Who can tell jokes! Make me happy in the morning!

1. Boss: Sell socks! Three dollars a pair!

Me: cheaper, ten dollars for three pairs!

Boss: I paid more than that. I can't sell it ...

2. I went to buy mutton kebabs once.

Hold out four fingers and say "three kebabs" to the boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager's surname is Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say:&; Quot Premier Zhou ...&; quot

4: Cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" " "

I remember when I was in high school, I met a close friend and bought a big cake outside the school gate. You know, when I was in high school, I was often hungry because I used too much brain. I immediately ran up and punched him, and then I bit him into a big cake. And I swear it's not enough. I didn't take me to buy a cake when I bought it, but I didn't swallow a bite. I looked up and found myself mistaken for someone else. This is also a fact. ! !

I remember that when I ran back to the school gate and looked back, the man was still standing in front of the stall, holding a pie with a missing mouth. Sometimes you can't help beating yourself up when you think about it! ! ! !

6. Buy popsicles. 1.5 yuan. To the boss 10 yuan. Boss, change, 8.5 yuan. Then throw 8.5 yuan into the trash can. Wrong idea, throw the popsicle into the trash can. I left my sorbet paper in my hand ... It's cold.

Finally, I rummaged through the trash can there myself ~

7: One day, eating in a rice noodle shop was slow and hungry. Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table!

The result is:&; Quot boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! & ampquot

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

One day, my cousin and I went to catch a bus and finally got one, but there were so many people on the bus that the front door couldn't squeeze in. We had to swipe our cards at the front door and get on the bus from the back door, but there were too many people on the bus to squeeze in the back door.

So, the driver's eldest brother discussed with us:&; Quot I'll start the car first, drive slowly, and you follow the car. &; Quot My cousin and I both wondered: What is the solution? But there is no other way but to run after the car. Seeing that the car was about ten meters away, all the passengers in the car couldn't hold their bodies and fell to the front of the car. At this time, the driver's eldest brother proudly called us:&; Quot Go, go ...&; quot

9: My name is Zhu, and I am in the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

10: When the company made a toast, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Holding your breath, there was nothing to say.

1 1: My parents quarreled, and my father said angrily, "I'll go out!"

12: Playing basketball in high school. After A got the ball, I selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball, A shouted to pass it to him, but B threw it himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now. ...

Full laughter

13: When we were in college, we asked a buddy what happened to Manchester United. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost and Beckham took two yellow plates!" "

14: In my impression, the monitor of the primary school is extremely serious. A self-study class, the classroom was crowded with people. After several times of maintaining order, the monitor was finally fed up. He stood up, patted the table and shouted, whoever makes any more noise will break his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

15: I just went to college for military training. The company commander didn't know where the accent came from and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

16: When I was a sophomore, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. He has a strong accent. His son is attached to the Department of Architecture of Tsinghua, which is also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He is very proud of his son and always tells us about his son. Every time he said, "My mother (son) is a frog (Tsinghua) university toad (building).

If moths jump on frogs and toads, won't they become snacks? ...

17. When repairing the computer, you spit into the main chassis, and the computer pops up to find new hardware ~

18. A man was riding a bicycle at a gallop when he suddenly heard someone singing gogogo and thought, Damn it, I want it, too. I was tired and fell into the ditch with a bang. Then the person next to me said, *, I tell you I'm still riding.

19: A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

20: Drink with leaders and others, raise your glass and say loudly:&; Quot let's mutually assured destruction! & ampquot My brain was too hot. ......

2 1: Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

The manager usually says to smokers at the meeting: All smokers are strangled! !

24. A brother went to the toilet and ended up in the ladies' room by mistake. When I went in, I found there was no urinal. It doesn't feel right Fortunately, there is no one in the ladies' room. He walked out casually. When I opened the door, I met a mm who came in. Face to face with him, red face and low head, went to the men's room to drill.

25. When I was in high school, a buddy in my class was born in 198 1, and he was very old. ......

Here's what happened when he took the bus:

In sophomore year, this guy went to school by bus. Because of the long journey, when he was bored, a 35-year-old man next door asked him to chat. The man opened his mouth and said, "Brother, where are you going?"

This guy may have been treated like this many times, and he is not very surprised. His answer was quite calm: "Three Middle Schools". The man's second sentence: "Oh, went to see the children?" It's hard for children to go to school ... "

The buddy's face twitched and he didn't say a word.

The third sentence: "Big Brother, how old is your child?" That buddy was really annoyed and didn't explain, so he slipped a sentence: "Senior One"

At this time, the classic appeared. The man stared at his buddy in surprise for ten seconds, and then said, "Brother, you got married very late!" " "

26. I caught the bus in the morning, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! "

At this time, a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."

27. When I was in college, I skipped a horrible group dance, which required violent actions such as squatting quickly and lifting my legs high. Everyone can't practice for a few days. They are all green, and some leg muscles are still strained. I was seriously injured.

In the afternoon, I went to class. On the third floor, I couldn't lift a leg at all, so I went up hard and simply sent that leg up. Walking, I heard a girl at the back say to her boyfriend, "Schools in big cities are more formal. In our hometown, people with polio can't go to school at all. "

I feel dizzy ...

28. On the bus, I heard someone calling the radio station for a song, and a man called in and said:&; Quot as a foreigner, I can't buy a ticket to go home now, so I have to spend the New Year in Beijing. I want to order a song. & ampquot

The host asked & who do you want to order songs for? & ampquot

I thought there was no need to ask, it must be my parents and distant relatives, but he replied:&; Quot I want to order a song "You Are Tough" by Jordan chan and give it to all the staff and all the ticket sellers at Beijing Railway Station! & ampquot

29. A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1), Zhang Haidi's sister is paralyzed;

2) Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3) Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4) Sister Zhang Haidi studies acupuncture.

The correct answer should be:&; Quot Although Zhang Haidi's sister was paralyzed, she studied tenaciously, not only learning many foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

Another fierce child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied doggedly and eventually became paralyzed.

30. I was really proud of my visit to the countryside yesterday!

The two of us were watching the crops grow on the way in the field that day, and we saw a group of foreigners gesticulating around a local farmer from a distance. Out of curiosity, I quietly walked not far behind them to hear what they said.

Those foreigners (probably Americans), while turning over a pamphlet similar to an English-Chinese dictionary, read in very nonstandard Chinese: I, how did I get there, the periphery. .....

I think, oh, I think I'm asking for directions. I wonder what our peasant brothers will say when they see foreigners.

The peasant brothers looked blank. I thought to myself, alas, eldest brother's comprehension ability is too low.

When foreigners see that he doesn't understand, they are even more anxious: we, me, everyone, go, go, want. .....

The farmer's brother still looks blank. ...

Foreigners are more anxious and start stamping their feet and sweating. ...

At this time, this 50-year-old farmer said something to this group of dancing Americans, which made me feel that I gained the most from going to the countryside this time: Can you speak English?

3 1. I had a drink with some friends one night, and several people drank too much. One of them fell asleep on the side of the road, so we couldn't lift him, so we discussed finding something to cover him so as not to catch cold. When I saw him a few days later, he said that he woke up the next day and found three bicycles on him.

32. Ge You went to the toilet on the way to dinner, and his pants were wet when he came back. Friend: Why are his pants wet? Ge You: Often! My friend is puzzled, Ge You: It is often the person next to me who urinates and suddenly turns around and shouts: Shit! Isn't this Ge You? !