the mountains, he met a tiger. He was so scared that he held a sickle and a hammer over his head. The tiger said, I didn't see it, but you are still party member!

6. Farmers carry feces. The foreigner looked at it and asked, Grandpa, how much is this sauce? The farmer didn't say anything. The foreigner put a little in his mouth with his hand and thought, I won't tell you how much it is a catty, and I won't tell you that your sauce stinks.

7. One day, Xiaoming put a plaster on his hand.

The teacher asked: What happened to your hand?

Xiao Ming said: It's broken.

The teacher said: Why?

Xiaoming said: Because I am too lazy.

The teacher said: Too lazy will break your hand?

Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road and my shoes hit a stone.

But I'm too lazy to do it by hand,

Just shake your feet with a telephone pole and let the stone fall out.

Passers-by thought I was electrocuted and hit my hand with a wooden stick.

therefore .................

Teacher: ............

8. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold …

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffled,

B-C's whole face is the crystallization of a.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later,

A: Attention. ...

Hearing this, B and C quickly got into the quilt.

And make sure there is no contact with the outside world. ...

As a result, a fart.

9. Once with several classmates.

Go to the high school teacher's house to see him,

An old man, and when he left,

We left some fruit for our teacher.

But the teacher held the monitor's computer bag tightly and said:

"Look, come and see what I brought. ...

Just leave it at the door. "

10. Take a taxi with friends to meet netizens.

When time is running out,

A friend pointed to an ugly girl not far away and said to the driver:

"See that woman?"

"See, stop here?"

"No, kill her! ! ! "

1 1. The manager of a company asked his secretary to forward the official document to his boss:

"Report the boss, there will be a batch of orders in Europe next month.

I think the company needs to bring people to the meeting. "

The boss simply signed "go to the head" at the back of the official document.

Upon receipt, the manager immediately instructed his subordinates to buy the machine.

I plan to travel. I'm packing.

On the day of departure, I was stopped by my secretary.

Secretary: "What are you going to do?"

Manager: "Go to Europe for a meeting!" " "

Secretary: "Does the boss agree?"

Manager: "Didn't the boss say to give me a head start?"

Secretary: "After coming to the company for so long,

Don't you know the boss's English level?

The boss means: go to the head! "

12. A brother likes fish.

Wal-Mart has a kilo of perch 9 yuan.

If you die, it's 7.20 on ice,

As fresh. A brother got off work,

I rushed to buy it, but I was often bought.

Some brother is waiting in front of the fish tank,

Sometimes they don't die for a long time.

A brother fished it in with a net and hit the fish on the head with his hand.

The waiter couldn't take it anymore,

To tell this brother:

"Sir, fainting is not ..."

13. I am an old woman in her fifties.

One day I visited the boys' dormitory,

It happened that a boy was running around in the field without anything on ~

Be seen by Ban Ren.

Jump on the bed with a loud cry at once,

Cover the quilt ~

Ban Ren left a word and went away:

I've never seen anything at my age,

What's your name? ~

This classmate is extremely cold-! ! !

14. One day, Mr. A took a shit in the toilet.

I don't think I can pull it out,

Scream in the toilet.

At this moment, Mr. B outside heard it.

So loudly sings:

"I can't pull it out!"

more importantly,

C jun immediately went on to sing:

"If you can't pull it out again, just dig it by hand!"

Since then, this song has become an indoor song in our dormitory.

15. The graduate campus and undergraduate campus in Peking University are separated.

Graduate students are in a campus called Wanliu.

On the undergraduate campus,

There is a bicycle parking lot in Xiaoximen, the headquarters of Peking University.

Specially prepared for graduate students,

The wall says "Wan Liu classmate parking place".

I used to live there with a friend,

Given his clumsiness,

Finally struggled along while, finally asked me doubtfully:

Who do you think this Wan Liu classmate is? That's awesome. There are so many bicycles! "

16. Just started school,

There is a new English teacher,

He asked us to answer all questions in English in the future.

Then he began to call the roll: 65438 +0.

He shouted.

Our class has arrived at 1,

Shout: Here we are! The teacher said:

Please use English! (Please answer in English)

My classmate scratched his head,

Suppressed along while answered a sentence:

Lead ~ ~ ~ (pronounce the second sound)

17. Dialogue between students admitted to a university in Beijing and alumni:

Are you from Yunnan?

"yes"

"Wow ... it's so far ..."

..........

"Is Yunnan liberated?"

"No, we all carry guns in class."

"You can speak Chinese ~!"

I learned it on the train when I first came.

"Do you live in a cave?"

"No, we live in a tree."

"Is Yunnan in Kunming?"

"Well, Yunnan is the capital of Kunming."

"Where are your many pigtails?"

"In order to go to college, I had to cut it off!"

"Do you still eat raw meat?"

"Our boss invented wood to make a fire, and we ate barbecue."

"Are you from Yunnan?"

"yes."

"That's great. Next time I travel to Lhasa, I will stay at your home. "

"helliphellip is fine, but my home is a little far from Lhasa."

"Then how do you come to school?"

"Riding a donkey to Beijing by plane."

"Must be a long time to get there?

"Get used to it, just leave half a year in advance!"

“helliphelliphelliphelliphelliphellip！

Why not ride a horse?

"In Yunnan, riding is done by the poor, and we have already tested it.

They all ride camels and donkeys.

Then there is no college entrance examination in Yunnan, and the exams are all archery competitions.

Put a sign one kilometer away,

Write "Tsinghua" and put "Peking University" next to it, and then a person will have three chances.

My first shot in Tsinghua and my second shot in Peking University failed. Finally, for safety reasons,

Take the nearest sign, which is this school.

18. Our dormitory

Stay up late at night or go out to play field games with your wife.

I came back late,

Tell us to open the door,

Then we asked them to comment on the slogan,

King Gehudi,

Baota Town River Demon,

Hey hey hey,

Why is your face yellow?

They will never open the door unless they say they eat shit and eat yellow.

Once I went fishing on a winter night,

It's windy,

A friend was frozen stiff,

Knock on the door when you come back,

The password is wrong,

Just shout there,

My face is eating shit and eating yellow,

Open the door.

It's very loud. We live in 1 building, and everyone on the third floor heard it. . . .

19. There is another one, which I heard from others.

By the way, at the poorest time at the end of the month,

Everyone in the dormitory has no money,

If you dare not ask for it from home, you will go on a diet collectively.

In order to save energy, everyone skipped classes.

At noon, the counselor came to the dormitory.

I saw everyone lying in bed weakly.

Very surprised.

Before I could speak, I heard the dormitory owner say slowly, "It's time for lunch".

Everyone staggered out of bed, went to the water room to drink tap water, and went back to sleep. ...

20. There is a female classmate in the university.

Beijingers,

That cold humor.

She talked about her score after the college entrance examination.

Call the sorting desk to check the scores.

When I got my math score,

Telephone report:

"Your math score is 6-"

Hearing this,

Her heart secretly pleased:

"Hey, did you give me more than 60 points in math?"

"-points!" Continue to report by phone.

2 1. Freshman, Shijiazhuang,

In winter, it is very cold every day.

Just after class in the morning and dinner time.

The road is full of people walking to the canteen.

Several students in our class came to the front of the library.

There is a big pond with a thin layer of ice.

Let's discuss it in the south.

Whether this piece of ice can bear the weight of a person,

At this time, the boss from Shaanxi jumped on the ice.

Say, no problem, I can still go,

You can not only walk, but also jump.

That's all,

I saw the boss slowly sink from the ice to the bottom of the pool.

That hand is still waving to us,

Most students in the school were stunned by this wonderful moment.

The boss responded well,

A few fluttered to the shore,

Then stand up and run like lightning,

When we returned to the dormitory, I saw him snuggling up in bed and said:

Needless to say, whoever mentions it again in the future will be ruined.

When I was shopping, I suddenly felt a stomachache.

So I walked into the hot pot restaurant on the corner 199.

I want to borrow a toilet.

I just looked all over the first floor, but I couldn't find it.

So I ran to the second floor.

The second floor is still under renovation, and there is nothing empty.

However, I found a toilet marked "Trouble to be repaired, please don't use it"

There's really no way.

Who cares? There's nobody around anyway.

Take off your pants and squat down toward the toilet.

Awesome ... so cool! !

after the end of

I went downstairs, only to find no one there.

Strange, it's dinner time and the wedding has just been held downstairs.

How can people go to the building at once? Even the waiter and receptionist are gone. ...

So I went to the bar,

And ask: is there anyone? Why is there no one?

At this moment, I saw a waiter coming out from under the bar.

And said:

Fuck! ..... just shit falling from the ceiling.

Were you not there when you played the electric fan? You are very lucky. ......

23. When I was in high school, I talked about arranging and combining, and doing problems in groups.

The teacher called Lei: "How many people are there in your group?"

Ray: "Twelve."

Teacher:

"Well, do the math,

Twelve people lined up,

You can't stand in the front row and back row,

How many arrangements are there? "

Ray countersunk calculation:

"Ah, there are twelve people,

I can't sit in the front row ... yes ... I can't sit in the back row ... "

After a while,

Finally confused and wrong.

The teacher was so angry that Lei stood still.

He called Bo again: "How many people are there in your group?" .

Wave fear,

For a long time,

Answer: "Three ..."

24. A: Sorry!

B: I'm sorry too.

A: Sorry for three people.

Why are you apologizing?

A: Sorry, five.

25. When I took the bus yesterday,

The bus driver kept staring at me,

Like I didn't buy a ticket.

-What would you do?

It's simple,

I kept staring at him, too,

Like I bought a ticket.

26. After a summer vacation,

I was lying on my desk, my eyes closed, and I was confused.

In my confusion, I felt someone's arm touching my finger.

I thought it was my deskmate,

Just dug him with his nails,

Found no response,

I dug him again,

Still motionless, depressed,

This is not in line with my deskmate's style.

Is it light?

So I had a big meal,

Scratching and twisting,

After a while, I felt something was wrong.

Open your eyes, ah,

I found the teacher sitting at my deskmate.

Looking at me with incredible eyes,

The skin on that hand is all red.

27. One afternoon, my classmate was bored working in CCB. A poorly dressed lady (a psychopath) came to his window and gave him a note asking him to withdraw money.

The note impressively wrote

I hereby send Comrade XX to your bank to withdraw RMB.

Then there are n zeros after l.

The signature is * * * C.P Central Office * * *.

My classmate wanted to call the police, but when I saw that the woman with mental illness was very serious, I thought it was a bird's business to call security.

Sure enough, the security guard said to the woman, "If you want to withdraw money from this note, you have to go to the opposite police station and have the director stamp it. After he seals it, you can withdraw money again. "

The woman walked directly to the police station without thinking. This security guard is really unusual. Usually underestimate him a little.

About ten minutes later, the number of customers in line slowly increased, and the woman came back happily, holding a note in her hand and saying, "People say that the procedures are simplified and you can withdraw money directly without the approval of the director."

When my classmate heard this, he couldn't help but sigh: the pol.ice team really has experts, and a "high-profile" was sent back.

My classmate and the security guard were both a little stupid at that time. There are many people in the business hall. I was afraid that her mental illness would affect the normal order, so I had to call the supervisor on duty.

The supervisor talked with the female patient and asked what you were doing with the money. The female patient said, "Take money to buy bread, cakes, food and clothes." The supervisor pointed to a place not far away, and the woman left happily again.

The security guard went to consult the "ingenious plan", and the supervisor said to the female patient at that time: "We are CCB here, and only by building a house can we withdraw money here. If you take money to buy vegetables, it must be vegetables. You have to go to the Agricultural Bank to buy clothes and other things, and you have to go to ICBC to withdraw money! "

My classmates really admire you. After all, you are in charge! ! ! !

…………

…………

After a while, the lady came back with a reply from ICBC: "The people at ABC said that this is ABC, and only farmers can withdraw money. I am an urban population. ICBC people say that we are a public bank here. Only the public can take it, but the mother can't! " ! ! ! Call me a bitch and go to China Construction Bank to withdraw money. "

28. Everyone is talking about what they saw on the train.

A brother said that he used to take a soft sleeper by train.

As a result, after a while, the conductor came over and told him to change trains.

He asked the conductor what happened.

The conductor told him that a government official would come by this bus.

This car is all packed.

Everyone was outraged and cursed the government for corruption.

A brother speaks amazingly:

"These bastards,

Don't even miss the train,

Not only do you have a mistress,

And a fucking train! "

29. An old man specializes in roast duck in Beijing.

It is said that authentic roast duck tastes terrible.

Once I took a group of people to eat authentic Beijing roast duck.

"Boss! Give a roast duck, important! "

I saw my little sister bring a roast duck to the table.

"Here comes the roast duck!"

The old man stopped everyone's meal first,

Touch the roast duck's ass,

Looking for a little sister:

"This is not Beijing roast duck,

It's Nanjing salted duck, change it! "

Xiaomei took it back and changed it quickly.

"Here comes the roast duck!"

analogously

The old man touched the duck's ass and said angrily:

"Little sister! This is Tianjin salted duck, change! "

Miss Jie took it back to tell the chef and brought another plate to the table.

"Here comes the roast duck!"

The old man repeated the action and finally said:

"You can eat!

This is the authentic Beiping roast duck! "

At this moment, a chef suddenly ran out of the kitchen.

Kneel in front of the old man and say:

"I was an orphan since I was a child.

I don't know where I was born,

Can you touch me?

Tell me where you are from! "

30. The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry to scold: if I don't fucking come back, I'll die! At this moment, the snail's voice came from outside the door: Tell me again that I won't go.

3 1. Chinese exam,

There is a fill-in-the-blank question.

The authors of Back and Spring are required to be filled in separately.

A student knows nothing.

When you fill in the first blank,

He quietly asked his deskmate:

Answer: "Zhu Ziqing."

When he filled in the second blank, he asked again:

Answer: "It's still him."

So,

He filled out the examination paper.

"It's him again"

32. In the English exam,

A jun is at a loss,

Suddenly I found that Mr. B had filled it up.

Throw a note for help.

After a while, Mr. B threw a paper ball.

Jun was overjoyed and busy unpacking.

I saw an eraser wrapped in paper.

The letters A, B, C and D are drawn on the four sides of the eraser.

There are still a few words on the paper: throw it yourself.

33. A senior official visited a farm.

Ask the farmers:

How did I find it on the farm?

There is a cow without horns.

The farmer replied:

Cows have no horns for many reasons.

Maybe it's genetic,

Not at birth,

It is also possible that it fell off after illness.

The reason it has no horns is that

This is a horse.

When I was a child, I ate noodles.

Eat, eat,

I pulled out a from my throat:

"Ha ha, moving face!"

At this time,

Dad beside seriously said:

"What's so funny about roundworms,

Eat quickly! "

35. One day, Xiaoming came to visit his future mother-in-law.

Mother-in-law: Sit anywhere! The food will be ready soon!

Then I went into the kitchen and got busy.

At this time, only Xiao Ming and nervousness were left in the living room.

Mother-in-law's dog Xiaobai

Suddenly, Xiao Ming found a sharp pain in his stomach.

He thought, no! I must hold back!

But he can't ~ ~

Poof ~ ~

He farted an invincible fart,

He thought to himself, this is a dead man ~ ~ and he will definitely be thrown out

Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law just shouted: Xiao Bai ~ ~!

Xiao Ming thought with relief. Fortunately, Xiao Bai is my scapegoat.

Then he couldn't help farting again,

My mother-in-law also called Xiao Bai ~ ~

When he farted for the third time,

See mother-in-law rushed out to lambaste said:

Xiao Bai! You won't run unless it stinks to death, will you?