Funny classical Chinese essays

1. Funny ancient prose

Speechless, alone in the bar, the lights are numb, the crowd is pouring wine late at night, and I am still vomiting, not to mention the smell of alcohol in my heart 1.__________, The classmate who felt haggard because of Yixiao answered: I will never regret taking off my clothes and belt (the correct interpretation is "I will never regret it when my belt gets wider". I admit that this is a problem with my thinking) 2. Asked him how he got it so clear, __________ classmate answered: In his heart There is a clear spring of its own (the correct interpretation is "only the living water comes from the source", we are still a little bit attached to the water~~~) 3. Why should *** cut the candles from the west window, __________ Student answer: The husband and wife sit together until dawn (Chinese language The teacher laughed and fainted while marking the paper.

Later, when he mentioned this in class, he fainted again! The correct interpretation is "When it rains at night in Bashan") 4. The groundworm shook the big tree, ___________ the student answered: motionless. (The correct answer is "ridiculous but not self-respecting". He is motionless and illustrious, which is very consistent with the fact) 5. The beauty of a gentleman as an adult, __________ student's answer: The villain takes away what others love. Poetry answer for the exam 6. Being poor means being alone, __________ classmate Answer: If you are rich, you will have many wives and concubines (correct answer: If you are rich, you will help the world) 7.__________, who in the world does not know you? Student’s answer: Only one who looks like Saddam 9. Has a colorful phoenix with two wings, __________ Student’s answer: Plucked phoenix It’s not as good as a chicken: the couple returns home together (the correct interpretation is “a clear understanding of the heart”) 10. The sun rises in the east and rains in the west, __________ Student answer: fighting at the end of the bed and getting together at the end of the bed: getting into the wrong sedan chair and marrying the right man 11. __________, bad chaff My wife will not go to bed with me. A classmate will answer: My husband will not go to bed with my hair. 12. I wish you a long life, __________. A classmate will answer: A heart will last forever (I laughed wildly at the time, but now I think it is quite classic.

The correct answer is "Thousands of miles away *** Chan Juan") 13. Egrets fly in front of Xisai Mountain, __________ student answers: Turtle crawling by the river in Dongcun (that's right) 14. I urge God to cheer up , __________ classmate answered: God roared at me three times (the correct interpretation is "referring talents in any way", Gong Zizhen) 15. I am born with talents that will be useful, __________ classmate answered: I show my magical powers at critical moments. Another classmate answered: The son of a mouse can dig holes. (The Chinese teachers in the entire office laughed wildly without any image) 16. If the sky is affectionate, the sky will also grow old, __________ The classmate answered: If you are not romantic, you will waste your youth! (The correct interpretation is "If there is no hatred for the moon, the moon will be round" Li He's "The Golden Bronze Immortal's Song of Han Dynasty") 17. Relatives and friends in Luoyang asked each other, __________ classmate replied: Please don't tell him (the correct interpretation is "A heart of ice is in a jade pot") 18. There is a couplet in the final exam. The first couplet is a hero's sword. The second couplet that a third-year junior high school student paired is: My mother is rich and charming. 19. Good medicine is bitter and good for the disease. __________ The student answered: He is a fool if he doesn't take it. Since ancient times, no one has died. __________ Student’s answer: It’s just that people die in sequence 20. There is bright moonlight in front of the bed, __________ Student’s answer: Li Bai’s sleep is sweet , Flying into the homes of ordinary people. Classmate’s answer: Konka Caiba TV 23. Grape wine luminous cup, __________ Classmate’s answer: Lots of money and beauties 24. __________, Pedestrians on the road want to die, the masterpiece of a first-year junior high school student: Ghost knocking on the door in the middle of the night 25 .There was another test on Tao Yuanming's "I can't bend my waist for five buckets of rice." The classmate answered "Just give me six buckets of rice."... 26. Laowu Lao and the old of the person, __________ The classmate answered: Wife, my wife, and the wife of the person ( When the teacher later graded the paper, he said that the classmate was particularly dedicated, haha) 27. I remember back then, when we were strong and powerful, __________ students answered: Look at today, they are stalking each other (the correct interpretation is "to swallow thousands of miles like a tiger") 28. A fifth-grade student I got "Three Stooges, __________" in one exam. The student replied: The odors are all the same (which made the invigilator and the principal outside laugh). A student in the first grade of junior high school said to the couple, "Climb the city and take in the scenery of the mountains among the white clouds. __________" The classmate answered: I went to the hotel to hug the lady to bed (his Chinese teacher almost vomited blood and died on the spot) 30. If the love lasts for a long time, __________ The classmate answered: It is time for the two to get married. 31. Thousands of sails passed by the side of the sinking boat. __________ Student’s answer: There are many ways to spread a peacock’s tail. 32. You will regret less when you use books. __________ Student’s answer: There is not enough money to spend at the end of the month. 33. If the sky is affectionate, the sky will also grow old. __________ Student’s answer: If people are affectionate, they will die early (the correct answer is “ "If there is no hatred for the moon, the moon will be full") 34. Since ancient times, no one has died. __________ Student answered: Who has pooped without paper (no words.) 35. Once, I was tested on Li Qingzhao's "Like a Dream", "Do you know?" ___________" The student answered: SORRY I, DON'T KNOW.

(The correct interpretation is "It should be green, fat, red and thin") 36. Once, Mr. Lu Xun was tested on a certain sentence: "___________, I splashed Xuanyuan with my blood." The classmate replied: He used his sword blade. 37. Chinese language test, There is a revolutionary poem in the fill-in-the-blank section: "The door for people to enter and exit is locked, _______________, and a voice shouts: _______________ I long for freedom, but how can a human body crawl out of a dog hole..." Student answer: Climb for a dog The hole he came out of is also locked/ Damn, it’s all locked! Holding the hand of the child, one knows that the child is ugly, with tears streaming down the face. If the child does not leave, I will leave. 38. Love is always the same in thousands of mountains and rivers. ___________ The classmate answered: Can I give you one more? (The marking teacher corrected: Love is love. , points are points, even if you give more than one, it won't do.) 39. When I was in the first year of high school, during a monthly exam, the sentence "Looked up to the sky and went out laughing, (correct answer) I am not a Penghao person." Someone in the class wrote: I accidentally twisted my waist.

There is another sentence, the previous sentence: "Clear water brings out hibiscus, (correct answer) nature removes the carvings."

Some people wrote, Lotus roots emerge from the mud; others went even further and wrote: Heroes emerge from troubled times. 40. When I asked you how much sorrow you can have, ___________ the student answered: Just like a pot of Erguotou (the teacher commented, "You drank too much again...").

2. Humorous classical Chinese essays

Shishuoxinyu Taifu Xie gathered in Hanxue to discuss the meaning of literature with his children.

Suddenly it snowed suddenly, and the father-in-law said happily, "What does the white snow look like?" Hu'er, the brother, said, "The difference can be made by spreading salt in the air." The brother and daughter said, "It's not like catkins blowing up due to the wind."

"The public laughed happily. The catkins of spring are used as a metaphor for the white snow of winter... You are an old woman now that you are old. If I had not left you to take care of you, you would have to say no less than two or three sentences about me closing my eyes and taking a nap today.

Anger, those who take a nap are not just me, why should I point it out? What's more, I haven't lost my mind yet, so I am unjustly accused. What can you do? If they are really capable, why are there more than half of the students lying on the desk? There are at least six out of ten people who dislike you. Are you kind? The number can be seen.

I don’t blame you for the past, but what happened today is abominable and makes me angry. Mother, sincerely my mother is not happy.

Meat Stealing A certain person went to the capital to sell meat. He stopped to relieve himself in front of a toilet on the roadside and hung the meat outside. Seeing this, Person B quickly stole the meat.

Before he could go far, A had already walked out of the toilet, grabbed B, and asked B if he saw someone taking his meat from the toilet. Fearing that A would see through, B had already held the meat in his mouth, and said impatiently: "You are such a fool! How could you hang the meat outside the door without losing it? If you were like me, holding the meat in your mouth, how could you The Lost Principle?" - Wei Handan Chun's "Laughing Forest" Name Game Xu Zhicai, King of Xiyang in the Northern Qi Dynasty, was very eloquent, especially good at word games.

Before he was crowned king, he tried to play with Wang Yuanjing, the minister of state. Wang Yuanjing laughed at Xu Zhicai's name and said: "Your name is 'Zhicai', what's the point? In my opinion, it's better to call it 'Wucai'."

After hearing this, Xu Zhicai was displeased. Annoyed, he immediately mocked Wang Yuanjing's surname: "The word '王', with the word '王' added to the left, becomes 'sheep'." "Wang Yuanjing was speechless after hearing this, feeling extremely embarrassed.

Another time, Xu Zhicai entertained guests, and Lu Yuanming was also present. During the dinner, Lu Yuanming teased Xu Zhicai's surname: "The character 'Xu' means Weiruren ("Wei" plus "彳" and "Ru")."

Xu Zhicai immediately mocked Yuanming's surname. Surname - "Lu" (traditional "Lu") character: "The character 'Lu', when An'ah Yinzhen gave birth to a boy, it becomes 'Lu' ()', and when paired with '马' (horse), it becomes 'Donkey' ( Donkey)." Lu Yuanming's words turned red and speechless, and everyone in the audience burst into laughter.

——The old title of Sui Dynasty Hou Bai's "Qi Yan Lu" Bird's Nest and Calf Hou Bai later became an official in the Tang Dynasty, and often guessed riddles with people. Hou Bai first made three chapters of instructions to everyone: "What you guessed The object, firstly, must be a real thing that can be seen; secondly, it cannot be used as a false explanation to confuse everyone; thirdly, if the object cannot be seen after the explanation is completed, you should be punished." Then he first revealed the riddle: "The back is the same as the house. Big, the belly is as big as the pillow (the crossbar on the back of the car), and the mouth is as big as a cup."

Everyone guessed for a long time, but no one guessed it right. They all said, "Where in the world is there a mouth as big as a cup?" But there must be something as big as a house? You have to make a bet with us all." After making the bet, Hou Bai explained: "This is a swallow's nest."

Everyone burst into laughter. Another time, Hou Bai attended a large banquet.

During the dinner, everyone asked him to make a riddle for fun. The things being guessed should neither be weird nor difficult to recognize, nor should they be abstract and unrealistic.

Hou Bai responded and said: "There is something as big as a dog and looks very much like a cow. What is it?" Everyone kept guessing. Some said it was a deer, some said it was a deer. But they were all rejected by everyone.

Then let Hou Bai tell the answer. Hou Bai laughed loudly and said: "This is a calf."

——Old title of Sui Dynasty Hou Bai's "Qi Yan Lu" He Zhizhang begged for Tianbao in the early years of Emperor Xuanzong of the Tang Dynasty. He Zhizhang, a well-known secretary, supervised , wrote to the imperial court, wishing to retire and become an official and return to his hometown of Wuzhong. Xuanzong Li Longji respected him very much and treated him differently from others.

He Zhizhang couldn't help crying when he said goodbye to Tang Xuanzong before leaving.

Tang Xuanzong asked him what else he wanted.

Zhizhang said: "I Zhizhang has a dog that has not yet been named. If your majesty gives it a name, it will be an honor for me to return home." p>

Qing's son should be named Fu. "Zhizhang expressed his gratitude for the appointment.

After a long time, Zhizhang realized something unexpectedly and thought to himself: "The emperor is making fun of me too much. I am from Wu, and the word 'Fu' is the word 'Zhao' plus the word 'Zi' .

He named my son 'Fu', isn't it called my son's claws?" ——Gao Yi, Song Dynasty, "Living in Groups" I don't know why Ai Zi likes to write poems. One day, Ai Zi wandered between Qi and Wei and stayed at a hotel.

At night, he heard someone talking in the neighboring house: "One song." After a while, he said: "Another one."

Ai Zi was confused and felt no sleepiness at all. , sleepless night. Lying there until dawn, I heard the man in the neighboring house say about six or seven times, that is, six or seven songs.

Ai Zi thought that the man in the neighboring room must be a poet. He was concentrating on reciting poems in the quiet moonlit night, and he felt respected in his heart. He also liked the man's quick literary thinking, so he decided to get acquainted with him. Early in the morning, Ai Zi got out of bed, put on her clothes, straightened her crown and belt, and stood at the door to greet her.

After a while, a man who looked like a vendor walked out of the neighboring house. He was thin and looked sick. Ai Zi felt very disappointed and thought: With this dignity, how can he look like a poet? Perhaps, people cannot be judged by their appearance or make blind guesses.

Then he stepped forward and asked, "I heard that Mr. Wang has many poems. Can you let me read them as a student?" The man said, "I am a businessman and I have never known what poetry is." Stuff."

Always refused to come up with poems. Ai Zi said stubbornly: "Last night I heard you saying 'One' in the house, and then saying 'One' again. Isn't that a poem?" After hearing this, the man burst into laughter: "You misunderstood La.

My stomach was not good last night. Every time I had diarrhea, I couldn’t find toilet paper, so I kept having diarrhea and stained my hands six or seven times.

The 'hand' I mentioned was not the 'head' of the poem." Ai Zi felt ashamed after hearing this.

——Old Title of "Ai Zi Miscellanies" by Su Shi of the Song Dynasty Word Game Su Dongpo heard that Wang Jinggong's "Words" had just been completed, so he went to Jinggong to congratulate him, and jokingly said: "The masterpiece says: With 'Bamboo' whips 'horse' as 'du'. But I still have a question: "I wonder if 'bamboo' whips' dog' is so 'laughable'?" Duke Jing laughed and did not answer, but asked: "The word 'jiu' comes from 'nine', which means 'bird'. Is there any evidence?" Dongpo immediately answered: "The Book of Songs says: 'When a corpse dove is in the mulberry tree, its sons are seven.' Including their parents, there are exactly nine." ” 3. Asking for a funny version of the classical Chinese text

Chirp again chirp, Mulan flies a plane, what kind of plane is she flying? Boeing 747! Ask the girl what she is thinking about, and ask her what she is remembering. The girl also thinks about something, but has no money. Buy an airplane. I saw a military notice last night asking for bombers. There are twelve airplanes, but I can’t afford them. I don’t have a lot of money, and Mulan doesn’t have gold or silver. I’m willing to buy steel and build airplanes from now on. I’ll buy the blueprints in the east market, and I’ll buy them in the west market. Screws, I bought glass in Nanshi and iron sheets in Beishi. I left my parents in the morning and stayed in the old hangar in the evening. I didn’t hear my parents calling girls, but I heard the iron sheets rustling. I left the hangar in the evening and stayed next to the military camp. I heard my mother-in-law calling for a female voice, but I heard the general shouting hahaha. The plane flew thousands of miles away, and the mountain suddenly disappeared. The hot air spread through the wings, and the sun shone on the glass. The general was frightened to death, and the soul of the warrior had flown away. It flew and hit the emperor, who was lying on the hospital bed. After twelve rounds of service, he was rewarded with two slaps. The Khan asked him what he wanted, but Mulan did not want to enter the cell; she was willing to drive a 747 and fly back to her hometown. When the father and mother heard that their daughter was coming, they picked up the machine gun; Pistol; when the younger brother heard that the elder sister was coming, he sharpened his knife to the mentally retarded man. He opened the door of my plane, entered my cabin, took off my combat robe, put on my flight suit, loaded more grenades, and set up a machine gun. When I went out to plant bombs, my relatives and friends were all frightened. : After twelve years of separation, I wonder if Mulan has become rampant. The madman stamped his feet on the ground, and the fool closed his eyes. The two of them walked side by side. Who can say that I am abnormal? I chirped again and again, wanting to eat KFC.

Ignore it. The woman sighed and asked her what she was thinking about.

The woman thought about the burgers and remembered the chicken wings last night.

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There are twelve chicken coupons, and each one has chicken wings. My grandfather has no eldest son, and Mulan has no eldest brother. I am willing to go to KFC and eat for my grandfather from now on.

Buy burgers in the east store, drinks in the west store, chicken wings in the south store, and French fries in the north store. I bid farewell to my parents in the morning and stayed by the Yellow River in the evening. I didn't hear my parents calling for girls, but I could smell the fragrance of hamburgers.

But after leaving the Yellow River, I arrived at the top of the Black Mountain at dusk. I didn’t hear the mother-in-law’s voice calling for the girl, but I could hear the fragrance of chicken wings and their chirping. Thousands of miles across the Great Wall, Mount Everest is like flying.

The bank gave away gold coins, and the emperor gave out sweaters. The hen dies every year, and Mulan returns every ten years.

Returning to see Confucius, Confucius was sitting in heaven. Twelve chicken coupons can buy hundreds of baskets of chickens.

Confucius asked her what she wanted. Mulan did not want to be an angel, but she wanted to fly thousands of miles away and send her son back to her hometown. When the mother-in-law heard that her daughter was coming, she went out to help the general; when the elder sister heard that the younger sister was coming, she wanted to eat KFC; when the younger brother heard that the younger sister was coming, he sharpened his knife and got ready to eat.

I opened my East Pavilion pot, took my West Pavilion spoon, took off my war robe, put on my dinner napkin, picked up the bowls and chopsticks by the window, and started eating in front of the mirror. When I went out to see my companions, they were all frightened: they had been together for twelve years, but they didn't know Mulan was so greedy.

The male rabbit has a three-petal mouth, and the female rabbit has blurry eyes. Two rabbits are eating next to each other, how can they tell whether I am hungry or not? Accumulate after accumulating, if you don’t know, you don’t know; you’re good enough in the test, but you don’t know the questions; you don’t know when you go to class, and you mess up in many ways; you learn the same knowledge on your own, but even if you ignore it, you will accumulate knowledge; you are born as a Chinese, and you die as a Chinese soul ; If you want me to learn English, it is impossible; if I am not qualified in English, it shows my character; if I am not qualified in mathematics, the teacher is fully responsible; if I am not qualified in Chinese, there is nothing I can do; if I do well in the exam, it all depends on doing well in isolation; in the exam, It’s not good, I don’t know how to do things in isolation; I feel even more worried when I go back to school every day, and the teacher talks nonsense; I feel like sleepwalking, and I am criticized again and again for no reason; there are so many homeworks that it feels like revenge, and doing things wildly feels like fishing for money; Returning to school is a left-behind thing, and you are being punished every day; all your homework is copied, and the first one is not handed in; returning to school waits for the end of school, and drinks Coke after school; when the clock is clocked, everyone flies, and the day after day hehehehehehehe, the beautiful girl is Get on the plane; I don't hear the dialing sound, but I hear the woman sighing. Ask the girl what she is thinking about, ask her what she is remembering; the girl has nothing to think about, and the woman has nothing to remember.

I went online last night and was really shocked by what I encountered. I received twelve letters from my sister, all of whom invited me to meet offline. The pretty girl was already married and had adopted someone else's surname; she used the Internet for her own entertainment and to make new friends.

The eastern version is about leisure and leisure, the western version is about autobiography; I go south to express my heartfelt feelings, and I go north to chat. The net rises in the morning, and the net rises at dusk; I don't hear the husband calling his wife, but I hear the constant calls of insects.

As soon as I left the chat room, I came to the chat room again; I didn’t hear the cries of insects, but I saw invitation posts flying all over the sky. When I go off the Internet to see my husband, he bursts into tears; I am addicted to the Internet and owe hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Ask a girl where she wants to go, and she will confess her love to her parents; borrow money to travel a thousand miles, and go to an appointment to tell her heartfelt feelings. When the father-in-law heard that his daughter was coming, he hid in all directions; when the elder sister heard that the younger sister was coming, she quickly locked the doors and windows; when the younger brother heard that the younger sister was coming, he hurriedly climbed up the east wall.

Open my old door and move your Arhat bed; pry into my old cupboard and search your password box. Count the money at the window and go to the airport immediately.

The dinosaur is also shy, and the pretty girl is also arrogant. They all chat online, and An can tell who I am. 4. Humorous short classical Chinese essays

Bragging about being rich

Original text

A man is lost and encounters a mute man. He refuses to answer questions, but makes money samples with his hands. Only if you show that you can get money will you be willing to give guidance. This person expresses his intention by counting money. The dumb man opened his mouth to point out the way, and the man asked: "Why do you pretend to be dumb if you don't have money?" The dumb man said: "In today's world, if you have money, you can speak!"

Translation

< p> A man lost his way and met a "mute" who asked questions but did not answer. The "mute" only made gestures with his hands like money, indicating that he wanted to give money before he would give guidance. The lost man understood what he meant and immediately took out some money and gave it to the "mute". The "mute" then opened his mouth to point out the way. The lost man asked: "Why are you pretending to be dumb?" The "mute" said: "In today's world, when you have money, you can speak."

Excerpted from "Laughing Lin Guangji", "Xiao Lin Guang Ji" was collected by game owners signed in the Qing Dynasty, and was mostly taken from joke collections of the Ming and Qing Dynasties.