How to redeem yourself after regretting and blaming yourself after cheating (in the pain of cheating and betrayal)

He had personal belongings outside. As soon as he came home, he would walk with his legs crossed and his buttocks swaying.

I said you don’t need to tighten your legs so much at home, and he said, “I feel so comfortable. If you ask me to relax at home, where can I relax?”

In the past, his home had a landline. When I was on the phone, I kept circling the phone cord with my hand.

Later I told him several times that he didn’t listen, so I simply stopped the phone so that I didn’t have to watch him wandering around like a woman.

After several years of marriage, his femininity became more and more serious, and I felt like I was living with a man wearing a woman's skin.

We had a lot of fights about it and then I got upset and stopped talking to him and left him alone.

Until I found out he was cheating on me, with a big fat woman. It seems I have two, at least two hundred pounds!

This makes me wonder - is he not as attractive as a fat man? Or is he good at it? Normal people wouldn't take a fancy to this, would they?

This is a message from a visitor. I want to tell you three things:

Don’t be biased against masculinity. Obviously, the wife is accusing her husband of not having “masculinity”, that is, the wife thinks that her husband does not behave like a man. Including movements that are generous and simple, without twisting and turning, etc.

This is actually a prejudice!

As a gender, men have more power and control than women, but that doesn’t mean men can’t be feminine at home. For example, we all don’t like fragile men because they don’t fit in with our usual understanding of men.

But in fact, men’s temperaments are diverse. There are times when they are strong, and there are times when they are soft and injured. If in a marriage relationship you require a man to always be strong and not show any vulnerability at any time, that is actually a kind of gender violence!

Men are also human beings. They have joys and sorrows, and can feel hurt and heartache. Naturally, they also have times when they feel wronged and shed tears.

Allowing men to show vulnerability appropriately is what a normal marriage should be like. It is also a sign of a person’s maturity. Don't impose your will on your partner, and don't try to mold your partner into your ideal image.

I believe that it is precisely because of this long-term prejudice and accusation that men are increasingly afraid to show their femininity.

Don’t doubt your own value just because the third person is far inferior to you. Pursue being needed and especially the eternal pursuit of a person in marriage.

When our partner cheats on someone who is far worse than us, in addition to being angry, we are more suspicious - "/"

How am I inferior to this person?

"Are we ugly or beautiful?" "Am I rich or poor, smart or not smart?" In this constant comparison, we realize our existence step by step.

In the process of measuring and comparing oneself with others: This constant comparison of oneself with others is one of the characteristics of human beings and a manifestation of self-awareness!

If we are better than others, we will gain confidence and happiness; if we are not as good as others, we will feel sad and inferior, and we will make changes to try to close the gap between us.

In any case, if you want to achieve self-healing from the pain of betrayal, the first step is to develop self-awareness. Only when you clearly know what you are and what you are not can you begin to change your Life.

You can see the pain caused by being cheated on yourself, and you can also see the self-blame of your partner regretting the cheating, and sincerely pray for your forgiveness. (But this also tends to make us self-centered and disregard the feelings of others)

What liars do is beyond our control.

No matter if he is apologizing or wants a divorce.

What’s important is that you have the ability to feel your emotions through the pain of infidelity! If we could feel our emotions and compare them with others, it would mean we are not zombies, but human beings with flesh and blood!

It depends on each person’s situation. Some cheaters will fight to death without admitting their mistakes, or they will get divorced without apologizing!

If you want to break free of the cage-like feeling of being trapped in your infidelity, you must develop "other-awareness." Breaking the shackles of pain after infidelity and developing "awareness of others" is the second step in self-healing

Here I would like to tell the story of a client. Most of the people who come to me for consultation are civil servants. Or a unit such as a business department. This visitor is no exception. He is the management of a state-owned enterprise.

We digress, let’s continue telling this friend’s story:

Before getting married, this friend was single for a long time, and there was a girl who graduated from a technical secondary school who kept chasing him. Although the girl's family background was not good, her education was not high, and she was only 158cm tall, he thought it didn't matter if the material conditions of the two people's lives were slightly different, as long as they worked hard for the family together. Besides, he can also make money, and one person can bear all the expenses of the family.

Later, under the active pursuit of this girl, he bought a house with full payment and got married. When you were in love, you didn't see much in terms of food and drink expenses, but after you got married, the difference in money became apparent: he gave the woman one hundred thousand as a bride price, and the woman's dowry was a set of quilts passed down by her parents ( The cotton was taken from other old quilts, and the back was hand-sewn by myself, like the kind of bright red quilt with peonies embroidered on it). Except for a person and this quilt, the woman never contributed any money during the marriage; the woman took away the 100,000 yuan gift after the marriage, saying that she must keep the guarantee he gave her to herself. But the fact is that not long after they got married, her parents "borrowed" it to build a house, and they didn't give it back to me until they got divorced (friends around her laughed at what he was doing for her, targeted poverty alleviation?); I always felt like there was someone outside her. , the profile picture looks like a couple’s profile picture but it’s not with him. His usual salary card is kept with her, but there is always a certain amount of money that is unaccounted for; I take care of the children at home, not to mention washing dishes and cooking. In the three years since her marriage, she has cooked no more than ten times, including boiling eggs for breakfast in the morning. In addition to ordering takeout, she also goes out to eat. He wanted to save money, but she said other men with an annual income of 100,000 were not as stingy as him. The problem is that she is a technical secondary school graduate who only earns a little over 3,000 yuan a month, and all the fruits she eats are imported, costing dozens of yuan per pound;

Later, he caught evidence of this girl's cheating, and the two of them The individual is divorced. However, this girl was very thoughtful and secretly changed the divorce agreement. Among them, he remembered two main items: "The man is not allowed to get the child back in any way" and changed "alimony" to "living expenses."

This girl is a typical example of having no "awareness of others". She lives in her own world, cannot feel the pain of others, and only cares about her own happiness.

In fact, to see whether a partner has awareness of others, it is enough to look at three aspects: work, social interaction, and sex

Partners who do not have awareness of others are likely to have problems in these three aspects. Lidu wants to gain the upper hand to protect his own interests and refuses to suffer a loss. So I often have disputes with my boss, friction with my friends, and quarrels with my partner. Relieving the loneliness caused by infidelity in the organization is the third step in self-healing

No one can live alone.

No matter how much you close your heart and don’t want to communicate with anyone after encountering an affair, you still have to live in this society. Many people who have experienced betrayal are used to being an "invisible person" in their lives - finding a place to hide without being discovered or cared about.

It is precisely because they have been betrayed by the person they love most that they are unwilling to establish an intimate relationship again. My partner cannot be trusted, my marriage cannot be trusted, and it is safest to live alone. Maybe other people's marriages can lead a happy life, but that's not mine!

Living alone will only make you feel more and more lonely. If you can't get out of the situation of being alone and grieving, then you can't see the bigger world outside!