I'll rub your shoulders ... I'll rub your back, and you'll never be tired.

You need to read more jokes, and books on eloquence are free to play.

You can search under Baidu: eloquence jokes and the like.

If you want to flatter, I suggest you read it: the book of flattery.

If you want to be thick-skinned, I suggest reading the book Black Studies.

My computer is full of these. Tell me a few jokes casually and see if you can use them in different environments.

00 1◎ When a mouse gets angry, everyone is a sick cat.

002◎ arguing with MM about whether whales are fish or not, I finally said "I have something to say to myself", and she agreed that whales are not fish.

003◎ There is gold under a man's knee. I cut off my whole leg and didn't even find a copper coin!

I bury corn in the soil in spring, and I will harvest a lot of corn in autumn. I bury my wife in the ground in spring, and I will be shot in autumn!

If you see a shadow in front, don't be afraid, it's because there is sunshine behind!

006◎ People who run around brothels are not old. Please use Huiren Treasure.

007◎ Listen to you and leave me ten books!

008 ◎ Appears at the age of 0, and 10 goes up every day. 20-year-old dream, 30-year-old effort. At the age of 40, it is basically oriented, and at the age of 50, it is full of popularity. Playing mahjong at the age of 60 and wandering around at the age of 70. 80-year-old lesbians are very common, and 90-year-old lesbians are hanging on the wall!

009◎ Take off your clothes, I am an animal. Put on your clothes, I am the devil wears Prada!

0 10◎ Teacher, just follow the old lady! ... after a long time ... teacher, please give me a break!

0 1 1◎ "Honey, I'm ... I'm pregnant for ... three months, but don't worry, it's not yours, so you're not responsible ..."

0 12◎ We have a little difference: she wants me to turn dung into gold, and I want her to treat gold as dung.

0 13◎ Read 10 years of Chinese, it is better to talk about QQ for half a year.

0 14◎ Being lazy in bed in the morning, I took out six coins from my pocket: If all six are heads, I will go to class! Think for a long time, forget it, don't take the risk. ...

0 15◎ spent 80,000 yuan to buy a pottery jar of the Western Zhou Dynasty. I went to Jianbao column for appraisal yesterday. The expert said seriously, "Which of these is from the Western Zhou Dynasty?" This is from last week! "

0 16◎ I can tolerate fake bodies, fake faces, fake breasts and fake hips! ! ! But I just can't stand that money is fake! ! ! !

0 17◎ Scholars play dead for their confidants, and women have plastic surgery for people who like themselves.

0 18◎ When I grow up, I will marry the Tang Priest. I will play if I can, but I won't eat him.

0 19◎ Two tigers are not allowed in one mountain unless there is a male and a female.

020◎ Don't wait until everyone says you are ugly, only to find that you are really ugly.

02 1◎ If my friends can sell them for five dollars each, I can make a small fortune.

Personals: The requirements are as follows: A is alive and B is female.

023◎ Give me some sunshine and I will rot.

024◎ Eat a little to lose weight.

025◎ Shake, shake to Naihe Bridge.

026◎ Fate shuffles, but it is ourselves who play cards!

Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

028◎ Come back, I can't fool you alone!

029◎ Life is the mouth of Song Like Zude, and you never know who will be unlucky next ~ ~ ~

030◎ If you fall, get up and cry again ~ ~ ~

03 1◎ Besides teeth, there is love.

032◎ A dinosaur went to the toilet when passing by Xi Jiaotong University. When she came out, she sobbed, "555, I finally don't have to worry about getting married in my life ..."

Life is easy. Live, relax. Life is not easy.

My cousin is over forty. Starting from the text, I failed in the exam for three years. Then I practiced martial arts, and as soon as I made a move in the martial arts field, I was fired from playing drums. Change the medicine, write the prescription, eat it, and die.

035◎ Asking yourself how much sorrow you can have is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel. ...

036◎ My life is limited and my food is limited ~ ~ ~

037◎ There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, mirrors are flat.

Are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head!

040◎ If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first, and don't blame the earth for not having gravity when you are constipated.

04 1◎ clap your head to make a decision, and clap your chest to make sure to leave.

We walk so fast that our souls can't keep up. ...

043◎ Don't be as knowledgeable as the earth people ~ ~ ~

044◎ Girls only need to succeed once from a virgin to a woman, and boys need repeated training from a virgin to a man!

045◎ If you hang out, your wife will change sooner or later!

When I was a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me. ...

047 rich people are grandfathers! But there are even more people who owe money and don't pay it back!

048◎ Even if I were a toad, I would never marry my mother toad.

049◎ Why do you have to sleep for a long time before you die? After death, you will fall asleep. ...

A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

05 1◎ Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately-in the end, he killed all the students.

052◎ On the way to Xi 'an on business, a Dalian man boasted a lot about how good Dalian was, and then said that Dalian held a grand celebration on the centenary of its founding, and then asked a person next to him, "Is there any celebration on the centenary of Xi 'an?" A few Xi 'an's buddies next to him were shocked. After a while, they forced out a sentence: "I remember when Xi' an established its capital 600 years ago, there was a' bonfire emperor' ..."

053◎ Diamonds last forever, and one goes bankrupt!

054◎ In a harmonious campus, the cyclist may be a doctor, while the driver of Mercedes-Benz may be a logistics person. ...

055◎ It is gold, which will always be spent; This is a mirror. It always reflects light. ...

056◎ The reason why my girlfriend doesn't become a monk is that she didn't pass CET-4 and won't accept it in buddhist nun.

057◎ A star can become more famous if he takes off his clothes a little, but I was caught when I took off my clothes!

058◎ Looking at a beautiful MM, there is no way to strike up a conversation. I picked up a brick by the side of the road and stepped forward. "Classmate, did you drop this?"

When I was a child, my dream was not to be a scientist. I fantasize that I am the master of the landlord's family, with thousands of hectares of fertile land, and I am ignorant all day long. I have nothing to do, so I have to lead a group of dog slaves to the streets to flirt with a good girl. ...

060◎ Don't talk to me about ideals, and quit!

06 1◎ Roses for you, chocolates for you and diamonds for you. You, mine!

062◎ The so-called surprise is that the rabbit you are waiting for comes, followed by the wolf!

What is happiness? Happiness is that cats eat fish and dogs eat meat, and Altman hits small monsters!

064◎ Two farmers boasted: "The chickens on our farm eat all tea leaves and lay all tea eggs." "Yes, our farm gives chickens wallets to lay poached eggs."

065◎ Cockroaches are not afraid of cockroach medicine, but we can't even handle vitamins!

066◎ Don't blame the dog for looking like a steamed stuffed bun!

067◎ When men cheat, their IQ is second only to Einstein!

Study hard for China! A pack of China cigarettes is a lot of money. ...

If you can't dress your woman in a wedding dress, don't stop you from unbuttoning her clothes!

070◎ Don't think that wearing dirty clothes can become a tainted witness; Don't think that wearing wooden slippers can be a witness to clogs. ...

07 1◎ The cause belongs to the country, the honor belongs to the unit, the achievement belongs to the leader, the salary belongs to the wife, the property belongs to the children, and the mistakes are your own.

072◎ Phoenix rebirth is nirvana, pheasant rebirth is corpse change.

If one day I become a hooligan, please tell others that I am innocent. ...

074◎ I not only have a car, but also work by myself. ...

075◎ Women have countless QQ numbers just to flirt with a man. Men often use a QQ number to fill in all kinds of women. ...

076◎ I accidentally read the so-called contemporary women's mate selection standard: "If you have a car and a house, your parents will die." Depressed. I wrote down the imaginary criteria for choosing a spouse: "The family property is over 100 million, the beauty is the best in the world, the virtuous and gentle, and the father-in-law has terminal cancer ..."

077◎ Most people only do three things in their life: deceive themselves, deceive others and be bullied.

078◎ Sleep is an art-no one can stop my pursuit of art!

In order to avoid domestic violence, I decided not to get married!

You can live like a pig, but you can never be as happy as a pig!

08 1◎ As fast as lightning, it's not worth mentioning that if you don't sweep a house in the storm as a symbol of our love, why can you sweep the world invincible? When the sun rises in the east and the rain falls in the west, when I look up, I find it is moonlight. How can you kill a chicken? How can you try it out with a knife? The rescue of Zhao Baokui is really beautiful in spring. Good-bye and gossip.

082◎ A blog diary in Anonymous: One day, I was drunk, so I reached out and touched it-my mobile phone and chastity are here, so go to sleep!

083◎ A beautiful, pure, gentle, sexy and lovely virgin is like a ghost. Men are talking about it, but no one has seen it with their own eyes. ...

084◎ I remember the primary school teacher scolding me: "I will kick you out with a slap!" " I wanted to laugh at that time, but I was afraid to laugh. Now, I dare to laugh, but I can't. ...

If happiness is a cloud, if pain is like a star. Then my life is really cloudless and full of stars in Wan Li …

086◎ Effect of contraception: If you don't succeed, you will become a "person".

087◎ Loneliness is a person's carnival, and carnival is the loneliness of a group of people.

088◎ The most tiring thing in this world is to watch your heart break and have to glue it up by yourself.

089◎ The tragedy of life lies in: I worked so hard to have a sweet dream with fragrant contents all night, but I woke up the next morning and couldn't remember it at all!

My father asked me what I wanted in life. I answered money and beauty, and my father punched me in the face; I answered career and love, and my father touched my head appreciatively.

09 1◎ Men are lewd. A stronger one is called a pervert, a stronger one is called a pervert, and a stronger one is called a pervert. Especially strong, it becomes a perverted pervert, obscene to the extreme, so it is called human aesthetic artist.

092◎ I remember one day shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a short message: "Let's break up!" Before I could feel sad, my girlfriend sent another message: "Sorry, I sent it wrong." This can be very sad. ...

093◎ It is forbidden to urinate here, and tools will be confiscated.

094◎ Looking at beautiful women in the street, looking up is appreciation, looking down is hooliganism.

Son of a bitch, we still have a lot to do in this life. Don't waste time playing hide-and-seek with me, just jump out ~ ~ ~

096◎ Women like two kinds of flowers all their lives: one is to spend money, and the other is to spend as much as possible!

097◎ A Hot Topic-About Female Artists ...

098◎ The unfairness of this world lies in: God said, "I want light!" " "So there was this day. The beauty said, "I want a diamond ring!" " "So she got a diamond ring. The rich man said, "I want a woman!" " "So he has a woman. I said, "I want to take a shower!" " "The water was cut off!

099◎ I really don't understand that girls buy a lot of beautiful clothes just to attract the attention of boys, but what boys want to see is girls who don't wear clothes.

100◎ Once in a while, living in silence will feel great, but living in silence will be miserable. ...

Live well, because we will die for a long time.

There are many people who despise me. Who are you?