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Funny quotations from teachers and students, haha, laughing to death

1, difference

In biology class, the teacher asked: What's the difference between frogs and toads?

Zhang San replied: Frogs are conservatives, sitting in the well and watching the sky; Toad is an innovator and wants to eat swan meat.

Step 2 share the pain

The teacher asked the students: how to explain "sharing pain with others will halve the pain?"

Xiao Lun replied, "If my father hits me, I will hit his cat."

Step 3 show up

The teacher assigned a question: Please sum up your appearance in four words. After the test paper is collected, the students' answers are divided into several types:

The critics' answers are: occasionally yes, terrible, I hate heaven, I want the afterlife, and so on.

The realistic answer is amphibians, orangutans, apes piracy, atavism and so on.

Modernists include: be original, ask my wife, etc.

And the only surreal answer is-it turned out to be people.

4. The headmaster is blacker

Freshmen are reviewed by the principal when they enter military training.

"Hello, classmate!"

"Hello, headmaster!"

"Students have worked hard!"

"Serve the people!"

"The students are tanned!"

Freshmen were suddenly speechless and didn't know how to answer. After a moment of silence, a boy loudly replied, "The headmaster is darker!" " "

5. Sentence conversion

Teacher: "Please turn the sentence" The horse has run away "into a question."

Little Ivan: "Can a horse run?"

Teacher: "Correct! Very good! Now turn it into an imperative sentence. "

Little Ivan: "Drive!"

6. Untitled

My roommate is nearsighted, often occupying the first row of seats, suffering from the splashing of foam in the mouth of the senior math teacher, which is irresistible. One day, she said to me: the high math teacher bowed his head and lectured, and the first row of tables were all wet; When the math teacher looked up to lecture, the second row of tables were all wet. I fainted on the spot.

7. Political prisoners

Teacher Zhang, the head teacher, walked into the classroom angrily and said sharply, "You call me Zhang from China, so I will bear it;" Why did the new political teacher call her a political prisoner (Fan)? "

8, dormitory don't solution

Xiao Lei took a high school classmate who came to see him to visit the university dormitory. He pointed to the dormitory group on the left side of the road and said, "This is the girls' dormitory area, called Vega Department." He pointed to the dormitory group on the right side of the road and said, "That's the boys' dormitory area, called the Cowherd Galaxy." He pointed to the road under his feet and said, "This road is called Yinhe Road."

At this time, the female cadre in charge of the student dormitory walked by with a straight face. Xiao Lei said calmly, "This is the Queen Mother."

9. Wall clock

There is a classroom in the university and there is something wrong with the wall clock. As long as something knocks, it will knock faster and faster, and it takes 5 minutes to knock once.

One day, when the professor was in class, he found that when he was writing on the blackboard, all the students threw a wall clock with an eraser, but the professor kept quiet and still rang the bell. Before long, the final exam arrived and everyone was immersed in it. I saw the professor practicing losing the clock with the blackboard eraser.

10, change the world

The geography teacher asked Li Anni: Why didn't you finish drawing the world map?

Li Anni bowed his head and replied cautiously, I'm afraid my map will change the world.

13, hard to beat

A professor said to a precocious boy, "When is your birthday?"

A: "April 8"

The professor said, "What year?"

A: "Every year."

14, insurance measures

As soon as the chemistry experiment was handed out, the students all scrambled to read the teacher's comments. I only heard A pick up B and read, "When concentrated sulfuric acid drips on the skin, you should first dry it with a cloth, then rinse it with plenty of water, then dry it with a cloth, then spray some perfume and apply a layer of corn oil skin cream."

The teacher instructed, "Do you want a sauna or a massage?"

15, take notes

In order to take CET-4, everyone is desperately trying to learn English, and some notes have to be taken in other professional classes.

One day, the history teacher was surprised to find that the audience had been busy all their lives, so he stepped down from the podium and went to see him quietly.

The students were busy for a while and felt that the atmosphere was wrong. He suddenly looked up and saw the teacher smiling and saying to him, "Do you think you can take notes in English faster than in Chinese?"

16, three products

After the exam, three students filed a lawsuit to complain.

A said, "I didn't do well in the Chinese class, and the teacher said I was a loser."

B said, "I can't keep up with physical education class. The teacher said I was a defective product. "

C said, "I failed the political class and the teacher said I was dangerous."

17, wonderful solution

In a Chinese class, the teacher explained four idioms to the students: "panic", "don't know what to say", "rest assured" and "as always".

As it happens, a student is asleep. As soon as the professor struck the table, the students immediately sat up, picked up the book and began to read. The teacher said, "This is panic." Then, the teacher asked him to answer the question, and he stood up and faltered for a long time. Then the teacher said, "I don't know this." Please sit down! " "The classmate took a deep breath and sat down. The teacher added: "This is a relief. "The teacher went to the podium and the students fell asleep again. The teacher turned sharply and pointed at him and said, "This is as usual. "

Subject: 18, homework

After class, the teacher said to Ivan, "Let your grandfather come to school." Ivan asked the teacher, "teacher, don't you need to call me dad?"

Teacher: "no, Ivan, just call you grandpa." I want to tell him that his son made some mistakes in your homework. "

19, count to one hundred.

Start class. The teacher stood with his back against the stove and said to the students, "Think twice before you speak, count to at least fifty, and count to one hundred for the important things."

6 1. A boy gave his friend a nickname, called Fat Pig. The girl cried to the teacher, who promised to criticize the boy. The next day, the teacher said in class, "A boy is so rude that he gives others nicknames casually. Can't others just call him what he looks like? "

62. A police dog saw an ordinary dog coming on the road and suddenly ran over to ask it: I am a police dog. What are you? The ordinary dog looked at it dismissively and said, idiot, you see clearly, I am plain clothes!

The seven fairies bathed in the lake, but Bajie couldn't see them in a hurry.

Tang priest solemnly shouted to the lake: benefactor, be careful of crocodiles!

Seven fairies ran ashore naked.

Bajie lamented: the IQ of leaders cannot be surpassed.

Four priests Tang went to travel by plane, and the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.

Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Priest: Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?

Friar Sand: One.

Tang Priest: I'll give you one too.

Bajie is having fun, such a simple question.

Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

....

Bajie jumped down.

Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.

They went on answering questions.

Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Priest: Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?

Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.

Tang Priest: I'll give you one too.

Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?

..... Bajie has to jump again by himself.

The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.

Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.

Then jump.

Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time.

1. One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and roared: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!

2. Boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a clear line: animals cross the line. Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line, and the woman slapped the man hard: you are not even as good as an animal!

3. One day, I met a foreign guest. He said, I'm Hong, and the foreign guest said, I'm Fang Qi!

Zaizai was repaired by his father. He went to his mother to complain: "Mom, what would you do if someone hit your son?" Mom: "I want to avenge his son!" " "Aberdeen:" ... "

An old lady can't read, but she likes listening to the radio. The weather forecast must be heard every day. One day at dinner, I asked my family, "I have a question." Do you know where it is? It rains almost every day there. "

6. A little mouse on the cliff waved its short front paws and jumped down again and again, trying to learn to fly. The mother bat next to her looked at it and said anxiously, Dad, don't tell it, it's not ours!

7. My friends and I went to the top of Mount Tai to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed to the sky and said, "I see it!" " "I saw it too!" At this time, someone in the distance came out with trousers and scolded: "See it when you see it!" " What are you yelling about? "

1. Ghost: God, next time I want to be as white as an angel with wings, but I still want to suck blood.

God: Then reincarnate as a nurse.

2. A friend sold popsicles in the park for the first time, so he was embarrassed to shout. Then suddenly someone shouted "sell popsicles ~ ~ ~ sell popsicles ~ ~". Hearing this, my friend shouted happily, "Me too ~ ~ Me too ~ ~".

Ants and elephants died soon after they got married. While burying the elephant, the ant wept bitterly: "Dear, why did you leave so early?" I will bury you if I don't do anything else in my life! " "

4. A boy secretly loves a girl and dares to ask her what kind of boy she likes.

"Like-minded" girls answered, and even asked several times, it was the same answer.

The boy was very discouraged and said, "Can you have a flat head?" .

One day, I was out of breath to catch the last bus and shouted: Master! Master, wait for me ~

Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me slowly, Wukong, stop chasing.

6. One day I had a physical examination, and one of the questions was to guess the name of a bird by looking at its legs. A student really couldn't understand it, so he tore up the paper in a rage and was ready to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, "What class are you in? What's your name? " A student lifted his trousers and said, "Guess, guess."

7. After the performance of the beautiful Mongolian actress, the leader came to the stage to receive her, and then her hand asked her if she was cold or warm. She refused to let go for a long time and kindly asked, What's your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Maragobi Matsumoto".

8. A man bought a parrot that can only speak two words. One day, when the master was not at home, a ventilator knocked at the door.

Parrot: Who is it?

A: Gas converter.

When toad saw the tortoise, it was taking a bath in the river.

Tortoise: Haven't you seen a beautiful woman like me? Look, your eyes are popping out.

Toad: Sister, don't tease me. Can't you see I have goose bumps?

2. The oriole saw the weasel looking for food and said, "You thief have been sneaking around all day, losing the face of the old Huang family."

As soon as the voice fell, the oriole was shot down, and the weasel scolded, "Silly X, you don't even know how to sweep pornography now!" "

Dragonfly made a girlfriend "cicada". Mother dragonfly asked anxiously, what does she do?

Dragonfly: That's a singer!

Mother Dragonfly: Singer? I've dug tunnels before!

4. An ant quarreled with the crow in the tree!

Ant: Come down if you dare!

Crow: Come up if you have the guts!

Ant: OK! You wait for me, and you will know!

Crow: What do you want?

Ant: I'll let all my brothers shake you down and kill you immediately!

5. Two dung beetles discuss the welfare lottery. A dung beetles: If I win the grand prize, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day!

B dung beetles: You are so vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

6. The male butterfly sings to the female butterfly, "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" " After singing, I flew to pick roses.

Then there was a scream, and Mother Butterfly sang, "Honey, fly slowly, be careful of the thorny rose in front!" " "

7. A pair of ducks went to play by the river and saw the frog couple hibernating in the cave by the river. Drake: Look, how happy I am. Mother duck said to the drake: Don't look, it's the big boss, living in a villa, honeymoon, let's never think about it in this life!

8. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, caught nothing and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but found nothing and went home.

On the third day, the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, and a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

If you dare to use carrots as bait again, I will kill you!

(1) A village head drank too much and went home by mistake in the pigsty. He lay beside the sow and said, Wife: Give me a glass of water, and the sow snorted. The village chief said, if you don't fall, you won't fall, and you won't scatter. Feel casually and say: buy leather clothes, or double-breasted ones.

(2) When the old couple went to take pictures, the photographer asked, "Do you want to measure light, backlight or full light?" Grandpa said shyly, "I don't care." Can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

(3) One day, a barber beat a candied haws seller and went to the police station to ask the barber: Why do you sell candied haws? The barber said, * * *, I was perming my hair in the house, and he shouted "burn it" outside.

(4) A man is constipated when he goes to the toilet. Suddenly, he saw a man rushing in, and suddenly it was stormy. "Dude, I really envy you, so fast." "I envy you, I haven't had time to take off my pants yet!"

(5) When a foreigner was playing in Laiwu, he met an old lady teasing the cat and asked: What are you doing? The old lady replied: ancient cat! Foreigners are frightened, even the old people can speak foreign languages! Give it chocolate, and the old lady thinks it's dried sweet potatoes and says, I have it in Laiwu! Foreigners are dizzy!

(6) The butterfly said to the bee: You are so stingy. You pretend to be full of sweet words, but you won't give me a word. The bee said: Hum! Still talking about me, why didn't you text me with two antennas on your head?

(7) {Peer} dung beetles fell in love with mosquitoes. Dung beetles: "What is your occupation?" Mosquito: "What about you, nurse?" Dung beetles smiled: "Fate, peer, I am a Chinese medicine pinch pill."

Husband: What time is it? Wife: Ten o'clock. Husband: Is it sharp? Wife: It's too early. No one else is sleeping! I mean, ten o'clock sharp? Wife: Eleven o'clock sharp.

(9) The young couple fought and threw pillows downstairs. A beggar happened to pass by and was very happy. Then he flew away from the quilt. The beggar was ecstatic and cried upstairs with tears: Eldest brother, please throw that woman down.

Wife: Do you want to exercise in the evening? Husband: I've been thinking, wife: Then don't say you're tired from work, but you can't fool around at night. Husband: Of course, wife: I washed all my clothes that night.

(1 1) A young woman took out the garbage, accidentally slipped in the garbage and was about to get up. She was held in her arms by an old rag-picker. The old man said with emotion: people in the city just can't live, and such a good daughter-in-law said no.

(12) A big toe suddenly turned green. The doctor diagnosed it as cancer and removed it. A few days later, his second toe turned green. After taking it out, three days later, his soles turned green and he had to be transferred to a big hospital. The final expert consultation diagnosis is: socks fade.

A farmer drove a donkey into the city, and the donkey ran a red light and was fined 10 yuan. The old farmer drank the donkey: "You think you are a military vehicle! Dare to smash the red light. " After a few steps, the donkey knocked down a fruit stall and lost 200 yuan. The old farmer was even more angry: "Do you think you are an industrial and commercial city manager? You can lift whoever you want. " The old farmer led the donkey home and passed a meadow. The donkey chewed the grass and was punished in 30 yuan. The old farmer was very angry and scolded, "Do you think you are an inspection team going to the countryside? You can eat anywhere! " After the old farmer scolded, he led the donkey to the river to drink water, but the donkey was stubborn and refused to drink. The old farmer was angry: "You think you are rich and don't drink without a young lady." The donkey turned and ran, drying a fishing net on the shore, and the donkey broke it. Fishermen claim compensation from 500 yuan. Tears welled up in the old farmer's eyes. "Do you think this is China Telecom? It costs so much money to surf the internet. " The donkey turned and kicked the old farmer. The old farmer scolded 1 helplessly, "Do you think you are a group owner? Kick whoever you want. " The donkey was very angry. He ignored the old farmer and became very silent. The old farmer said, "Do you think this is a QQ group? You can stop talking all day!