Who can give me a script for a funny joke? Let's get together in five minutes. There are no pornographic or violent elements, there are not many props, only tables and chairs.

With this clip, the effect is a lever! !

Jia Xuming Zhang Kang crosstalk "News Network" lines, funny situation ~ ~

Jia: Good evening, audience friends.

Zhang: Good evening.

Jia: Today is Monday, April 30th, 2065, the 10th day of the fourth lunar month. Welcome to the news broadcast program.

Zhang: The main content of today's program is

Jia: Two crosstalk performers from Beijing Hip-hop Bun Shop will perform a crosstalk show at Beijing Haidian Theatre.

Zhang: The United Nations Millennium Development Conference will be held at United Nations Headquarters. The main topic of the conference will be to discuss whether Zhang Jia's crosstalk symbols did not meet the demand of the market at that time, and whether they led the new trend of crosstalk development.

Jia: World leaders have sent congratulatory messages. They said in their congratulatory message that Zhang Jia's cross talk had made outstanding contributions to world peace and development in the past year, and especially affirmed Zhang Jia's shameless spirit.

Zhang: Celebrities from all walks of life who performed in Chinese-foreign cooperation arrived in Haidian Theatre today for a four-hour official goodwill visit.

Jia: Those who watched the performance today are

Zhang: Obama

Jia: Bin Laden

Zhang: Ban Ki-moon

Jia: Gaddafi

Zhang: George W. Bush

Jia: Saddam Hussein

Zhang: photo

Jia: Really?

Zhang: I read the list here.

Jia: I read the list over there.

Zhang: People on both sides of the strait are very concerned about this performance.

Jia: Especially the people there are more concerned.

Zhang: They said that if they didn't behave well, they would not hesitate to take them away.

Jia: The main reason is that there is no subpoena.

Zhang: We mainly recall the main news contents from 20 12 65438+ 10/0 to May 1. Please read the newsletter.

Jia: Bi Fujian hosted CCTV Spring Festival Gala for the first time, and an old man finished last. Sure enough, the stars of the Spring Festival Gala all showed the standard of the Avenue of Stars.

Zhang: At the Spring Festival Gala in the Year of the Loong, Li was the greatest person ever, because he followed Li from Qu Ying, Zhou Xun to Faye Wong, and he lost his voice.

Jia: On March 20th, faced with the simultaneous price increases of Sinopec, PetroChina and CNOOC, China gutter oil clearly indicated that it would not follow up for the time being.

Zhang: This is recognized by the masses. Is this a truly responsible and conscientious central enterprise?

Jia: The Municipal Traffic Management Bureau has informed that the increase in the price of No.93 gasoline has obviously reduced the traffic volume, but the increase in the traffic volume has increased the traffic pressure. Therefore, from May 1 day, passers-by are restricted, and one-day tour with single eyelid, two-day tour with double eyelid and single and double night tour are allowed. Those who wear sunglasses will be regarded as deliberately blocking the license plate, those who travel blindly will be regarded as having no license plate, and those who cut their double eyelids will be regarded as decks.

Zhang: On March 15, it was reported that some large enterprises were selling expired food. In fact, we should not condemn them, but thank them. They help us cultivate ourselves into indestructible bodies. Xinhua News Agency reported that more than 200 diners were hospitalized with diarrhea because of the use of unsanitary tableware in a restaurant in California. However, diners from China not only did not feel any discomfort, but also participated in the rescue work. The American reporters present felt that the days when China people got sick in East Asia are gone forever. Today, people in China are poisonous. ! !

Jia: You see, the one who made leather shoes medicine just ate salted duck eggs of Sudan red the day before yesterday, and the one who made Sudan red just drank gutter oil the day before yesterday. The man who makes waste oil has Sanju breakfast milk, and the one who has Sanju milk eats lean meat and has loose bowels every day. Don't apologize, this is in line with the three-dimensional leap-forward comprehensive management! ! !

Zhang: I want to eat bean jelly in lick the shoes in the future. If I want to eat old yogurt, I will lick my shoes. If I catch a cold, I will lick my shoes. When I have money, I will definitely buy two pairs of shoes, wear a pair and eat a pair.

Jia: I got the hall, the kitchen, the mountain, the pond, the yogurt and the capsules, and the 20 12 leather shoes were very busy.

Zhang: There are news about exposure of toxic food around us every day. Occasionally, I saw the contents of harmful substances clearly marked on cigarette packages, which clearly reminded me that smoking is harmful to health. I was inexplicably moved. It is still the most conscientious cigarette industry.

Jia: His deeds deeply touched people's hearts. People are praising and learning from the good example of small Shenyang, vigorously carrying forward the spirit of small Shenyang, and a large number of pacesetters have emerged in various places to learn from small Shenyang.

Zhang: The people's tolerance for corruption has reached a critical point. Therefore, the relevant departments decided to greatly raise the critical point of the people.

Jia: The central government decided to spend 1 100 million yuan to arrange for 40,000 bureau-level cadres to take the Long March again. Once the news was leaked, it caused a hot discussion among netizens.

The people have said that they will fight the national army voluntarily for free, and they also said that they will never let a corrupt official live in northern Shaanxi.

Zhang: If European and American schools hold parent-teacher conferences in March and April next year, the two sessions may not be held next year.

Jia: The candidate countries that moved China this year are Indonesia, Vietnam, Myanmar, Thailand and the Philippines.

Zhang: General Zhang, a famous military scientist, made a questionnaire survey on the military strength of various countries: First, the United States can hit whoever it wants! Second: I will fight whoever Britain and America fight! Third: France, I will hit whoever hits me! Fourth: Japan, whoever hits me, I will let the United States hit him! Fifth: Korea, who hit me? I will practice with America! Sixth: Russia, I will hit anyone who scolds me! Seventh: In our country, whoever hits me will be scolded! .....

Jia: Eighth: North Korea, whoever hits me, I will hit South Korea.

Zhang: North Korea is really a strange country. As long as you are fat, you will become a national leader sooner or later.

Jia: North Korea was originally poor. It saved money to build rockets for so many years, but it was unexpectedly released as a monkey.

Zhang: North Korea's failure to launch a rocket tells us a truth: if you want to shoot without eating enough, you can't hold on for a minute.

Jia: A Japanese tourist lost his bike in Wuhan and later found it again. He deeply thanked the citizens of Wuhan. Actually, it's nothing. When the photographer Mr. Chen lost his computer, the whole society helped him find the photos.

Zhang: Japanese who lost his bike, I want to remind you here that you lost your bike after riding in more than a dozen countries. Be content. If you put your first stop in China, you will only have one stop on your world tour.

Jia: Rui asked Ambassador Luo that you were flying economy class. Are you reminding everyone that the United States owes China money? Rui Chenggang's question is reasonable, because all China people who owe money to China fly first class.

Zhang: The principal of a primary school in Guizhou was dismissed on the spot because the school gave the students bad food, which caused the students to be poisoned by eating by mistake. It's hard to be a primary school principal, and a university principal will never be dismissed for giving them rotten food.

Jia: Good medicine tastes bitter and is good for the disease. In order to solve the bitter problem of traditional Chinese medicine, china association of traditional chinese medicine decided to insert a tube in the body to fill the medicine, because it would be very comfortable to insert a tube in the body, so he started the experiment from the president of the Association.

Zhang: Recently, the medicine in Guizhentang has gone up instead of down. The event of taking bile proved that their products were genuine.

Jia: A young man's girlfriend was arranged to leave a message "I love you" every day under a Sina Weibo. As long as she persists for 65,438+000 days, she will marry this young man. It seems that it lasted for 99 days. When I opened Weibo on 100, the screen was clean.

Zhang: Internet development planning: First, comments have been closed; Second, the comments have been closed; Third, close

Jia: Weibo, ranked second in the Weibo list, is: the Weibo has been deleted by the original author; The number one Weibo is: The Weibo has been deleted.

Zhang: The State Administration for Industry and Commerce investigated and dealt with a case of infringement of the exclusive right to use the Olympic trademark according to law. An underwear manufacturer in Zhejiang registered two trademarks first. Men's underwear is called bird's nest, and women's underwear is called water cube. What annoys the Olympic Committee most is the advertising slogan: same place, same dream.

Jia: Fifteen years ago, when I was in junior high school, the whole class watched Titanic together. Then I couldn't figure out why ROSE and JACK got on the bus, the window was foggy, and one hand was patting the window. I want to watch it again this time. I heard it was deleted.

Zhang: IPAD3 was released as scheduled. It supports ten languages, but there is no Korean. Korean netizens expressed regret that South Korea is a market that cannot be ignored. Why not support Korean? China netizens said that it was still the old Apple, which directly eliminated the possibility that Apple was invented by South Korea.

Jia: The war between Fang and Han Han provided us with two understandings: one is that Han Han is not a god, and the other is that Fang is not a human being.

Zhang: As for Fang, only water can be harnessed, and water can carry a boat and overturn it.

Jia: During the match between Guangzhou Evergrande Football Club and Japanese Apollo team, fans put up slogans: Diaoyu Island belongs to China and Aoi sora belongs to everyone.

Zhang: Aoi sora speaks for Longjing. Everyone questioned: Is Longjing scented tea green tea after all?

Jia: Both Kurai and Longjing have this word, so that we can understand what the word "well" stands for, because they are both two.

Zhang: Here is the sports news.

Jia: After unremitting efforts, Messi's average score per game finally surpassed that of the United Arab League.

Zhang: After years of hard work in the NBA, Yi Jianlian has changed from an ordinary substitute to a pure substitute.

Jia: Beijing Jinyu Basketball Team won the first secondary vocational basketball championship, and two people played an extremely important role, one was Marbury and the other was Su Wei.

Zhang: Beijing fans got rid of Beijing's scolding for many years and turned to shout for Su Wei. The club of the municipal government presented a banner to Comrade Su Wei with tears in recognition of his great contribution to the civilized stadium. In this way, Su Wei cured her long illness.

Jia: Once again, China football failed to go global, and the fans calmly said that it was the due result.

Zhang: I've been watching China's game for more than ten years. What the commentator said most was that there was not much time left for the China team.

Jia: On the issue of national football bonuses, the Football Association recently announced a plan, with the top ten being 5 million yuan and the World Cup100000, with a total bonus of * * *150000. The player bought a welfare lottery ticket.

Zhang: Shu Qi deleted all Weibo. A quarrel between a fan of 200,000 and a fan of 4 million forced a fan of100,000 to delete Weibo.

Jia: There are countless billboards and posters all over Beijing, big and small, to promote the Beijing spirit of patriotism, innovation, tolerance, virtue and certification.

Z: invoice. Wechat Shake is a good social tool, which has strengthened Parkinson's disease all over the country and made friends in a few months.

Jia: I heard that China plans to build its own aircraft carrier. The most pertinent suggestion of the Ministry of Railways is that China had better build an aircraft carrier.

Zhang: Miyun in Beijing is going to build an English city, where people are not allowed to speak Chinese. In fact, this matter is not new, because it has existed for a long time in China.

Precedent, people with big shorts are not allowed to tell the truth.

Jia: The divorce rate in China has been rising for seven consecutive years. More than 5000 couples divorce every day. In order to control the number of divorces, Beijing will implement a lottery divorce.

Zhang: I just saw Qingming burning an Apple mobile phone, fearing that my ancestors would not use it. The owner of the sacrifice shop said that Jobs had turned it in. Please rest assured.

Jia: Because of the sharp increase in the price of cemeteries, many people ask to be buried standing, exposing the upper body, which saves land and even tombstones.

Zhang: There is a generation in China. Primary schools don't need money to go to universities, and once they go to universities, they don't need money to go to primary schools. Before they have jobs, they must find their own jobs when they can. When they don't make money, the house is allocated. When they make money, they find that they can't afford to buy a house and can't marry a wife. Before entering the stock market, fools can make money. When they rushed in, they found themselves fools. They are always in no hurry. After complaining, they always live tenaciously. They are post-80s.

Jia: They live in the world's most expensive house, drive the world's most expensive car, pay the world's most expensive fees, burn the world's most expensive oil, open the world's most blocked roads, pay the world's most expensive money to buy roads, avoid the world's most privileged cars, get in touch with the world's most dense electronics, and worry about the world's strangest fines. They are from Beijing.

Jia: Many people in China don't like News Network, because they are jealous that the people in China are so happy.

Zhang: Today's news broadcast is over.

Jia: Thanks for watching.