Urgent need (Olympic stand-up comedy lines) ~ ~

Welcome the Olympics and be civilized.

A and b: (bow 90 degrees)

A: (asks B with a smile) Have you had soup?

B: Soup?

Well, this is a greeting from our hometown before dinner.

Oh, yes, I see it.

A: What soup would you like to drink?

B: Rice soup.

How can you drink rice soup?

Can't I drink rice soup?

A: Of course not, but drink mung bean soup.

B: Why?

A: Green.

B: Ah! Is drinking mung bean soup green?

A: That's right. The Olympic Games is coming. Aren't Beijingers going to hold a green Olympics?

B: That's right.

Therefore, drink more mung bean soup to achieve the goal of a green Olympics.

B: Is it so green? Don't care about civilized behavior?

A: Of course. Having said that, we have to mention that China people have the same uncivilized behavior.

B: Why, are uncivilized behaviors similar to * *?

A: Of course.

Is it about littering?

A: This is uncivilized behavior, but that's not what I mean.

B: What's that?

You know, in China,

B: (thumbs up) Hmm!

This is a great,

B: (thumbs up) Hmm!

Attendant: It has a long history.

B: (thumbs up) Hmm!

A: Ancient civilization!

B: (thumbs up) Hmm!

A: It's also one.

B: (thumbs up) Hmm!

A: A big spitting country.

B: (thumbs up) Hmm! Hmm? what did you say ? /Excuse me?

A: (turning to face B) You know, on the streets of Malaysia, there is a sign in Chinese that says: No spitting.

Yes, I've heard of it, too. I feel blushing. Who threw up?

A: I didn't throw up anyway.

B: Can we go?

You threw up.

I don't know where Malaysia is!

A: That's what some China people who went to Malaysia spit out. Not only foreigners are unlucky, but China people are even more unlucky.

B: (asking quickly) Did you step on it?

Oh, yes.

B: What's the matter? Tell me quickly.

A: (Adjusts her clothes) It was a long time ago this morning.

B: Well, I'm sure you didn't learn Chinese well.

I'm walking happily. An uncle walked past me, tall and handsome, striding forward. Unexpectedly, when he came up to me, uncle's mouth was filled with the sound of a "cannonball", and then there was a loud bang. The "shell" flew out of the "gun chamber" and fell to the ground, and I stepped on it. Oh, it's so dirty

B: it's so uncivilized! I hope the students won't encounter such unlucky things again in the future.

Do you know that?/You know what? There is a virus called "kill him" in sputum, which mainly infects through our respiratory tract. Once you are infected, make sure that you are "G O" (say that you have fallen to the ground).

B: "go"?

The game is over.

B: Cough. Then why don't you go to the morgue?

A: (Jumping from the ground) Because I am in good health.

B: Good health and strong disease resistance.

A: Then I have to ask you, what should I do if I have phlegm now?

You should spit on the paper and then throw it into the dustbin.

What if I have gum?

B: That's the same. Wrap it in paper and throw it in the dustbin, or your feet will (refer to your own feet).

A: (patting B's head happily) You learn manners so quickly!

Gee, I can't lift my feet.

B: Gum must have stuck to your feet.

A: Why is there gum here?

B: (getting ready to run) That, that seems to be me. I threw up as soon as I got on stage.

A: (Angry) You are an uncivilized person. You really humiliated the people of China. Wait!

(End, B takes the stage curtain call)

(Add more expressions! ~)

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Olympic dream

A: I always feel very tired recently.

B: What's the matter?

I watched the Athens Olympic Games.

B: It's almost half a month, and you're still not well.

I watch it every day. These seventeen days, I stayed up for seventeen nights.

B: That's enough.

A: No way. I am a sports fan. I'm fascinated by this ... women's volleyball final. Can I not watch it?

Yes, that game was so exciting. We lost two games first, and then turned the tables. The deciding game was won by 15 to 12.

A: Huh? I didn't pay much attention.

So what did you notice?

A: Russia has a number 1 1! All right!

Oh, you're an expert. Russia 1 1 played well and spiked hard. ...

A: I didn't pay much attention to how she spiked. ...

What did you notice?

A: 1 1No. Janova, those legs! A pair of jade legs.

B: Is that all you see?

I am a sports fan. Did you watch the diving competition?

B: Yes! How well Hu Jia's young man acted. ...

A: ... who is it? Hu Jia? I didn't pay much attention. ...

Who did you notice?

A: Guo Jingjing!

B: Guo Jingjing is really amazing! The movements are also elegant, especially when entering the water, and the spray presses people. ...

A: I didn't pay much attention to how to get into the water and how to splash it. ...

B: What did you notice again?

Look at her nose ... the bridge of her nose, especially her eyebrows. They don't have tattoos! It grows in heaven!

B: You looked at it carefully.

I am a sports fan. Did you see the shooting?

B: Yes. Veteran Wang Yifu is really unambiguous. ...

A: Did Wang Yifu participate this time?

B: Huh? ! I won the gold medal again.

Oh, I didn't notice. ...

Who did you notice again?

Li Du! The little girl's mouth looks ... great! Especially how sweet a smile is. ...

Do you also pay attention to smiling?

A: I am a sports fan!

B: I am talking about sports fans. Have you ever seen the horizontal bar and the parallel bars?

A: I'm not interested in horizontal bars and parallel bars. I am interested in uneven bars.

B: Just watch the women's events with him! Did you watch the women's weightlifting?

A: I don't watch that!

B: Why?

I don't like lifting weights!

What do you like best?

A: Women's beach volleyball …

B: Why?

A: Wear less!

B: Huh? !

A: Very neat. The movements are vigorous and the lines are graceful. I passed this Olympic Games, and I found that there are really beautiful women like clouds this time. Luo Xuejuan in the women's 200m breaststroke, Huang Shanshan in the women's trampoline, Khorkina, the queen of gymnastics, Isinbayeva, the beauty of the women's pole vault … How beautiful they are … I love them all! I am a sports fan. ...

Is this a sports fan? Isn't this a big color fan? !

What do you mean by lust?

B: Why only look at women?

Look at that man? I don't like watching it! You let me watch the men's football, so don't worry me to death!

B: You can watch whatever you like.

A: I have strengthened my confidence and courage by watching the Olympic Games this time. Now that you have a goal, you must act!

What are you doing?

A: Why? Anyway, no cross talk! I suffer from this! Dear audience, today is my farewell performance! I want to join the sports world! I want to be a coach!

B: Do you want to be a coach?

A: It's good to be a coach.

How?

A: I found that the present is different from the past.

B: What's the difference?

A: Before athletes won medals, they all came to shake hands with the coach, right?

B: I used to be.

A: It has changed now! Not a hug! How wonderful ... I will be a coach ... I will take a group of female disciples ... I will let them all win medals, one by one. ...

Why are you just thinking about this?

Let's celebrate the victory.

Oh, you're dead.

A: Why?

B: The coaches are all athletes! You want to be a coach before you become an athlete! A: So ... I'll be an athlete first.

B: He is an athlete again.

Well, I want to be an athlete, I can also participate in the Olympic Games, and I can also win the gold medal! Then I'll stop on the podium! Wow! How spectacular! Thousands of spectators around cheered for me and I waved to them! "I love you! I love you! " (imitation)

He only knows one English word.

A: The awarding guests came over, followed by the etiquette lady, carrying a tray with shiny gold medals on it. I shook hands with him first, then bowed my head. He hung the gold medal around my neck, and the gold medal was mine!

B: (sarcastically) That's true!

A: Yes, the gold medal! Is that ... is that ... pure gold? (Bite) How much K is this? (Look at the color)

Well, let's try gold!

A: Great! Not as big as it is now. I haven't even worn a waist tag around my neck, let alone a gold medal.

B: Huh? There are people hanging waist tags around their necks!

A: Although I haven't worn it, I have touched it.

B: have you touched it? !

A: I am very accurate in touching cards! This is 50 thousand dollars ... catch five winners!

B: Mahjong!

I see! To wear a gold medal, you must be an athlete!

B: Oh, just for the gold medal?

A: it's not just a gold medal!

B: Anything else?

A: There are bonuses!

B: Prizes. ...

I haven't read the newspaper. A gold medal country will win 200 thousand!

Oh, that's it?

A: Not only the country, but also the provinces and cities should give money to buy cars and houses! This time, Tianjin gave 500,000 gold medal winners each!

B: Wow! Where else?

A: Where else? How much! Do you know that there is a Henry Fok in Hong Kong?

I know.

A: He said that whoever wins the gold medal in each Olympic Games will be given a gold medal weighing 1 kg, plus $80,000!

B: I found it quite clearly!

A: one kilogram of gold medal. Do you know how many?

B: Huh?

Two kilos! 500 grams a catty, two catties is one kilogram! Now the market price of a gram of gold is about 140, multiplied by 1000, which is 100 ... 140 thousand! We still need 80 thousand yuan! Well, one dollar is 8.27 yuan. Eighty thousand times eight point two seven, ah, seven eight six six, six, two eight one nine, plus five, and then eight eight nine. ...

Forget it. how much is it?

A: ... there are many anyway!

B: I said that when people compete for gold medals, they all want to win glory for their country. You lost all your money!

A: Well, not only will the country reward me, but when I win the championship, those big companies will come to me to advertise!

B: Really? Who are they?

Does Coca-Cola have to come?

B: Such a big company will definitely come.

A: And McDonald's. Coming?

B: Chain stores must come here.

A: Anta sneakers, do you have to come?

B: Sporting goods are more suitable for you.

A: And that ... Rongchang Anal Thai, has this come?

B: Well, I haven't won the gold medal yet. This hemorrhoid won first!

A: This advertising fee will be very large! I am rich. I buy a house and a car. I am looking for Xiaomi. I ...

B: Please wake up first.

A: I didn't fall asleep.

You talk in your sleep! You have to be a champion to become an athlete?

A: It's hard to say, athlete. I want it right away!

B: Are you qualified to be an athlete?

A: What are the conditions?

B: First of all, you have a good physique.

A: I have a good physique!

B: Is there any good way?

Well, how can I say that? Anyway … I can eat fifty steamed buns for this meal! B: Ah, steamed bread? !

A: (proudly) A meatball!

B: Idiot! What do you say?

B: You have to exercise!

Oh, you have to exercise?

How fresh!

Sure, where can I practice? I practice! What do you mean, let's practice? You row (pull)! Well, are you fighting here? Practice what, see what you like.

What events do you like?

B: Alas.

A: More, more!

B: What do you have?

What kind of person are you ... football, basketball, table tennis, tennis, baseball, badminton, pole vault, boxing, diving, taekwondo, equestrian fencing, discus throwing, weightlifting, swimming, kayaking, ...

B: OK, Taliban!

A: I like all these projects.

B: you can't just like it. Can you practice so many projects?

A: I have made up my mind!

B: Oh.

A: Make up your mind! I want to scientifically allocate exercise time! I practice track and field on Monday and lift weights on Tuesday! I practice gymnastics on Wednesday! I practice high jump on Thursday. ...

I am counting again. I can't forget that begging!

A: Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I'm not idle all day!

Oh, no rest on weekends?

A: Rest? The gold medals are all lying there, waiting for me to get them. I'm still resting?

B: You think the gold medal is steamed stuffed bun! You reach for it!

A: I can take it if I want. Didn't go to Athens this time!

What if you go?

A: How many gold medals are there?

B: A * * * 285 yuan.

A: If I go, it will be 285 yuan, and I can get back at least 284 yuan!

Hey, why did you keep one? Get it all back!

A: No, I want to leave a piece for the Greek people to show my friendship to the host. B: How thoughtful!

A: It's a pity that I missed the Athens Olympic Games, but I'm looking forward to going to Beijing when I still have a chance! B: You won't get all the gold medals by then, will you?

A: No! This is how I arranged it. All the participating countries have one piece, and the rest belongs to me. We can't be called bullies! We're not leaving!

B: Wow!

Do you want it? Want me to give you a piece.

B: I don't want it! Well, consider yourself the president of the Olympic Committee!

Oh, yes Many people say I look like the president of the Olympic Committee. What was my name again? What's it called? Luoren ... Luoguo!

Luo Guo? ! His name is Rogge!

A: Yes! Rogge! They all say I look like Rogge.

B: I don't think you look like Rogge!

What do I look like?

You look like a burp to me! Don't let steamed stuffed bun confuse you!

A: What's the matter?

B: You can't practice so many events by yourself.

A: Can't you practice? B: I can't practice. A: Then I'll practice less? B: Well, you can find one you like and practice it first. A: Favorite? B: Alas. What's your favorite project? A: Favorite? ..... it's ... synchronized swimming! B: synchronized swimming? Oh, how beautiful. Little girls, let's stand there on stage, pose first, then jump into the water, with our feet up, our heads up, this pose and our hearts up. How beautiful! Oh, yes, I'll practice this, how about it! B: Practice this? A: Huh? B: Then you have to have an operation first! A: Why? B: This is a women's event! A: Oh, men can't practice? B: how fresh is it? A: Then I'll change it! What should I change? A: I change, change rhythmic gymnastics! B: Huh? ! A: Well, let's have a drill, a ball drill, and these ... I have a foundation! B: You can't help it! I can't practice! A: What's the matter? B: It's also a women's event. Oh, is this also a woman? B: That's right! A: Then ... I'll change it! Change men! What should I change? Oh, yes, there is a Liu Xiang this time, you know! B: Yes, the champion of 1 10 hurdles tied the world record and achieved the breakthrough of zero in China men's Olympic track and field. A: Well, I heard that he has the most bonus, so I'll practice this! B: Oh, they practice this, and you practice this? A: What's the matter? Can you run faster than others? Well, tell me the truth. Don't flatter me. Is there any hope that I can surpass him? B: I don't think there is much hope. A: It's over, it's over, let's leave him alone! Let him keep practicing, and I'll switch to something else! B: Then what do you practice? A: I changed it to 100 meter! How's it going? I'm going to win the championship, and the bonus is even higher than him! B: When you practice 100 meters, your thighs are muscular and explosive. You still practice 100 meter? /kloc-how about 0/00 meter? Then I'll practice two hundred! B: Two hundred yuan is not enough for you. I suggest you add another fifty. Then I will listen to you ... then I will practice 250! B: well, it fits! A: It fits, doesn't it? Then I will be 250! I practice! B: You are suitable, but it's a pity that there is no such event in the Olympic Games! A: You see, I finally found the right one, but he didn't! B: Many 250 people are worried about this! A: Well, it doesn't matter what you practice. First, you have to name a champion! B: Why? A: Listen, Tong Youwei, how vulgar! Has anyone named Tong Youwei won an Olympic gold medal in the past? Not exactly. A: If you want to win the championship, you have to change your name to champion. B: What's that name? A: Before the Olympic Games, there was a diving queen named Gao Min, right? B: Yes. Well, I'll do what she did! B: What should I exchange it for? Her name is Gao Min. B: Ah. I want to pass her ... My name is ... Allergy! B: That's a pimple! A: How about that? Not so good! A: It doesn't matter if it's not so good. Let's change it! B: What else should I change? A: Table tennis is our national game, so I'll change it to the name of the national player! There is a man named Wang Nan, do you know? Yes, Olympic champion. A: Oh, by the way, I won the gold medal in the future, even better than her! B: What's your name? Bull ... Niu Nan! That's good. Braised pork is suitable! A: How about this change? Not so good! A: It doesn't matter if it's not so good. Let's keep changing. B: Don't change it! No matter how you change it, you can't change it If you want to be a champion and win a gold medal, you must work hard! Well, I'm going to start doing it! (to the audience) Goodbye, friends! I am going to the training ground soon! I will put myself into training with the spirit of not being afraid of hardship and fatigue! I will work hard to realize my Olympic dream with tenacious will and unyielding belief. Friends, please believe me. Four years later, on the stage of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, I will stand on the highest podium again and again, wearing a gold medal on my chest, holding flowers in my hand, and my ears echoing with applause and cheers. Tears filled my eyes. Watching the bright five-star red flag rising in the stadium again and again, and listening to the passionate March of volunteers on the sports field, I was filled with emotion! Play again and again, we want foreigners to know that we are no longer the sick man of East Asia! We are China athletes in the new era! We want to show the world the elegance of our motherland! Realize the great rejuvenation of our Chinese nation! I seem to have seen that exciting moment! I can't wait! I will realize my dream! B: Great. A: But ... But? A: To say the least, if I miss the gold medal, I will strive for the silver medal! B: Then take ten thousand steps back. A: What happened to the silver medal? The silver medal is also given to150,000! B: Still thinking about money! A: Take another 10,000 steps. If I can't keep the silver medal, I will definitely take the bronze medal! B: then take 20 thousand steps back! A: I will take another 10,000 steps. B: Return it? A: Even if I don't have a bronze medal, I will definitely win a place and let my name go down in the history of the Olympic Games! B: Wow! ..... Well, I said, what if you get nothing? A: If I get nothing ... I'm not afraid! B: Huh? A: ... I continue to talk about cross talk! Still talking in my sleep!