Funny xiehouyu homophonic joke

1。 If you want me dead, I have to die.

Mushrooms were walking on the road and were hit by oranges. "I have no eyes, go to hell," said the mushroom angrily. "Then the orange died. . . Because bacteria will kill oranges, oranges must die. .

2。 sika deer

During the festival, the little rabbit said angrily to the deer, you see other girls can receive flowers, why not give them to me? The deer said piteously, because I am a sika deer.

3。 Lifelong driving ban

Today, in the driving school theory class, the teacher said, "Those who cause serious traffic accidents to escape are forbidden to drive for life."

A girl in the back raised her hand and said, "Then I will never get married?" Everyone laughed their heads off. ...

4。 Coffin manufacturer

On his deathbed, Grandpa called his young and ignorant grandson to the bed and said with his last breath, "Son, this world ... is so good to be an official!" " The little grandson is an obedient child, and he firmly remembers grandpa's words before his death. Many years later, he finally became the best coffin manufacturer in the village.

5。 express

A woman came to a man's house to play, and the woman teased the man and said, if you have a piece of land, I will marry you. Then the doorbell rang, and the courier brother said, sir, there is a courier for you!

6. Look at the chicken.

Once upon a time, there was a landlord who loved chickens very much. The tenant rented his land, but it was not enough to pay the rent. He must give him a chicken first.

A tenant named Zhang San went to pay the rent to the landlord at the end of the year and rented it out the next year. When he went, he put a chicken in a bag, paid the rent and told the landlord about the lease for next year. Seeing that his hands were empty, he opened his eyes and said to the sky, "There are no three kinds of fields." Zhang Sanming understood the meaning of this sentence and immediately took the chicken out of the bag.

As soon as the landlord saw the chicken, he immediately changed his tune and said, "If you don't give it to Zhang San, who will you give it to?" Zhang San said, "Your words have changed so fast!"

The landlord replied, "That sentence was nonsense (chicken talk) just now, and now this sentence is" play it by ear (chicken talk) "

7. This is the ear

The new magistrate is from Shandong. Because he wanted to hang his son, he said to the master, "Go and buy me two bamboo poles."

I heard that the bamboo pole with Shandong accent was "pig liver", so I quickly agreed, ran to the butcher's shop and said to the shopkeeper, "Master Xinxian wants to buy two pig livers, so be smart!"

The shopkeeper is a clever man. He immediately cut off two pieces of pig liver and gave a pair of pig ears.

Out of the butcher's shop, the master thought, "My master told me to buy pig liver, and this pig ear is of course mine ..." So he wrapped the hunting ear, stuffed it into his pocket, returned to the county government, and reported to the magistrate: "Report back to Grandpa, the pig liver has been bought!"

The magistrate was very angry when he saw that the master had bought pig liver, and said, "Where are your ears!" " Hearing this, the master turned pale with fear and quickly replied, "Ear … Ear … here … in my … pocket!" " " "

8, there is a "machine" to take advantage of

A commodity salesman went to Guangzhou on business. After arriving in Beijing, he wants to go by plane. Afraid that the manager would not agree to the reimbursement, he sent a telegram to the manager: "There is an opportunity, do you want to seize it?" When the manager received the telegram, he thought it was an "opportunity" to conclude the transaction and immediately called back: "Take it if you can."

When the salesman came back from a business trip to reimburse the travel expenses, the manager refused to reimburse the air ticket expenses on the grounds that he was not qualified and would not be reimbursed by plane. The salesman took out the manager's call back and the manager was dumbfounded.

9. Place names

On New Year's Eve, my brother took two overseas Chinese students home for dinner. One is cheerful and the other is more formal. At dinner. The cheerful classmate smiled and pointed to the stiff classmate and said to us, "He is from Myanmar, so he is shy." Then raise your glass to toast everyone, raise your head and drink it off, and then say, "I'm from Yangon."

10, the headmaster is angry.

At the school affairs meeting at the end of the semester, the headmaster was furious at the inefficiency of personnel management. He said: "the person in charge of the director's business is not sensible; The consciousness of personnel management is not strong; Don't be an official! "

1 1, rural conference

At a meeting in the village, the village head said, "Rabbit and shrimp, don't burn melons, pickles are too expensive." Comrades and villagers, don't talk. Let's have a meeting now. The host said, "Sausage and melon for pickles." (Now, please speak to the township head. The township head said, "Rabbits, shrimps and dogs ate today's meal. Everyone is chinemys reevesii." Comrades and villagers, we have enough food today. Let's all use big bowls.

Make a mountain out of a molehill-make a mountain out of a molehill-wear gloves in June-sun protection in rainy days-fake love; The sun is shining, tailors fight-really dry the foot-binding cloth to make an umbrella-hang electric lights on the locust tree in one step-famous insects from all directions get into walnuts-pretend to be good monks to dig holes in the wall-and plant wonderful shit pots on their heads.

Wrapping a scarf in winter (typing a word)-A: The picture of a man drilling money into his cell (typing a word)-A: A prisoner really counts out twelve pieces in his mouth to type a word-A: Thunder burns without a head, and the green grass is printed with words (typing a word)-A: Speaking in the fluorescent door, but keeping it (typing a word)-