Tell jokes on your stomach.

One night, a couple was lying in bed. The husband patted his wife on the shoulder and began to rub her arm.

The wife turned around and said:

Sorry, honey, I have an appointment with a gynecologist tomorrow. I want to keep fresh. "

After the husband was rejected, he turned to sleep.

A few minutes later, he turned around and patted his wife.

This time whispered in her ear:

Are you going to the dentist tomorrow, too? 」

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile.

He put the crocodile on the bar, then turned to the surprised drinker and said:

"Make a deal with you, I will open the crocodile's mouth and put my penis in it.

Then it closes its mouth for a minute, then opens it again, and I will take my people out unscathed.

At that time, each of you will buy me a drink as a reward for witnessing this spectacle. "

Everyone whispered, and the man stood in front of the bar and took off his pants.

Put his DD in the crocodile's open mouth, and the crocodile closed his mouth with the audience holding their breath.

After a minute, the man hit the crocodile on the head with a beer bottle.

The crocodile opened his mouth, and the man really took out his guy unscathed. The crowd cheered and brought drinks to the man.

Soon the man stood up and put forward another proposal: "I will give 100 yuan to anyone who dares to try."

There was silence in the crowd. After a while, a hand was raised behind the bar, and a blonde said shyly:

I can try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.

The condom said to the sanitary napkin, Sister, don't go to work. As soon as you go to work, I will have no business for seven days! Sanitary napkins versus condoms: Big Brother, you are satisfied. If you fucking leak, I won't have a job for ten months

On one occasion, Ge You invited a friend to dinner and went to the toilet on the way. His trousers were wet when he came back.

Friend: "Why are your pants wet?"

Ge You: "It's been like this since I became famous."

www.xiaohua286.cn

One day, in the big forest, the fox was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit came from a distance. Seeing all this, he came over and said, Fox, how can you smoke marijuana? This is not good for your health. Look, how fresh the air is. Come and run with me. The fox thinks this is right, so he runs after the rabbit. They saw the elephant smoking. The rabbit ran to the elephant and said, elephant, elephant, why are you taking drugs? Look how fresh the air is. Run with me. Elephants think it's right to run together. Running, I saw the lion rolled up his sleeves and was about to inject * * *. Little rabbit shouted to the lion from a distance: lion, lion, taking drugs is not good for your health. Look how fresh the air is. Let's run with me ... I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over to beat the rabbit. The elephant trembled and said to the lion, Why did you hit the rabbit? He doesn't want us to hurt his health! The lion said: since the rabbit took ecstasy, he has asked me to run with him every day!

Which is stupid, the star, the moon or the sun? Stars, because there is a saying in Lu's song that the stars in the sky don't talk.

In summer, a giraffe met a rabbit. She proudly showed off her neck to the rabbit: ah, little rabbit, do you know how good the neck is? Do you know how sweet the top leaves are? Do you know the feeling of drinking water in summer? Cool water flowed slowly through her neck. The rabbit looked at her and only said, "Have you tried to throw up?"

When the school began to call the roll, a class teacher was ingenious and said to the students, "I'll read the student number, so you can give your own names and get to know each other, okay?"

"No.0065438 +0!"

"Teacher, my name is Jiao and my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "Who gave this to you?"

"My dad." "What does your father do?"

"Open a pig farm!"

"No.002!"

A girl stood up and said, "Teacher, my name is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai."

"No.003!"

"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother. My name is Zhang. "Who gave you this name?"

"It's my dad. He sells pliers. " The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No.004!"

"Report teacher, my name is Qu (pronounced" ou "), and my name is Qu Ye (oh yeah). This is the name my mother gave me. She said that when she gave birth to me, a computer game exploded. " The teacher felt a little uncomfortable.

"No.005!"

"Report to the teacher, foster mother!" "How do you call names? ! "

"no! Teacher, I mean my last name is Gan, and my name is foster mother. My father makes wine. " The teacher took a pill.

006! "

"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and I am told to ignore it."

"Your dad is a steamed stuffed bun shop? ! "

"Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher has been a little shaken.

"No.007!"

"My name is Kuai (read fast, send the third sound. ) This is called goods. "

"Don't tell me your father runs a warehouse."

"Teacher, you are too old-fashioned. My father is a pimp. " Blood oozed from the teacher's mouth.

"No.008!"

"Teacher, go to hell!" "What? what did you say ? /Excuse me? ! "

"I mean, my name is Ni, and I'm going to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist. Is my name interesting? "

"Interesting, interesting." The teacher is about to cry.

"No.009!"

"Teacher, let's talk about it next time." "Why do you want to say it next time, you say it now!"

"no! Teacher, my surname is Xia, and my name is Xia Huishuo. My father is a storyteller. " The teacher felt dizzy.

"0 10! "

"Teacher, my last name is Gao."

"My name is Mei, and my name is Mei Conscience."

"My name is Wu, and my name is Kate."

"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong." …………

The teacher turned to the sky and growled, "God, I met a group of students!" " "The teacher spurted blood and fell to the ground.

One day, eggplant was walking in the street and suddenly sneezed a lot. It wiped its nose and said angrily, "It's taking a photo again!" "

There are 30 frogs in a pool, and only one frog wears underwear. Why? Because he takes a shower! )

There is a pig. He walked and walked until he came to England. What has he become? -Pigs.

In class, the teacher recited the text at will. Piggy, puppy and kitten all raised their hands. Who will the teacher call? -little dog, because want want is humble.

Butterflies, ants, spiders, centipedes, they worked together, which one didn't get paid in the end? -Centipede, because you won't take it for nothing.

The elephant's nose is the longest in the zoo. Who is the second longest? Elephant.

What kind of fruit has the worst eyesight? Mango.

Which two kinds of fruits have mobile phones? -radish and green vegetables, each has his own love.

A turtle walked through a pile of shit, but left only three footprints on it. Why? -There's a foot on your nose.

If there is a car, the driver is a prince and the passenger is a princess, whose car is it? -If

Jin Mu is a land of fire and water, whose legs are long? Ham sausage

Cobra dated the elephant, said hello and said, "Come as soon as you come. Welcome to lead such a big pig. "

An underworld boss caught a glimpse of a young man in an alley and asked him: What is one plus one? The young man was afraid, thought for a long time and said, it's equal to two. The underworld boss quickly took out his pistol and killed him. Leave a message when you leave: You know too much.

I think as long as I have some modest qualities, I will be a perfect person.

One day, Mung Bean broke up with his girlfriend. He was very sad, so he kept crying, crying, crying .............................................................................................................................................................. ~ ~ ~

Policeman: "Say, what's your name?" Prisoner: "My name is Jackie Chan." Policeman: "Why don't you call Zhen Chen? Correct your attitude ~ tell me your name ~? " Prisoner: "My name is Zhen Chen."

Two jellyfish collided at the seaside. Jellyfish A: "What the hell! You can't swim with your eyes! Jellyfish B: What are eyes? Jellyfish A: I don't know. Last time I met someone, he called me that. Jellyfish B: Oh! That's right! 」

In primary school science class, the teacher told us that knocking on the knee would lead to knee jump. When I got home, I took a hammer and hit it on my dad's knee. And my dad stood up and kicked me. It turns out that the teacher is right!

If one day I become a hooligan, please remember to tell me that I am innocent.

The first lie in life begins with writing a composition in primary school, and the truth begins with writing a love letter.

When the brothers Grimm wrote Snow White, they were very prescient. The man who finally saved Snow White and lived happily with her is called "Prince Charming". And now the female compatriots all want to find the prince charming in their minds, so why pinch it? Because the pinyin abbreviation of Prince Charming is-BMW, or Z series.

A man wanted to jump off a building, and his wife shouted, "honey, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" " "Hearing this, the man jumped up with a whoosh. The policeman said, "You really shouldn't threaten him like this! "

Shit and urine are good brothers. One day, I was killed by a car when I took a shit crossing the road, so pee said, I really want to take a shit …

Xiaoming: "Mom, my classmates say my head is so big." Mom: "Nonsense, they are all bad children. Ignore them. Go and buy chestnuts for my mother. " Xiao Ming: "What do you use?" Mom: "Use your hat."

Think of a number in your head, multiply it by two, add five, then subtract the number you thought at first, multiply it by eight, subtract five, and then close your eyes and you can't see anything, right?

A classmate secretly loves a PLMM that he meets every day after school, but he has no chance to get close to it. One day I followed MM to a ramen restaurant, and finally got up the courage to strike up a conversation with her: "What's your name, classmate ..............? "MM:" beef noodles. " ................................................

A man fell down while walking. He stood up and walked on, and fell down again. So he said; If I had known, I wouldn't have got up just now.

The drizzle fell on the river, and the river got goose bumps.

Which anime characters are the most involved? Answer: Mermaid (because she can't cheat)

Where's Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

Xiao said to Xiao B: dig the plug ... it's raining outside! ! Have you seen it?

Xiao B is very excited: Yes, I see you.

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher:

There are many ants in the toilet.

The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming: What did the ants say?

Xiao a face of vacant ... Said:

Ant, he said nothing.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them.

The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you wanted.

At this moment, the wolf smiled and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

Giraffe said, "Little Rabbit, I hope you know how good it is to have a long neck. No matter what is delicious, I will slowly pass through my long neck when I eat it. That kind of delicious food can be enjoyed for a long time. "

The little white rabbit looked at him without expression.

"Also, in summer, cold water slowly flows through my long neck, which is delicious. What a long neck! White rabbit, can you imagine? "

The white rabbit said slowly, "Have you ever vomited?"

Today, I played CS in the Internet cafe. Not far away, there are two non-mainstream players playing hard. 5. Press the keyboard with a bang! I am very distressed!

So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!

They couldn't help looking over, and I glanced at them contemptuously on purpose! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!

They went on playing with a livid face, but the noise exceeded mine!

Would I want to? So, I beat the keyboard with my palm! Clap hard! Clap hard!

Those two guys stopped hitting hard at first sight and started hitting the keyboard! Louder than me again!

How can I stop? Knock on the keyboard with your fist at once! Hit hard! Hit hard!

The two men looked at each other and began to hit the keyboard! The noise has surpassed me again! I won't give up! Tear off the keyboard! Just throw it on the ground! I stepped on it hard Step hard!

Everyone in the internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream idiots are at a loss!

However, under my provocative eyes, they are also angry! They also ripped off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and step on it! Then they looked at me defiantly!

At this time, the network management of the Internet cafe surrounded them! A webmaster looked at the keyboard trampled by them and slapped it in the face! Then the network management swarmed! Beat up two non-mainstream!

Finally, two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed at me weakly and asked, "Why didn't you ... hit him?"

A webmaster kicked him in the past: "People play CS and bring their own keyboards!"

Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a dark shadow passed by and Pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.

After chasing him out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......

One day, on the bus, a lady left her seat to buy a ticket. When I came back, I found that my seat was occupied by another woman. I was very unwilling and said loudly: I can't lay eggs, but it's very fast. When the woman sitting in the seat heard this, she quickly stood up and said with a smile: I'm sorry for delaying your laying!

A man kept a parrot. The parrot was so strong that all the other birds in it were killed by it.

Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.

The host said, "Not this time."

But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. "

A driver is driving a truck full of hens, teasing his parrot while driving. When a beautiful woman hitchhiked, the driver put the parrot and the hen together in the cargo box and invited the beautiful woman to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty, "May I kiss you?" The beauty shook her head shyly and said, "No". After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked, "Can you hug me?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No."The driver said angrily, "If you can't, go down." After driving for a while, the driver felt that his behavior was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and invited the beautiful woman to get on the bus. But after a while, the driver asked, "May I kiss you?" Beauty still shook her head. "Can I have a hug?" Beauty still shook her head. "If you can't, go down." This was repeated three times, and finally I got to the chicken farm. The driver opened the suitcase and found that there were few hens in Miu Miu. Only the parrot mentioned a hen and asked, "Can a beautiful woman kiss me?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked, "Can you hug me?" The hen still shook her head. The parrot said, "If you can't, go down." The hen was thrown out of the car. ......

The little white rabbit met a wolf while walking in the forest. He came up and put two big ear stickers on the little white rabbit and said, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came up and gave the white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."

Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will handle this matter, so trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found his partner wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. It is very difficult for me. " Then he wiped the dust off the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found a thin one, and you said you wanted a fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found plump ones, and you said you liked slim ones. She found a slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. It is both reasonable and powerful. "The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat." Tutu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" The wolf listened, his heart sank and he was happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tutu, Mary, find me a woman." Tutu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds and raised his hand to give Tutu two big ear stickers. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."

The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, eldest brother, you strangled me! It's fucking horrible. .....

A pupil confessed to his long-cherished teacher. The teacher said it was wrong, but he wouldn't listen. Finally, the teacher couldn't stand it anymore and said, I don't want children. The pupil said: I will be careful! "。

A mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting.

The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people will meet them at the door. Zaihuan

When greeting, all the patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate, standing neatly. As soon as I cough, everyone plays drums together.

Palm, the warmer the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready,

We can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, everyone has no buns to eat. Remember.

have you finished? "The patients in the audience shouted together:" Remember! "

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the popular patient was already standing at the door.

At that time, with the cough of the hospital dean, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. Visiting leaders

Infected by the warm atmosphere and with a smile on his face, he applauded and walked into the hospital with everyone. See the leader has entered the doctor.

When the hospital director stamped his foot, all the applause stopped and it was neat. Only this leader is still playing drums with a smile.

The dean felt very satisfied when he walked forward. Suddenly, a disease as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcome crowd.

People, strode to the front of the leadership, picking up Yuan gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily-"Your ya don't want to eat steamed stuffed bun? ! ! ! "

There are three people, competing marksmanship together, and a black man is holding something as a target.

The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew his gun and said, I'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm m007.

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, and then raised his hand to smash the black man's head at a distance of 100 meters. He also blew the gun and said, I'm sorry ...

A scientist went to the South Pole and met a group of penguins. He asked one of them, "What do you do every day?" Penguin said, "Eat, sleep and beat peas." How many times has he treated persimmons, Huan Huan and skeletons in Australia? Oh, my God! Peter. What's wrong with persimmons? Prostitutes run my garden? Oh, my God! ?

Later, he met a little penguin, very cute, and asked him, "What do you do every day, little friend?" The little penguin said, "Eat and sleep." The scientist was stupefied and immediately asked, "Why don't you hit peas?"

The little penguin said, "Because I am a bean."