Requesting excerpts from "Yilin", "Youth Digest", etc.

Starting to sow love at the age of 4

Text | Mi Meng

When I was a child, the next male classmate of mine grew up and got a husband.

This is no joke. It's true.

What I like most is when people ask me: "How did you and your husband meet?" At this time, I slow down my speech and pretend to be low-key and say: "We are classmates in kindergarten."

The opponent's eyes double in size.

I then broke the news: "We are all classmates in elementary school and junior high school."

The other person's eyes dilated twice as big.

"Actually, we are colleagues now, and we are in the same office."

The other person's eyes finally came out of the window.

4 years old

We live in the same alley and go to the same kindergarten. We played house during recess. I played the role of the queen, a popular boy in the class played the role of the emperor, and classmate Luo played the role of the palace maid. His biggest responsibility is to follow me with small steps to view the "Imperial Garden" - everyone stares intoxicated at the rockery at the entrance of the kindergarten toilet.

One day after having a full meal and having nothing to do, I reminisced about this past incident. I told classmate Luo that if I had known that we were now a couple, I should have been like the man in "The Time Traveler's Wife" Protagonist, if you go back in time, I will at least promote you to be a guard with a sword in front of the emperor. I will tease and tease you whenever I have nothing to do! By the way, what would you do if I really teased you at that time?

Student Luo said without thinking: I will cry.

He doesn’t even understand the unspoken rules, but Luo is indeed a principled Virgo, upright.

8 years old

In the second grade of elementary school, Luo fell down and fell into a puddle. He received 14 stitches on his forehead. As the class monitor, I organized several class committees to be very humane. We went to his home to see his injuries with concern, and spent a long time watching the crooked wounds. When we left, he was lying on the hospital bed and watched us go out affectionately.

"Were you particularly touched at that time?" I asked.

"No! Our family finally bought a whole box of egg rolls, and you guys ate it in one go. I was depressed about this for a few days." Luo is still worried about this.

I even boldly guessed that he claimed to have been secretly in love with me for 11 years, chased me for 7 years, and went through all kinds of troubles to be with me. In fact, he wanted to avenge the "Egg Roll scandal", right?

9 years old

In the third grade of elementary school, classmate Luo and I were on duty together. Anyone who has watched Naoko Takagi's "150cm Life" knows that we hobbits are most afraid of wiping the blackboard because we are short and can never reach the upper body of the blackboard. But classmate Luo actually confidently asked me to step on the bench to wipe it, and said: "I'm not tall either."

He is not tall, but he is still awesome.

The problem is that after three years of high school, he jumped from 165cm to 180cm. How come it is as easy for people to grow taller as to expand an article.

I am 152cm, he is 180cm, and our love spans 28cm. 28cm, even the fastest snail in the world, Liu Xiang of the snail world, needs a full minute to climb. Because of the huge difference in height, I often suspect that we live in different atmospheres. Every day, he looks down at me, and probably the place he is most familiar with is the top of my head. While my besties were declaring that they were "enough with short boyfriends," his height seemed like a sad waste to me.

Student Luo didn’t take it seriously and said: Anyone shorter than me is short, so it makes no difference to me whether you are 152cm or 172cm.

I have always wanted to say, should he see an ophthalmologist?

12 years old

In the first grade of junior high school, I went to the carport to pick up my car after school one day. I finally found my car among a group of cars, took the key to open it, and walked around for a long time. The lock seems to be broken and cannot be opened. I was so anxious that I called the uncle from the school security office to help pick the lock. I was almost successful, but suddenly there was a girl next to me, speaking slyly and saying to me: "Classmate, this is my car."

I wanted to run underground.

It happened that classmate Luo was also picking up the car at this time, as if watching a show, laughing so hard that he was out of breath. One month later, when classmate Luo saw me, he said, "Classmate, this is my car."

In front of him, the chances of being embarrassed skyrocketed. Even if we get together later, we can't escape this curse. After I just moved to a new house, I came home from work and rang the doorbell. He opened the door and saw that it was me. He blamed me and said, "Why are you hiding? I looked through the peephole for a long time, but no one was there."

"I'm not hiding. I've been here all the time." The conscience of heaven and earth is obviously because I am much shorter than the peephole, so of course he can't see it.

13 years old

In the second grade of junior high school, after a summer vacation of more than 50 days, I watched Japanese dramas on Phoenix TV Chinese Channel from morning to night every day and ate snacks fiercely - God rewards hard work, I Finally grew into a fat man.

"Did you think I was fat at that time?" Questions like this are said to have occupied the top three most frequently asked questions by women for a long time.

Student Luo said very sincerely: "No, you have never been fat since you were a child!"

"What about me now? I have become extremely fat recently. I originally thought it was summer It’s about thermal expansion and contraction!” I kept asking for more details.

Student Luo continued to express his loyalty: "You are not fat! Really! I have never thought you were fat!"

I was so touched...I was a little confused! Telling lies with your eyes open is a long-lost virtue of mankind! Thanks to CCTV, thanks to my company, and thanks to classmate Luo, for allowing me to jump further and further down the road of self-deception.

At this time, in order to strengthen the authenticity of what he said, Luo made a historic and objective addition: You are not fat, you are just short.

14 years old

In the third grade of junior high school, Luo has established a good reputation as a "miser" in the class. We went to his home to report on the drawing board, but he didn’t allow us to wash our hands because it would waste a few cents on his water bill; the teacher invited us to eat rice noodles, and he wiped his used sanitary chopsticks with toilet paper and put them in his schoolbag to take home. Recycling; he resold me a set of zodiac stamps that originally cost 2 yuan for a whopping price of 5 yuan. The point is, I later found out that this set of stamps was fake.

When he was in college, he went to the Statistics Department of Renmin University of China. This department is not only very suitable for misers, but it is also very important and practical. Every time Shenzhen Maoye Department Store holds activities such as buying 220 and getting 200 free, I It was all because he was dizzy after buying so much that he needed to take action in person.

Our leader asked Mr. Luo: Who is in charge of money in your family?

Student Luo said proudly: Me.

The leader expressed his approval: Look, who said that boys in Sichuan are all "harbing their ears" (strict wife control)! Come, tell me how you manage money, and teach everyone your experience!

Classmate Luo explained: It’s like this. When I get paid every month, I will transfer the money to my wife’s account. She can withdraw as much as she wants to spend and I will be responsible for paying it. Water, electricity and property management expenses...

The leader immediately changed his face: What do you mean by managing money? You are just a cashier.

18 years old

During the winter vacation of my freshman year, I went to Beijing to visit, and classmate Luo was responsible for the reception. I was shocked when I heard him switch from Sichuan to Mandarin for the first time. Tongue curling and back nasality are his two major weaknesses. This is how he pronounces the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl: Liu Lang nourishes Lu.

As for "Shan Lana", a difficult word that requires rapid switching between tongue curling, front nasal sound, and back nasal sound, he directly gave up the right to speak.

Sometimes this barrier directly affects the communication between us. I told classmate Luo that I knew people from Jiucheng and could help him get some toys from the World of Warcraft game. Classmate Luo thought for a long time and said: "Well, okay, help me get some dead toys!"

"Sissi? What dead sibling? Is it a dead body?" I was a little confused.

"No. It's selfishness!" Classmate Luo corrected.

I continued to be confused, frowning, and sighing.

Classmate Luo couldn't stand it anymore: "You are really stupid! It's so stupid to die, so private to sing! It's so private! Understand it!!!"

Oh, He's talking about Epic Toys. The Chinese language test is not that difficult.

22 years old

At a class reunion during the summer vacation of my senior year, we were chatting about the school beauty who looked like Lin Xilei in junior high school. I said, wow, she is so beautiful. Then ask the boys for their opinions. I forced Classmate Luo to question her for a long time, and finally managed to comment in a few words: Is she good-looking? I don't think so. I thought to myself: How picky, to make him feel beautiful, he must be a monster.

The truth is revealed, I am the monster himself. In the beauty rankings in Luo's mind, Nanako Matsushima, Jennifer Aniston, Zhao Yazhi, and Miho Nakayama ranked 2, 3, 4, and 5 respectively, and the first place was me.

Of course, as long as most people who have seen my photos and real people heard this conclusion, they all sighed at his huge deviation in aesthetics, and a small number of others directly felt an uncontrollable desire to beat him. impulse.

Every time he was questioned, Luo would confidently question: My wife is the prettiest. The whole world knows.

It is easy to be blind once, but the difficult thing is to be blind every time.

25 years old

"I know the world is changing very fast, but whenever I feel upset in the real world, as long as I calm down and think about you, I will be very happy. Calm. Maybe we won't be able to meet each other for a few years, but I still like you. Sometimes I think of the article about moths flying into the flame in "Southern Weekend", and I feel like I am writing about myself, and I have a very cold feeling. A momentary decision or a long-term persistence? I don't know, I would rather choose to continue dreaming." After seeing this sentence in his email to me, I will no longer be a normal person if I don't agree to be with him.

I am 9 months and 10 days older than him, which is exactly the time from conception to delivery. He said that this was because he was reincarnated after determining where I was born. So, we managed to be born in the same small city and still live close enough. He made a long-term plan and decided that we would be together for eternity. As for whether we will both become gay in the next life, he doesn't mind at all.

After more than ten years of orthodox materialist education, I actually believe in fate and reincarnation. This story tells us that our country’s education system is extremely failed.

26 years old

We bought a so-called "luxury house" in Shenzhen. Luo's family paid a down payment of 200,000, and we paid the monthly payment together. The real estate certificate only has my name on it. The busybodies who were ready to eradicate violence and uphold justice asked him one after another, if there is a shortcoming in your relationship, wouldn't this house be yours?

In this regard, classmate Luo has a famous saying: My favorite woman is gone, why do I still need a house?

Recently, classmate Luo and I are planning how to save a sum of money for our son to buy a house when he gets married in the future. If we don’t save, it will be too late—my son is already half a year old!

Of course, before this, I must write down a note on my family training: Never study statistics. Highlight the key points with a red pen.

Otherwise, if a money-lover like Duan Duan studied statistics and became a lover, wouldn't he have gained my future (although it will take a long time) daughter-in-law in vain?

31 years old

We have two major entertainment projects. First, using the son who looks like a baby version of Lu Zhishen as a toy. Second, imagine how you would spend it after winning 100 million in lottery tickets.

Tianya netizens said that masturbation strengthens the body and sexual intercourse strengthens the country. We often engage in obscenity very patriotically. Now that you have already won 100 million, how about a monthly salary of 3,000 or 5,000 for a nanny who is well-developed in moral, intellectual, physical, artistic and technical skills? Should I take a private jet to Tokyo for dinner and eat Kobe beef, or go to the Beverly Hills Hotel in California to eat African lion meatballs? When you buy an island and have a celebration party, do you have to cut the ribbon? These questions are killing us.

When our lust has already circled the earth for several weeks and rushed out of the Milky Way and reached the top of the universe, I rationally raised an extremely realistic question. First, we must move to Chengdu and buy a big villa in Qingcheng Mountain!

Student Luo’s first reaction was:

You can’t leave Shenzhen!

Why? I don't understand.

Luo said firmly: Our baby’s child insurance (children’s medical insurance) is in Shenzhen!

At this time, it suddenly dawned on me: It turns out that the miser I was when I was a child has not changed and is still there.

——Excerpted from "Youth Digest"