What are the funny sentences between husband and wife?

1. A man came home late on a business trip. The careful wife was afraid that her husband couldn't find what he needed when he got home, so

What are the funny sentences between husband and wife?

1. A man came home late on a business trip. The careful wife was afraid that her husband couldn't find what he needed when he got home, so she wrote a note on the table before going to bed: "Dear, the beer is on the third floor of the refrigerator, the roast chicken is in the microwave oven, and I am in bed".

2. Bride: "Everyone complains about the bad surname, and only the bride becomes Mrs. Chen (old)!" Groom: "alas! If I married Mr. Yang, wouldn't I become Mrs. Yang as soon as I got married? Forever foreign wife. "

3. A man held back for a long time and said to his wife: Want a cigarette. The wife turned to the kitchen, took out a knife and said, I am very satisfied with you. Let's take off our pants.

The husband likes to brag about himself, but the wife is impatient. One day, when her husband boasted to people that he was a martial arts champion, his wife swept his legs from behind and let him spread his limbs. The husband stood up with a carp and said, "This is my coach."

The wife found that her husband was unfaithful to her, so she tried to make her husband jealous. "What would you think if I said I slept with your best friend?" The wife asked. "Well," thought the husband, "I would think you must be of the same sex."

6. The husband reprimanded: "Where are the vegetables you cooked? Waxy yellow. "

The wife immediately replied, "You come home so late every day. Of course, you don't know that they used to' stay young' on my spatula."

7. A couple was fishing by the river, and the lady kept nagging, and then the fish took the bait.

The lady said, "This fish is really poor."

The husband said, "Yes, just keep your mouth shut."

8, colleagues, wife is very strict, 350 pocket money in January. . .

Once he accompanied his wife back to her mother's house, and she was happy and gave her 300 yuan. This buddy spent a day and returned it to his wife in the evening, saying, "There is too much money, and it is scary to put it on me."

9. Go to bed at night, and my wife goes to bed earlier. Suddenly, she gave a loud snore and woke herself up! ! ! Without saying anything, he stood up and slapped me, saying, "Uncle, what do you want me to do at night?" . . .

10, only study marriage law, not inheritance law, such a lawyer is no good.

Lawyer: You get nothing from divorce!

A Tea: What about widowhood?

1 1, "Son, why are you kneeling?"

"I wet the bed, and you?"

"It turned out to be your boy. The money hidden under your bed was found by your mother when she washed the sheets!"

12, wife: "You fucking talk back to me!"

I am silent, my wife: "Can you say something!" " "

Me: "Are you going to find fault with me again?"

13, "Husband, everyone else has brand-name bags, but I don't. Can't you buy a brand-name bag for the woman you love? "

"It's no problem to buy a bag. The problem is that I haven't found the woman I love yet."

14, joking with my wife: I really think it's cute that you don't tease B.

As a result, she replied: I took the goddess route, not the lovely route.

15, quarreling with her husband, looking for a girlfriend to discuss how to punish her husband.

Girlfriend: "Don't let him touch you for a month."

Me: ". . . "

Is it a best friend? Whose idea is this to punish?

16, wife is twins. One day, I went home and hugged my wife and kissed her. Suddenly she cried, "brother-in-law. Where did you say my sister went? "

"I went to buy food."

I told you to hurry, she won't be back for half an hour.

She glared: "Divorce!"

17, wife: "Dear, do you love me?"

Husband: "Love!"

Wife: "You say that because you are afraid of hurting me!" " "

Husband: "Little fool, you think too much. I say this because I am afraid that you will hurt me. "

Wife: "Really? It seems that the washboard is still effective! "

18, "Happy birthday, husband, this is your birthday present. I especially like this bag, but it's too expensive. It's your salary for one month. It was too impulsive when I bought it. " My wife said guiltily.

I patted my wife and said, "I won't blame you for your kindness, but why is it a woman?"

19, I accompanied my wife to buy clothes today. My wife let me in and zipped her back when she tried on clothes.

I said how embarrassing this sensitive period was, and then I finished and went out. My wife came in from the back and you went out in a few seconds. . .

I was confused in an instant. .

20. Turn off the lights and sleep at night. I felt that a mosquito husband got up and killed him when he just lay down, so I said, ignore it, and no one can cry for a while. . .

Funny sentences between husband and wife

1. I came home from the night shift in the morning and found a thousand dollars at the bedside. I asked my wife what was going on! Brother Wang next door gave it to me.

My wife saw that my face was wrong and said, "I'm kidding you." How can he give so much by himself! " "

2. Seeing my husband playing ipad, I rubbed up to him and asked, "Husband, what am I to you?"

"Oh, you are my ipad!"

"So you can hold me in your hand, right?"

"No ..."

"What's that?"

"The front flat back plate is ..."

Husband and wife work in the same company, on the 20th floor. One day they quarreled.

The wife was furious: "Get out! ! "

When the husband saw it, he was frightened and prepared to slam the door and leave.

As a result, a cold voice came from behind: "Who told you to get out of the door?"

4. Wife: Honey, I have connected the water. Go and wash!

Husband: Wait a minute, when I finish playing this game.

Wife: No, the water won't be hot for a while. Good boy!

My husband reluctantly withdrew from the competition and ... washed the dishes.

After eight and a half months of pregnancy, the baby always arches around in his stomach.

A small bulge appears on my stomach from time to time. My husband was very excited when he saw it and said, "OK, let's play whack-a-mole!"

6. Wife: Honey, last time I saw that brand of clothes, it came out with a new style. I haven't bought much clothes recently. I only bought a few sets a week, and they are not enough to wear. People say that clothes make the man, and I look good. Take it out and you'll have face.

Husband: Get to the point!

Wife: 3000.

7. Talk: The more couples talk, the less weight they have.

8. Work: In the eyes of her husband, there will never be a job at home; In the eyes of his wife, there will always be endless work at home.

9. Husband: "I can't sleep."

Wife: "I can't sleep either."

Husband: "One sheep, two sheep, three sheep ..."

Wife: "One mink coat, two mink coats, three mink coats ..."

10. The husband smokes, but the wife is allergic to cigarettes.

My husband can't smoke at home. He usually goes for a walk. If he wants to smoke, let his wife go first, and then chase after smoking.

One night, the couple went for a walk again. After a while, the husband said, "Wife, I want to smoke."

The wife uncharacteristically said, "No."

The husband paused and asked, "Why?"

The wife proudly said, "Because I found a rule that whenever you want to smoke, there are beautiful women in front."

1 1. My wife thought I betrayed her and said to me, "Bastard, I didn't expect you to be such a person."

I quickly explained, "there must be a mistake. How can I be both an animal and a human being? "

12. My wife suddenly said to me: Honey, I don't want to live with you …

I didn't say anything, just silently shed tears. My wife panicked and said, what's wrong? I'm just kidding you!

Me: No, happiness came too suddenly. ...

Stop it, I'll kneel for a while ~

13. Husband's animal year! I bought him three pairs of red underwear, and then I explained that I was born in 2008 and I had to buy red underwear.

As a result, the goods came with a sentence, "I wish I could lend you mine!" " "

Nima .

14. One day, my wife bought online at home. I stepped aside, turned my chair around and said to her, wife, I want to grow old with you!

My wife was very moved after hearing this, and said to me: Husband, I also want to grow old with you.

I quickly said: wife, I won't buy more than two thousand dollars of anti-aging essence!

15. Ghost movies were shown on TV, and my wife asked me: Are you afraid of ghosts?

I said, I'm not afraid.

My wife asked me: Why?

I said, I'm not afraid of your makeup removal. What a ghost!

16. I went to pick up my wife from work yesterday. I ride a motorcycle. Seeing my wife standing there from a distance and many other female colleagues, I wanted to float over and pose handsomely.

As a result, a dog accidentally fell and ate shit. . .

I got up and shouted, wife, I'm coming!

Who knows, the goods came with a puzzled face: "You. . . Who are you? ! ! "

17. My wife eats two meals a day and asks her why. She replied, "save money to buy beautiful clothes."

I asked again, "Why buy beautiful clothes?"

The answer of other people's wives must be "I'll show you", while my second-rate wife's answer is: "I'll show you."

18. The husband said to his wife with emotion: "For so many years, no one in our family can replace you!"

The wife asked angrily, "To tell the truth, how many people have you found to replace me for so many years?"

19. My wife and I quarreled over a little thing again. She wouldn't listen to anything I said and shouted at me, "You're talking nonsense!"

Hearing this, I flew into a rage: "No wonder we always quarrel, you always make such unreasonable and demanding demands!" " "

At a large party, the wife said to her husband, "I didn't expect you to be so humorous in front of strangers!" " "

Husband: "Of course, if you don't have acquaintances around you, there may still be romance!" " "

Complete works of husband and wife paragraphs

Complete works of husband and wife paragraphs

1. China is not monogamous, but monogamous. No room, no wife, more rooms, more wives. I never understood why my wife was called a big room and two rooms, and now I really understand that the ancients didn't cheat me.

2. At night, my wife came out with a bath towel after taking a shower, and my husband secretly stared at her. My wife said angrily, what are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a beautiful woman take a bath? The husband looked at his wife as a whole and said, I think it's a beautiful woman who got out of prison! ?

Wife: Honey, if your mother and I both fall into the river, who will you save first? Husband: at the same time, save. Wife: How do you save it? Husband: Holding mom and carrying you. Wife angry: no! Dave: What was that? Wife: If you really love me, you have to hold me and carry your mother. Dave: But, but, honey, I can only breaststroke.

4. The wife came home from work, without saying anything, picked up her husband's arm and took a bite. The husband was badly bitten. Looking at the deep tooth marks on his arm, he shouted, Why did you bite me? The wife picked up her husband's arm, carefully looked at the tooth marks on it and said, I didn't mean to bite you. Just now, my colleague at work said that my teeth were uneven, so I bit the tooth marks on your arm to see.

5. Wife: Honey, when did you first find yourself in love with me? Husband: When people call you stupid and ugly and I start to go crazy.

6. A bunch of women are chatting with a man. The man said: I told my wife that my wife has the final say at home and I have the final say outside. A woman said: No wonder your wife always said on the phone that she would come back to discuss something!

7. Husband: Will you do the dishes later? Wife: OK. Husband: Then why don't you move? Wife: I have a headache. Husband: I'm so lazy that you don't have a headache if I don't let you wash the dishes. Wife: Really! The thought of washing dishes gives me a headache.

8. My husband is much taller than me and always likes to hug my shoulder when going out. When I was shopping that day, I said, stop hugging your shoulders and hug your waist. Unexpectedly, my husband looked around and said awkwardly that there were so many people in the street. Do you want me to walk with my back bent?

9. My wife complained to me: When we were in love, you picked me up from work every day, took me to the movies, told me to sleep at night, and talked sweetly all day. Now, hum, you are too lazy to talk to me. While watching TV, I said, This has something to do with my work. I am in sales. When I fall in love, it's like selling products. It's after-sales service time, which is not my responsibility.

10. Wife: I wonder what fashion will be popular this spring. Husband: There are only two kinds, one is what you don't like, and the other is what you like and I can't afford.

Complete works of husband and wife paragraphs

1. Every time a wife quarrels with her husband, she has to go to the toilet for half a day. This kind of situation is more, the husband has to ask his wife: What are you doing in the toilet? It seems quite Japanese? The wife said: brush the toilet! My husband asked, can I get rid of gas by brushing the toilet? The wife said: I don't know, anyway, every time I use your toothbrush.

2. Run away from home with her husband. One day I called him and said, honey, I bought two cucumbers, which are very fresh and must be delicious. At that time, the market was very noisy. I couldn't hear him, so I turned on the speaker. I heard my husband say, don't buy it if you are with me. People will doubt my function. Dear, I turned on the speakerphone at that time, and the uncle who sold vegetables smiled wretched!

I remember a few years ago, my father and I watched the World Cup and NBA together. Dad proudly said: who will marry my daughter in the future and how happy it is to have a wife to watch the football match with me. Now, when I sit alone in front of the TV watching the European Cup in the middle of the night, I am beside my sleeping husband. I just want to tell my dad in tears: Dad, I looked for my husband, and he didn't watch the ball and refused to accompany me.

One day, Xiao Wang was watching TV with his wife. There is a report on TV: According to the survey, there is hope for men to have an extramarital affair-Xiao Wang quickly explained to his wife: I am another one! As soon as the voice fell, the TV continued to report: The other one hopes to have a lot of extramarital affairs!

The husband scolded his wife and said, did you do this? Waxy! Waxy! Also called vegetables? No, chlorophyll is still a little. Who told you to come home so late every day? Of course, I didn't know they were young on my spatula.

6. The wife works in the customer complaint department of a department store. After quarreling with her husband one day, in order to make up, her husband was also complaining from customers. When it was his turn, he whispered in his wife's ear and took her out for dinner in the evening as an apology. When his wife heard this, she immediately smiled and kissed him. After the husband left, the man behind came forward and said, my complaint is the same as his.

7. Wife: How kind you were to me before you got married. If you run into a puddle while walking, carry me there. Now, you don't do this. I think you love me only half as much as before. Husband: What can I do? At that time, your weight was only half that of today!

An employee of the insurance company is teaching his wife to drive. When the car went downhill, the brakes suddenly failed. Oh, my God, the car can't stop. His wife shouted, what should I do? Pray. He instructed his wife to talk, and then found something cheap to smash!

9. I bought a bottle of gray nail polish today, and it feels good to wear. I just want to show it to my husband. Husband actually said: painting onychomycosis, one infects two!

10. Wife: Honey, I had a dream yesterday. I dreamed that you swept the floor, cooked, washed dishes, washed clothes and did a lot of housework today! Dear, will my dream come true? Husband: Wife, I also had a dream yesterday. I dreamed that when I was doing housework, you said to me: honey, you rest, let me do it! Dear, will my dream come true?

Complete works of husband and wife paragraphs

1. Wake up your wife: Listen, would you like to go for a walk with me?

2. A daughter: My husband and I have been married for seven years, and he has always treated me the same as on the wedding day. Woman B: I heard you two quarreling last night! A woman: Yes! My husband and I quarreled the day we got married.

The husband made his wife angry again, and the wife nagged: In this world, it is you that I love and hate! The husband immediately smiled: no, I just ranked third. The wife is confused: ranked third? Who else? The husband said, there is a mirror and weighing scale.

Your wife hurt herself. If someone in this world loves your wife more than you do, you are not far from trouble.

In order to investigate its listening rate, the radio station decided to call 1000 men on Sunday night. What are you listening to now? Because everyone will ask. Listen to my wife's nagging. Of the 1000 men, 934 answered this question.

6. Wife: You always talked in your sleep last night. Do you know that?/You know what? Husband: I don't know. what did i say? Wife: You seem to be scolding me. Husband: Maybe, because I am too busy during the day to take time to scold you.

7. An American friend and his Chinese wife Qin Se get along well and often joke about it. One day, the husband complained to the guests that mosquitoes at home only bit him, which shows that even mosquitoes bully foreigners in China. His wife chimed in: Because mosquitoes in China like to eat western food.

8. Wife: Help me see if I broke my palm. Dave: Don't look, you must have it! Wife: What do you mean? Husband: Otherwise, how could my life be ruined by you?

9. A couple went to the photo studio to take wedding photos. The woman wanted to take a theme wedding photo and asked about the price. The staff said how much is this and how much is that. The man listened impatiently: Why is it so expensive? Staff: The main reason is that clothes are expensive. Then give us an Adam and Eve series.

10. Husband: Did you receive the letter I wrote to you from Shanghai the other day? Wife: I got the letter, but I dare not read it. Husband: Why? Wife: because you still write on the back of the envelope that there are photos inside, don't open it!

1 1. Handsome guy is unhappy all day after marrying an ugly wife! Ugly wife: Honey, why are you so cold to me these days? ! Handsome boy: It's because your father is a director! Ugly wife: But he died a month ago. Handsome guy: That's why I'm depressed!

Love words between husband and wife

1. Loving you is the most painful song in my life, but missing you is the most beautiful insistence tonight. Even though time has weathered my memory, I will still sing a song about our life without regrets.

2. Love is a jam bottle, let us become children and enjoy its sweetness happily, as if we are never tired of it; Love is a plum blossom, which makes us greedy bears. We want to refuse and welcome the sweet and sour taste!

Put that oath gently on your finger. From now on, the two of us will have a lifetime. Looking at your beautiful face carefully tonight will be the only name in my future arms.

When the last maple leaf falls from the tree, it is also the moment when my heart flies to your chest to find the warmth and happiness in my heart! Suddenly, this winter with you is not too cold.

5. Winter has restored the blank in my mind; Rainy season, dripping the sadness I am waiting for; The cold wind stung my acacia bones; Only you can restore all this and give it back to me sincerely. So I miss you.

6. Being alone in the cold window at night, the autumn wind is also sad; When I see you again, it is out of reach; When the wind stops and the autumn night stays awake, who will pity you in your sleep? Qiu Lai left the flowers and leaves, but you are still in my heart!

7. Turn a blind eye to you, love you early, miss you for a long time, and secretly love you.

8. Red flowers and white gauze shy cheeks, say a willing answer in a shallow smile, and take your hand in my arms to cross the ends of the earth and walk into a warm place called home.

9. Spend a night in the moonlight and stick love on a kite; The stars who spend ten nights twist their thoughts into kite lines; On Qixi night, I will turn my full expectation into a gust of wind, fly to you with a kite of love, and make you happy tonight!

10. There are two lights in the window of memory, which are your affectionate eyes; Your talking eyes say to me: the night of missing is about to pass, please welcome the dawn of gathering. Looking forward to meeting your beloved!

1 1. Blue sky, bright sunshine and warm spring breeze surround me, but without you, everything is so tasteless to me. I miss you. How are you now?

12. The train glided quietly on the tracks. Snow is sleeping in the wilderness, and there is a dream on the pillow. Your face is behind me. The sun is shining, the fantasy is falling with the Sophora japonica, and your moving lips quietly reveal Fang Fei to me at night like roses!

13. Walking along the park path, there are countless girls, and the sky is dark, rendering a little lonely. Bargaining is one after another, and the secret situation has been set. At midnight, the rooster crows like falling smoke. Just left the front customer and came back to replace him!

14. The rosy sunshine shines all over the world, and romance lasts forever; Sprinkle happiness on your body, and the fragrance will last forever; Sprinkle warmth in the palm of your hand and care for it forever; Valentine's Day belongs only to you and me, soul mate!

15. Your eyebrows are willow machetes that kill me, your lips drain my wallet, your charm fascinates me, your love makes me have nowhere to run, and endless love will always hold us. I miss you every day, and I love you in my heart!

16. Your figure always comes to my mind; Your smiling face always surrounds me in my sleep; No matter in dreams or in reality, you are the deepest reliance in my heart. Who else can I love besides you?

17. You shine into my world like sunshine, and my life is wonderful because of you! Dear you, please accompany me to the seas run dry and the rocks crumble, ok?

18. Would you like to give me a support? It will remind me of you in the troubles and noise of the world of mortals, and I will have sweet calm and endless motivation, and I will have enough courage to move on.

19. You are a happy bird, flying carefree in my heart. I really hope that you will always sing a cheerful song and stay with me. From then on, you and I will no longer be lonely, and we will be the stars that embellish our lives, forever!

20. You are a part of my life, and no one can come into my life except you!

2 1. Let me stay with you and cherish it in this life. With your care and encouragement, I will turn into a butterfly. I wish you good luck, feel your thoughtfulness silently and want to meet you in the next life.

22. If I can, I'd rather be a child and stand in front of you empty-handed and expect your pity. If I can, I'd rather be a beggar and walk by your door. I long for your love to fill my empty bowl!

23. If you are not beautiful, if you are not smart, if your legs are short and your waist is thick, even if you are like a cow, it doesn't matter, because in the eyes of lovers, you will be beautiful!

24. If you were the sun, I would like to be the earth, and I can go around you every day. If I am the moon, if I think you can go around me every day, how about being a star?

25. It is never the distant mountains that make people tired, but a speck of dust in their shoes. What makes me happy is never getting the whole world, but getting your love. So give me the passbook, dear.

26. The world is half the world, half good and half evil; Half light, half dark; Half day and midnight; You will always be my other half.

27. It's you who let me appreciate the taste of missing; It is you who let me enjoy the intoxication of love. Your every move always makes my heart rise and fall. I am afraid that time will fly, and I won't have more time to love you. So, will you marry me?

28. I love you. Thank you for giving me happiness. I love you to the old age and the barren land.

29. My home is so big that there is no problem for dozens of people to eat and live together. But my heart is too small to hold you alone.

30. I will leave you the best place in my heart. As long as you knock at the door, I will hold you in my arms. Because I love you, I am willing to build a platform for you in this world and watch love forever with you.

3 1. The most romantic thing I can think of is to grow old with you until we are too old to go anywhere, and you still regard me as a treasure in your hand.

32. I work hard for your happiness!

33. I am the wind chime in front of your window, which has messed up my life's troubles; I am a pawn in your hand, which has affected the early feelings; No regrets, as long as I can rely on you, I am willing to be good or bad.

I would like to be a star in the sky, giving you eternal light and waiting for you forever.

I only like to eat your cooking all my life.

36. How much love can be repeated and how many people are willing to wait? I will know how to cherish our mutual love, firm love, brave love and lifelong love.