quick jokes

Watching for nothing

The old fan watched the game on TV, and the old woman was busy in the kitchen; after the game, the old woman

put her head in and asked: "In "How many goals?" "Zero to zero, it's a tie."

The woman in white

One day, a taxi driver felt that he had been working all day. I was very tired, so I wanted to drive home. It was midnight at that time.

He just happened to be passing by the No. 2 Funeral Home in Beishi City again. He felt uncomfortable in his heart and thought: "Oh, I feel weird. I need to leave here and go home." At this time, a woman in white suddenly appeared on the roadside and asked him to stop. When the driver was hesitating whether to stop, the car stalled just in front of the woman.

The driver felt very strange, how could this happen?

At this time, the woman got on the bus silently~~~"I want to go to Songshan Airport~~~" the woman spoke.

The driver felt even more hairy, but now the car could start again.

"Oh~~Okay, Songshan Airport, right!?" the driver said in a trembling voice.

"..."

As the car drove on, the driver glanced at the woman in the rearview mirror and felt that the woman's face was bloodless

, his face was pale, and he felt as if he had arrived.

In order to stop himself from thinking wildly, the driver took out an apple and gnawed it to eliminate his inner uneasiness.

At this time, the woman in the back seat spoke: "I loved eating apples the most when I was alive~~~" As soon as the driver heard this, he took a bite of the apple and his mouth opened wide. , even the hair stood up!

The woman continued: "But I don't like eating after giving birth~" Where to go

Fifty percent

A patient asked the doctor anxiously: What is the survival rate after surgery for this disease?

The doctor replied: Fifty percent!

The patient asked nervously: Are you sure?

The doctor said confidently: No problem, it will be successful this time!

Because forty-nine people have died before!

Department Store

A department store salesman chattered endlessly to a housewife and introduced the advantages of all the products one by one.

The housewife had no reaction at all. Finally, the member asked: After talking for a long time, what is missing in the house?

, the housewife said directly: money.

Half-crazy

A: "Old man, why do you pour other people's wheat into your own sack?"

B: "Because I am half-crazy. Who are you? Person A: "Since you are half crazy, why don't you pour your wheat into other people's sacks?" Person B: "Then I will become a complete madman!" ”

Baseball Player

A baseball player was walking on the road when he suddenly saw a kitten teetering on a tree.

He hurried to pick up the kitten. The cat caught it and threw it in the direction of first base.

Baby

There was a mother taking her little baby out on the bus, coaxing her baby.

A passenger turned his head over to take a look out of curiosity and said, wow! What an ugly baby!

Mom felt so sad after hearing this? She just kept crying and crying. Later, the car stopped at a certain stop, and some new passengers got on. A kind-hearted passenger saw her crying so sadly, so he comforted her and said: Madam, why are you crying so sadly? You have to look at everything with an open mind, and there will be no solution.

It’s a matter of fact! ! alright! alright! ! Don't cry anymore! !

Let me get you a glass of cold water! ! Just relax! ! After a while, the passenger actually poured a glass of water for her and said: Okay! ! Stop crying! ! Drink this glass of water and you will feel better

. Also, this banana is for your monkey! !

Reward

"Nature always rewards people. For example: if a person is blind in one eye, his vision in the other eye will be lost.

Will become stronger; if a person is deaf in one ear, his other ear will become smarter."

"I think. You do have a point, when one leg of a person is shorter than the other, the other leg

is always longer."

Revenge

In other words, A pair of naked statues have stood face to face in the park for decades...

One day, Cupid, the god of love, descended from the sky and came to the two of them and said:

"I think it must be It must be very frustrating for you two to look at each other every day but not be able to do anything...Okay, today I will let you become humans and do what you want to do, but it only lasts fifteen minutes! ”

After saying that, the two statues turned into humans. The two people immediately jumped into the grass...The grass pile made a sighing sound

Susu's voice...

After ten minutes, the two people jumped out of the grass...

Cupid said to them: "Oh, there are still five minutes left, hurry up and enjoy it again"

After that, the two looked at each other, smiled, and jumped into the grass again...

I vaguely heard the female statue saying to the male statue:

"... ...I will hold this pigeon down and you will poop on its head..."

Report

Xiaogua has always been interested in studying biology. Once he cut off two of a flea's legs, and then said to the flea: Jump! Jump!

As a result, fleas still jump.

He cut off two more fleas and said to the fleas: Jump! Jump!

The fleas still jump.

Then he cut off two more feet, and then said to the flea: Jump! Jump!

At this point the flea can no longer jump.

So he wrote down his experience: "The flea becomes deaf after cutting off its six legs."

Wrong hug

Lao Chen: "Last night was really unlucky."

Lao Li: "What happened?"

Lao Chen: "I went home early last night. In the past, I would always Hugging my maid in the dark, who would have guessed that it was my wife who I hugged last night?”

Lao Li: “That’s okay!”

Old Chen: "But my wife said ~ Xiao Feng, Old Chen is coming back soon, why don't you leave quickly!"

Complaining

There was a dispute at the registration office of the nursing home The sound turned out to be the registrar and two old men arguing.

One of the old men pointed to the old man next to him and said to the registrar: "He can enter the nursing home

, why can't I?"

The registrar said: "According to regulations, nursing homes generally only accept elderly people who have no children. Of course he can enter if he has no children. If you have a son, it may not be appropriate to enter."< /p>

The old man became even more angry when he heard this. He pointed at the old man next to him and shouted: "Yes, I have

a son! But he is my son!"

p>

Hilarious police recording!

Hello! ! Hello, this is the ** branch.

, I am Police Officer Chen, I am at home now, not in the branch, because we are on strike, so what you are hearing now is a phone recording! After hearing the utterance, press 1 to report a crime, press 2 to curse, press 3 to chat, and press 4 to report a lie. If you get the wrong number, please hang up and dial again. Thanks! ! so! ! It depends on what kind of situation you need!

!

Tragedy

After someone committed suicide, he left the following record:

"I married a widow who had an adult daughter.

My father fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her - thus becoming my son-in-law

and my stepdaughter became my mother, Because she is my father’s wife.”

“My wife gave birth to a son. Of course, he is my father’s brother-in-law and also my uncle, because he is. My stepmother's son."

"My father's wife also gave birth to a son. Of course, that son is my brother and also my grandson, because he is me. ”

“Therefore, my wife is my maternal grandmother, because she is my mother’s mother—I am

my wife’s husband and also my wife’s husband. Her grandson - and because a person's grandmother's husband is his

grandfather - so I am my own grandfather!"

Get out if you can't carry it

>

When I went home during the holidays, my classmates saw me off. A boy helped me carry my luggage. Although there were rollers under the luggage, the luggage was heavy and big.

I saw this boy struggling to carry his luggage, so I said to him: "If you can't carry it, get out!"

After hearing this, the boy put down his luggage angrily and looked at Looking at me, I was stunned and quickly explained to him:

"I mean the wheel!"

The ignored customer

Lao Wang was sitting in the restaurant After waiting for a long time, I saw other guests eating with gusto, but he still had no waiter

to greet him, so he stood up and asked the boss: "I'm sorry, please - am I sitting in the audience?"

p>

Instinctive answer

When people are drunk, some will have sex while others will tell the truth...

Mr. He is sleeping After drinking a little bit of wine before, I felt dizzy, so I went to bed and slept until midnight.

Mr. He suddenly got up and quickly put on his shirt. Pants. "Why are you getting up and getting dressed in the middle of the night? Where are you going?"

Mrs. He asked inexplicably. "I want to go home quickly," Mr. He replied instinctively.